Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob

Monday, July 11, 2011

Is My Faith Strong Enough?

You know, I wanted to write a week ago.  Right after the 4th of July I was beaming with joy.  Not at being pregnant unfortunately, but because of the wonderful time I had with my family on the holiday.  There were just so many joyful moments that day.  I was full of love for my boys and am so very thankful for them.  I had so much I wanted to write in my blog but didn't get to the computer as quickly as I would have liked.  Recently then, my mood has shifted again...no, I'm not NOT thankful for my boys--I am and always will be.  It's just that I don't feel all peppy and hopeful enough to write the post I had planned.  Been feeling frustrated lately.

So forgive me for the tone of this post, I guess I have to write about the good and the bad, the optimistic and the doubtful...I know the more inspirational stuff will be back.  I just need to get this out of my system because I hate feeling like this. 

Why the frustration?  I'm sure you can guess.  Well, for one, finding out I had those cysts which are preventing treatment this month was a downer for sure.  I just hate how they keep telling me that "we can't afford to waste any opportunity" but then they tell me I have cysts so can't do treatment this month but that "it's very normal when taking fertility drugs."  Talk about pressure. I tell you it's a wonder I don't hear an old-fashioned alarm clock literally ticking out loud...following me with every "tick tick tick" and then those bells on top...at some point I know they will go off--"BRRRIIINNNGG!"  You know how the alarm sound (digital or old-fashioned) can send your heart flipping sometimes?  That's how I feel.  Like I'm waiting for the alarm to go off signalling that my chances at another baby are over.  Done.  Gone.  Serious biological clock ticking away.

If the cysts weren't enough to spike my frustration, the negative ovulation tests are.  Now, I don't know if I ovulated early or perhaps if I just missed it with my random testing.  Who knows.  I just have a bad feeling that I'm not anywhere in the game this month.  The RE had told me that some couples do conceive in "off months" because the medicines had helped the eggs to mature in quality so that did give me hope.   But if I'm not even seeing a positive on my ovulation predictor, where's the hope in that???  My nurse had told me not to bother with the tests this month, just to time intercourse appropriately.  Did she tell me that because she knew my chances were slim and she wanted me to save the $25 this month?   That's what I'm thinking.  I don't know, maybe I would have rather them told me to not even try this month because I'd have a .00000001 chance instead of 5% or whatever my normal percentages are.  So frustrating.

As a result, I just haven't felt that in to it this month.  I think that's why I may have started testing too late.  I also haven't been testing totally regularly either--you're supposed to test at the same time every day and preferably in the mornings.  I've tested whenever I thought about it.  Each time a big hollow circle stares at me from the digital screen.  No happy face this month--on the read out screen or on me.

It's almost like I don't even care to try.  I mean, I want to and I'm still trudging through it but I keep hearing, "Why bother?" in my head.  Of course, time with my husband is nice but I know it's not achieving anything in the baby area so why sacrifice sleep on some of these nights?  We could just skip it and wait until we're on vacation or something.  Why even try now?

Additionally I haven't called my RE yet to ask all of the "what if" questions about my next cycle and the timing of potential treatments. I think I mentioned in my previous post that we're going to be out of town sometime at the start of my next cycle.  That's just great.  This would prevent me from making it in to the office for the ultrasound (obviously) and hence, cancel any treatment for that month...again. 

I've been agonizing over what to do.  Could I ask my husband to bow out of this work trip?  Yeah, I guess I could.  And his boss might allow it, although I kind of doubt it.  But, this is a once a year trip and a pretty important one at that in our nation's capital.  It's just not the best thing to try to back out of.  I've looked at the dates backwards and forwards and analyzed the times my period may start until I gave myself a headache that one night sitting at my dining room table.  My calendar was there and I kept looking at the dates...trying to guess when the next show would start.  It comes down to a slim window of when my period may or may not start and trying to make an appointment before we leave for D.C.   I keep joking that my luck my period will show up an hour after we're on the road.  Talk about depressing.

I just don't know what to do about the whole D.C. thing.  Trying to put off making the decision about the appointment and subsequent departure city (long story) until the last minute.  And it's coming up on me fast.  Tick, tick, tick.

I think my worries are that I'm losing time faster than fast.  Since I may not be ovulating on my own this month, is that just due to the cysts or perhaps the oncoming menopause??  I do know that cysts can supposedly interfere with ovulation and that's one of the reasons they don't give you medicines during that time.  I'd love it if that's why I may not have ovulated this month.  I hope that's it and not that I'm taking big strides towards the "end."  Just makes me sick to even think about.

Of course I know I simply need to call and pummel a nurse with all of my fears and questions.  I just didn't have the desire to do it last week and didn't have the energy today.  I'm going to force myself to make the call tomorrow.

I have to make that call and one more.  I have to call to find out how MUCH all of the next round of treatment will cost, provided I can be here for it.  I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty.  I know again it's just a simple call to the pharmacy company that researches and handles it for you but I'm just not looking forward to the answer I may get. 

Fear of the unknown.  Yup, that's me in a nutshell.  I'm totally panicked at what might be out there---what if I can't afford the meds for this month?  Let alone next month?  What if I can't make the appointment this month?  Will I still have an opportunity next time??  How much longer can I try?? 

Yesterday I made it to church despite having a short night of choppy sleep. I've been trying to go more regularly...that's another story for another post.  Anyway, something the pastor spoke about hit home with me.  The sermon was based on Matthew 13:3, "And He (Jesus) told them many things in parables, saying:  'Listen!  A sower went out to sow.'"  You may remember the story--depending on where the seeds fell affected how well they grew.  Seeds that fell into thorns were choked out, etc.  Jesus went on to make his point in the story and explained that only the person who hears the word and understands it will be like the seeds that fell on good soil. 

I wonder where I am?  Do I really understand God's word the way I should?  I'm not talking about the facts--dates, places, and such but rather the message that God wants us to get out of His word.  How we come to Him in times of trouble.  How we are supposed to give everything to Him. 

I know my faith isn't as strong as I'd love it to be, I can't deny that.  I don't question God in Jacob's death..I know it was for a reason.  He had Trisomy 13, yes, but I believe God has a plan for everything--even Jacob's short time here in his mommy's belly.  Was his death to bring me closer to God?  Was God calling me back because I hadn't been going to church regularly?  Oh yes, I pray regularly and I read lots of religious books.  I belong to a Christian Writing Group here in Ohio and also in Texas. I started writing devotionals a few years go.  But church?  I have to admit that life had gotten in the way of what I grew up doing and did for years and years--going to church regularly every Sunday.

I know I've needed God more in my life and am thankful that I'm taking steps to make that happen.  Even going to church more regularly is helping.  I can feel it.

I can imagine that there are a ton of reasons that God had for what happened to my baby.  I would never be able to guess them all and that's okay because no matter what I'm thankful that I carried Jacob for those 13 weeks.  I love my baby so much.  He continues to be a part of our lives and I am so happy about that. 

There are so many things that I'm thankful for since losing Jacob.  I'm grateful for the healing that I've felt since losing my precious little baby.  It still hits me hard some times but I'm really trying to turn my grief into something good--I'm trying to find ways to help others, to connect with other Baby Loss Moms and to never take anything or anyone for granted.

I thank God that I've been able to grow so much from Jacob's passing.  My Christmas stories about Jacob's death won and were printed all over the country and even in Canada.  I still am so amazed that my words reached others during the holiday season and hope they were inspired by my story of hope.  As you know, I've also been blogging and trying to make sense out of this crazy journey that I'm on and I'm grateful for the opportunity to write as often as I have.  I'm also so very thankful that my writing has touched others.  Thank you for sharing that with me when my posts do hit you in some way!  Your comments and support means more to me than you'll ever know! 

So, to sum it up, I'm still trying to have another baby.  I'm still on this journey.  But I feel so shaky...like maybe I'm the rocky soil or the bad dirt that was mentioned in Jesus' parable yesterday and that this baby won't take root because I'm not strong enough in my faith.  Does this make sense?  I feel like I can't get my words right tonight.  I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing?  Should we just give up?  If we give up, then that's telling God that we're done, right? How can He help us if we don't take the steps to let Him help us?? 

Yeah, I know of the saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."  I had a dear friend tell me recently that God might just put a young woman in our paths who has a baby for us to adopt.  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Yes, I'd love to have my own baby but I'd be just as happy adopting one.  There's only one problem with this--we just wouldn't have the money.  Plain and simple.  So that's that.

To me I see my options as 1--keep trying until I've exhausted everything I can or until I run out of time and hit menopause or 2--give up now and "move on."  I've said before that I wish God would just write it in the sky or something--"Here's what Kim is supposed to do about the baby thing..."  I keep hoping that I'm reading the "signs" right.  We make it to our appointments when we've come in late from out of town.  I have a new RE working with me to up the medications and to be more aggressive.  So far I've come up with the funds I've needed.  Stuff like that.  I figure that these are all good things, right?  Or despite these things, am I to just give up and stop trying?

I ask again, is my faith strong enough?  I know in the end what will be, will be.  I'll have to find a way to deal with it--to get through it--to 'move on' if that's what it comes to.  I don't look forward to it if that's what's coming, I can be honest.  But...where does faith play in to all of this?  Am I to have faith that things will work out somehow, someway and that we should just keep trying?  Isn't the Bible full of stories of people who didn't understand the whys and whens but they kept holding on to faith anyway? 

I was flipping through a book the other day that talked about that very thing.  All through the Bible, people were told of Jesus' coming.  They just didn't know when.  They waited.  They waited some more.  They waited a whole lot more.  And then, finally, He came.  They had to keep believing.  I think faith is kind of a key to everything...faith in Jesus brings us salvation.  Believing.  Holding on.  Trusting. 

Remember Abraham, was it??  The man who found out he'd have as many descendants as the stars?  I don't know why but that story has popped up so many times in books and devotionals that I've read.  I would love to think that it's trying to tell me something or teach me something, I don't know.  Abraham and his wife were past childbearing age and hadn't thought it possible, but then...a baby.  More importantly--they trusted God.  They believed Him.  They had faith.

All I can do is to pray again tonight and every night that God speaks to me, that He quiets the clamor and fear and distrust in my mind and helps me to focus on Him.  I know I can get in the way so often.  I'm the queen of worry warts, the one who tries to work so hard to plan, plan and plan some more.  I know I need to get out of the way and trust God completely in this.  If I can just be quiet, I hope I will be able to hear Him more clearly.

Sorry if this post has you wondering why I'm all over the place...I know what I'm trying to say but struggling to explain it.  I am desperately holding on to hope that things will work out for the best, whatever that means.  I'm also desperately holding on to hope that anything is possible and that we can have another baby if God wants us to.  I'm just struggling with how to balance both of those views of hope.  Wow.  I think that's it in a nut shell.  Wow.

Looking for silence tonight my friends, silence and of course, God's calming voice to lead me to where He wants me to go.

Wishing for all of you quiet moments to pray, to reflect, to love or to simply pause in your life...

Kim :)

1 comment:

  1. Sooooo sorry to learn about your loss of baby Jacob, Kim. Hang in there, girl. I think you have more time (to your biological clock) than you think. I got pregnant with my youngest at 42!
    But it takes a long time for a heart to heal, so go easy on yourself. And enjoy your two little precious ones.