Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob

Monday, December 27, 2010

Merry Christmas and two months since losing Jacob

First let me apologize to anyone who may have been looking for my blog posts only to find stagnation.  I'm so sorry.  It was not my intent to let my blog lapse over the past month or so.  Please accept my apologies and know that I'm back writing again and will continue to write.

I'll catch you up on my journey here in the next few posts (including what preoccupied my blog writing time) but first let me wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!  I hope you've had a wonderful time with family and friends. 

Christmas is such a wonderful season of hope.  Despite all of the beauty and joy of the season, there are still those rough times that hit so many of us--family struggles, the stress of finding the right gift, trying to get it all done, etc.  We try hard to feel happy all December long but life is still there with it's problems no matter what holiday is here.  Even after the holidays, there's the returns, using vacation time wisely and tackling the weather and traffic return to work.  More stress and strife.

It is my hope for all of you that despite your struggles you've found something inspiring to carry you through this Christmas.  If you made it to a Christmas Eve service this year, or perhaps watched a movie or read a book that had a message of hope in it, you probably felt inspired....happy...at peace.  I know I did on Christmas Eve.  Our Pastor delivered a wonderful sermon.  I'm struggling to hold tight to the feelings I felt on Christmas Eve.  Isn't it so easy to slip back into the reality of our lives following all of the twinkling lights, the peaceful music and jolly hugs from family and friends?  I want to change my reality.

I think back to Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day and have just the best memories stored up in my heart.  My mom and I stayed up all night wrapping--literally.  Yet despite the lack of sleep, I know we both cherished every moment of Christmas.  Seeing my boys smiles light up the room, watching my 91-year old Grandma chuckle during our family's annual Santa hat photos, wondering how we'd dig ourselves out of the wrapping paper hurricane that filled my mom's house Christmas night...all of these things made the exhaustion worth it!  And that's what I'm working hard to keep fresh in my mind right now.

I'm trying so hard to hold on to hope.  It's a great test for me right now.  As you probably know, we're still trying to have another baby.  I find myself watching the calendar and hoping and praying that things will have worked this time.  I find that I hate it, if you want to know the truth.  I've always hated waiting and hoping for something to happen.  I like to just take joy in each day.  But when you're in a spot like me, it's challenging to know that things may just turn in the direction you want them to...and then again, maybe they won't.  So, you just sit and watch each day to see what will happen.

Christmas Day was the 2-month anniversary of losing Baby Jacob.  I found I was emotional at times but thankfully optimistic at others.  I also wondered a lot about my baby.  What he was doing, who he was with, was he watching us?  Was he watching his momma and feeling sad that she was in pain?  Did he hear his momma sing her favorite song, "The First Noel", during church?   Did he see my new "J" necklace that I wore, just for him?  What does he look like?  Oh how I wish I could see him!!  I have been thinking so much about him.  I would have been around 21 weeks.  And probably huge. :)  I would have been cherishing feeling every kick and nudge in my belly.

All I can do at this point is continue to hope and to pray.  My goal is to keep the feelings of Christmas with me close...every day.  I'll continue to play Christmas music if I have to.  I'll journal or jot down inspiring Bible verses, poems and notes.  Whatever I need to do, you can bet that I'll be doing it.  It's all I can do as I continue on this journey.  I'm just so fearful of my 'ticking clock'--that clock that we face as we get older and our chances for pregnancy start to diminish more and more with each passing year. 

My hope for all of you friends is that if you've been fighting your own struggles this holiday season, find something to lift you through it and hold it so close.  Christmas isn't just a day on our calendar.  It signifies the most wonderful Gift any of us could ever hope to receive.  Christmas should be celebrated every day, especially in our hearts.

I'll see you soon...with hope in my heart.


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