Funny how your mood can shift so slyly that you don't even realize it until it stares you in the face.
Take this last 'round', as I call it. What should a woman who is trying to have another baby do? What should her attitude be? Hopeful? Optimistic? Positive? Excited? Intentional?
Well, sure in a perfect world, maybe. But, unfortunately not in my world. It's been another several hectic weeks in our house and while I track the days on the calendar like a champion bloodhound (I just enjoyed the Westminster Dog Show yesterday hence my dog metaphor), for some reason, my heart just didn't feel into it this time. Oh sure, I enjoyed the time with my husband. That's important no matter what. But for the baby part of it, I just felt almost disgusted and hopeless. I remember thinking, "Why bother? It won't work anyway." I guess my negative attitude affected my actions because several days I nearly forgot to take my ovulation tests. Half the time I was taking them at 3:00 AM or something when I had gotten up to go to the bedroom. Even then, I didn't stay around to read them--I just went back to bed! Again, my mind was pummeled with thoughts like, "It's not going to matter what the test says, my odds are too slim."
You see, I had my 3-month follow up doctor visit just a week ago as it had been pushed back a week due to the ice storm that hit so many of us around the country. Now, IF I would have been able to make that first doctor appointment, she would have started me on Clomid right in time for this last cycle. Maybe, just maybe, it might have had some influence. But, ole' man winter said that was not to be and blew in a major ice storm which closed several businesses for at least a day or two. Great. Lucky me.
I go to my appointment last week and heard my doctor outside of my door saying something about me having lost a baby and not being pregnant again. She said it with such compassion. We discussed starting Clomid in the March cycle meaning that this cycle was already underway and there wasn't anything extra we could to do spice things up.
We discussed a progesterone test and the success rate of Clomid. I don't know how excited I am about my odds, even with Clomid. Apparently my chances monthly are 5% but yearly almost 30% depending on how you look at it. With Clomid, my monthly chances go up to about 10% and who knows what yearly. I remember thinking, "That's it??? That's barely enough to sneeze at." And again with my stinky attitude when the doctor said one of the side effects was twins (more likely than triplets), I found myself thinking, "Ha, like that would happen. I won't have to worry about that either." I also found myself thinking about how my brother and sister-in-law lost one of their twins early on and that it's apparently very common.
I was disgusted with myself for thinking such negative thoughts. I don't know why this month was any different from prior months. Perhaps it was because I had just reached the 13-week mark since losing Jacob and in many ways it was a symbolic good-bye (see my earlier post) to my sweet baby son. Maybe it was just because I had been so optimistic that we'd accomplish something in those first 3 months. Maybe I'm just tired of waiting. Maybe I'm trying hard not to panic at what the future might hold--what if we can't afford fertility treatments? Do I just keep trying the natural way and then is there an age where I'm told to stop so that I'm not like 60 or something when trying to have a baby? Who knows.
My doctor and I also started to discuss other infertility options. As I've mentioned before, that's not necessarily a place that makes me more positive due to the high costs involved. I wonder how parents make that decision. Is it, "How badly do I want a baby? Am I willing to put everything on the line for it?" Oh, I can't even think about that decision. I did agree to at least go have a consultation with a specialist that my doctor spoke very highly of. That appointment is in about 2 weeks. Wouldn't it be nice to not need it???
So it was after my doctor appointment that I kept forgetting to take my ovulation tests. This was the first month/cycle following my miscarriage that I felt this way. Every other month (3 total) I had been feeling pretty optimistic, hopeful and happy. I guess I was due for a downer. I just hope that I can shake it off prior to the next month. I didn't like feeling that way at all.
I am thankful though for my OB/GYN. She is the best doctor and so positive. She keeps saying, "We have a goal in mind--our goal is a baby!" She's so supportive. She even gave me a hearty and solid heartfelt hug at that follow-up visit. It feels good knowing I have her in my corner.
Well, so that's pretty much it for this round. We did what we could--my hubby had to head out of town which couldn't be helped--so who knows if anything was enough to make something happen. Now I face the difficult part of the month where I wait. And wait. I hate waiting. I'm sure I've said that before.
Maybe, just maybe....
Until next time my friends, I truly hope I can learn more patience because it's getting pretty rough out there! May all of your 'waiting' be full of patience and hope...ah yes, that beautiful word, hope. Here's to hope! :)
Kim
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