Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob

Monday, September 10, 2012

Crying for Jacob's Voice

Well, I'm back.  Again.

Talk about frustrating!  These delays in my blogging are so much fun.

You may remember that we returned from a 2.5 week trip to my mom's earlier this summer, June, to be exact.  Alex was out of town at both drill and a conference for work.  The boys and I enjoyed time with Mom, my step-dad and my grandma...soaking up the sounds of Grandma's polkas, Chico's hee haws from the pasture, the boys' giggles as Pa tickled them while watching TV and late night quiet conversations with mom at the kitchen table while we sewed some special projects.

When I first got back, I was able to write about my trip home which you have probably read by now. But then, after that my writing was hampered by the weather.  Can you believe it?  Due to powerful summer storms, we were out of power for 4 days in one storm and cable for almost 2 weeks.  When another storm hit less than 2 weeks later, we were again on the fritz, this time thankfully though not for as long.

My most recent challenge blocking me from writing in the past month or so?  I forgot my password.  Yup, something THAT simple.  Now, you may be wondering, why on earth didn't I just reset it?  Well, I finally was brave and took that step just now because I couldn't take it any longer. I've been away from my blog for long enough.  But I wasn't sure that I wanted to risk that action initially so thought I'd just keep trying to remember my password instead.

 Long story short, when we got new phones this summer, my google account got goofed up simply because the cell phone company had to reset my Gmail account.  They said the two were separate, but they weren't and so resetting one account erased the other at the same time.  I was terrified that I had lost access to my blog permanently.  I don't remember how I got things back up and running again but thankfully I did....complete with new password. 

Well, I wrote it down in a book and then misplaced the book.  Talk about frustrating. 

So here I am.  Once again trying to get things rolling in a consistent manner.  I know it's frustrating for me as a writer, I'm guessing it just may be frustrating for any of you who enjoy reading my blog.  I'm so sorry about that.

I have so many posts I need to write I'm not sure where to begin. 

I think I'll keep this one simple for now.  Three days ago I went to bed, crawled under the cool sheet, snuggled into my lumpy pillow and suddenly thoughts of Jacob popped into my head.  I am not sure why I started thinking of him in that manner and right then, but I did.  As I lay there with the fan blowing on my face and the air cleaner creating a soft white noise in the bedroom, I saw Jacob in my mind as I saw him alive for the last time in my ultrasound appointment on October 21, 2010.  It was a Thursday.  Funny how I will always remember some of those dates. I mean how many of us remember stuff like that?  Weird.

What I saw while I hoped to drift off was Jacob's mouth opening and closing as it had in the ultrasound.  I remember watching him and loving his little mouth moving so sweetly on the screen.  Of course this was all prior to the doctor placing his hand on mine and saying, "I'm sorry."

As I lay in my bed the other night remembering what I saw of my baby, I started to cry.  I have no idea why and what brought such emotion out of me so suddenly.  I remember thinking of his voice and how I never got to hear it.  How I won't hear his sweet voice until that day when we are reunited in Heaven.   Jacob would be turning two in a little less than 6 weeks and I still feel the pain of that silence....no cries, no giggles, no coos and no "mama"...all things that I still long to hear and perhaps especially that night when things were quiet and everyone was settled in bed.

Unplanned tears fell down my cheek.  I didn't bother to wipe them though. I just let them pool up on the pillow.  One by one they fell.  I stayed quiet and hugged Jacob's giraffe to my face.  My husband was asleep.  The dog was nestled at my feet.  Even the cat was hugging my husband's legs on the other side of the bed.  It was just me who was awake.  Who was remembering.  Who was missing my baby.

That night caught me off guard.  I know there are always times when I can get more emotional over Jacob, but this was one of those that popped up out of nowhere.  I'm glad it came though.  It might not make sense but I think we, as mothers of babies who have passed away, need to cry from time to time.  We need to have it smack us in the face when it can, to have it crush us...for just a little bit.  I think we need this in order to feel.  We need to feel that love for our babies and crying is a pretty strong emotion that allows us to feel that love so freely and without any fears or inhibitions. 

I know I've read so many stories of mothers who feel guilty when they start healing and moving forward.  They want to remember their baby, to keep them alive and to love them actively.  Once the initial pain and sadness passes and healing comes, the crying typically lessens which is a good thing obviously.  But sometimes I think healing can almost appear to create a bit of distance between mommy and baby.  I don't think any of us would want to remain in the freshest stage of grief when we first lost our babies as those depths of pain at a constant level would be pretty unbearable.  But I think what we want is to feel instead is that same level of closeness to them that we felt at their death.  Does that make sense?  I know at times since Jacob's death I've found myself questioning my actions..."Shouldn't I be crying more often?"  Other mommies write about missing their baby daily, every hour sometimes...they cry often.  Am I grieving enough?  The right way?  Have I moved forward in my healing too quickly?

Bet you didn't know that baby loss moms face those questions too.  Yes, I've heard so many of my friends question how they are grieving, and it gets especially bad when other friends or family offer feedback about how that mom is doing on her journey.  Unfortunately, often times that feedback isn't supportive and is very critical of the mom in how she chooses to remember her child or not, whether she comes to family functions where new babies are present and when she just needs to cry and to mourn her baby.  We all know there is no one right and only way to grieve for our babies even though we share so many of the same pains and frustrations trying to get through the heartbreak of losing our precious child.

At the beginning of this journey I knew that I had to find my own way through it.  I could learn from others, read, talk, and discuss everything under the sun but in the end only I would carve my own path through grief.  I had to figure it out.  I carried Jacob.  I carried the pain and anguish of losing him when I saw that his "little flicker" had gone quietly still on the ultrasound screen.  I carried overwhelming depths of sadness with me into the operating room for my D&C when all I wanted to do was to turn and run.  I am the one now who carries him still.  I figure out daily what to do to keep him actively in my life and in our family. I figure out when to cry and when to just smile and let my heart fill with so much joy it could blow away if it wasn't in my body.  I figure out when I have to write to express what frustrates me and what elates me on this journey. I figure out how to continue to be there to support so many of my baby loss friends who have had and who are delivering their beautiful rainbow babies.  There are always things that will pop up I guess that may throw me for a loop from time to time.  And I'll take each one as it comes.  This is my journey.

So, I cried for Jacob.  Totally unexpected, but totally welcomed.  It was brief, I drifted off missing him and loving him.  My head lay on the damp pillow and I couldn't hug Jacob's giraffe any tighter.  That was all.  But it was enough.  It was enough to know that my love for him will always be there, whether I cry buckets for him or just enough tears that my heart feels heavy...or even if I don't cry at all.  We are mommy and baby always...always connected by that bond and that love. 

Loving you, Jacob...tonight and always...

Love, Mommy

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