Wow. First let me apologize for my delinquency in writing...I know a lot of you out there check in from time to time to read my blog and I am so sorry I've been delayed in writing! I've had so much to write about but I feel like I've been a bit swallowed up in the last two weeks at least. I've had an insanely crazy schedule and no time to do anything 'extra'...I'm so sorry...
I'll catch you up on a lot of that in a bit (including where we are with fertility treatments) but I'd like to tell you a bit about today. It's May 25--well, okay. It's now May 26 but just by a few hours. :) Today was our anniversary and it was, well, a bit out of the ordinary.
Because we have been so busy lately, neither my husband nor I had taken time to shop for anything for each other--even cards. We had talked about heading to the bookstore early this evening instead. Yup, we are both book-lovers and thought we could select something for the other person (even with some not-so-subtle hints) and then make our exchange at home over dinner. We also planned on stopping at Walmart for our anniversary cards and a few supplies.
Well, it's the spring season and as we all know, time for lots of TV shows to wrap up. We don't watch a lot of TV but knew we wanted to catch the final Oprah show as well as American Idol's Finale. Alex got home early from work and together he and I sat and watched Oprah share her heartfelt goodbye message. I really enjoyed this time with my husband. The boys were playing quietly in the kitchen and Alex & I were able to just sit, reflect on, and discuss Oprah's words during commercials. It felt nice to have that time together today.
Alex was considering finishing mowing the backyard when the show was over but when we saw that storms that were heading our way later that evening, we decided to quickly run out to complete our errands so we could beat the storms back...and of course, catch American Idol.
Let me stop here. I've always been one to carefully watch the weather. I'm a weather-girl through and through and have been since I was a kid. I was always fascinated by the weather and still am. But I'm also very cautious and try to play it safe. In every area where we've lived, I'm the one with the TV on watching this line, that cell, you name it, cross in different directions around my home. I can remember when we lived in Oklahoma, right in Tornado Alley, Alex would have no problem heading to bed despite the weather forecast. I'd stand in the bedroom doorway telling him that 70-mile an hour straight line winds were predicted to hit us and he'd shoe me out saying he needed sleep. Mind you, he was working crazy hours as a drill sgt. but I figured I'd pull him out of bed and to safety if it really ever came to it. Thankfully it never did. I'd stay up until the wee hours of the morning and only when I knew it was safe to go to bed, did I finally shut our TV off.
We caught the top of the six o'clock news after Oprah and got more information about the tornadic storm in Indiana that was heading for our area...our area in a broad sense. The weather man only gave a 10 minute storm path so we couldn't tell if it was really heading for us or not. I'm sure you've seen the reports. Storms can change direction, size, their path and intensity so quickly. A lot of times you just don't know what it will do when it's still so far out. We decided to make a quick dash out and to pop into the thrift store instead of heading for the bookstore which was about 20 minutes from our house. I saw how dark it was off to the side and we looked at the anvil cloud looming overhead. Alex guessed the storm was still a ways off but we agreed to keep checking our phones for weather updates in the store and to make it a quick visit.
I was pushing my cart towards the front of the store when I heard the weather warnings cut into the radio. I couldn't hear everything but didn't see anyone in the store moving quickly so I figured it was just another general update. I told Alex I was checking out and he took the boys to see a sweet old lady who works behind the jewelry/whatnot counter. Do you remember in one of my first posts when I first learned of Baby Jacob's condition how we had stopped at the thrift store afterwards? It was at that counter that I wandered up to for the first time ever when I spotted the "Be still and know that I am God" little gold bookmark that I still carry in my wallet. The lady who works behind the counter loves our boys and always slips them some sort of treat. I heard Alex asking her how her Mother's Day was when I overheard the cashiers talking about the weather.
"The sirens are going off!" One clerk yelled to the others and in an instant I saw panic hit all four women's faces, especially the girl ringing me up. The cashier, well, let's just say she gave me a deal I think. I heard her say, "How about all of this for $1", etc. The head cashier said they were going to lock the doors. I yelled for Alex and the boys and we and a few other customers dashed out of the store. I heard a customer say that there was severe hail heading this way. Everyone had the same look on their faces--panic.
It was dark out but no wind or rain yet. Where was this storm? I couldn't hear the sirens, I don't think. I don't remember hearing them. We raced out and started our drive home. We still had no idea where this storm was exactly or when it was going to hit us. It just looked like the darkness--a greenish, grey was enveloping us from 3 sides. We were driving into a skinny doorway of blue. I checked my phone and there it was where it hadn't been when we were in the store--"Tornado Warning". I read details: "Take cover immediately", "You won't be able to see or hear the tornado it it comes", etc. Alex turned on the radio and we heard the reports of very large hail and tornadic activity. I even heard the reporters saying how many cars were on the road and why weren't they heeding the warnings? I was mad. We were trying to heed the warnings! We were seriously racing to get home. This storm hit with very little advance warning and I'm still mad that the news at 6:15 couldn't even give us a general idea that it would hit us within the hour! It just all popped up so fast.
The reports coming over the radio by this point were starting to send me into a panic. I kept over my shoulder to see if anything was coming. Sammy was clutching a small robot in his car seat and I knew he was scared, especially when he saw my face. I tried so hard to be strong for him. My breathing quickened and the tears started to fall. Alex said we were less than 5 minutes from home.
We turned onto the main road leading to our house, we passed my OB's and that's when it hit. It's like the storm that had been following us was suddenly right on top of us. The winds blew sideways and the rain came. It was when I saw a tree branch blow through the air right in front of our car that I knew something bad was not only coming, it was already here. The reports had said the rotation would be rain-wrapped. If a tornado dropped we wouldn't see it or hear it in time.
We pulled onto the road heading to our neighborhood and that's when the hail hit. Big, loud, fast-falling hail. Alex screeched around the corner and pulled us into the first driveway we came to not even a half block from our house. We were sitting under a tree. Suddenly the radio went to a solid buzz. I thought of how that preceded the tornadoes the movie, "Twister". It was so loud, I don't think we could have heard the reports had the radio not gone out anyway. I yelled for Alex to take us home--that if a tornado hit the last place we wanted to be was in car. I knew he was panicking too. He started cussing, I was crying.
I just can't put into words how terrifying this drive home was. We were so close to making it home before the storm hit, but we didn't. I don't know that I've ever been that scared in my life. When I had a placental abruption with Sammy, I was scared and shaking all over at the thought of losing my son or of dying myself. When I went into labor early with Benny and we were caught in a bit of traffic, I was scared that we might not make it to the hospital in time. When I learned of Jacob's diagnosis, I was scared that he would die...or that he would live only for awhile and that I'd have to go through a nightmare just to hold him and then lose him. But this fear was something different. It was a fear of the unknown like the other situations, yes. But it felt like it was more of a monster coming after you. It was like your dreams where you are trying to outrun something dangerous or scary but you can't. It was loud and something you couldn't see and didn't know where it was.
We raced past the playground, around the corner, up the hill and up our driveway and somewhere from the house with the tree to our house I think my thoughts stopped. Literally, they just stopped. Was a tornado going to hit us? I don't know. How big was the hail that sounded like it was going to break our windshield? (and we'd heard that it was that bad where it had just gone through from the weather reports) Were we going to get hurt getting out of the van? At that point I stopped thinking and just acted on pure instinct. My babies. My boys. I just wanted to get into our house and basement. I knew Alex would get Sammy seated behind him and I went straight for Benny.
I opened my car door and felt the hail pummeling me. It was so loud. I yanked Benny's door open and I think I was crying telling Benny to hold on to his Spiderman. He had a shocked look on his face. I grabbed Spiderman for him. As soon as I threw him on my hip, he started to cry and yell. He hates storms anyway and I knew this one was something he hadn't expected. I slammed the door shut and dashed into the house not looking anywhere but the door. Alex took the boys straight downstairs and into the room under the stairs. I went for the dogs in their cages upstairs. After leaving them with the boys I ran back upstairs to grab something important.
Now, let me add here that if really strange noises started outside (suggesting something major was happening) I probably wouldn't have done that. But all I heard was the hail hitting the house and the windows, nothing else. I just knew that I had to get my baby if I could. Jacob's remains sit on a shelf in my bedroom and I flew in, grabbed them and his ultrasound picture and went back downstairs. By this time the hail was stopping and Alex was upstairs with the TV on. Finally we could watch the weather and see what on earth was happening! He said it looked like it was slowing down and that the worst was over.
Then the TV went out. But, our power stayed on.
Eventually things settled down enough that I felt it was safe for us all to come back upstairs. I was still shaking, not crying any more, but still breathing fast and furious. It felt like I'd literally run for my life and that of my children. I know that a lot of people (us included) have been hit by severe thunderstorms in the past. But not only was there something different about this one (supposedly it was NOT the typical severe storm that you see) and being out in it instead of inside your house? Well, let's just say that it probably ranks up there in pretty intensely scary situations to find yourself in. And it wasn't just me. My husband was scared. I knew he was thinking what I was. With all of the reports on the radio, with everything going totally bananas outside and with the hail and sideways winds that hit us, well, he also felt that we could be snatched up by something from the sky. Being frequently road travellers, we've been through several storms--hail, high winds, etc. One time we even were on the heals of a tornado that crossed the very highway we were travelling on! We've seen it all but nothing compared to this. And I hope nothing ever does.
The rest of our night was spent battening down the hatches for round two of the storms which were to hit around 1 AM. We worked to get the van into the garage (had to move some stuff) and talked about how to protect the other car in the driveway. They were telling everyone to use this little 'break' to prepare for the next line of storms which could produce even bigger hail and more damaging winds.
Long story short, the line came and had weakened some. Supposedly it had 50-60 mph winds but I didn't notice them. All was well. Thankfully.
All night long I've felt sick and drained. We ate a late supper but I could hardly touch it. We later heard that a funnel cloud was spotted right over the very hospital where I learned the devastating news about Jacob last fall, and not more than 2 minutes from where we were leaving the store tonight. The damage reports kept coming in. Sitings, hail sized up to softballs, smashed windshields, overturned trees. I would have turned the TV off (when it finally came back up) but I had to learn about the second round of storms so kept it on.
I can't tell you how thankful I am that we were okay. That we made it home without getting into an accident (many cars were racing to escape the storm), that we made it home without a tornado or straight line winds getting us, that the hail didn't break any windows and that our hail was "only" marble to golf-ball size. Only.
I know I called out to God when we were in our final stretch home--after leaving what little safety the tree provided during the hale storm. I don't remember what I said, but I know I needed Him to be with us right then. And He was. I am so very, very thankful. Thank you, Lord for keeping my little family safe this night.
For all that I can remember, I've never before heard so many dangerous weather terms in one evening--hale core, tornadic core, rain-wrapped rotation, updrafts, downdrafts, hail up to softball size, etc. With all of the tornadoes that hit in April and then those that hit this month, I kept imagining that this is probably what it was like for those poor people caught in the storms. They heard sirens, maybe. They only had moments to dash for cover. One couple in the last few weeks had just gotten into their van when a tornado hit them and spun their van around, doors blew open, stuff blew out. So many scary stories and so many awful and heartbreaking losses.
We didn't hear the typical train sound that a tornado makes. We didn't have our windows blow out and our ears pop with the pressure. We didn't feel our house move and shake as the storm tried to take it. I am so grateful that we didn't. But we did come close in many ways. We just didn't know what was out there. No one did. We knew what damage had just been done but that was it. For all we knew and felt and saw, at any moment what had happened to so many this violent spring season could have happened to us. But God knew all of this. He was with us through it all.
I hate fear. I hate that storms have to come at all. Sammy has asked me so many questions lately about God. About Heaven. About tornadoes. I know he's actually been really fascinated by tornadoes. He's our little science boy. But tonight they scared him. He told me that he didn't like tornadoes any more. His childlike wonder at such a powerful and amazing act of nature was finally smashed as the reality of what tornadoes really were hit home. It's been so difficult explaining to him why tornadoes come and why does God let these things happen. Sammy even asked me the other day why babies have to die. These are questions I hate that he has to ask and I pray that I find the right words to share with him. Just like so many parents, I wish I could just shelter he and Benny from all of the storms...from all of the fears in the world. I know I can't though, it's part of life. But, why do these storms have to come? Why do we have to go through them? To be stronger? To learn something? To not take our loved ones for granted? I don't know. Probably all of that and a million more reasons. Life. Sometimes that's the only answer. It's just life.
At this point, I feel totally drained. It's been a rough couple of weeks. We've been super busy, we just completed some fertility treatments and I've been very tired. I remember telling Alex just last night about how I was struggling with where to put my head and heart with these fertility treatments. To hope? To be realistic? I told him about "rainbow babies" and how they come after the storm. Funny how less than 24 hours after this conversation we find ourselves not in the midst of an 'emotional storm' (like when we lost Jacob) but in a real one.
Both storms are dangerous, scary and brought tears to my eyes. I know I tried to be strong both times. I know too that I had to cry when I needed to. For now, the weather-related storms have quieted down and we should have a relatively peaceful night to sleep. For me, the 'baby' storm threat still lies out there. If I do get pregnant, I know I'll be watching for the storm clouds looming in the distance and praying for a rainbow instead.
I hope all of you stay safe from these spring storms and any other situations that bring you darkness, fear and the unknown.
Here's to looking for our rainbows, my friends.
Kim
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
What a rollercoaster--in just a few days!
Wow. All I am feeling right now is gratitude! Gratitude that I can omit taking some medication! Curious? Read on!
Well, as you know I wrapped up last week in more of a joyous state than I thought I'd be in. Our birthday celebration for Jacob was last Wednesday. Easter was Sunday. Family, Christ's Resurrection, remembering my sweet baby in Heaven...good times!
In the midst of all of that, I had some more good news. I don't remember if I wrote about it in an earlier blog? My news? My period FINALLY started and ON IT'S OWN! My last period had been Feb. 23. The Clomid from that cycle screwed things up so I didn't have a March cycle. Tests confirmed I had a lining but wasn't pregnant (unfortunately) so they gave me Provera to get my cycles going again. Unfortunately we ran into all sorts of timing issues--my husband being out of town, me being out of town during the possible time when my period would start (you have to see the RE on a certain day for an baseline ultrasound before they give you Femara), etc. So, they allowed me to delay starting the medication until the end of my Easter trip when timing issues would be better. I felt so relaxed this past month!
Well, on April 21, the very day after Jacob's birthday celebration, I woke up to my period! I was so shocked and happy that I didn't have to try to force it. It came when it was ready. I don't know, maybe it would have come eventually anyway but my nurse told me at the top of the month that it more than likely wouldn't--without help, that is. For me, I'd like to think that that help was God. He is stronger than any medications and can make it start when He wants. That's what I'm going with!
One more thing--I thought it was such neat timing that my period started the day after Jacob's birthday. How strangely wonderful, don't you think? I celebrated the day that I would have held my precious baby and then the next day, finally, my period comes...almost as if to signify a new start. Again, I just marvel at the timing of some things!
So here I am, happy that I don't have to mess with any more medication than necessary. I call my RE on Friday to inform them that my period started and find out that I have to make it in no later than Monday for a baseline ultrasound prior to taking Femara. Mind you, Easter Sunday is a big day in our family. We go to church, have my grandma's big dinner, then visit my dad in the evening. Lots and lots of visiting! Originally, we hadn't planned on leaving my mom's until Monday afternoon to return home which would allow us Monday morning for last minute packing and loading.
I decided to go for it and so Alex & I committed to making the 11:45 AM ultrasound appointment Monday morning. After a nice Easter celebration with my family, I jumped into finishing packing and then loaded the van all night long in the rain. It was a bit on the miserable side. I had lots to pack still--toys, candy, movies the boys watch, Easter basket goodies, etc. And I had everything in the back of the van to load. Despite only having 3 hours of sleep the night before (Mrs. Easter Bunny was up late helping her mom frost cookies, prepping my boys baskets, stuffing eggs, etc.), I sacrificed sleep for a second night in a row in order to make this appointment. I sent Alex to bed at midnight because I knew he needed rest coming off of his Army school. I worked until 4 AM and slept less than 2 hours that night. That put me at a grand total of 5 hours for two days in a row.
We made it home after a 3.5 hour drive and right on time for my appointment. I kept thinking that these were all positive signs that God wanted us to give it a go...that I shouldn't just waste a cycle and not try to make the appointment.
Well, then that all crashed...kind of. The nurse found a cyst on one of my ovaries. That means that I can't do Femara this round. If a cyst is bigger than 15 mm, it means the Femara probably won't work. Apparently big cysts can send out hormones of their own which can interrupt with ovulation. Either you don't ovulate or you don't have a 'good one.'
Now for the potential good news, hence my 'kind of' at the beginning of the previous paragraph. I also have two follicles on the other ovary which appear to be at the right size for this time of the month. Woohoo! Maybe? The trouble is, these things aren't "date stamped" (that's how I like to think of it!) so we can't tell if they are new or old follicles. They could be follicles left over from my last cycle or they could be new ones. If they are new, then they are growing maybe happy little eggs in there which could be released in ovulation...provided the big cyst doesn't block it somehow. Confusing, huh?
The nurse threw a prescription for birth control pills at me saying that it would shrink the cyst and that I should come back in 3 weeks to check it and then begin Femara when my next period starts. She also mentioned that it was up to me, there is a chance the follicles could grow on their own, despite the big cyst, and yield good eggs. She reminded me of what appears to be a motto in their office, "Never say never." But, taking the pill would shut all of that down and prevent any chance of me getting pregnant this month.
UGH! I hate to make decisions, have I ever mentioned that??? I truly hate it. I'm pretty good at it--I can analyze things backwards and forwards, I can make pros and cons lists, I can argue anything really. But that doesn't mean I like to make decisions--especially decisions like this. The nurse said I had to make up my mind and start the pill no later than Tuesday. I stuffed my prescription into my purse and in my sleepy and disappointed stupor took the wrong elevator down and ended up in the hospital side instead of the physicians office side. Eventually I found my way to the right parking lot where Alex & the boys were waiting for me in the van (remember we had just drove in from my mom's).
After giving him my news, picking up our dog from the kennel and leaving a message for my OB to get her advice, we all laid down for a nap around 2. By this time, after only 5 hours of sleep in two days, and after getting news like that at the appointment that I worked so hard to make, I was beat, drained and just worn out.
Don't ask me how, but somehow I heard my phone vibrating about 2 hours later. It was my OB calling back. I flew out of bed, jumped over our sleeping pooches on the floor and ran to the kitchen to talk--all the while hoping I could clear my head enough to communicate with her.
I'm sure the doctor thought I was totally loopy or something--I was babbling at first and probably not making much sense. I was so tired and still felt half asleep. I couldn't wake myself up fast enough. I guess I made as much sense as I could and my OB seemed to at first lean towards me waiting out the cyst without medical intervention, but then she changed her mind and went with my specialist's/nurse's advice to take the pills. I thanked her and jumped back into bed for a few more minutes of snooze time while the rest of my family was still dozing.
Later that night, I got the mail that had piled up in our box while we were out of town for a week. Wouldn't you know, I received three different baby things in the mail? How ironic that they come on the day that I find out I can't start the Femara and that I have to pretty much go into a holding pattern again this month by taking the birth control pills--to prevent pregnany. I found a sample box of Enfamil, one of Similac and a flyer/letter from a local photographer which read, "Did you just have a baby? If so, congratulations!" Great timing, folks! I guess they all got my name and due date from something that I had signed up for last fall. I kind of cringed at the timing and trudged back up my driveway with the boxes and flyer weighing heavy in my hands.
I wondered what I should do. Should I take the pills? Was that the message God was sending me? Why is it so hard to know what He wants you to do? Does anyone else have this problem? Some times I feel so dense. It's SO HARD knowing what course of action to take. I'd like to think I was following the signs right--we made it just in time to make the appointment in order to "not waste any cycles" and to try Femara this round. But, then I find out I have a cyst. So, they throw 'shrinking meds' at me. Is that what I'm to do then? Or perhaps, trust that maybe things can work on their own with the 2 follicles that just might be working?
I discussed it with my hubby, my mom and even a friend through facebook chat. In the end, I made up my mind. Perhaps God was putting this medical intervention in my way for a reason. Maybe it's good that we made it to the appointment so we could do something now about the cyst instead of finding out later. I decided I'd fill the prescription on Tuesday and start taking it. I even talked with two friends at my Tuesday night dance class and they said that they had heard of women taking the pill, getting off of it and getting pregnant the very next month. I guess it looked still like that was the right decision for me.
So after a late night supper Tuesday, I read through the pamphlet they give you with every medication--the one that lists the side effects and all of the warnings that half the time make you want to flush every pill down the toilet rather than take it! Despite all of the warnings and precautions which made me a bit uncomfortable, I tried not to think any more about it and popped the tiny pill into my mouth. I was frustrated as I talked to Alex before he went to bed. I was just a bit down that we were 'on hold' again this month. What did this mean for a woman like me who is getting close to menopause? I just hoped we were doing the right thing.
Then the first symptoms started. Dizziness. Yuck. I hate dizziness. I went back and re-read the pamphlet. Two things caught my attention which I might have overlooked before. The first was this: "Women over 35 are at a greater risk for heart problems." What did that mean? What was the greater risk? From 1% to 3%? Or were we talking about something like 50% risk?? Yikes. Then, I read the part about irregular heart beats. I have never been diagnosed with or treated for this, but I think at least once in my past I thought I detected something like that. When I asked my doctor about it, he told me not to worry about it unless I had certain other symptoms in addition to the beats, etc. So, was this something that could be exacerbated by the pill? And then I developed a stomachache Wednesday morning that lasted all day--ah yes, nausea was listed as another fun side effect of the pill.
I decided I'd call my nurse/RE back on Wednesday to pick their brain some more. I'm sure these nurses must just love me and all of my questions. A different nurse from the one I saw on Monday returned my call. Without really addressing my 'heart concerns' initially, she starts talking about how my cyst really wasn't that big...and not big enough to truly warrant taking the pill. She told me that it's only 23 mm and I need it to only shrink 9 mm in order to be able to take Femara. She also said that the other RE in the office doesn't even prescribe the pill for women with bigger cysts. He doesn't believe that there is enough proof in the research that shows that the pill really does work in this case. My RE apparently does, so he gives the medication.
Wow! Talk about a change of events! Bottom line--my nurse told me to stop taking the pill. She said if it was making me uncomfortable, it wasn't worth it, especially with the facts that she mentioned about the differing doctor opinions and my cyst being smaller. I was so grateful for her call. I can't tell you how good I feel about not having to take any more medication than really necessary!!
So, here I am. No more pills. Back to trying on our own this month. It's kind of like what would have happened had we not made Monday's appointment. So, did I sacrifice sleep and rush around like a crazy woman for nothing? I don't know. Should I really be taking that medication in order to try everything possible to shrink the cyst? Should I trust that it wouldn't do me any harm? Or should I go with what the nurse told me today...that is, to stop taking it and see how things go on their own this month? I tell you, I wish I knew exactly what message God was sending me. I guess all I can walk away with is this--yes, He helped us get back here just in time for Monday's appointment. Yes, I have a cyst that is preventing me from taking Femara. Yes, I was given the chance to take the pill to try to shrink it. But, it just didn't feel right to me. I didn't like the potential risks, no matter how small they are. So, with the nurse's advice today, I'd like to think that God is telling to just trust Him in this whole process. Maybe something good will happen this month and those 2 follicles will grow and release an egg. Maybe that's the part He wanted me to see..to get from my ultrasound. Trust Him. There are follicles in there and that's a good thing. That's what I'm going with.
What a roller coaster, huh? I still find myself a little scared that this cyst will grow and not shrink. I really hope it doesn't grow!! I have dance performances for the next 5 weekends straight and a painful cyst like the one I had in February would be pretty bad timing. I just keep telling myself that it will be alright--it's not as big as my other one and according to today's nurse, "Not that big at all, really." So maybe it's not that big to really cause a problem with my ovulation this month.
On the baby front, we're back to our own game now. At least we have a shot unlike if I'd be taking the pill this month and not having any chance of getting pregnant. So, who knows.
Are you dizzy yet? :) Normally, I love roller coasters. They are my favorite ride at the amusement park. This one, however, has been a little chaotic. Every time I tried to wrap my head around something, something else would change and make everything around it change...including what I thought about it--I can't make it back in time, I can make it back in time, can we make it back?, I'm so tired, I made it!, I have 2 follicles!, oh no, I have a cyst, I have to take meds, maybe I don't, okay I will, eh, I'm not so sure about it, now I don't, hooray I still have a chance this month!, man, I hope this is the right decision! WHEW! That's just a sneak peek into my brain in the last 5-6 days.
How do you listen to what God is telling you? What about when things get confusing or appear to be contradictory? Do you go with what feels right? Do you trust authority figures (i.e. medical professionals, etc.)? Do you look for signs? I'd really love to hear what you do or what helps you. Like I said before, it's always been an area in my life where I hope to improve and to better hear God and to understand what I'm to do.
And so I'm off...I'm on my own this month. Maybe my month off last month coupled with my sweet Baby Jacob's birthday celebration will have some positive impact on things. Maybe there's a happy little egg in there just waiting for Mommy to give him/her a "heart" sign like we love to do! Wouldn't that be the best part of this roller coaster journey?? :)
Until next time, I'm buckling up and going for a ride!
Kim :)
Well, as you know I wrapped up last week in more of a joyous state than I thought I'd be in. Our birthday celebration for Jacob was last Wednesday. Easter was Sunday. Family, Christ's Resurrection, remembering my sweet baby in Heaven...good times!
In the midst of all of that, I had some more good news. I don't remember if I wrote about it in an earlier blog? My news? My period FINALLY started and ON IT'S OWN! My last period had been Feb. 23. The Clomid from that cycle screwed things up so I didn't have a March cycle. Tests confirmed I had a lining but wasn't pregnant (unfortunately) so they gave me Provera to get my cycles going again. Unfortunately we ran into all sorts of timing issues--my husband being out of town, me being out of town during the possible time when my period would start (you have to see the RE on a certain day for an baseline ultrasound before they give you Femara), etc. So, they allowed me to delay starting the medication until the end of my Easter trip when timing issues would be better. I felt so relaxed this past month!
Well, on April 21, the very day after Jacob's birthday celebration, I woke up to my period! I was so shocked and happy that I didn't have to try to force it. It came when it was ready. I don't know, maybe it would have come eventually anyway but my nurse told me at the top of the month that it more than likely wouldn't--without help, that is. For me, I'd like to think that that help was God. He is stronger than any medications and can make it start when He wants. That's what I'm going with!
One more thing--I thought it was such neat timing that my period started the day after Jacob's birthday. How strangely wonderful, don't you think? I celebrated the day that I would have held my precious baby and then the next day, finally, my period comes...almost as if to signify a new start. Again, I just marvel at the timing of some things!
So here I am, happy that I don't have to mess with any more medication than necessary. I call my RE on Friday to inform them that my period started and find out that I have to make it in no later than Monday for a baseline ultrasound prior to taking Femara. Mind you, Easter Sunday is a big day in our family. We go to church, have my grandma's big dinner, then visit my dad in the evening. Lots and lots of visiting! Originally, we hadn't planned on leaving my mom's until Monday afternoon to return home which would allow us Monday morning for last minute packing and loading.
I decided to go for it and so Alex & I committed to making the 11:45 AM ultrasound appointment Monday morning. After a nice Easter celebration with my family, I jumped into finishing packing and then loaded the van all night long in the rain. It was a bit on the miserable side. I had lots to pack still--toys, candy, movies the boys watch, Easter basket goodies, etc. And I had everything in the back of the van to load. Despite only having 3 hours of sleep the night before (Mrs. Easter Bunny was up late helping her mom frost cookies, prepping my boys baskets, stuffing eggs, etc.), I sacrificed sleep for a second night in a row in order to make this appointment. I sent Alex to bed at midnight because I knew he needed rest coming off of his Army school. I worked until 4 AM and slept less than 2 hours that night. That put me at a grand total of 5 hours for two days in a row.
We made it home after a 3.5 hour drive and right on time for my appointment. I kept thinking that these were all positive signs that God wanted us to give it a go...that I shouldn't just waste a cycle and not try to make the appointment.
Well, then that all crashed...kind of. The nurse found a cyst on one of my ovaries. That means that I can't do Femara this round. If a cyst is bigger than 15 mm, it means the Femara probably won't work. Apparently big cysts can send out hormones of their own which can interrupt with ovulation. Either you don't ovulate or you don't have a 'good one.'
Now for the potential good news, hence my 'kind of' at the beginning of the previous paragraph. I also have two follicles on the other ovary which appear to be at the right size for this time of the month. Woohoo! Maybe? The trouble is, these things aren't "date stamped" (that's how I like to think of it!) so we can't tell if they are new or old follicles. They could be follicles left over from my last cycle or they could be new ones. If they are new, then they are growing maybe happy little eggs in there which could be released in ovulation...provided the big cyst doesn't block it somehow. Confusing, huh?
The nurse threw a prescription for birth control pills at me saying that it would shrink the cyst and that I should come back in 3 weeks to check it and then begin Femara when my next period starts. She also mentioned that it was up to me, there is a chance the follicles could grow on their own, despite the big cyst, and yield good eggs. She reminded me of what appears to be a motto in their office, "Never say never." But, taking the pill would shut all of that down and prevent any chance of me getting pregnant this month.
UGH! I hate to make decisions, have I ever mentioned that??? I truly hate it. I'm pretty good at it--I can analyze things backwards and forwards, I can make pros and cons lists, I can argue anything really. But that doesn't mean I like to make decisions--especially decisions like this. The nurse said I had to make up my mind and start the pill no later than Tuesday. I stuffed my prescription into my purse and in my sleepy and disappointed stupor took the wrong elevator down and ended up in the hospital side instead of the physicians office side. Eventually I found my way to the right parking lot where Alex & the boys were waiting for me in the van (remember we had just drove in from my mom's).
After giving him my news, picking up our dog from the kennel and leaving a message for my OB to get her advice, we all laid down for a nap around 2. By this time, after only 5 hours of sleep in two days, and after getting news like that at the appointment that I worked so hard to make, I was beat, drained and just worn out.
Don't ask me how, but somehow I heard my phone vibrating about 2 hours later. It was my OB calling back. I flew out of bed, jumped over our sleeping pooches on the floor and ran to the kitchen to talk--all the while hoping I could clear my head enough to communicate with her.
I'm sure the doctor thought I was totally loopy or something--I was babbling at first and probably not making much sense. I was so tired and still felt half asleep. I couldn't wake myself up fast enough. I guess I made as much sense as I could and my OB seemed to at first lean towards me waiting out the cyst without medical intervention, but then she changed her mind and went with my specialist's/nurse's advice to take the pills. I thanked her and jumped back into bed for a few more minutes of snooze time while the rest of my family was still dozing.
Later that night, I got the mail that had piled up in our box while we were out of town for a week. Wouldn't you know, I received three different baby things in the mail? How ironic that they come on the day that I find out I can't start the Femara and that I have to pretty much go into a holding pattern again this month by taking the birth control pills--to prevent pregnany. I found a sample box of Enfamil, one of Similac and a flyer/letter from a local photographer which read, "Did you just have a baby? If so, congratulations!" Great timing, folks! I guess they all got my name and due date from something that I had signed up for last fall. I kind of cringed at the timing and trudged back up my driveway with the boxes and flyer weighing heavy in my hands.
I wondered what I should do. Should I take the pills? Was that the message God was sending me? Why is it so hard to know what He wants you to do? Does anyone else have this problem? Some times I feel so dense. It's SO HARD knowing what course of action to take. I'd like to think I was following the signs right--we made it just in time to make the appointment in order to "not waste any cycles" and to try Femara this round. But, then I find out I have a cyst. So, they throw 'shrinking meds' at me. Is that what I'm to do then? Or perhaps, trust that maybe things can work on their own with the 2 follicles that just might be working?
I discussed it with my hubby, my mom and even a friend through facebook chat. In the end, I made up my mind. Perhaps God was putting this medical intervention in my way for a reason. Maybe it's good that we made it to the appointment so we could do something now about the cyst instead of finding out later. I decided I'd fill the prescription on Tuesday and start taking it. I even talked with two friends at my Tuesday night dance class and they said that they had heard of women taking the pill, getting off of it and getting pregnant the very next month. I guess it looked still like that was the right decision for me.
So after a late night supper Tuesday, I read through the pamphlet they give you with every medication--the one that lists the side effects and all of the warnings that half the time make you want to flush every pill down the toilet rather than take it! Despite all of the warnings and precautions which made me a bit uncomfortable, I tried not to think any more about it and popped the tiny pill into my mouth. I was frustrated as I talked to Alex before he went to bed. I was just a bit down that we were 'on hold' again this month. What did this mean for a woman like me who is getting close to menopause? I just hoped we were doing the right thing.
Then the first symptoms started. Dizziness. Yuck. I hate dizziness. I went back and re-read the pamphlet. Two things caught my attention which I might have overlooked before. The first was this: "Women over 35 are at a greater risk for heart problems." What did that mean? What was the greater risk? From 1% to 3%? Or were we talking about something like 50% risk?? Yikes. Then, I read the part about irregular heart beats. I have never been diagnosed with or treated for this, but I think at least once in my past I thought I detected something like that. When I asked my doctor about it, he told me not to worry about it unless I had certain other symptoms in addition to the beats, etc. So, was this something that could be exacerbated by the pill? And then I developed a stomachache Wednesday morning that lasted all day--ah yes, nausea was listed as another fun side effect of the pill.
I decided I'd call my nurse/RE back on Wednesday to pick their brain some more. I'm sure these nurses must just love me and all of my questions. A different nurse from the one I saw on Monday returned my call. Without really addressing my 'heart concerns' initially, she starts talking about how my cyst really wasn't that big...and not big enough to truly warrant taking the pill. She told me that it's only 23 mm and I need it to only shrink 9 mm in order to be able to take Femara. She also said that the other RE in the office doesn't even prescribe the pill for women with bigger cysts. He doesn't believe that there is enough proof in the research that shows that the pill really does work in this case. My RE apparently does, so he gives the medication.
Wow! Talk about a change of events! Bottom line--my nurse told me to stop taking the pill. She said if it was making me uncomfortable, it wasn't worth it, especially with the facts that she mentioned about the differing doctor opinions and my cyst being smaller. I was so grateful for her call. I can't tell you how good I feel about not having to take any more medication than really necessary!!
So, here I am. No more pills. Back to trying on our own this month. It's kind of like what would have happened had we not made Monday's appointment. So, did I sacrifice sleep and rush around like a crazy woman for nothing? I don't know. Should I really be taking that medication in order to try everything possible to shrink the cyst? Should I trust that it wouldn't do me any harm? Or should I go with what the nurse told me today...that is, to stop taking it and see how things go on their own this month? I tell you, I wish I knew exactly what message God was sending me. I guess all I can walk away with is this--yes, He helped us get back here just in time for Monday's appointment. Yes, I have a cyst that is preventing me from taking Femara. Yes, I was given the chance to take the pill to try to shrink it. But, it just didn't feel right to me. I didn't like the potential risks, no matter how small they are. So, with the nurse's advice today, I'd like to think that God is telling to just trust Him in this whole process. Maybe something good will happen this month and those 2 follicles will grow and release an egg. Maybe that's the part He wanted me to see..to get from my ultrasound. Trust Him. There are follicles in there and that's a good thing. That's what I'm going with.
What a roller coaster, huh? I still find myself a little scared that this cyst will grow and not shrink. I really hope it doesn't grow!! I have dance performances for the next 5 weekends straight and a painful cyst like the one I had in February would be pretty bad timing. I just keep telling myself that it will be alright--it's not as big as my other one and according to today's nurse, "Not that big at all, really." So maybe it's not that big to really cause a problem with my ovulation this month.
On the baby front, we're back to our own game now. At least we have a shot unlike if I'd be taking the pill this month and not having any chance of getting pregnant. So, who knows.
Are you dizzy yet? :) Normally, I love roller coasters. They are my favorite ride at the amusement park. This one, however, has been a little chaotic. Every time I tried to wrap my head around something, something else would change and make everything around it change...including what I thought about it--I can't make it back in time, I can make it back in time, can we make it back?, I'm so tired, I made it!, I have 2 follicles!, oh no, I have a cyst, I have to take meds, maybe I don't, okay I will, eh, I'm not so sure about it, now I don't, hooray I still have a chance this month!, man, I hope this is the right decision! WHEW! That's just a sneak peek into my brain in the last 5-6 days.
How do you listen to what God is telling you? What about when things get confusing or appear to be contradictory? Do you go with what feels right? Do you trust authority figures (i.e. medical professionals, etc.)? Do you look for signs? I'd really love to hear what you do or what helps you. Like I said before, it's always been an area in my life where I hope to improve and to better hear God and to understand what I'm to do.
And so I'm off...I'm on my own this month. Maybe my month off last month coupled with my sweet Baby Jacob's birthday celebration will have some positive impact on things. Maybe there's a happy little egg in there just waiting for Mommy to give him/her a "heart" sign like we love to do! Wouldn't that be the best part of this roller coaster journey?? :)
Until next time, I'm buckling up and going for a ride!
Kim :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Empty Arms, Full Heart...Happy Birthday Jacob! Part 2
I can't believe Jacob's birthday is over. There were parts of yesterday where I felt like I was saying goodbye...like I had reached the end of my journey. But then, there were parts of yesterday where I was able to truly understand why I was feeling the way I was and to make sense of it. Here's a bit of how I spent what would have been Jacob's birthday...and what led up to our very special day.
Without going into a lot and bogging down this post, let's just say that I've been on a bit of a break fertility-wise this past month. If you've been following my posts, you probably read awhile back that Clomid didn't work for me and resulted in my period getting all goofy. It didn't start when it should have. Due to several issues with timing, my RE agreed to me delaying starting Provera until today or tomorrow. I was sad at first to miss out on an opportunity to try to conceive...but then as the month of April progressed, it didn't take long for me to relax and just enjoy my time with my boys and especially thinking about how different this month would have been had I still been pregnant with Jacob.
Gone were my late nights where I researched fertility issues on the Internet...they were replaced instead by watching YouTube videos of miscarriages, stillbirths and infants lost. While I cried at every one and felt the pain of every mother and father who lost a precious baby, I also felt strengthened by the strength that these parents showed. What they went through was so heartbreaking and yet their stories revealed the beauty and love that got them through. You could feel it and see it.
But it wasn't just videos that I watched, I also read blogs of other moms who have lost babies. Every word has touched me...every story is a treasure just like each mommy's baby angel is a treasure in Heaven. I feel like I've entered a whole new world that I never knew existed. I am so amazed at the strength and love that is in this world of immense loss and pain. I'll write more about this in another post.
So, I've spent the month kind of getting ready for Jacob's due date, if you will. In addition to all of my normal life tasks, projects, meetings, practices, etc. I still found time to think about my baby and to grieve for him. One thing that helped was my participation in an online auction for Sufficient Grace Ministries sponsored by Caring for Carleigh. A new friend of mine organized this auction in memory of her precious baby girl who went to Heaven two years ago. I am so grateful for my friend's vision and dedication to the auction. Not only did she raise a substantial amount for the charity, but she also provided us with beautiful items to bid on--many of which were baby loss items. I'd only peeked at these types of things before, at times it was just too painful. But now, the timing felt right. I bid on and won a few things to help me honor the memory of my beautiful son. I am so thankful, again, that this auction was scheduled during this month. It couldn't have come at a better time!
As the days in April raced by, I felt my apprehension growing. I knew I needed to determine what date Jacob would have been born. In part one of this post, you read how I finally settled on a date, April 20, 2011. So with the date set, now I faced the difficult task of deciding what exactly to do on that date.
I didn't want to get myself all bogged down in trying to plan the "right things". I've never done anything like this before. Birthday parties for my boys, my husband and even my mom have all been celebrations of life--they've had cute themes, yummy food and thoughtful and fun gifts. How does a mother plan something on the day that her baby would have been born? What does she plan? Is it a memorial or a celebration? Do you have cake? A special dinner? How do I plan something for my baby whom we never even held...or saw in person?
He was real. He was here and he was loved. He still is loved. That's all I know and that's what guided my plans for his due date.
I knew that this day had to be a celebration of sorts. I wanted it to be a day where I would think of my son, where I would think about what could have been and where I could acknowledge that joy that was bursting in my heart when thinking about him and what was to be his due date. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town on military business so I had to just plan what do on my own. Luckily though, again I am amazed at God's timing, we are spending this week prior to Easter at my mom's. So it was mom and I who planned what to do for Jacob's special day.
I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that. All I can tell you is that it felt right. It truly felt right to plan things that we could do to acknowledge that my little bundle of love was here...even though it was for only 13 weeks, he was inside of me. He kicked, he punched, he twisted, his little mouth opened and closed. How MUCH I loved watching him on the ultrasound! I still smile as I remember his antics that day. My little sweetheart showed mommy that he was here. He WAS here.
We ran around town on Tuesday picking up fresh flowers, a flower to plant, balloons and a couple other sweet baby things to decorate with--baby ribbon, etc. I finally framed one of Jacob's ultrasound pictures. It's a close-up of Jacob's face and shows his hands, belly and feet. It's one of the best pictures that I have of him. It felt sooooo good to finally put my baby in a frame. I picked a light blue border and added, "Sweet Baby of Mine" with matching green baby footprints below the picture. My baby...my sweet little baby. How much I love him.
So the day finally arrived. Yesterday I awoke feeling anxious. I know my head hung a bit lower and my face didn't wear many smiles at first. I think that it was the overwhelming feelings. How should I be feeling? Should I be counting down the hours? Sitting and reflecting and crying all day? Isn't it strange how so often we wonder what is "normal" and what we should or should not be doing, how we should be feeling. Through this journey, I've totally come to learn and believe that this is no 'norm'. I simply do what feels right. And you know what? I think it is right. It works. And for a planner like me, that's saying a lot! I'd like to think yet another thing that I've learned throughout this journey is something valuable that God's trying to get through my thick head--it's not about me. It's all about His timing, His plan. Simply letting my heart lead me throughout this process is enabling me to follow more of what I think God wants me to do.
Back to my day...you may find this silly but I decided to shower. And do my hair. And do my makeup. I wondered if my family would think it was strange seeing me putting on lipstick and curling my hair. We weren't going anywhere. The wind was tearing through the yard like it was late for something important. It was cold, gray, wet and miserable. Did I mention how awful it was outside? It was totally gloomy and reminded me of the day of my D&C when it was stormy and when a tornado warning delayed my surgery. How appropriate.
And yet, I wanted to look nice. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to make the day more than just Mommy running around with day-old hair. I wanted to feel special too.
We finally went outside early yesterday evening. I held our four balloons tightly. My sweet Mom even stopped on her way home to buy another balloon to replace one that had lost helium over night. Mom, Sammy, Benny & I tromped out into the fierce wind and the balloons whipped in my hands. I kept hoping that they wouldn't blow away before we could launch them!
While we trudged through the muddy, wet grass out to the pasture, I heard Chico, my mom's donkey braying at us from the barn. His bellowing "Hee Haw" brought a smile to my face. So did the screaming of Benny! He wasn't crying but he was kind of freaking out at the weather. My little Benny does NOT like high winds...or rain...or storms. It was one of those days where you are just trying not to get blown away, seriously.
We found our spot in the pasture, right next to what I call, "The Grandpa Tree." A lone tree sits on a hill in the pasture next to the barn. That's the tree where some of my grandpa's ashes were scattered several years ago. How fitting that we picked that spot to let our balloons go. My D&C was on my Grandpa's birthday. I've always felt that he and my son have a special connection up in Heaven.
We lined up--Mom, Benny huddled close to her leg, Sammy and me. Here was the moment. I felt my eyes start to flood. I just didn't want to let my balloon go. I passed out the balloons and wondered what I should do next. Why did my sweet little baby leave us? Why couldn't these balloons be gracing my hospital room instead of fighting the chilly wind and gray depressing skies? I felt like letting my balloon go was almost like letting Jacob go. I didn't want to let go of my balloon.
Originally I had wanted to read a poem, read a letter to my son...but none of these things were with me. My letter was half-written and the beautiful poem I had found online was scribbled on the back of an envelope. My boys wouldn't have listened much and the papers probably would have blown away so I guess it's okay that I didn't do either of those things. Instead, I turned to Sammy and asked him to say something to Baby Jacob before we let out balloons go. My precious Sammy touched me with these words, "Baby Jacob, Mommy loves you very much. This balloon is for you in Heaven. We love you. Amen." Benny chimed in, "I love you, Baby Jacob." And then my mom's, "Grandma loves you, Baby Jacob!" rang out. The boys were getting ancy as each wind gust tried to steal our balloons. I kissed my blue star balloon and saw my face in the reflection. How I wish I could have seen Jacob's face...mommy's little star. I looked at the message I had attached to the ribbon. I looked back at my balloon and thought of how special the star shape was. The Christmas Story that I had written this past December that won in 4 different contests across the US and Canada was called, "Jacob's Star." In the story, the star was hope. I looked at the star balloon in my hands and I said simply, "Mommy loves you so very much, Jacob." And then I counted down and we finally let our balloons be taken by the wind.
We stood in our little arc and watched the balloons go. Mom's unfortunately seemed to veer towards the woods a bit...she graciously took one of the balloons that we bought for the boys to keep and enjoy since it was starting to lose air. But our three...mine, Sammy's and Benny's...stuck together and soared high into the sky. We watched until we counted only two...and then just one lone blue star heading higher and higher into the sky.
Sammy had asked why we were letting the balloons go. I kept it simple and said that we were sending them to Baby Jacob in Heaven. He asked if they might make it. We said, "Anything is possible, Sammy. Baby Jacob will know we sent these balloons to him and he'll love them!"
As we shivered in the cold, Mom told the boys that the balloons were heading towards the pretty clouds. The bottoms of the clouds were dark and gloomy but up above all of that yuck was something pretty, white, fluffy and blue. I thought about that. It was gloomy, yes. It's been sad, yes. I felt like I had to say goodbye to my son. But as these thoughts circled in my head I realized that now I'm free to go where my baby's balloon went--up above the grey, the depressing and the gloomy. It's time to move into the blue skies. Reaching this day and acknowledging what might have been was necessary. Letting that balloon go, I just can't say it enough...it felt right to send it to my baby with my love. It just felt so right.
We made our heart picture, which I hope to post here in the next day or so. We then sent our hearts to Jacob and tromped to a spot where my mom is starting a memorial garden for him. She and the boys dug a hole and planted the flower we picked the day prior--it's a "Tiny Ghost" Asiatic Lilly and is crimson red. I picked it because red is the color of hearts--what I've often said is our family's theme. :) Mom put an angel statue down and we wrapped up our frigid outdoor celebration with our fingers starting to get sore from the cold. The boys raced up the ramp to the house and I paused again as my eyes caught the "Hope" plaque in the planter that I wrote about earlier. Hope. Yes, hope is definitely up in the blue skies.
When we came back in the house, I felt lighter somehow. I still felt sad, but lighter. Like acknowledging Jacob in that way was what I needed. What we all needed. My arms may have been empty yesterday--there was no sweet little newborn snuggling into Mommy's arms--but my heart was full. Oh, it was so full of love, of joy, of sorrow...yet a peaceful sorrow. It was just so full of love.
Happy Birthday to my loving Jacob!!! I hope you liked what we did for you this year. While I wish I could have held you yesterday, I knew you had the best birthday party in Heaven. You are healed. You are perfect, my little one. No more Trisomy 13--nothing to hurt you in any way. You are loved in Heaven and here are Earth. Jacob, Momma loves you so very much. You are my son, my joy and always will be. I love you Jacob!!!!! We all love you so very much!
So...if you happen to see a blue star-shaped balloon floating around somewhere, let me know. :) I'm sure our star balloons have gone off on their own journey now--and such a special journey it is. My journey isn't over...yesterday was just another milestone along the way.
Here's to all of our journeys, my friends...may yours be full of stars and hearts. :)
Kim :)
Without going into a lot and bogging down this post, let's just say that I've been on a bit of a break fertility-wise this past month. If you've been following my posts, you probably read awhile back that Clomid didn't work for me and resulted in my period getting all goofy. It didn't start when it should have. Due to several issues with timing, my RE agreed to me delaying starting Provera until today or tomorrow. I was sad at first to miss out on an opportunity to try to conceive...but then as the month of April progressed, it didn't take long for me to relax and just enjoy my time with my boys and especially thinking about how different this month would have been had I still been pregnant with Jacob.
Gone were my late nights where I researched fertility issues on the Internet...they were replaced instead by watching YouTube videos of miscarriages, stillbirths and infants lost. While I cried at every one and felt the pain of every mother and father who lost a precious baby, I also felt strengthened by the strength that these parents showed. What they went through was so heartbreaking and yet their stories revealed the beauty and love that got them through. You could feel it and see it.
But it wasn't just videos that I watched, I also read blogs of other moms who have lost babies. Every word has touched me...every story is a treasure just like each mommy's baby angel is a treasure in Heaven. I feel like I've entered a whole new world that I never knew existed. I am so amazed at the strength and love that is in this world of immense loss and pain. I'll write more about this in another post.
So, I've spent the month kind of getting ready for Jacob's due date, if you will. In addition to all of my normal life tasks, projects, meetings, practices, etc. I still found time to think about my baby and to grieve for him. One thing that helped was my participation in an online auction for Sufficient Grace Ministries sponsored by Caring for Carleigh. A new friend of mine organized this auction in memory of her precious baby girl who went to Heaven two years ago. I am so grateful for my friend's vision and dedication to the auction. Not only did she raise a substantial amount for the charity, but she also provided us with beautiful items to bid on--many of which were baby loss items. I'd only peeked at these types of things before, at times it was just too painful. But now, the timing felt right. I bid on and won a few things to help me honor the memory of my beautiful son. I am so thankful, again, that this auction was scheduled during this month. It couldn't have come at a better time!
As the days in April raced by, I felt my apprehension growing. I knew I needed to determine what date Jacob would have been born. In part one of this post, you read how I finally settled on a date, April 20, 2011. So with the date set, now I faced the difficult task of deciding what exactly to do on that date.
I didn't want to get myself all bogged down in trying to plan the "right things". I've never done anything like this before. Birthday parties for my boys, my husband and even my mom have all been celebrations of life--they've had cute themes, yummy food and thoughtful and fun gifts. How does a mother plan something on the day that her baby would have been born? What does she plan? Is it a memorial or a celebration? Do you have cake? A special dinner? How do I plan something for my baby whom we never even held...or saw in person?
He was real. He was here and he was loved. He still is loved. That's all I know and that's what guided my plans for his due date.
I knew that this day had to be a celebration of sorts. I wanted it to be a day where I would think of my son, where I would think about what could have been and where I could acknowledge that joy that was bursting in my heart when thinking about him and what was to be his due date. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town on military business so I had to just plan what do on my own. Luckily though, again I am amazed at God's timing, we are spending this week prior to Easter at my mom's. So it was mom and I who planned what to do for Jacob's special day.
I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that. All I can tell you is that it felt right. It truly felt right to plan things that we could do to acknowledge that my little bundle of love was here...even though it was for only 13 weeks, he was inside of me. He kicked, he punched, he twisted, his little mouth opened and closed. How MUCH I loved watching him on the ultrasound! I still smile as I remember his antics that day. My little sweetheart showed mommy that he was here. He WAS here.
We ran around town on Tuesday picking up fresh flowers, a flower to plant, balloons and a couple other sweet baby things to decorate with--baby ribbon, etc. I finally framed one of Jacob's ultrasound pictures. It's a close-up of Jacob's face and shows his hands, belly and feet. It's one of the best pictures that I have of him. It felt sooooo good to finally put my baby in a frame. I picked a light blue border and added, "Sweet Baby of Mine" with matching green baby footprints below the picture. My baby...my sweet little baby. How much I love him.
So the day finally arrived. Yesterday I awoke feeling anxious. I know my head hung a bit lower and my face didn't wear many smiles at first. I think that it was the overwhelming feelings. How should I be feeling? Should I be counting down the hours? Sitting and reflecting and crying all day? Isn't it strange how so often we wonder what is "normal" and what we should or should not be doing, how we should be feeling. Through this journey, I've totally come to learn and believe that this is no 'norm'. I simply do what feels right. And you know what? I think it is right. It works. And for a planner like me, that's saying a lot! I'd like to think yet another thing that I've learned throughout this journey is something valuable that God's trying to get through my thick head--it's not about me. It's all about His timing, His plan. Simply letting my heart lead me throughout this process is enabling me to follow more of what I think God wants me to do.
Back to my day...you may find this silly but I decided to shower. And do my hair. And do my makeup. I wondered if my family would think it was strange seeing me putting on lipstick and curling my hair. We weren't going anywhere. The wind was tearing through the yard like it was late for something important. It was cold, gray, wet and miserable. Did I mention how awful it was outside? It was totally gloomy and reminded me of the day of my D&C when it was stormy and when a tornado warning delayed my surgery. How appropriate.
And yet, I wanted to look nice. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to make the day more than just Mommy running around with day-old hair. I wanted to feel special too.
We finally went outside early yesterday evening. I held our four balloons tightly. My sweet Mom even stopped on her way home to buy another balloon to replace one that had lost helium over night. Mom, Sammy, Benny & I tromped out into the fierce wind and the balloons whipped in my hands. I kept hoping that they wouldn't blow away before we could launch them!
While we trudged through the muddy, wet grass out to the pasture, I heard Chico, my mom's donkey braying at us from the barn. His bellowing "Hee Haw" brought a smile to my face. So did the screaming of Benny! He wasn't crying but he was kind of freaking out at the weather. My little Benny does NOT like high winds...or rain...or storms. It was one of those days where you are just trying not to get blown away, seriously.
We found our spot in the pasture, right next to what I call, "The Grandpa Tree." A lone tree sits on a hill in the pasture next to the barn. That's the tree where some of my grandpa's ashes were scattered several years ago. How fitting that we picked that spot to let our balloons go. My D&C was on my Grandpa's birthday. I've always felt that he and my son have a special connection up in Heaven.
We lined up--Mom, Benny huddled close to her leg, Sammy and me. Here was the moment. I felt my eyes start to flood. I just didn't want to let my balloon go. I passed out the balloons and wondered what I should do next. Why did my sweet little baby leave us? Why couldn't these balloons be gracing my hospital room instead of fighting the chilly wind and gray depressing skies? I felt like letting my balloon go was almost like letting Jacob go. I didn't want to let go of my balloon.
Originally I had wanted to read a poem, read a letter to my son...but none of these things were with me. My letter was half-written and the beautiful poem I had found online was scribbled on the back of an envelope. My boys wouldn't have listened much and the papers probably would have blown away so I guess it's okay that I didn't do either of those things. Instead, I turned to Sammy and asked him to say something to Baby Jacob before we let out balloons go. My precious Sammy touched me with these words, "Baby Jacob, Mommy loves you very much. This balloon is for you in Heaven. We love you. Amen." Benny chimed in, "I love you, Baby Jacob." And then my mom's, "Grandma loves you, Baby Jacob!" rang out. The boys were getting ancy as each wind gust tried to steal our balloons. I kissed my blue star balloon and saw my face in the reflection. How I wish I could have seen Jacob's face...mommy's little star. I looked at the message I had attached to the ribbon. I looked back at my balloon and thought of how special the star shape was. The Christmas Story that I had written this past December that won in 4 different contests across the US and Canada was called, "Jacob's Star." In the story, the star was hope. I looked at the star balloon in my hands and I said simply, "Mommy loves you so very much, Jacob." And then I counted down and we finally let our balloons be taken by the wind.
We stood in our little arc and watched the balloons go. Mom's unfortunately seemed to veer towards the woods a bit...she graciously took one of the balloons that we bought for the boys to keep and enjoy since it was starting to lose air. But our three...mine, Sammy's and Benny's...stuck together and soared high into the sky. We watched until we counted only two...and then just one lone blue star heading higher and higher into the sky.
Sammy had asked why we were letting the balloons go. I kept it simple and said that we were sending them to Baby Jacob in Heaven. He asked if they might make it. We said, "Anything is possible, Sammy. Baby Jacob will know we sent these balloons to him and he'll love them!"
As we shivered in the cold, Mom told the boys that the balloons were heading towards the pretty clouds. The bottoms of the clouds were dark and gloomy but up above all of that yuck was something pretty, white, fluffy and blue. I thought about that. It was gloomy, yes. It's been sad, yes. I felt like I had to say goodbye to my son. But as these thoughts circled in my head I realized that now I'm free to go where my baby's balloon went--up above the grey, the depressing and the gloomy. It's time to move into the blue skies. Reaching this day and acknowledging what might have been was necessary. Letting that balloon go, I just can't say it enough...it felt right to send it to my baby with my love. It just felt so right.
We made our heart picture, which I hope to post here in the next day or so. We then sent our hearts to Jacob and tromped to a spot where my mom is starting a memorial garden for him. She and the boys dug a hole and planted the flower we picked the day prior--it's a "Tiny Ghost" Asiatic Lilly and is crimson red. I picked it because red is the color of hearts--what I've often said is our family's theme. :) Mom put an angel statue down and we wrapped up our frigid outdoor celebration with our fingers starting to get sore from the cold. The boys raced up the ramp to the house and I paused again as my eyes caught the "Hope" plaque in the planter that I wrote about earlier. Hope. Yes, hope is definitely up in the blue skies.
When we came back in the house, I felt lighter somehow. I still felt sad, but lighter. Like acknowledging Jacob in that way was what I needed. What we all needed. My arms may have been empty yesterday--there was no sweet little newborn snuggling into Mommy's arms--but my heart was full. Oh, it was so full of love, of joy, of sorrow...yet a peaceful sorrow. It was just so full of love.
Happy Birthday to my loving Jacob!!! I hope you liked what we did for you this year. While I wish I could have held you yesterday, I knew you had the best birthday party in Heaven. You are healed. You are perfect, my little one. No more Trisomy 13--nothing to hurt you in any way. You are loved in Heaven and here are Earth. Jacob, Momma loves you so very much. You are my son, my joy and always will be. I love you Jacob!!!!! We all love you so very much!
So...if you happen to see a blue star-shaped balloon floating around somewhere, let me know. :) I'm sure our star balloons have gone off on their own journey now--and such a special journey it is. My journey isn't over...yesterday was just another milestone along the way.
Here's to all of our journeys, my friends...may yours be full of stars and hearts. :)
Kim :)
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