So here we are. It's slightly past mid-June and summer has come and decided to stay...finally! For us folks in Ohio, we had a teaser of spring coming back once or twice but I think summer's hanging on now for the long haul.
In the past three weeks I've found myself doing something that I never thought I'd love. Gardening. Planting. Weeding. That sounds so silly. I can't believe I'm even admitting it but you know how sometimes things in life just feel right? You may not be thinking of it consciously but it's there...at some point you smile to yourself and say, "This is right. I feel content and happy." Well, that's how I felt again this evening--it was my third time in the past few weeks planting flowers at our new house.
Now, what no one knows is that I've never been much of a green thumb. I can remember as a kid we would have family work days where on a Saturday we would work as a family to clean out the garage, rake leaves, etc. Typical chores kind of stuff. For some reason, as much as I loved to play outside, to ride my bike outside and to feel the grass beneath my bare feet, I just wasn't one to care to plant flowers, veggies, pull weeds or anything. In fact, if I had a choice of chores, I would usually pick the inside stuff like vacuuming or dusting while my mom, dad and brother went outside to work. I know I wasn't fond of dirt and bugs were definitely not high on my list so perhaps that was it?? For whatever reason, I preferred housework to yard work.
Anyway, as I grew older, got out on my own and then married, I did try to plant flowers wherever we lived. I never had any luck. In Texas, it was just too hot. Plain and simple. I could never figure out how often to water what I had planted in pots outside of my apartment during my grad school years and so every flower died within a week.
Oklahoma wasn't much better. Our home there had a few bushes and ugly grass. It wasn't very scenic. It was also very shady so didn't allow for petunias and the like to enjoy the sun.
Let's move ahead to when we lived in Tennessee..any luck? Nope. When I planted flowers in flower boxes at our one house, they all died. Too much water? Not enough? Who knows. Of course it probably didn't help that one box fell right off of the porch because the wood had rotted. Bad memories of that place. Enough said about that.
I think besides the weather, the other problem that I found through my adventures in gardening was that we have always been renting homes. We've moved 5 times in 7 years (yes, you read that right) so haven't officially settled down yet (but I'm really hoping we can buy soon!) Most of our homes didn't have flower beds or any space to try to plant flowers or a garden in. I guess I could have just dug up some grass and plopped a flower into it but I kind of think the homeowners wouldn't have appreciated that much.
So you have my history of not being too in to gardening. Let me throw a contradiction out there if it makes sense. Would you believe that oh, in the past 5 or more years I've found myself imagining what life would be like on a farm? Not that I'd ever see myself as a farmer but...well, I guess I've been attracted to the calmness. To the idea of trying to understand how the earth works--when dirt is ready for planting, how to plant and actually grow things, how to eat what you grow, etc. My space. My land. I guess it's kind of a secret dream of mine to maybe someday buy a couple acres and play around with it. A garden here. A flower bed there. A play area for the kids over there. Space for my husband's dream Army WWII Jeep somewhere (wait, that's his dream!)
Well, I guess you could say here in Dayton, we've hit the jackpot as far as space. The house we are currently living in has TONS of flowerbeds. They are everywhere. When we moved in last August, they were overgrown with weeds and such and we didn't want to spend money to plant so late in the season. But, once the rainy spring finally let up a few weeks ago I jumped in and gave it a shot. Our landlord has joked with me several times saying that if he had it his way he'd dig up every bed and put grass seed in. But, because it was his mother-in-law's house and she's still alive, they can't change things too much in case she wants to drive by to see her old home. She really misses it and prided herself on her flowers. He told us several times too that we weren't expected to do the flower/mulch thing but I told him I wanted to for us. I love how flowers look so was so excited to see what might happen. Did I mention that in the past our home had been in House Beautiful Magazine for it's beautiful landscaping?? Talk about a past!
I think a big part of my recent enjoyment of planting came when we returned from a week-long trip to my mom's. I was so surprised to see that the petunias and marigolds I had planted were STILL ALIVE!! And, would you believe the seeds I planted were sprouting?? Well, whatever you call it--sprouts, seedlings...little green stuff was poking through the dirt. I have never had any luck ever with seeds and yet, here they were showing themselves! I was overjoyed to see that something I planted had actually lived. And they live still!!
I've found myself thinking a lot about this in the past few weeks, and especially tonight as I was planting more flowers that I bought while at my mom's. When I was pulling weeds from the warm earth with my bare fingers earlier today, I felt proud of the work I was doing. I knew I'd see the result and be happy with it. So it was raining. So I had dirt in my fingernails. It just felt right to be there in that moment doing what I was doing.
And then tonight again after dinner, even as my cheap shovel broke in two, I was still smiling as I plopped each little flower into their hole. You know how people talk about "seasons" of their lives? I think there's even a song--"For every season..." something-something-something. Well, I've heard that a lot in the past 2 years. Friends in writing groups, online, etc. have mentioned that they were in this season or that season of their lives. Even my Christian Writing Group in Texas last year mentioned that. That sometimes members were with us for a season and then may have to step out for a bit. The idea of "seasons" of our lives has kind of stuck with me.
Is this a season of growing for me? Could it be? Not just a green thumb but perhaps a pink thumb or a light blue one? Some of you might be wondering where we are at with our fertility treatments. We've finished "round 2" as I like to call it. Basically this is the second month of treatment that we've gone through with the RE. It was nice to finally be able to start a month ago. We did Femara for two cycles now. Femara works like Clomid and blocks the estrogen, I think, so that something else beefs up and helps your eggs grow better. I ovulated on my own last cycle and had a great ovulation based on my progesterone test but no luck beyond that.
For this cycle, they caught me just in time and gave me the trigger shot--Ovidrel--to start the ovulation process and help mature the egg. For those of you not familiar with this stuff, Ovidrel is a shot you get in your stomach. EEK! Well, it's not that bad. I hate needles so planned for the nurse to give it to me. It hurt a tad but nothing like I thought it could. Thankfully it's a little tiny needle that goes just below the surface of your skin. I still don't totally get it, but apparently by them triggering my ovulation we can better time intercourse. I just do what they say to do.
Well, with our eh, assignment, in hand, we did what we were supposed to do. While it was most definitely enjoyable, I won't lie and say it wasn't also a bit of work. I tell you, I am constantly thinking of couples who go through this and more for months and years to try to conceive. My heart truly goes out to them because it gets to be really taxing on you physically, emotionally, and of course, not to mention financially. Because we had timing to consider, we didn't always get a lot of sleep. Life goes on, you know. It doesn't just stop for you to do your fertility thing. The boys were in Bible School that week. We had just returned from an out of town trip. We have been getting ready for another big trip across country. To say that our efforts were a breeze would be a big ol' fib.
Work. Yes, trying to have a baby can be a lot of work. Just like trying to get things to grow outside. As I struggled with some of the weeds tonight I kept telling myself, "It's worth it. Think of how pretty this spot will look when you're done. Think of the stress you're relieving!" :) That's what I kept telling myself throughout the last week of our attempts as well. It's worth it to put forth the extra effort--to at least try. I remember I made that decision with myself back at the beginning on the fertility journey when I found out that I had old eggs. In February of this year, I had said that I'd try for as long as I could. I had been pregnant before and could be again if I tried hard enough, and if it was to be. But I knew I had to put forth the effort--to take the medications, deal with the side effects, plan our lives around doctor appointments, etc. If there were options, we'd go for it. If we could afford it, we'd do it. I'm grateful that my husband knows that this isn't an easy task. He's put forth the effort too (obviously) and so we run to appointment after appointment, he has to listen to me worry about new medications when I get them, cry if I have a cyst that prevents treatment, etc. He also just stays tuned in to when I tell him it's showtime.
As I walked around the yard tonight I stopped and checked out some little seedlings in a smaller bed. They don't look so good. A few of them in the row that I planted a few weeks ago are poking through but they are much tinier than all of the others in the yard. I don't even remember what flower I planted there--perhaps it was something that needed more sun than the area is getting, I don't know. I planted a bunch of impatiens around that area to give them some friends. I figure I'll see what happens when I get back from my trip in about 10 days. If they don't start growing more, I'll just re-plant more flowers there and figure that they just didn't take root.
I find myself wondering about how seeds take root. You can do everything right but sometimes things still don't grow. Just like in trying to make a baby. I truly believe it's way more than just science. God has a hand it in, I know He does. I like imagining Him as the Gardener who forms us in the womb--I love that verse in the Bible. I know He knew my special little Jacob in the womb. He had plans for my little sweetheart.
In thinking about my little flower seeds that are struggling, I find myself worrying about my own gardening going on. Has an egg made friends with some sperm recently? Will something take root and start to grow? Is it a good egg??
I go tomorrow for my progesterone test. I hope my score is as good as last round. Last round they said it was "excellent" and for some reason, both doctors said this. I still wonder why both docs looked at my blood tests when I only see one of them? Perhaps it's because I'm older so they were discussing how well Femara works in older women?? :) Hah. Who knows! But hey, I'll take the "excellent" news any way I can.
If they call me with a similar rating tomorrow afternoon, I still have to wait another week or so to take the HcG test. Our out-of-town trip is delaying how soon I can take the test but I hope to take it July 1. What I don't get is why they are scheduling me for this. I thought in the past they just told me to come in if and when my next cycle started to start the baseline ultrasound process all over. I am nervous about that appointment. Well, actually, I'm nervous about missing it! We'll be getting in late the night prior so there's no wiggle room here. I'd hate to miss it and have to wait until July 5 (with the holiday) to get in. Of course, if things don't work this round, I'd probably find out on my own either through the urine home tests or if my cycle starts up at some point.
Where does that put me right now? I really don't know. I've been wondering how I would answer this question if someone out there reading my blog asked me how I feel--optimistic? hopeful? doubtful? I just don't know. I think I'm still very hopeful in general. But I can't even begin to imagine it, you know? It seems almost foreign to me. And scary, very scary. Because I know that even if I get a plus sign or two lines or a great blood test, I may not get a heartbeat. Or my precious little one might only make it a short while. It's a very difficult spot to be in mentally and emotionally. And of course, I try not to think too far into the future about the "end"--that time when and if they tell me we've done everything possible, I'm out of options, etc.
A season of growing. Boy I really hope that this is MY season. I really hope and pray that this is my time now to conceive again and to carry the child throughout a healthy pregnancy and delivery. My boys can't wait to be big brothers. They talk about it all the time. Sammy even saw an infomercial for some organic baby food maker and told me we should get it for my baby. I smile every time I see a baby and imagine me with a baby again. My heart melts when I imagine my husband holding a baby--I know we'd both love a little girl--but would be equally happy with another little boy. It takes a lot of work, time, money, patience and energy for sure. But it's so worth it just knowing that we aren't giving up. We are putting in everything we can to try to make it work.
Okay, time to be honest. :) I should have been packing tonight--not gardening! Oh, I had a million indoor tasks to do! We're going out of town for a major trip soon and I have nothing packed!! Panic!! So my flowers might have died in their little plastic holders while we were out of town. So. I should have been packing. But, I didn't want to!! I longed to be taking care of my flowers, to push them snug into the ground and help them grab ahold of the earth and to live! It was a lot of work tonight, but so worth it.
This baby-making work on my journey is also worth it, I know. I don't know what exactly will come of it, but the whole experience has opened my eyes to a world I truly never knew about. I look at children and the "miracle of life" in a whole new way. Really, I do. I still treasure my little Jacob in Heaven and am so thankful we keep the memory of him alive on a regular basis.
So go little seeds go! Grow all of you petunias and dahlias! Come on blooms on you zinnias and whatever the other flower seed was that I planted! Let's go pumpkins (yes, the boys asked for pumpkins--that ought to be interesting if those grow!) and peas, tomatoes, rosemary and corn!! :) And of course, go baby seed go!!! Make friends with little sperm and find a happy spot to settle in mommy's uterus! You can do it baby!!!
And lastly---I must mention how much I've thought about my precious little Jacob in the past few days. I saved out a few impatiens to plant in near the praying angel statue that came with the house. I couldn't clear the weeds away fast enough. The angel is praying and the bright pink flowers are right in front of her. When I told my mom what I had done, my voice broke. My baby deserves a memorial garden and I'm going to do what I can to make that happen this year. The angel just looks so beautiful with the flowers with her. This was the same angel I had never noticed until after Jacob passed away last October.
Monday, June 20--you would have turned 2 months old my sweet baby. You couldn't grow so well here on earth but I know in Heaven you are totally healthy and oh, so happy!! Won't you please send Mommy a little coo tonight in my dreams? Oh how I would love to hear you coo! I hope you enjoyed seeing Mommy play in the dirt today...someday we'll play in the dirt together. I bet Heaven's dirt never stains!!
May you all find your seasons of growing, my friends...growing in love, growing in energy, growing in health or relationships. I really think we can learn from paying attention to the seasons of our lives.
Here's to our green thumbs this summer--and of course, to my dream for pink or blue ones. :)
Kim
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Holding Jacob's Cousin...the 'end' of another journey
In some ways I have reached another "end" so to speak in this journey. On Wednesday, I met and held my baby nephew for the first time. He is 11 days old and a tiny little boy with an overwhelming sweetness about him that catches you and won't let you go.
When we walked into my brother's house, I heard what sounded like a kitten's mew. I knew that sound. It was the sound of a newborn crying--to me it sounds like a kitten meowing. My sister-in-law brought him down the stairs, freshly changed, and swaddled tightly in a light blue blanket. He looked like a little doll in her arms. She stopped to show him to my grandma who got emotional as she commented about his size thinking that he would have grown in the past week since she and my family got to see him on the day he was born in the hospital. I was sitting on the couch watching. After a few minutes, she came to me to hand him to me and I asked if I could hold him. She said, "Of course! You came all this way to see him!" And then she placed him in my arms.
I knew this was a moment that I had been thinking about for months...ever since Jacob died. My sister-in-law and I started this journey of pregnancy together last summer. I still laugh at how news of our pregnancies was quietly slipped to different family members and at different times. It was one of those tangled webs of news travelling to this person and then that person, and so on...kind of like something you'd seen on an old episode of "Three's Company."
I had, of course, let my mom know I was pregnant right away. I then told my grandma and step dad. It was a short while later when I called my dad and let him know. I remember asking something like, "How do you feel about being a grandpa again?" He had started to answer and then stopped. "Who?" He said. "You?" I said, "Of course, me, who else would I be talking about?" He had a funny sound in his voice and laughed while he told my step mom. I heard a big pause but figured they were just surprised at my news.
I think it was the next day when I called my brother and told him. Then, one day later I opened a card from my brother with various pictures they had sent us of their dogs. Smack in the middle of the stack was a photo of a positive pregnancy test. I knew right away what it was and couldn't stop laughing as I rushed to call my brother. He & I shared a wonderful laugh that night as I chided him for not telling me the night prior when I had given him my news. He had said that he didn't want to burst my bubble when I was revealing my happy little secret. I also learned that he had told my dad the very night I called him. That's why my dad had been so shocked to hear me revealing the same news that day! My brother had just told him that they were expecting!
So that amusing revealing of our pregnancies kicked off what I had thought would be a fun journey of shared pregnancy woes--swollen ankles and frequent urination--and joys--first kicks, ultrasound photos and then that first moment holding our precious sweet babies. I truly had envisioned so much of this journey with my brother and sister-in-law. I had never had another woman that I was close to to share pregnancy with and couldn't wait to go through this pregnancy with my sister-in-law. I was due May 2. She was due May 18.
And then we had a new member join our little trip! My brother and sister-in-law were expecting twins! Three little babies!!! I looked forward to bringing all of our little babies together for the first time and at each milestone--crawling, giggling, sitting up. I fast forwarded to next Christmas and knew our babies would be around 7 months old. What a fun age for Christmas! I imagined of our babies side by side--Santa Hats, wrapping paper, cute little Christmas outfits on everyone.
I also had another secret wish--that through our shared pregnancies and birth of our babies so close in age--that I would regain some of the closeness I had with my brother. I truly looked forward to the months that were to come as something to share with my brother and sister-in-law...that is, until I went in for my 12 week in-depth ultrasound at 12.5 weeks. Even after my sweet Jacob left right at 13 weeks, again tragedy hit our family--my brother and sister-in-law lost one of their twins about 2 weeks after that. Out of the three babies that we were all expecting, now we were down to just one.
It's hard to explain sometimes how this felt. In addition to all of the grief, questions and hopes for the future, there was the occasional feeling that I was "out of the race". I felt like my sister-in-law and I were both on a ride...a race...a journey of some wonderful kind and then suddenly I was no longer in it. I was out of the game. Only she continued through the many milestones in pregnancy--I watched all of her belly pictures as they expanded. I followed my sweet little nephew's growth and good news through ultrasounds and doctor reports. But why did I have to step out of the game? Why wasn't I allowed to continue on this journey? At times it just felt...incomplete. Like everything was just ripped out and away.
Well, the months counted down to my due date and then finally my sister-in-law's due date. And wouldn't you know, the little bugger decided he was pretty darn comfy in her womb so came late! Almost 2 weeks late! I remember feeling anxious that Memorial Day weekend when he was born. Since losing Jacob, I've met so many women on a similar journey as me. When I've read the additional stories of stillbirths, I've felt their pain and thought about how that compared to my miscarriage. As my sister-in-law's due date came and went, I found myself hoping that something this awful wouldn't happen to them. I kept praying that their son would be okay and that the late delivery was just a normal thing.
I even stayed up throughout the night that my sister-in-law went in to be induced. I kept checking my phone and texted or called my brother every few hours to check on things. Would you believe I had a clogging dance workshop that Saturday and then a competition that Sunday? I should have gotten a lot more rest but I did manage to sleep for about 2 hours and was so relieved when I learned on our way to dance that I was finally an aunt!! A first-time Aunt! My little nephew, Cameron, was born via c-section (due to some complications with the delivery) that morning. He and mom were doing great. I was so relieved, thankful and above all, so happy for my baby brother who was now a daddy.
Well, the day went on and despite my lack of sleep I danced my butt off. Well, maybe my feet were danced off. Whatever! I was at a clogging workshop and every hour was full of highly energetic jumping, jolting and moving all over the floor. I loved it, never even felt tired.
At one point we had a quickie break in the day and my husband showed me photos that my brother had just posted. All it took was one look at that sweet little face and I was in tears. Happy tears yes, but also sad tears for my baby lost. It wasn't something I can say I was prepared for. I guess I should have remembered the nurse's 'warnings' to me back last October. She had told me when I may feel more down or sad--as Jacob's due date approached, around other pregnant women, when my sister-in-law delivered, at Jacob's angelversary, etc. Funny how I hadn't even been thinking about it. All I had been thinking of was that Cameron arrive safely. I was so excited for my brother and sister-in-law and remembered every moment of what was like when you are getting ready for the big day.
But as I remembered those beautiful moments, I also found myself remembering the things that I missed so much and that I had looked forward to with Jacob. For example, at some point that day, when my mom told me that my brother told her that my sister-in-law was nursing the baby right then, I felt instantly depressed. It was as if I could see and feel myself in my sister-in-law's shoes--or hospital gown. I'd be sitting propped up in the bed aching from the c-section. Someone would hand me my baby for the first time and I'd hold him to my breast...looking at his little toes, fingers...I'd stroke his soft little head. I don't know why but this was a memory/image that I held on to. I knew it had been a treasured part of new motherhood for me and I could imagine that it was also so for my brother & sister-in-law. And, unfortunately, the memory of it--the loss that I felt at not having my little Jacob to nurse--hit me kind harder than I thought.
Luckily, again, I was so busy that Saturday with workshops. I put everything I could into my dance. It's almost like the extreme physical activity helped me to deal with the emotional pain that I was feeling inside. Every step, every ache, every sweaty drip that slid down my arms felt good. Yes, it felt good. I just kept dancing through the aching muscles. I forced thoughts of nursing a beautiful newborn out of my head. Worries over not getting pregnant again? Shoved to the back files of my mind. It was all there but hidden away so I could focus on the present and my dancing.
After almost 25,000 steps on my pedometer that day, we finally went home that night. I knew that everyone had gone to the hospital to visit my brother, sister-in-law and precious little nephew that very day that I spent burning calories and having fun dancing. But, I just didn't want to hear about the visits any more than necessary. When I talked with my mom that night, I quickly asked her if we could not talk about her "visit". I think it was just too painful that day to hear anything more about it.
Sunday was a little more of the same but not as bad, thankfully. I had my dance competition so even though I was feeling more tired from the lack of sleep Friday night and the extreme physical activity Saturday, I managed to make it through our two different performances with a pretty good bounce in my step. My brother had posted a 24-hours old photo of his son and again, I felt the pain had already lessened.
As the days in that week passed, I felt the pain continue to disappear. I really think I handled it the way I needed to. I wasn't prepared for the sadness that hit me when it did. All of the worry and excitement I felt for my little nephew coming into this world had quickly transformed into a weighty pull of sadness. But, by having a lot of other things to keep me busy, by transferring my emotions to physical energy needed for dance and by avoiding the "new baby" talk with my mom at first, I think I was able to process my joy and my grief in a way that worked for me--a woman who had a miscarriage and who's baby, had he lived, would be almost 3 weeks older than his newly born cousin. I didn't force myself to feel a certain way. I hadn't prepared for this day, in fact it was just the opposite as I had forgotten that it my affect me like this. I just allowed myself to feel how I needed to...when I needed to.
So let's fast forward to happier days....yes, the sadness and memories of what it might have been like with Jacob only lasted about a day or so. We came up to my mom's house for a short visit and I was so excited to find out we could squeeze in a quick trip to my brother's to meet my baby nephew. I didn't want to wait even another month to see him.
The moment I had been waiting for was finally here. My sister-in-law handed me a tiny little bundle swaddled tightly in blue. All I felt at that moment was joy. It was again, like I had reached some sort of milestone in this journey...an end point, so to speak, as it was the final part of the shared journey that we had all began last August. I just couldn't stop smiling at Cameron as I told him how happy I was to meet him. A few happy tears snuck out as I also told him that he had a very special angel baby cousin watching over him--always. Oh, I just can't say enough how happy I was to finally hold him.
At one point I knew I had to share :) so handed him to my mom to cuddle for a bit. But then she handed him back to me and I enjoyed holding him until we left. We were probably only there for an hour but it was such a special hour. It just felt "right" to hold a baby...I know and still believe in my heart that I am not ready to give up on my dream. You know how at different points in your life you feel ready to move on? Think back to high school graduation...college graduation...moving out of your parent's house...moving away from home...getting married...etc. So often the timing just feels right and we know we are doing the right thing. We are making the right decision and it's the right timing for us. That's how I still feel about getting pregnant again. I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to NOT have another baby in the house--the diapers, the late nights, the lack of sleep, the aches, the baby food mess...oh, I still love it all! It just feels right to still be in that place and time.
Now, obviously I understand that as much as I may not be ready to leave this place in my life...it's not up to me. I know God is in control. I read another baby loss mom's great blog recently and she wrote about a sermon that shared about how "God doesn't get distracted with us". He doesn't need to be reminded of our pains, our sorrows or fears...He knows. He has everything already figured out. He doesn't leave us. As much as He has to keep track of, I'm still on His mind. I love this idea, don't you? I may not know what His plans are right now. But I do know that I will just keep moving forward and listening for His words. I know He knew how I felt when my nephew was born. He knew I'd feel joy and sorrow at the same time. He knows I still long for one more baby of my own. He will reveal to me at some point what His plans are. I trust Him and continue to pray for strength to face whatever that decision is.
In addition to knowing that God hasn't forgotten about me, I'm happy to say that I know how I feel. I dream of the baby I will hold again...hopefully soon. I know that Cameron will always be a very special nephew for me because he represents hope. He lost a twin sibling and I lost a baby...all on the same journey as him. But Cameron made it. Maybe he didn't come the way my brother & sister-in-law had envisioned but he finally came and we are all so blessed to have him in our family.
My sweet little baby Jacob...please know that Momma hasn't forgotten about you. It felt so good to hold your cousin. I know you were smiling at us up in Heaven. I look forward for the day when I will be able to hold you, my sweet baby. I will cuddle you and stroke your head and hold your little hands in mine. I will kiss you until my lips ache! Jacob, you continue to bring me joy as I think of you each day. You are my son up in Heaven. You are mommy's baby. Had you been born here, you would soon be three months old...I know we'd be nursing, you would keep me up at night and I'd be so tired. Oh, but I would be so happy to have you in my life! Do you know that your big brothers thought of you too when they met their cousin for the first time? Sammy, especially, asked if you would have looked like that. He just couldn't get enough of "the sweet little baby". We all love you, Jacob! Momma loves you so very much!!!
I can only continue to wonder about this journey I'm on. The crummy parts stink, for sure, but the good parts? Oh, they are so beautiful and wonderful. Losing Jacob? Awful. Heartbreaking. Remembering Jacob on a regular basis? Joyous. Loving. Holding my new nephew? Thankful. Full of happiness for his parents who get to experience such a blessing from our Lord!
As always, celebrate your journeys my friends! With special thoughts going out to all baby loss mom's who find themselves in positions similar to me...a new baby comes to a friend or relative. There is pain, yes, but there is also so much joy! Treasure the whole journey!
Kim :)
When we walked into my brother's house, I heard what sounded like a kitten's mew. I knew that sound. It was the sound of a newborn crying--to me it sounds like a kitten meowing. My sister-in-law brought him down the stairs, freshly changed, and swaddled tightly in a light blue blanket. He looked like a little doll in her arms. She stopped to show him to my grandma who got emotional as she commented about his size thinking that he would have grown in the past week since she and my family got to see him on the day he was born in the hospital. I was sitting on the couch watching. After a few minutes, she came to me to hand him to me and I asked if I could hold him. She said, "Of course! You came all this way to see him!" And then she placed him in my arms.
I knew this was a moment that I had been thinking about for months...ever since Jacob died. My sister-in-law and I started this journey of pregnancy together last summer. I still laugh at how news of our pregnancies was quietly slipped to different family members and at different times. It was one of those tangled webs of news travelling to this person and then that person, and so on...kind of like something you'd seen on an old episode of "Three's Company."
I had, of course, let my mom know I was pregnant right away. I then told my grandma and step dad. It was a short while later when I called my dad and let him know. I remember asking something like, "How do you feel about being a grandpa again?" He had started to answer and then stopped. "Who?" He said. "You?" I said, "Of course, me, who else would I be talking about?" He had a funny sound in his voice and laughed while he told my step mom. I heard a big pause but figured they were just surprised at my news.
I think it was the next day when I called my brother and told him. Then, one day later I opened a card from my brother with various pictures they had sent us of their dogs. Smack in the middle of the stack was a photo of a positive pregnancy test. I knew right away what it was and couldn't stop laughing as I rushed to call my brother. He & I shared a wonderful laugh that night as I chided him for not telling me the night prior when I had given him my news. He had said that he didn't want to burst my bubble when I was revealing my happy little secret. I also learned that he had told my dad the very night I called him. That's why my dad had been so shocked to hear me revealing the same news that day! My brother had just told him that they were expecting!
So that amusing revealing of our pregnancies kicked off what I had thought would be a fun journey of shared pregnancy woes--swollen ankles and frequent urination--and joys--first kicks, ultrasound photos and then that first moment holding our precious sweet babies. I truly had envisioned so much of this journey with my brother and sister-in-law. I had never had another woman that I was close to to share pregnancy with and couldn't wait to go through this pregnancy with my sister-in-law. I was due May 2. She was due May 18.
And then we had a new member join our little trip! My brother and sister-in-law were expecting twins! Three little babies!!! I looked forward to bringing all of our little babies together for the first time and at each milestone--crawling, giggling, sitting up. I fast forwarded to next Christmas and knew our babies would be around 7 months old. What a fun age for Christmas! I imagined of our babies side by side--Santa Hats, wrapping paper, cute little Christmas outfits on everyone.
I also had another secret wish--that through our shared pregnancies and birth of our babies so close in age--that I would regain some of the closeness I had with my brother. I truly looked forward to the months that were to come as something to share with my brother and sister-in-law...that is, until I went in for my 12 week in-depth ultrasound at 12.5 weeks. Even after my sweet Jacob left right at 13 weeks, again tragedy hit our family--my brother and sister-in-law lost one of their twins about 2 weeks after that. Out of the three babies that we were all expecting, now we were down to just one.
It's hard to explain sometimes how this felt. In addition to all of the grief, questions and hopes for the future, there was the occasional feeling that I was "out of the race". I felt like my sister-in-law and I were both on a ride...a race...a journey of some wonderful kind and then suddenly I was no longer in it. I was out of the game. Only she continued through the many milestones in pregnancy--I watched all of her belly pictures as they expanded. I followed my sweet little nephew's growth and good news through ultrasounds and doctor reports. But why did I have to step out of the game? Why wasn't I allowed to continue on this journey? At times it just felt...incomplete. Like everything was just ripped out and away.
Well, the months counted down to my due date and then finally my sister-in-law's due date. And wouldn't you know, the little bugger decided he was pretty darn comfy in her womb so came late! Almost 2 weeks late! I remember feeling anxious that Memorial Day weekend when he was born. Since losing Jacob, I've met so many women on a similar journey as me. When I've read the additional stories of stillbirths, I've felt their pain and thought about how that compared to my miscarriage. As my sister-in-law's due date came and went, I found myself hoping that something this awful wouldn't happen to them. I kept praying that their son would be okay and that the late delivery was just a normal thing.
I even stayed up throughout the night that my sister-in-law went in to be induced. I kept checking my phone and texted or called my brother every few hours to check on things. Would you believe I had a clogging dance workshop that Saturday and then a competition that Sunday? I should have gotten a lot more rest but I did manage to sleep for about 2 hours and was so relieved when I learned on our way to dance that I was finally an aunt!! A first-time Aunt! My little nephew, Cameron, was born via c-section (due to some complications with the delivery) that morning. He and mom were doing great. I was so relieved, thankful and above all, so happy for my baby brother who was now a daddy.
Well, the day went on and despite my lack of sleep I danced my butt off. Well, maybe my feet were danced off. Whatever! I was at a clogging workshop and every hour was full of highly energetic jumping, jolting and moving all over the floor. I loved it, never even felt tired.
At one point we had a quickie break in the day and my husband showed me photos that my brother had just posted. All it took was one look at that sweet little face and I was in tears. Happy tears yes, but also sad tears for my baby lost. It wasn't something I can say I was prepared for. I guess I should have remembered the nurse's 'warnings' to me back last October. She had told me when I may feel more down or sad--as Jacob's due date approached, around other pregnant women, when my sister-in-law delivered, at Jacob's angelversary, etc. Funny how I hadn't even been thinking about it. All I had been thinking of was that Cameron arrive safely. I was so excited for my brother and sister-in-law and remembered every moment of what was like when you are getting ready for the big day.
But as I remembered those beautiful moments, I also found myself remembering the things that I missed so much and that I had looked forward to with Jacob. For example, at some point that day, when my mom told me that my brother told her that my sister-in-law was nursing the baby right then, I felt instantly depressed. It was as if I could see and feel myself in my sister-in-law's shoes--or hospital gown. I'd be sitting propped up in the bed aching from the c-section. Someone would hand me my baby for the first time and I'd hold him to my breast...looking at his little toes, fingers...I'd stroke his soft little head. I don't know why but this was a memory/image that I held on to. I knew it had been a treasured part of new motherhood for me and I could imagine that it was also so for my brother & sister-in-law. And, unfortunately, the memory of it--the loss that I felt at not having my little Jacob to nurse--hit me kind harder than I thought.
Luckily, again, I was so busy that Saturday with workshops. I put everything I could into my dance. It's almost like the extreme physical activity helped me to deal with the emotional pain that I was feeling inside. Every step, every ache, every sweaty drip that slid down my arms felt good. Yes, it felt good. I just kept dancing through the aching muscles. I forced thoughts of nursing a beautiful newborn out of my head. Worries over not getting pregnant again? Shoved to the back files of my mind. It was all there but hidden away so I could focus on the present and my dancing.
After almost 25,000 steps on my pedometer that day, we finally went home that night. I knew that everyone had gone to the hospital to visit my brother, sister-in-law and precious little nephew that very day that I spent burning calories and having fun dancing. But, I just didn't want to hear about the visits any more than necessary. When I talked with my mom that night, I quickly asked her if we could not talk about her "visit". I think it was just too painful that day to hear anything more about it.
Sunday was a little more of the same but not as bad, thankfully. I had my dance competition so even though I was feeling more tired from the lack of sleep Friday night and the extreme physical activity Saturday, I managed to make it through our two different performances with a pretty good bounce in my step. My brother had posted a 24-hours old photo of his son and again, I felt the pain had already lessened.
As the days in that week passed, I felt the pain continue to disappear. I really think I handled it the way I needed to. I wasn't prepared for the sadness that hit me when it did. All of the worry and excitement I felt for my little nephew coming into this world had quickly transformed into a weighty pull of sadness. But, by having a lot of other things to keep me busy, by transferring my emotions to physical energy needed for dance and by avoiding the "new baby" talk with my mom at first, I think I was able to process my joy and my grief in a way that worked for me--a woman who had a miscarriage and who's baby, had he lived, would be almost 3 weeks older than his newly born cousin. I didn't force myself to feel a certain way. I hadn't prepared for this day, in fact it was just the opposite as I had forgotten that it my affect me like this. I just allowed myself to feel how I needed to...when I needed to.
So let's fast forward to happier days....yes, the sadness and memories of what it might have been like with Jacob only lasted about a day or so. We came up to my mom's house for a short visit and I was so excited to find out we could squeeze in a quick trip to my brother's to meet my baby nephew. I didn't want to wait even another month to see him.
The moment I had been waiting for was finally here. My sister-in-law handed me a tiny little bundle swaddled tightly in blue. All I felt at that moment was joy. It was again, like I had reached some sort of milestone in this journey...an end point, so to speak, as it was the final part of the shared journey that we had all began last August. I just couldn't stop smiling at Cameron as I told him how happy I was to meet him. A few happy tears snuck out as I also told him that he had a very special angel baby cousin watching over him--always. Oh, I just can't say enough how happy I was to finally hold him.
At one point I knew I had to share :) so handed him to my mom to cuddle for a bit. But then she handed him back to me and I enjoyed holding him until we left. We were probably only there for an hour but it was such a special hour. It just felt "right" to hold a baby...I know and still believe in my heart that I am not ready to give up on my dream. You know how at different points in your life you feel ready to move on? Think back to high school graduation...college graduation...moving out of your parent's house...moving away from home...getting married...etc. So often the timing just feels right and we know we are doing the right thing. We are making the right decision and it's the right timing for us. That's how I still feel about getting pregnant again. I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to NOT have another baby in the house--the diapers, the late nights, the lack of sleep, the aches, the baby food mess...oh, I still love it all! It just feels right to still be in that place and time.
Now, obviously I understand that as much as I may not be ready to leave this place in my life...it's not up to me. I know God is in control. I read another baby loss mom's great blog recently and she wrote about a sermon that shared about how "God doesn't get distracted with us". He doesn't need to be reminded of our pains, our sorrows or fears...He knows. He has everything already figured out. He doesn't leave us. As much as He has to keep track of, I'm still on His mind. I love this idea, don't you? I may not know what His plans are right now. But I do know that I will just keep moving forward and listening for His words. I know He knew how I felt when my nephew was born. He knew I'd feel joy and sorrow at the same time. He knows I still long for one more baby of my own. He will reveal to me at some point what His plans are. I trust Him and continue to pray for strength to face whatever that decision is.
In addition to knowing that God hasn't forgotten about me, I'm happy to say that I know how I feel. I dream of the baby I will hold again...hopefully soon. I know that Cameron will always be a very special nephew for me because he represents hope. He lost a twin sibling and I lost a baby...all on the same journey as him. But Cameron made it. Maybe he didn't come the way my brother & sister-in-law had envisioned but he finally came and we are all so blessed to have him in our family.
My sweet little baby Jacob...please know that Momma hasn't forgotten about you. It felt so good to hold your cousin. I know you were smiling at us up in Heaven. I look forward for the day when I will be able to hold you, my sweet baby. I will cuddle you and stroke your head and hold your little hands in mine. I will kiss you until my lips ache! Jacob, you continue to bring me joy as I think of you each day. You are my son up in Heaven. You are mommy's baby. Had you been born here, you would soon be three months old...I know we'd be nursing, you would keep me up at night and I'd be so tired. Oh, but I would be so happy to have you in my life! Do you know that your big brothers thought of you too when they met their cousin for the first time? Sammy, especially, asked if you would have looked like that. He just couldn't get enough of "the sweet little baby". We all love you, Jacob! Momma loves you so very much!!!
I can only continue to wonder about this journey I'm on. The crummy parts stink, for sure, but the good parts? Oh, they are so beautiful and wonderful. Losing Jacob? Awful. Heartbreaking. Remembering Jacob on a regular basis? Joyous. Loving. Holding my new nephew? Thankful. Full of happiness for his parents who get to experience such a blessing from our Lord!
As always, celebrate your journeys my friends! With special thoughts going out to all baby loss mom's who find themselves in positions similar to me...a new baby comes to a friend or relative. There is pain, yes, but there is also so much joy! Treasure the whole journey!
Kim :)
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