In an effort to not start panicking about tomorrow's regular appointment with my OB/GYN, I've decided to write a bit about what's happened in the last two days--specifically about how I am truly try to hear what God may be telling me.
Earlier I wrote about how we shopped for Halloween costumes following my ultrasound in which they gave my darling baby a death sentence. We stopped at a thrift store to look for a dress that I could use as a Princess gown. I was in no mood to look and didn't find anything. Alex took the boys to the men's section and I held back to wait near the jewelry counter. In all of the times we'd been to this store, I'd never looked in the counter.
I walked up to it and glanced down through the glass. The very first thing I saw was a small, approximately 3-inch long gold bookmark with the words, "Be still and know that I am God." I couldn't take my eyes from the bookmark. Was this God speaking to me? How was it that I just so happened to look in a counter that I normally never look in? Why was it that I looked straight down at the very spot where the bookmark lay? It also dawned on me that the genetic counselor said that the baby was about 3 inches long right now--the same length as the bookmark.
I don't know how you know when God is talking to you. I've often wished that it was easier to hear Him. Maybe I'm too dense or often too preoccupied with my own life to hear His words clearly, I don't know. I joked with my mom that I wish it could be like it was in the Bible--where an angel comes to you and tells you exactly what to do.
One way that I've always believed He was talking to me was through experiences such as this--something someone said to me, something I read, perhaps something that seemed to drop in my lap such as this silly little bookmark. Some may think that it was just coincidence, that we see what we want to see. That's okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. For me though, I choose to believe that God WAS speaking to me--right then in the thrift store.
I waited for an employee to unlock the counter and to show me the bookmark. It cost 19 cents. I bought it.
When I told my mom later she agreed with me that it was a message from God. It seemed to bring me a small amount of peace--that I should just slow down and let God be in charge.
We went to my mom's house yesterday for her birthday, despite our troubled hearts. After the celebration, I sat down to finish writing an Advent Devotional which was due today. I'm a writer who writes short stories and have recently started writing devotionals for my Christian Writer's Group as well as for my home church. I discussed the verse that I had been given with my mom. We flipped through several Bibles to get different perspectives.
Mom pulled out her "Leaves of Gold" book-- a beautiful book of verses, poems, and pictures. The very page she just happened to flip to brought tears to her eyes and mine when she showed me what her finger lay on. It was the entire verse. "Be still and know that I am God..."
Again, you may feel that it was just coincidence. How is it that my mom literally stumbled on the exact verse? I choose to believe that God is talking to me during these first few days of panic, worry and extreme anguish. It's this verse that I'm going to hold tight to in the next 24 hours. I will continue to pray about it.
Tomorrow my husband and I go to talk in-depth with my OB/GYN about all of my options. We'll discuss pros/cons and risks. What I am most afraid of is that she will tell me that my life could be at risk down the road if the baby doesn't miscarry naturally or if I don't terminate. This was to be my third c-section. I don't want anything to sway making this horrible decision.
The past few days have been strange. Sometimes it's almost like things are 'normal', while other times it's like I'm in a nightmare that just won't stop.
Thanks for sharing in this journey with me. Your support and prayers are a tremendous help. I hope my words help you if you find yourself on a similar journey. You're not alone.
Now, it's time for me to "Be still...". I'll keep you informed of what we learn in our appointment tomorrow.