Happy First Birthday in Heaven Jacob! :) Mommy loves you so very, very much sweetheart! I wish so much that we could be celebrating with you today but I know you are very loved and so very happy up in Heaven. You are having a far better party there than we could ever do here for you!
Wow...here it is, finally. Jacob's first birthday. Or, what would have been. It's kind of funny when you think about it in all of those ways...if Jacob hadn't passed away on October 25, 2010, how much longer would he have lived? Would I have made it to the end of my second trimester? Would I have made it to the point where his lungs developed in the third trimester? Jacob had Trisomy 13 and babies with that typically pass away much earlier in the pregnancy than Jacob did. Some live longer, some even make it to be born. For those babies who are born, some live only a few precious minutes or hours or days. Some a few months. I can't remember from my research if many Trisomy 13 babies make it to their first birthdays or not, but sadly for those that do, I don't think it's much past that that they to live.
So how are we looking at this? It's hard to say. I know very well that had Jacob made it to his "birth" day in April 2011, it might not have been much longer that he would have been here with us. I try to imagine what he would be like on this day and that's the hard part. I think for me, I've chosen to remember my baby in this way. If he would have made it to be born, if he would have made it to turn 1, he probably would still have many ailments and would be a very sick little boy. I'm sure the last year with him would have been one where we would have done our best to treasure each day knowing that at any moment, that day could be our last with our precious son.
But there's another way that I'm remembering Jacob today on his first birthday. And that is, that Jacob is perfect. That he is a perfect, beautiful little one-year old boy. After all, he is in Heaven and there is no illness, no frailties and no Trisomy 13 there. I imagine him with a beautiful smile on his face. I think that is how I choose to think of my baby on this day...and on future birthdays. If I kept my thoughts solely earthbound, it would get difficult after awhile knowing that Jacob wouldn't have made it long with Trisomy 13. But releasing those thoughts and dreaming of him in Heaven allows me the joy of knowing that he is whole. That he is experiencing all the love he can hold up in Heaven. And that just makes me smile from ear to ear.
If you would have asked me back in 2010 how I would have thought this time without him would have passed, I honestly would have had no clue. I probably would have responded with despair and saying only that I missed my child, the child that I so desperately wanted to have. But thankfully Jacob's death wasn't a destination that I was forced to remain at. Instead, it was a journey and something happened along this journey that I am so incredibly grateful for...healing. It's come bit by bit, piece by piece...but it has come, and continues to come. Does that mean that I don't miss Jacob or wish he was here with us? Does that mean that I never have a pang in my heart when I see the baby items in Walmart? No. I have all of those things from time to time, that's normal, and I'm okay with it. I'm okay with a good cry sometimes. Just as I am with happy tears that swell in my eyes when someone sends me a giraffe graphic, a card or even mentions Jacob's name. It means that I have moved forward from those dark days in 2010 to a place where I try to focus more on the light...on things that lift me up to that place where I feel the joy and love for Jacob. I truly believe that's a big part of what's gotten me through. God has been there with me every step of the way and I know that He has put so many beautiful people on my path to help me through our loss.
If you would have asked me back in 2010 if I would have been planning a birthday party for my son, I would have wondered why you would have tortured me with such thoughts. But with where I am at in my journey, it just feels right, it feels natural to do this for our baby...more importantly for us. It's our way of acknowledging our love for our sweet child and for including him in our family memories. I'm so glad planning this party has occupied my time...it's filled my mind with happy thoughts, truly.
Well, mostly happy thoughts!
I called and ordered Jacob's cake yesterday. I had a limited selection of bakeries who would be open when we needed to pick up the cake. Well, wouldn't you know the bakery I picked can't do a giraffe! ARGH! I was more than a tad disappointed but quickly tried to find a cute substitute...baby bunny? Nope. Cute little animals of some kind? Nope, none of those either. Okay...so I asked, "What do you have for babies or babies first birthdays?" Clowns, I was told. Clown faces! Somehow, I just DON'T see clowns on my precious Jacob's cake! Totally not what I was going for! :) I finally asked for Pooh Bear. The old stand-by. Yup, they did have a Winnie the Pooh kit and described all of the characters, including Tigger! Made me think of my broken-tailed Tigger that I used for the boys' cakes and I had to say yes. I think in some ways it is fitting that Jacob's first cake be Winnie the Pooh since that's what I had for both Sammy and Benny's first birthdays. I think Jacob would have loved it too. Oh, and I'll definitely have to post a picture because supposedly on the cake they are putting bumblebee picks (I guess that fits with Winnie the Pooh, right?) and a Cross made of roses. AND! I plan on sticking a plastic giraffe on the cake somewhere...should be an interesting piece of art, don't you think? :)
What was interesting about the plans for Jacob's party on Thursday is that I ran into snags and not just with getting my giraffe cake. I found myself getting really frustrated and down at one point. And then I stopped and almost laughed. How wonderful that things weren't going perfectly! I mean, would I really want everything to? I'm not sure if that makes sense but having things go awry kind of makes it feel more normal...more like it's a real event, rather than some picture-perfect event where everything had to be beyond beautiful and special.
Let me tell you about my snags...the first bakery I called for the cake had a substitute worker. Apparently he had never spelled the word, "giraffe", before so that took a few seconds to make sure he wrote down what I was hoping that they could do. And then the poor man couldn't tell me what the difference was between butter creme and freeze whip icing. Or how many people 1/8, 1/16, etc. cake sizes would hold. It was almost comical and I was a bit exasperated after our conversation. Alex then called with an alternate bakery that would work better for picking up the cake according to our time frame. Great! I was excited to call and find a possibly better place who would make my sweet Jacob's giraffe cake.
Welllll......this lady knew how to spell giraffe but unfortunately told me they couldn't do it because they didn't do pictures any more. I was surprised to hear this because I thought that's how bakeries pulled off such awesome designs. I know our folk dance group had our logo put on a cake for our recent 60th anniversary party so someone must have pulled some strings because I'm getting the cake from the same place! Anyway, I felt bad because I made the poor woman cry. Yup, when I told her what I wanted written on the cake, "Happy First Birthday in Heaven Jacob", she started crying so hard that she had to pass me off to her manager! I felt terrible! I guess I caught her off guard and tried to keep my composure as I explained our little party and that we were okay with things...that this was a celebration of love. She was a grandma and apologized for losing it on the phone. We shared a nice teary laugh after that!
So, finally my cake dilemma was resolved as well as it could be. On to the next snag...a slide show. I had this grandiose thought that maybe I could pull together a last minute slide show/video for Jacob's birthday. It was something I'd thought about for months and I had a friend offer to do his memorial show last October but I couldn't get all of the photos to her through email. My stupid account picked and chose which to send/not send due to file size. I finally got so frustrated back then that I just dropped it and hoped to resume later.
I had heard of a software program that a few of my friends had used to do slide shows so thought I'd tinker with it for a few minutes to see what I could do, if anything. I thought it would be fun to spend time with Jacob in this way...to do something for him, to think of him...something relaxing and creative, you know? All was going well until it came time to upload my song.
Okay...time to insert major embarrassment here. :)
Ready?
I don't know how to download a song.
Okay, not totally, but close enough! Big sigh. I don't know where to go to download songs that won't get you in trouble later! I'm sure I sound totally stupid right now! How many of you are chuckling? :) We don't use MP3s...IPODs, etc. I've never had a need for a song that isn't on YouTube, a CD or the radio. Yes, I have downloaded songs to my phone for ring tones but that seemed to work differently. I just haven't gotten around to getting an IPOD yet. Some day. :)
I wanted "Hug Him Once for Me" by Erica McClure. I fell in love with this song last October and knew it was perfect for Jacob's birthday slide show. It is so uplifting, so beautiful and just so full of what I feel for Jacob that I knew I had to use it. And of course it brings me to tears every time I hear it. What a great song! The trouble is that whenever I found it and tried to download it, I couldn't understand the jargon in the "agreement" ...you know that thing you are supposed to read and agree to before you click, "download"? One site kept saying the download was only temporary, and that they would track how many times you played it...good grief!!
Talk about like feeling like an idiot. I was talking with Alex in tears in my eyes and said I should just give up and leave making videos to the young people in the world. Here I am with a Master's Degree and I can't even understand simple terms of downloading!! UGH!!
Well, I really hope that I was just a bit of stress talking yesterday because now I read what I wrote and it sounds really funny. Thankfully, my sweet hubby was supportive and encouraging and told me not to feel bad since we just don't do that often enough to know all of the lingo, the best sites, etc. Plus, he reminded me that our computer isn't the hottest, most awesome thing on the block either.
I finally decided to do the one thing that made sense...I found the songwriter's email address and wrote her asking for how and where to download/buy her song legally (and hopefully easily!) I really hope to hear from her and can't wait to tell her how much her song means to me, and to so many other mom's I'm sure!
And, after that song struggle wouldn't you know that I found an easier video program to use? Just kind of stumbled on it...I'd like to think God was giving me a bit of a break so and old string of posts about video programs just happened to pop back up to the top of a group page for me to see it. I loved working with the new program and once I get my song, well, hopefully soon I'll be putting the final touches on Jacob's birthday video! Whoo hoo!
So, all in all, it's been totally fun and totally normal getting ready for Jacob's birthday. I've felt some anxiety, yes. Some sadness here and there. Some frustrations. Will there be things I'll probably regret not doing? Things that I wished I would have spent time on rather than rushing at the last minute? Oh sure. I'm human. I'm sure I'll regret something! But I hope no matter what I do or don't do throughout Jacob's birthday and the rest of the weekend when we celebrate our son, I hope that I keep looking for and keep feeling the joy that simply loving him brings. That's what is most important.
Did I tell you that I saved a butterfly a few days ago? That might not sound like much to some people but I haven't seen a butterfly in probably at least a year. Oh the boys keep pointing out those little white moths which they call butterflies, but I haven't seen anything with color. So many of my baby loss friends write about seeing butterflies. They post beautiful pictures of butterflies coming to visit them on gorgeous flowers. Lately I've just really wanted to see a butterfly...where was my butterfly? It's kind of been bugging me I guess.
Well I was moving something around in the garage and heard a rustling. I figured it was the dumb June bug that we saw the other day. I turned and saw what I thought was a brown moth fluttering away on the garage door window trying desperately to get outside. I walked away at first but then knew I couldn't just leave that moth there. I decided against opening the garage door because I figured the thing would just ride up and get stuck even further. I finally found a container and gently caught him. It was then that I saw the orange on the inside of his wings. It was a butterfly, not a brown moth!
I took him outside where he immediately landed on a bush and opened his wings showing me all of the vibrant colors. He just sat there for a few minutes. I got my camera and almost got a picture of him but moved the wrong way so must have spooked him. I know I just had a big smile on my face though when I came back inside. Not only had I save the little creature from drying out in our hot garage, but I actually saw a butterfly! And, how ironic that it happened 2 days before Jacob's birthday?
Babyloss moms know that butterflies are a symbol in our little community. Well, I think I've even heard that butterflies are a symbol for others as well...a dear friend told me she thought that my butterfly was Jacob coming to visit me. :) Maybe it was Jacob, maybe it was a message from Jacob...or from God...saying that Jacob was okay...letting me know that I'm okay, that we're all okay. Whatever the message, I got it.
So those are the little things I'll be looking for this weekend amidst the regular life that we still will be muddling through. Amidst the "perfect" party things that I will plan for and try to do, I'll be simply hoping to find and to cherish those little moments of joy because they make me feel closer to my baby.
And close to Jacob is where I love to be! Happy First Birthday Jacob!! Thank you for sending Mommy that butterfly the other day! You know you are always welcome to visit Mommy in her dreams...just once I'd love to see your sweet face! I love you Jacob, you live in Mommy's heart and will forever...until we are together some day!
And, because I can't hug you yet sweetie, I'm asking Jesus to give you a huge hug from Mommy today! Here is my favorite song for thinking of you with joy and love in my heart! I love you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Jacob's Birthday Preparations
Well, I'm back! I had no idea that I would ever be gone actually. First let me apologize to everyone who read my blog faithfully or even who just occasionally popped in to check this mother's journey...I never had any intention of taking a break from writing something which was so dear to me. You probably noticed that my last post was the day before Jacob's first angelversary (the first anniversary of his death) and then everything dropped and went silent. I am so sorry for disappearing without a word or update in the last 5.5 months.
Something happened on Jacob's anniversary which caused me to stop writing. I've thought for months now about how I would come back...what would my first post say as far as explaining what could be strong enough to keep me from writing for so long. I longed to write, I needed to desperately but just couldn't. Until now. It's time. It's time to come back to what helped me heal so much in the beginning. It's time to come back to writing also what I hope helps others whether they are baby loss moms or not. It's time to come back to writing about Jacob and my journey through motherhood. How can I deny my heart any longer? :)
Jacob's first birthday is coming up in a matter of days and I knew I had to be writing by then so here I am. I want to focus on nothing but the joy and love I have in my heart for my sweet baby in Heaven so for now, just know that I humbly apologize for my disappearance last fall. I would be so honored if you would consider once again reading my blog. Your support has always meant so much to me and has truly touched me since day one of my writing.
While I have so many posts drafted up right now, I had to start with something most timely for my first post back. I've already mentioned that Jacob's birthday is coming up. This Friday, April 20, 2012 my sweet little baby would be turning one had he lived to be born here on Earth. I remember last year when I calculated his due date. I was originally given an early May date but knew Jacob would have come early just like his brothers. Sammy was born 10 days early. Benny was born 14 days early. I picked a mid-way point and calculated that my sweet Jacob would have been born around 12 days early, so April 20, 2011 became my "due date" or what would have been his "birth" day. So this is the day that we will lovingly celebrate every year. I love that it's in April too--just 16 days after my birthday--makes me feel even closer to him knowing that he would have been the sweetest birthday present ever last year.
The other night I sat down and did something I had been meaning to do for months. I sent out Jacob's invitations to his birthday party. Okay, that would be Facebook Event invitations that I "sent out". I had meant to do it awhile back as so many baby loss moms create those special birthday and angelversary events far in advance. I hadn't created Jacob's yet because I've been trying to get some things ready first. Can't say more than that right now but that was my delay. Well, you know how you can try for so long to get everything "just right" and then before you know it, you've missed the boat altogether?
I told myself that no matter what I was sitting down that night and creating the event regardless of what was done or not. The boys were outside playing while Alex mowed. The dogs were chowing down on their food. The laundry was movin' and groovin' downstairs. I finally took the precious time I needed to create Jacob's birthday note. I cannot tell you how happy and how proud I felt. I know it probably sounds silly but I was a mommy who was truly excited to celebrate her son's first birthday and to share my love for him with everyone. Well, happy and proud just doesn't describe enough how I felt.
I found myself thinking back to Sammy and Benny's first birthdays. Neither boy had a big birthday party that required invitations as it was just immediate family who came. What I do remember though is how much fun I had picking out the birthday decor and a cake theme for each. I know I did Winnie the Pooh for each because I'd always loved Pooh Bear and it just fit so well with a one-year old party. We still have the hats and even a few spare plates that were never used. I will be pulling them out this Friday!
It was so fun buying all of that stuff back then...the plastic tablecloth, the party hats, the birthday badge, the plates, the napkins. And I remember Sammy's cake had plastic birthday figures on it. Sammy loved Tigger and ended up breaking Tigger's tail off at some point when he was a little older. He was so upset about that poor Tigger. Right now I can't remember Benny's cake exactly but I know I recycled the Pooh characters for it as well...broken Tigger and all.
If you are a baby loss mom, then you've probably heard or read a sentence like this before on another baby loss mom's or group's page, "I should be...(fill in the blank regarding what she would do if her baby was still here)". Well, here's my go at it... Right now had things gone differently in 2010 and Jacob not passed away, I should be planning Jacob's first birthday party. I should be digging around the baby wipes boxes that I use to store the boys' plastic figures and trying to find that missing tailed Tigger. I should be talking to my mom about what cake to order for when we would come up to celebrate with the rest of our family for the big "baby's first birthday party". I should be buying a new tablecloth, plates and then checking the Pooh hats to make sure the strings all still work. I should be picking out which birthday outfit Jacob would be wearing and wondering if the icing will stain it or not. I should be checking out the newest baby toys in the store to find something different that Jacob would like.
But, I'm not doing all of those things...and that's okay, because I am doing some of those things. :)
I AM planning Jacob's first birthday parties. Yes, you read that right. I am actually planning two little celebrations of joy and love for our sweet Jacob. One little birthday party we will hold on his actual birthday, Friday, April 20. Because Alex will be out of town it will just be the boys and I. But you can bet your boots that I will pull out what I can of the Pooh birthday stuff for one more party. I will pull out whatever I can find that is left from the boys' first birthday parties. I will be hunting for Tigger and the gang to join us as well. Benny is asking for Valentine cookies (it doesn't matter what holiday or season we are in, Benny likes Valentine cookies) so we will see what is on the dessert menu for the night. :)
And then on Sunday when Alex will be home, we will have our sweet little family birthday party...this time with a giraffe theme. Even though I always made a cake for the boys whenever we celebrated at home (we would have either a bakery-bought or one of mom's cakes at her house), I have just been wanting to something really special for Jacob's birthday and that is to order a bakery cake with a giraffe on it. I'm far from a great cake decorator so don't even want to think what my version of a giraffe would look like if I do it on my own!
The night of my D&C back in 2010 we stopped by Walmart for something that we probably couldn't live without, who knows what it was. It donned on me that night as I trudged through the aisles with a very heavy heart and eyes that burned from crying way too much that I hadn't yet bought any kind of stuffed animal for Jacob...something personal just for him. I wished I had more to choose from than just Walmart's selection of baby plush but I couldn't be choosy at that point. I needed something desperately and decided upon a small pale yellow giraffe with a white tummy, brown spots and the sweetest smile. It's the kind of stuffed animal just right for a young baby--no fuzzy hair, just a smooth and soft feel to it. And no pull-on eyes or features either...just eyes and other features sewn flat.
That sweet little giraffe would have been perfect for chubby little baby hands, perfect for little drooling baby gums and perfect to chunk from a high chair. I'm sure Jacob would have loved it. Just like his mommy loves it now.
That giraffe might not have ever been chewed on, spit up on or thrown from a grocery cart, but wouldn't you know it means the world to me. I take Jacob's giraffe with me every time we travel. I've taken it with me sometimes when we just so somewhere locally--to church, to a special event like the Memorial Walk we went on for Jacob last October, to the Christmas Tree Lighting Remebrance Ceremony for Jacob, etc. Yup, if you see me someday and happen to sneak a peak into my purse or bag, you might just see my little buddy travelling with me.
I'm still hammering out plans for the whole weekend trying to figure out what I will do with just the boys, as opposed to when Alex is back and we celebrate all together. Even now though I can tell you I'm excited. Just a month ago I planned Sammy's first "friend" birthday party. He turned 7 and we had 20-some kids show up and bounce off the walls for 2 hours. It was a super-hero theme and I had set up "superhero training" stations for the games, prizes, name tags, you name it. The party was a total hit with Sammy, Benny, the kids and their parents. I had so much fun planning it and every throb of my head that night after the screaming children left was worth it. So I hadn't slept because I was stuffing goody bags and pulling all of the signs and supplies together. So I'd been on my aching feet forever in my "Super Mommy" costume boots (all of the kids came in superhero costumes). Sammy's smile (and of course Benny's) was priceless and I'd to it all again for my sons without a doubt.
Just as I was excited to plan that party for Sammy because I love him so very much, I feel the same amount of excitement, joy and love at planning this little celebration for Jacob. It doesn't matter that he isn't here physically, that he was never truly "born" here on Earth and that we've never met him face-to-face. He is our son, our precious child that I carried for 13 wonderful weeks. He is a part of Alex and I. He is the boys' little baby brother that they couldn't wait to meet and that they still talk about today. He lives in our hearts and always will. And that's enough. That's more than enough reason to remember him and to celebrate the love we feel for him on such a special day. I know the boys will have fun at our little parties and it will be a wonderful time of making precious memories for our family as we include our baby up in Heaven.
And I have to try to describe one more thing I am feeling today as I write this post...overwhelming gratitude. As soon as I posted my event invitation on facebook, I started seeing friends and family accept it. The notification, "__________________ is attending Jacob's First Birthday Party in Heaven" was silently and ever so sweetly popping up on the lower left side of my screen. As more and more notifications came in, one right after another, the tears started flowing. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to see people's quick responses. Do you know what it means to a baby loss mom to hear/see her child acknowledged and remembered by others? There are no words to describe the feeling fully.
Our friends and family have come and will continue to come to parties for Sammy and Benny through the years--they saw the "smash cake" that Sammy dug into at his first birthday party, they saw the icing smeared all over both boys' faces, they saw the tears when both boys grew tired of smiling for pictures...they saw the boys learn how to unwrap gifts--a nice slow tear of wrapping paper when they were both younger which has now turned into a frantic 'rip-fest'...echoed by Benny's excited shouts of what he got and his "...ooh, nice!" following each item. They will continue to see how the boys grow and develop each year. They've seen what is on each cake--Winnie the Pooh, Thomas, Power Rangers, Spiderman, Micky Mouse, Ben 10...and will wonder who the lucky characters will be next year. They will see how big the boys smile when we all sing "Happy Birthday" to them...ah, how I've loved this part of our birthday celebrations!! Both Sammy and Benny smile so big when we break into song. The candles light up their joyful smiles and you can see how truly special they feel when it is their turn to be the "birthday boy.". Our friends and family will be a part of these precious memories through the years.
But the same can't be said for Jacob's birthday parties. Jacob won't have candles illuminating his face or icing in his fingernails. He won't have his birthday hat sliding off of his head or wrapping paper to tackle. He won't have years of birthday party photos that mommy will need to scrabook someday.
But he will have love and so much of it. He will have the love of his family and friends who acknowledge that he was here, even if only for a short 13 weeks. He was here and will forever be a part of our family. So for that, please let me express my heartfelt thank you to everyone who is "coming" to Jacob's birthday party. It may seem silly to those of you who aren't baby loss moms that I'm even holding such an "event" but it means so much to those of us who are, me included. Thank you for simply acknowledging Jacob and our love for him. It truly touches my heart. For those of you who are reading this and who don't know me personally on facebook, thank you as well for sharing in my joy at planning Jacob's First Birthday Party. I hope you'll check out my next several posts as I share more of our party preparations and photos!
So with that, my friends, let me apologize once again for my absence of the last few months. I appreciate that you are reading this now and hope to hear from you some time. For those of you who are "coming" to Jacob's birthday party, thank you for your acknowledgement and support of our love for him. And if I missed anyone accidentally, or if you'd like to "come" to our little shindig on facebook, please let me know so that I can invite you! :)
You'll be hearing from me...soon.
Something happened on Jacob's anniversary which caused me to stop writing. I've thought for months now about how I would come back...what would my first post say as far as explaining what could be strong enough to keep me from writing for so long. I longed to write, I needed to desperately but just couldn't. Until now. It's time. It's time to come back to what helped me heal so much in the beginning. It's time to come back to writing also what I hope helps others whether they are baby loss moms or not. It's time to come back to writing about Jacob and my journey through motherhood. How can I deny my heart any longer? :)
Jacob's first birthday is coming up in a matter of days and I knew I had to be writing by then so here I am. I want to focus on nothing but the joy and love I have in my heart for my sweet baby in Heaven so for now, just know that I humbly apologize for my disappearance last fall. I would be so honored if you would consider once again reading my blog. Your support has always meant so much to me and has truly touched me since day one of my writing.
While I have so many posts drafted up right now, I had to start with something most timely for my first post back. I've already mentioned that Jacob's birthday is coming up. This Friday, April 20, 2012 my sweet little baby would be turning one had he lived to be born here on Earth. I remember last year when I calculated his due date. I was originally given an early May date but knew Jacob would have come early just like his brothers. Sammy was born 10 days early. Benny was born 14 days early. I picked a mid-way point and calculated that my sweet Jacob would have been born around 12 days early, so April 20, 2011 became my "due date" or what would have been his "birth" day. So this is the day that we will lovingly celebrate every year. I love that it's in April too--just 16 days after my birthday--makes me feel even closer to him knowing that he would have been the sweetest birthday present ever last year.
The other night I sat down and did something I had been meaning to do for months. I sent out Jacob's invitations to his birthday party. Okay, that would be Facebook Event invitations that I "sent out". I had meant to do it awhile back as so many baby loss moms create those special birthday and angelversary events far in advance. I hadn't created Jacob's yet because I've been trying to get some things ready first. Can't say more than that right now but that was my delay. Well, you know how you can try for so long to get everything "just right" and then before you know it, you've missed the boat altogether?
I told myself that no matter what I was sitting down that night and creating the event regardless of what was done or not. The boys were outside playing while Alex mowed. The dogs were chowing down on their food. The laundry was movin' and groovin' downstairs. I finally took the precious time I needed to create Jacob's birthday note. I cannot tell you how happy and how proud I felt. I know it probably sounds silly but I was a mommy who was truly excited to celebrate her son's first birthday and to share my love for him with everyone. Well, happy and proud just doesn't describe enough how I felt.
I found myself thinking back to Sammy and Benny's first birthdays. Neither boy had a big birthday party that required invitations as it was just immediate family who came. What I do remember though is how much fun I had picking out the birthday decor and a cake theme for each. I know I did Winnie the Pooh for each because I'd always loved Pooh Bear and it just fit so well with a one-year old party. We still have the hats and even a few spare plates that were never used. I will be pulling them out this Friday!
It was so fun buying all of that stuff back then...the plastic tablecloth, the party hats, the birthday badge, the plates, the napkins. And I remember Sammy's cake had plastic birthday figures on it. Sammy loved Tigger and ended up breaking Tigger's tail off at some point when he was a little older. He was so upset about that poor Tigger. Right now I can't remember Benny's cake exactly but I know I recycled the Pooh characters for it as well...broken Tigger and all.
If you are a baby loss mom, then you've probably heard or read a sentence like this before on another baby loss mom's or group's page, "I should be...(fill in the blank regarding what she would do if her baby was still here)". Well, here's my go at it... Right now had things gone differently in 2010 and Jacob not passed away, I should be planning Jacob's first birthday party. I should be digging around the baby wipes boxes that I use to store the boys' plastic figures and trying to find that missing tailed Tigger. I should be talking to my mom about what cake to order for when we would come up to celebrate with the rest of our family for the big "baby's first birthday party". I should be buying a new tablecloth, plates and then checking the Pooh hats to make sure the strings all still work. I should be picking out which birthday outfit Jacob would be wearing and wondering if the icing will stain it or not. I should be checking out the newest baby toys in the store to find something different that Jacob would like.
But, I'm not doing all of those things...and that's okay, because I am doing some of those things. :)
I AM planning Jacob's first birthday parties. Yes, you read that right. I am actually planning two little celebrations of joy and love for our sweet Jacob. One little birthday party we will hold on his actual birthday, Friday, April 20. Because Alex will be out of town it will just be the boys and I. But you can bet your boots that I will pull out what I can of the Pooh birthday stuff for one more party. I will pull out whatever I can find that is left from the boys' first birthday parties. I will be hunting for Tigger and the gang to join us as well. Benny is asking for Valentine cookies (it doesn't matter what holiday or season we are in, Benny likes Valentine cookies) so we will see what is on the dessert menu for the night. :)
And then on Sunday when Alex will be home, we will have our sweet little family birthday party...this time with a giraffe theme. Even though I always made a cake for the boys whenever we celebrated at home (we would have either a bakery-bought or one of mom's cakes at her house), I have just been wanting to something really special for Jacob's birthday and that is to order a bakery cake with a giraffe on it. I'm far from a great cake decorator so don't even want to think what my version of a giraffe would look like if I do it on my own!
The night of my D&C back in 2010 we stopped by Walmart for something that we probably couldn't live without, who knows what it was. It donned on me that night as I trudged through the aisles with a very heavy heart and eyes that burned from crying way too much that I hadn't yet bought any kind of stuffed animal for Jacob...something personal just for him. I wished I had more to choose from than just Walmart's selection of baby plush but I couldn't be choosy at that point. I needed something desperately and decided upon a small pale yellow giraffe with a white tummy, brown spots and the sweetest smile. It's the kind of stuffed animal just right for a young baby--no fuzzy hair, just a smooth and soft feel to it. And no pull-on eyes or features either...just eyes and other features sewn flat.
That sweet little giraffe would have been perfect for chubby little baby hands, perfect for little drooling baby gums and perfect to chunk from a high chair. I'm sure Jacob would have loved it. Just like his mommy loves it now.
That giraffe might not have ever been chewed on, spit up on or thrown from a grocery cart, but wouldn't you know it means the world to me. I take Jacob's giraffe with me every time we travel. I've taken it with me sometimes when we just so somewhere locally--to church, to a special event like the Memorial Walk we went on for Jacob last October, to the Christmas Tree Lighting Remebrance Ceremony for Jacob, etc. Yup, if you see me someday and happen to sneak a peak into my purse or bag, you might just see my little buddy travelling with me.
Here's my little buddy. You can see his neck getting a little floppy and his paws are getting nubby.
He's been loved a lot by this mommy.
He's been loved a lot by this mommy.
This is a new giraffe that my Sammy surprised me with about a month or two ago! The boys were shopping with Alex while I was in another store. We met at the car and Sammy quickly pulled out this giraffe for me for Jacob. Yup, I cried right there in the parking lot. My boys are so incredibly thoughtful.
And here they are together. What sweet little buddies.
Giraffes obviously have become one of the two animals that remind me of Jacob. Giraffes and baby bunnies. I'll talk more about baby bunnies another time. For this first birthday party though giraffes are the theme that I am going with. No, I'm probably not going to deck the house out in spots, but I will have my giraffe cake for our sweet baby! I can't wait to see it.I'm still hammering out plans for the whole weekend trying to figure out what I will do with just the boys, as opposed to when Alex is back and we celebrate all together. Even now though I can tell you I'm excited. Just a month ago I planned Sammy's first "friend" birthday party. He turned 7 and we had 20-some kids show up and bounce off the walls for 2 hours. It was a super-hero theme and I had set up "superhero training" stations for the games, prizes, name tags, you name it. The party was a total hit with Sammy, Benny, the kids and their parents. I had so much fun planning it and every throb of my head that night after the screaming children left was worth it. So I hadn't slept because I was stuffing goody bags and pulling all of the signs and supplies together. So I'd been on my aching feet forever in my "Super Mommy" costume boots (all of the kids came in superhero costumes). Sammy's smile (and of course Benny's) was priceless and I'd to it all again for my sons without a doubt.
Just as I was excited to plan that party for Sammy because I love him so very much, I feel the same amount of excitement, joy and love at planning this little celebration for Jacob. It doesn't matter that he isn't here physically, that he was never truly "born" here on Earth and that we've never met him face-to-face. He is our son, our precious child that I carried for 13 wonderful weeks. He is a part of Alex and I. He is the boys' little baby brother that they couldn't wait to meet and that they still talk about today. He lives in our hearts and always will. And that's enough. That's more than enough reason to remember him and to celebrate the love we feel for him on such a special day. I know the boys will have fun at our little parties and it will be a wonderful time of making precious memories for our family as we include our baby up in Heaven.
And I have to try to describe one more thing I am feeling today as I write this post...overwhelming gratitude. As soon as I posted my event invitation on facebook, I started seeing friends and family accept it. The notification, "__________________ is attending Jacob's First Birthday Party in Heaven" was silently and ever so sweetly popping up on the lower left side of my screen. As more and more notifications came in, one right after another, the tears started flowing. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to see people's quick responses. Do you know what it means to a baby loss mom to hear/see her child acknowledged and remembered by others? There are no words to describe the feeling fully.
Our friends and family have come and will continue to come to parties for Sammy and Benny through the years--they saw the "smash cake" that Sammy dug into at his first birthday party, they saw the icing smeared all over both boys' faces, they saw the tears when both boys grew tired of smiling for pictures...they saw the boys learn how to unwrap gifts--a nice slow tear of wrapping paper when they were both younger which has now turned into a frantic 'rip-fest'...echoed by Benny's excited shouts of what he got and his "...ooh, nice!" following each item. They will continue to see how the boys grow and develop each year. They've seen what is on each cake--Winnie the Pooh, Thomas, Power Rangers, Spiderman, Micky Mouse, Ben 10...and will wonder who the lucky characters will be next year. They will see how big the boys smile when we all sing "Happy Birthday" to them...ah, how I've loved this part of our birthday celebrations!! Both Sammy and Benny smile so big when we break into song. The candles light up their joyful smiles and you can see how truly special they feel when it is their turn to be the "birthday boy.". Our friends and family will be a part of these precious memories through the years.
But the same can't be said for Jacob's birthday parties. Jacob won't have candles illuminating his face or icing in his fingernails. He won't have his birthday hat sliding off of his head or wrapping paper to tackle. He won't have years of birthday party photos that mommy will need to scrabook someday.
But he will have love and so much of it. He will have the love of his family and friends who acknowledge that he was here, even if only for a short 13 weeks. He was here and will forever be a part of our family. So for that, please let me express my heartfelt thank you to everyone who is "coming" to Jacob's birthday party. It may seem silly to those of you who aren't baby loss moms that I'm even holding such an "event" but it means so much to those of us who are, me included. Thank you for simply acknowledging Jacob and our love for him. It truly touches my heart. For those of you who are reading this and who don't know me personally on facebook, thank you as well for sharing in my joy at planning Jacob's First Birthday Party. I hope you'll check out my next several posts as I share more of our party preparations and photos!
So with that, my friends, let me apologize once again for my absence of the last few months. I appreciate that you are reading this now and hope to hear from you some time. For those of you who are "coming" to Jacob's birthday party, thank you for your acknowledgement and support of our love for him. And if I missed anyone accidentally, or if you'd like to "come" to our little shindig on facebook, please let me know so that I can invite you! :)
You'll be hearing from me...soon.
Monday, October 24, 2011
On Jacob's One-Year Angelversary...Mommy Loves and Remembers
In loving memory of my Baby Jacob, here is one of the last photos of him alive. Taken at our in-depth ultrasound at 12.5 weeks on October 21, 2010, you can see my little baby as we saw him. His head is on the right and he is looking up. If you go to the left along the top of the photo, you will see his eyes and nose and mouth. There you will see what they thought was a possible cleft lip or cleft palate. You can also see his right hand up by his face (in the dark space) and his left hand close to his body. You can see a dark spot by his tummy--that was something that wasn't supposed to be there--his small intestines were outside of his body but they were enclosed in a sack. I guess that meant that it wasn't super major and was fixable with surgery if he would have lived to have been born. You can then see Jacob' little feet up in the air on the far left and then it curves around to show his butt and his back as you head back to the right along the bottom of the photo. This is the first time I've every posted a photo of him at this stage. I hope you enjoy meeting my son. Readers, meet Baby Jacob.
I would have never guessed that I would be at a point like this in my life. Well, who does? It has been one year since we lost our precious baby Jacob that you see alive in the photo above. One year.
I went back and read through some of my posts from one year ago. Who was that person? Who was that poor, hurting woman? Sometimes I can't believe that that woman was me. That I was the one going through such a dark and hurting pain. I was the one who lost a child, not someone else--not someone that you read about. It was me. I had a miscarriage. I had a D&C.
The beginning of this journey was so unbelievably painful--full of uncertainty, confusion, panic, sadness and anger. When I read my feelings from back then, I remember how bad things were. And then I say a prayer of gratitude for how much better things are now. Thank you, Lord, for the healing that you have brought to my life throughout the past year.
This isn't to say that all days are wonderful or that I've "moved on" from the grief over losing my son. There are some days that are still bad, frustrating or confusing. Have I moved on? No, I don't think anyone in a place like this just moves on. Have I moved forward? Yes. Call it a word choice preference if you want but you'll find in the baby loss community that many moms don't use or like "moving forward". I think it implies that they simply leave their baby behind. We all carry our baby with us and just hope and pray that we move forward with thoughts of love for our baby, rather than constant thoughts of grief and sorrow.
So I have "moved forward" with my baby in my heart and I am a different person than I was one year ago. Am I a better person? Who knows, don't we all like to think that? That something like this happens to us and we are changed for the better? Sure, I guess. I'd like to think that I've grown from this in a lot of ways, especially regarding my faith and my relationship with God. However I have changed, I know that I will forever carry October 25, 2010 with me. I will forever carry Jacob with me. I am a new person. I have three sons, not just two. Two of my boys live here with me. The third lives in Heaven. It's as simple and as beautiful as that.
One year ago. Last year at this time I remember being in such a different place. Even after we received Jacob's diagnosis I still was so unsure of what the future held for us. Doctors could be wrong, right? Maybe Jacob would beat the odds and make it to full term to be born. Maybe he would live for months. I had so many scenarios running through my head and it was so difficult to process them all.
It had been a rough weekend. Jacob's ultrasound had been on Thursday, October 21 and we had gone out of town for my mom's birthday to celebrate with her that weekend. Everything changed of course. What was supposed to be a joyous time full of birthday surprises had become a stressed event with all of us trying to best figure out how to celebrate her and yet to be mindful of the pain that we were experiencing.
On that Friday, October 22, I remember calling my brother and asking if they would mind coming up after we left. I had planned everything out for mom's party and had reminded him of the event just earlier that week. My brother and his wife were expecting too. They had just announced their pregnancy. Under the circumstances I just couldn't figure out how we would all be there at the same time. I love my brother and despite how much I would have loved to have seen him, I wanted him to have their time with my mom and family. I wanted them to be free to share their joy and not to have to worry about saying the wrong thing around us. I just felt it would be so awkward and especially didn't want my mom to have to worry about that since it was her birthday that was to bring us all together. Plus, I had no idea even how I would celebrate during such a time of misery and uncertainty but I had to try for my mom and for my boys. They had really been looking forward to Grandma's party so even though I considered not going home at all that weekend, I knew home was where we needed to be.
On Sunday, October 24, right before we left, I had Alex take a picture of Mom and I so she could have at least one picture with her grandson. I have misplaced the picture but hope to find it to post sometime--it's not a great one of me but it shows the genuine emotion of the night. I didn't have any eye make-up on and my eyes were red from crying. Truth is, I looked pretty pitiful. My mom looked great and so happy. My mom gives me such strength. She is my best friend and I really needed her during this time. While I was so grateful to have been able to come and see her I was also crying because I wished she could have come with us. I hated leaving her and facing the uncertainty with Jacob. I needed her so much.
Originally I had been looking forward to my October 25 doctor appointment. This was obviously prior to the ultrasound. I had just found a new dance group, clogging to be exact, and was so excited to start dancing again. Remember, we had just moved from Texas to Ohio in early August and had left all of our friends and activities (including clogging) behind. It was so great to find a new group after looking for the past few months. Unfortunately because I had had some spotting (one spot to be exact) a month prior in September, my doctor advised me to wait for this appointment before she gave me the thumbs up to start jumping around again.
Clogging was the last thing on my mind on Monday, October 25, 2010, as I walked in to the OB's office that afternoon. The memories I have from that day are permanently etched in my brain. How they took me straight back to my doctor's office so we wouldn't have to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant patients. How long we sat in that office waiting to see her. That wait was pure agony. I still wish my doctor would have simply rescheduled me for her last appointment of the day rather than having us come in at our normal time, only to get everyone else out of the way before seeing me. Nice gesture, just didn't work very well.
I've included a bit from my post last year, October 25, 2010. Feel free to read the rest of the post from that day if you wish:
"So as we waited for an eternity--an hour in the doctor's office--those questions chased each other around my mind. The boys watched Dora's Pirate Adventure on the DVD player we brought in for them. Because he had only 6 hours of sleep last night, Alex dozed off and on in the chair.
I can't tell you how long and how agonizing that hour was. I wanted to tell Dora to zip it. She sang with such gusto it was making me sick, literally. I grew tired of looking around the office. The brown carpeting. The medical certificates elegantly framed on the wall. The statues of doctors holding babies. The family picture showing my doctor, her husband and 3 smiling children. The collage of baby pictures showing her twins. The stupid pyramid clock on the desk was annoying. It was sliced at angles and rotated by seconds, minutes, and hours. How could anyone tell the time on that clock?
Finally the doctor came down the hall and introduced herself to Alex. She said she wanted to get all of her other patients out of the way so she could spend as much time with us as we needed. That was nice, but I wish they could have just told us to come later. It was so hard sitting there for an hour with nothing but worry and Dora pummeling your head.
One of the first questions she asked us was about our preference. I told her that I just didn't think I could terminate. It might make all the sense in the world to do so, but it just didn't feel right to me. I knew I could never live with my decision if I did do that. I know many women make this decision and I respect them because it is such a difficult decision to make. But we all make our own decisions that fit who we are. For me, it just was not something I could do.
From there we talked in-depth about everything that could happen and when. What if the baby miscarried in the next few weeks. What if the baby went past 20 weeks, how he would 'come out.' What hospital I would go to for what procedure. I know poor Alex's head was spinning--go to this hospital before 20 weeks but go to that one after because they have a level 3 NICU. Go to Labor and Delivery at this hospital. Go to the ER at that one.
We discussed having a 3rd c-section if my baby made it to near full-term. How he could still pass away because the birth process is so traumatic. Would I hold him for a few hours or if the neo-natologist gave him a quick assessment that saving his life was not possible, or if it was, he would be rushed to Dayton Children's Hospital where they have surgeons standing by but I would not be if anything were to go wrong there.
We discussed his chances. We discussed all of the things wrong with him. There were four primarily: 1- thickness behind the neck which could signal different problems, but not necessarily mental difficulties like I first thought. In fact, at this time, they didn't see any specific brain or heart problems but it could have been to early to detect. 2- A protrusion in the abdominal wall--this is something like, "Omaphele" or something like that. It doesn't matter the exact word. I was happy to know that it was only the baby's small intestines which were outside but still enclosed in a sack, compared to other situations were some babies have all of their organs outside and no sack to protect them. I know it sounds strange, but sometimes you need even the tiniest of hope to hold on to. 3- Extra digits--not a problem. 4--A cleft lip and/or palate--again, something they could fix. I was happy that that was ALL they found. Again, you take what you can get and not seeing any obvious heart problems right away was something ever so tiny that I could hold on to.
At this point it was around 5:30 or so. We'd been at the doctor's office for almost 2 hours. Dora had finally been shut off. It was now time for my ultrasound to check on my baby. I told Alex that he could take the boys out since they wouldn't be able to handle much more.
The doctor came in while the technician was doing my ultrasound. I'm no expert but I'd like to say I've learned something from all of these ultrasounds. There wasn't a heartbeat. I knew it before they even told me. My baby was lying kind off all stretched out with one hand up by his face and the other down. His legs were stretched out. I kept hoping to see the little 'flicker' as I called it, I hoped to see the little heartbeat. They kept looking at different angles. The doctor came close to the screen. I asked, "We can't see the heartbeat, huh?" My doctor said, "No, Kim. I'm sorry."
Even though I knew this was possible, an onslaught of tears hit again. There was my precious little child lying dead in my womb. Never to be held by me. Never to be sung to Mommy. Never to feel Mommy's tears on his face as I told him over and over how much I loved him. Never to nurse at my breast. How could this be? How could he have died so quickly? And why on earth couldn't we have done the ultrasound first? Do you know that I actually apologized to the doctor for taking up so much of her time discussing options when it wasn't even necessary?
My baby had been so active last Thursday. His little ankles were crossed. He kicked his feet several times. He squirmed, wiggled and rolled. It was so beautiful to see. But today, he was limp. Lifeless. He looked like a child's doll just...lying there.
One thing touched me. My baby died sometime today. I hit 13 weeks today. My baby measured 13 weeks. That meant he was with me until sometime today. It gives me a small degree of comfort in knowing that. Maybe he died this morning. Maybe it was during our visit with the doctor. I'll never know but I am happy to know that he wasn't gone for long before we found out. I don't know why this brings me a small amount of peace but it does. Knowing when he died. I guess I feel closer to him somehow.
I asked one more time for pictures of my baby. They were so kind to give them to me. Again, they are not the best angle, nor as close up as I could like but they show my tiny little love in there all the same. I'll treasure those pictures forever.
I was the last to leave the doctor's office. Again, for the few nurses and staff who were left it was a hush as I exited. Glances and quiet that quite frankly I'm getting tired of walking through."
I don't know how it was for you just now, but that was so hard for me to re-read. I can't believe everything that I went through in a matter of days. I can't believe that I somehow endured Dora and all of the gazillion scenarios we discussed only to find out that Jacob had died. All of the scenarios and planning were totally worthless at that point.
I know at times I wonder what might have happened if we did the ultrasound first that day? Would Jacob have been alive? Would he then have passed away some time later? Would I have missed a miscarriage and suffered from some infection? Remember, I was already at 13 weeks and was warned repeatedly that a late miscarriage in the next 2-3 weeks could be bad for me.
Perhaps all of this timing was truly in God's plan. Wow. I never thought of it that way until just now. What if God planned all of that out to the last agonizing minute of us waiting for the doctor? The extended wait that drove me nuts. The lengthy discussion with the doctor that had my head spinning. The Dora nightmare. The annoying pyramid clock that I wanted to chunk into the trash. Everything. What if God did that so to give my little baby time to pass away into His arms. And to give us time to know that he had gone so the doctors could take care of his mommy sooner rather than to wait any later. Wow. I'm blown away by that thought. I can't believe it took me a year to even consider this! This whole time I had been agitated by my wait but my Lord knew what he was doing. Thank you, Lord, for taking care of me that day. For not letting an infection build that could take Sammy and Benny's mommy away. Thank you for making me wait if it meant that You sent Your angels at that time to carry my baby back to You.
I want to share another photo that I have not shared before. It is my sweet little Jacob on the day that he died. After the doctor confirmed that Jacob didn't have a heart beat and I heard those dreaded words, "I'm sorry," again for the second time in 5 days, she printed pictures for me while I cried.
I still love that Jacob made it to exactly 13 weeks. I had just turned 13 weeks that day and Jacob measured the same. I don't know why but one year later this still brings me a huge amount of comfort knowing that he died then. It's like he died with me. He waited for us to see him on October 21. He probably just wanted to show off! :) He waited to celebrate his grandma's birthday that weekend and for her to tell him that she loved him. He fought hard and made it much longer than he should have--apparently most Trisomy 13 babies pass away very early in pregnancy, like around 4-6 weeks. He waited to die on the very day that I turned 13 weeks and for it to register that way at the doctor's office. He died with his mommy loving him so much.
Here is my little baby. Lying on his side, I think his face is angled up with his arm near it. I remember what the doctor and ultrasound technician told me last year about his position but it's hard to make out on this photo. It's really the only photo out of all of his ultrasound photos that I have a hard time seeing him in. I know he was stretched out. Maybe he just went to sleep or was taking a nap. And then he woke up in the most glorious place ever--Heaven! I'm sorry about the white space below, the photo scanned that way and I can't figure out how to cut that part.
Why did Jacob make it so long? Why did he make it 13 weeks? I have no idea. I still wonder about that alot. If you're wondering what type of anger or frustration I've had in the last year I guess you could throw that in there. I don't know that I've been angry really. I don't think that's the right word. I think confused fits better.
If I could ask God one question, that might be at the top of the list. If I was too old to conceive again, why didn't He just let things be? We'd been trying for awhile. Number three was taking longer. If it wasn't meant to be, why didn't we just not ever conceive and chalk it up to age in the end? But we did. God granted us another baby to love, just not here on earth. That's what I try to remember when I find myself wondering about that question. That's what I have to remember. Life is more than just what's here on earth. There is so much more awaiting all of us in Heaven. And my son is experiencing those things as I write this!
Would I have changed things? If God said, "Okay, Kim. Let's chat about this. Would you have rather I not let you get pregnant at all or let Jacob come see me sooner?" I'd probably sheepishly reply, "Uh, no." Because you see I am thankful that I did get pregnant. We did it all on our own--no pills, no shots, no ultrasounds. We beat the odds in some respects, huh?
And regarding God taking Jacob earlier? Oh no. Then I would have never seen my little one. I cherish that so much because I know that there are several moms who never see even an ultrasound photo. My heart breaks for them because I know how much every single photo means to me. And seeing him that last day alive? Technology is pretty cool. Despite my little baby being so tiny, I was able to see so much of him! And I LOVED every second of it!
I still wonder about it all though. God must have had a reason for everything that happened. For us getting pregnant right after we moved. For me to have made it through a third of my pregnancy carrying little Jacob. For Jacob dying so quickly after only 5 days from learning of his condition. I can guess all I want but what's most important is that I continue to trust God through all of this.
What happens next? Well, I am looking forward to our little private family celebration at 6:00 PM Tuesday, October 25, 2011. We will be remembering our precious Jacob--Alex, me, Sammy and Benny. I will write about that in the next few days and even will share photos too.
I made it one year. Wow. I still can't believe that one year has already gone by since I was last pregnant and anticipating joy at being a mommy again. Since I just felt that we were having another little boy to add to our mix. Since I found myself dropped into a dark well with storm clouds raging all around me and what appeared to be no way out of the chaos.
I did find a way out and every step has been a journey to make it out. I've learned that I was so naieve when I asked my nurse during my D&C how long the emotional pain would last. That's got to be one of the dumbest things I think I've ever asked but hey, maybe I can blame it on the drugs they had me on during my surgery? :) I learned that this is a pain that is a part of you but what it does to you depends on how you react to it...how much control you let it have. Sure, there have been plenty of days full of tears throughout the past year. But there have also been plenty of days full of joy at simply remembering my son. Those are the ones that I aim for because those are the ones that I feel bring me closer to him. I feel him more when I am joyous then when I am sad. Actually, I feel God's love more. I know that I am letting Him in to work His healing in me. And I'll take it. I'll take it because it's what got me out of that dark well that I was in one year ago today.
My dearest Jacob,
How Mommy loves you! How much I miss you!! You would be a sweet six months old right now, do you know that? We would have just gone to Grandma's this past weekend to sing happy birthday to her. Your party hat would have fallen off, no doubt! I don't know that I would have let you eat cake since you'd still be a bit young for that, but you probably might have checked it out with your little hands. Maybe you would have had six fingers, that's okay. I'd lick the icing off of a thousand little baby fingers if they were yours! And your brothers would have laughed at you for making a mess. And you would have laughed back. :) Your laughter would melt my heart, I know.
And this week, Jacob, we'd be getting your little Halloween costume ready. I always wanted to do the baby pumpkin thing and I'm sorry to say that you'd probably get stuck in such a silly little costume. But I know you'd humor Mommy, right? :)
Sweetheart, please know while this past year has been difficult and even now continues to be difficult as we approach all of the holidays which would have been your "firsts", I am okay. It's my love for you, for our family and for God which has gotten me through losing you.
Do you remember when I 'felt' you several months ago? It was only once but I know it was you. I think you dropped in on me to let mommy know you were okay. Jacob, if you can, would you come see Mommy tomorrow? I will be missing you so much. It's the day one year ago when I learned that you left me and it was so hard. I would love to feel you tomorrow!
Please know Jacob that you are loved! You were here for 13 wonderful weeks and so many people know your name now! They know that despite losing you so early, that despite never holding you in our arms, we love you so deeply and always will. You were here, my little one. Thank you for leaving your little footprints on my heart...the mark they left is permanent and I am so grateful.
With all of my love Jacob! Mommy remembers you today...Mommy loves you today, and always. "Hearts" to my baby...
Love, Mommy
I would have never guessed that I would be at a point like this in my life. Well, who does? It has been one year since we lost our precious baby Jacob that you see alive in the photo above. One year.
I went back and read through some of my posts from one year ago. Who was that person? Who was that poor, hurting woman? Sometimes I can't believe that that woman was me. That I was the one going through such a dark and hurting pain. I was the one who lost a child, not someone else--not someone that you read about. It was me. I had a miscarriage. I had a D&C.
The beginning of this journey was so unbelievably painful--full of uncertainty, confusion, panic, sadness and anger. When I read my feelings from back then, I remember how bad things were. And then I say a prayer of gratitude for how much better things are now. Thank you, Lord, for the healing that you have brought to my life throughout the past year.
This isn't to say that all days are wonderful or that I've "moved on" from the grief over losing my son. There are some days that are still bad, frustrating or confusing. Have I moved on? No, I don't think anyone in a place like this just moves on. Have I moved forward? Yes. Call it a word choice preference if you want but you'll find in the baby loss community that many moms don't use or like "moving forward". I think it implies that they simply leave their baby behind. We all carry our baby with us and just hope and pray that we move forward with thoughts of love for our baby, rather than constant thoughts of grief and sorrow.
So I have "moved forward" with my baby in my heart and I am a different person than I was one year ago. Am I a better person? Who knows, don't we all like to think that? That something like this happens to us and we are changed for the better? Sure, I guess. I'd like to think that I've grown from this in a lot of ways, especially regarding my faith and my relationship with God. However I have changed, I know that I will forever carry October 25, 2010 with me. I will forever carry Jacob with me. I am a new person. I have three sons, not just two. Two of my boys live here with me. The third lives in Heaven. It's as simple and as beautiful as that.
One year ago. Last year at this time I remember being in such a different place. Even after we received Jacob's diagnosis I still was so unsure of what the future held for us. Doctors could be wrong, right? Maybe Jacob would beat the odds and make it to full term to be born. Maybe he would live for months. I had so many scenarios running through my head and it was so difficult to process them all.
It had been a rough weekend. Jacob's ultrasound had been on Thursday, October 21 and we had gone out of town for my mom's birthday to celebrate with her that weekend. Everything changed of course. What was supposed to be a joyous time full of birthday surprises had become a stressed event with all of us trying to best figure out how to celebrate her and yet to be mindful of the pain that we were experiencing.
On that Friday, October 22, I remember calling my brother and asking if they would mind coming up after we left. I had planned everything out for mom's party and had reminded him of the event just earlier that week. My brother and his wife were expecting too. They had just announced their pregnancy. Under the circumstances I just couldn't figure out how we would all be there at the same time. I love my brother and despite how much I would have loved to have seen him, I wanted him to have their time with my mom and family. I wanted them to be free to share their joy and not to have to worry about saying the wrong thing around us. I just felt it would be so awkward and especially didn't want my mom to have to worry about that since it was her birthday that was to bring us all together. Plus, I had no idea even how I would celebrate during such a time of misery and uncertainty but I had to try for my mom and for my boys. They had really been looking forward to Grandma's party so even though I considered not going home at all that weekend, I knew home was where we needed to be.
On Sunday, October 24, right before we left, I had Alex take a picture of Mom and I so she could have at least one picture with her grandson. I have misplaced the picture but hope to find it to post sometime--it's not a great one of me but it shows the genuine emotion of the night. I didn't have any eye make-up on and my eyes were red from crying. Truth is, I looked pretty pitiful. My mom looked great and so happy. My mom gives me such strength. She is my best friend and I really needed her during this time. While I was so grateful to have been able to come and see her I was also crying because I wished she could have come with us. I hated leaving her and facing the uncertainty with Jacob. I needed her so much.
Originally I had been looking forward to my October 25 doctor appointment. This was obviously prior to the ultrasound. I had just found a new dance group, clogging to be exact, and was so excited to start dancing again. Remember, we had just moved from Texas to Ohio in early August and had left all of our friends and activities (including clogging) behind. It was so great to find a new group after looking for the past few months. Unfortunately because I had had some spotting (one spot to be exact) a month prior in September, my doctor advised me to wait for this appointment before she gave me the thumbs up to start jumping around again.
Clogging was the last thing on my mind on Monday, October 25, 2010, as I walked in to the OB's office that afternoon. The memories I have from that day are permanently etched in my brain. How they took me straight back to my doctor's office so we wouldn't have to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant patients. How long we sat in that office waiting to see her. That wait was pure agony. I still wish my doctor would have simply rescheduled me for her last appointment of the day rather than having us come in at our normal time, only to get everyone else out of the way before seeing me. Nice gesture, just didn't work very well.
I've included a bit from my post last year, October 25, 2010. Feel free to read the rest of the post from that day if you wish:
"So as we waited for an eternity--an hour in the doctor's office--those questions chased each other around my mind. The boys watched Dora's Pirate Adventure on the DVD player we brought in for them. Because he had only 6 hours of sleep last night, Alex dozed off and on in the chair.
I can't tell you how long and how agonizing that hour was. I wanted to tell Dora to zip it. She sang with such gusto it was making me sick, literally. I grew tired of looking around the office. The brown carpeting. The medical certificates elegantly framed on the wall. The statues of doctors holding babies. The family picture showing my doctor, her husband and 3 smiling children. The collage of baby pictures showing her twins. The stupid pyramid clock on the desk was annoying. It was sliced at angles and rotated by seconds, minutes, and hours. How could anyone tell the time on that clock?
Finally the doctor came down the hall and introduced herself to Alex. She said she wanted to get all of her other patients out of the way so she could spend as much time with us as we needed. That was nice, but I wish they could have just told us to come later. It was so hard sitting there for an hour with nothing but worry and Dora pummeling your head.
One of the first questions she asked us was about our preference. I told her that I just didn't think I could terminate. It might make all the sense in the world to do so, but it just didn't feel right to me. I knew I could never live with my decision if I did do that. I know many women make this decision and I respect them because it is such a difficult decision to make. But we all make our own decisions that fit who we are. For me, it just was not something I could do.
From there we talked in-depth about everything that could happen and when. What if the baby miscarried in the next few weeks. What if the baby went past 20 weeks, how he would 'come out.' What hospital I would go to for what procedure. I know poor Alex's head was spinning--go to this hospital before 20 weeks but go to that one after because they have a level 3 NICU. Go to Labor and Delivery at this hospital. Go to the ER at that one.
We discussed having a 3rd c-section if my baby made it to near full-term. How he could still pass away because the birth process is so traumatic. Would I hold him for a few hours or if the neo-natologist gave him a quick assessment that saving his life was not possible, or if it was, he would be rushed to Dayton Children's Hospital where they have surgeons standing by but I would not be if anything were to go wrong there.
We discussed his chances. We discussed all of the things wrong with him. There were four primarily: 1- thickness behind the neck which could signal different problems, but not necessarily mental difficulties like I first thought. In fact, at this time, they didn't see any specific brain or heart problems but it could have been to early to detect. 2- A protrusion in the abdominal wall--this is something like, "Omaphele" or something like that. It doesn't matter the exact word. I was happy to know that it was only the baby's small intestines which were outside but still enclosed in a sack, compared to other situations were some babies have all of their organs outside and no sack to protect them. I know it sounds strange, but sometimes you need even the tiniest of hope to hold on to. 3- Extra digits--not a problem. 4--A cleft lip and/or palate--again, something they could fix. I was happy that that was ALL they found. Again, you take what you can get and not seeing any obvious heart problems right away was something ever so tiny that I could hold on to.
At this point it was around 5:30 or so. We'd been at the doctor's office for almost 2 hours. Dora had finally been shut off. It was now time for my ultrasound to check on my baby. I told Alex that he could take the boys out since they wouldn't be able to handle much more.
The doctor came in while the technician was doing my ultrasound. I'm no expert but I'd like to say I've learned something from all of these ultrasounds. There wasn't a heartbeat. I knew it before they even told me. My baby was lying kind off all stretched out with one hand up by his face and the other down. His legs were stretched out. I kept hoping to see the little 'flicker' as I called it, I hoped to see the little heartbeat. They kept looking at different angles. The doctor came close to the screen. I asked, "We can't see the heartbeat, huh?" My doctor said, "No, Kim. I'm sorry."
Even though I knew this was possible, an onslaught of tears hit again. There was my precious little child lying dead in my womb. Never to be held by me. Never to be sung to Mommy. Never to feel Mommy's tears on his face as I told him over and over how much I loved him. Never to nurse at my breast. How could this be? How could he have died so quickly? And why on earth couldn't we have done the ultrasound first? Do you know that I actually apologized to the doctor for taking up so much of her time discussing options when it wasn't even necessary?
My baby had been so active last Thursday. His little ankles were crossed. He kicked his feet several times. He squirmed, wiggled and rolled. It was so beautiful to see. But today, he was limp. Lifeless. He looked like a child's doll just...lying there.
One thing touched me. My baby died sometime today. I hit 13 weeks today. My baby measured 13 weeks. That meant he was with me until sometime today. It gives me a small degree of comfort in knowing that. Maybe he died this morning. Maybe it was during our visit with the doctor. I'll never know but I am happy to know that he wasn't gone for long before we found out. I don't know why this brings me a small amount of peace but it does. Knowing when he died. I guess I feel closer to him somehow.
I asked one more time for pictures of my baby. They were so kind to give them to me. Again, they are not the best angle, nor as close up as I could like but they show my tiny little love in there all the same. I'll treasure those pictures forever.
I was the last to leave the doctor's office. Again, for the few nurses and staff who were left it was a hush as I exited. Glances and quiet that quite frankly I'm getting tired of walking through."
I don't know how it was for you just now, but that was so hard for me to re-read. I can't believe everything that I went through in a matter of days. I can't believe that I somehow endured Dora and all of the gazillion scenarios we discussed only to find out that Jacob had died. All of the scenarios and planning were totally worthless at that point.
I know at times I wonder what might have happened if we did the ultrasound first that day? Would Jacob have been alive? Would he then have passed away some time later? Would I have missed a miscarriage and suffered from some infection? Remember, I was already at 13 weeks and was warned repeatedly that a late miscarriage in the next 2-3 weeks could be bad for me.
Perhaps all of this timing was truly in God's plan. Wow. I never thought of it that way until just now. What if God planned all of that out to the last agonizing minute of us waiting for the doctor? The extended wait that drove me nuts. The lengthy discussion with the doctor that had my head spinning. The Dora nightmare. The annoying pyramid clock that I wanted to chunk into the trash. Everything. What if God did that so to give my little baby time to pass away into His arms. And to give us time to know that he had gone so the doctors could take care of his mommy sooner rather than to wait any later. Wow. I'm blown away by that thought. I can't believe it took me a year to even consider this! This whole time I had been agitated by my wait but my Lord knew what he was doing. Thank you, Lord, for taking care of me that day. For not letting an infection build that could take Sammy and Benny's mommy away. Thank you for making me wait if it meant that You sent Your angels at that time to carry my baby back to You.
I want to share another photo that I have not shared before. It is my sweet little Jacob on the day that he died. After the doctor confirmed that Jacob didn't have a heart beat and I heard those dreaded words, "I'm sorry," again for the second time in 5 days, she printed pictures for me while I cried.
I still love that Jacob made it to exactly 13 weeks. I had just turned 13 weeks that day and Jacob measured the same. I don't know why but one year later this still brings me a huge amount of comfort knowing that he died then. It's like he died with me. He waited for us to see him on October 21. He probably just wanted to show off! :) He waited to celebrate his grandma's birthday that weekend and for her to tell him that she loved him. He fought hard and made it much longer than he should have--apparently most Trisomy 13 babies pass away very early in pregnancy, like around 4-6 weeks. He waited to die on the very day that I turned 13 weeks and for it to register that way at the doctor's office. He died with his mommy loving him so much.
Here is my little baby. Lying on his side, I think his face is angled up with his arm near it. I remember what the doctor and ultrasound technician told me last year about his position but it's hard to make out on this photo. It's really the only photo out of all of his ultrasound photos that I have a hard time seeing him in. I know he was stretched out. Maybe he just went to sleep or was taking a nap. And then he woke up in the most glorious place ever--Heaven! I'm sorry about the white space below, the photo scanned that way and I can't figure out how to cut that part.
Why did Jacob make it so long? Why did he make it 13 weeks? I have no idea. I still wonder about that alot. If you're wondering what type of anger or frustration I've had in the last year I guess you could throw that in there. I don't know that I've been angry really. I don't think that's the right word. I think confused fits better.
If I could ask God one question, that might be at the top of the list. If I was too old to conceive again, why didn't He just let things be? We'd been trying for awhile. Number three was taking longer. If it wasn't meant to be, why didn't we just not ever conceive and chalk it up to age in the end? But we did. God granted us another baby to love, just not here on earth. That's what I try to remember when I find myself wondering about that question. That's what I have to remember. Life is more than just what's here on earth. There is so much more awaiting all of us in Heaven. And my son is experiencing those things as I write this!
Would I have changed things? If God said, "Okay, Kim. Let's chat about this. Would you have rather I not let you get pregnant at all or let Jacob come see me sooner?" I'd probably sheepishly reply, "Uh, no." Because you see I am thankful that I did get pregnant. We did it all on our own--no pills, no shots, no ultrasounds. We beat the odds in some respects, huh?
And regarding God taking Jacob earlier? Oh no. Then I would have never seen my little one. I cherish that so much because I know that there are several moms who never see even an ultrasound photo. My heart breaks for them because I know how much every single photo means to me. And seeing him that last day alive? Technology is pretty cool. Despite my little baby being so tiny, I was able to see so much of him! And I LOVED every second of it!
I still wonder about it all though. God must have had a reason for everything that happened. For us getting pregnant right after we moved. For me to have made it through a third of my pregnancy carrying little Jacob. For Jacob dying so quickly after only 5 days from learning of his condition. I can guess all I want but what's most important is that I continue to trust God through all of this.
What happens next? Well, I am looking forward to our little private family celebration at 6:00 PM Tuesday, October 25, 2011. We will be remembering our precious Jacob--Alex, me, Sammy and Benny. I will write about that in the next few days and even will share photos too.
I made it one year. Wow. I still can't believe that one year has already gone by since I was last pregnant and anticipating joy at being a mommy again. Since I just felt that we were having another little boy to add to our mix. Since I found myself dropped into a dark well with storm clouds raging all around me and what appeared to be no way out of the chaos.
I did find a way out and every step has been a journey to make it out. I've learned that I was so naieve when I asked my nurse during my D&C how long the emotional pain would last. That's got to be one of the dumbest things I think I've ever asked but hey, maybe I can blame it on the drugs they had me on during my surgery? :) I learned that this is a pain that is a part of you but what it does to you depends on how you react to it...how much control you let it have. Sure, there have been plenty of days full of tears throughout the past year. But there have also been plenty of days full of joy at simply remembering my son. Those are the ones that I aim for because those are the ones that I feel bring me closer to him. I feel him more when I am joyous then when I am sad. Actually, I feel God's love more. I know that I am letting Him in to work His healing in me. And I'll take it. I'll take it because it's what got me out of that dark well that I was in one year ago today.
My dearest Jacob,
How Mommy loves you! How much I miss you!! You would be a sweet six months old right now, do you know that? We would have just gone to Grandma's this past weekend to sing happy birthday to her. Your party hat would have fallen off, no doubt! I don't know that I would have let you eat cake since you'd still be a bit young for that, but you probably might have checked it out with your little hands. Maybe you would have had six fingers, that's okay. I'd lick the icing off of a thousand little baby fingers if they were yours! And your brothers would have laughed at you for making a mess. And you would have laughed back. :) Your laughter would melt my heart, I know.
And this week, Jacob, we'd be getting your little Halloween costume ready. I always wanted to do the baby pumpkin thing and I'm sorry to say that you'd probably get stuck in such a silly little costume. But I know you'd humor Mommy, right? :)
Sweetheart, please know while this past year has been difficult and even now continues to be difficult as we approach all of the holidays which would have been your "firsts", I am okay. It's my love for you, for our family and for God which has gotten me through losing you.
Do you remember when I 'felt' you several months ago? It was only once but I know it was you. I think you dropped in on me to let mommy know you were okay. Jacob, if you can, would you come see Mommy tomorrow? I will be missing you so much. It's the day one year ago when I learned that you left me and it was so hard. I would love to feel you tomorrow!
Please know Jacob that you are loved! You were here for 13 wonderful weeks and so many people know your name now! They know that despite losing you so early, that despite never holding you in our arms, we love you so deeply and always will. You were here, my little one. Thank you for leaving your little footprints on my heart...the mark they left is permanent and I am so grateful.
With all of my love Jacob! Mommy remembers you today...Mommy loves you today, and always. "Hearts" to my baby...
Love, Mommy
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