First let me apologize to anyone who may have been looking for my blog posts only to find stagnation. I'm so sorry. It was not my intent to let my blog lapse over the past month or so. Please accept my apologies and know that I'm back writing again and will continue to write.
I'll catch you up on my journey here in the next few posts (including what preoccupied my blog writing time) but first let me wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! I hope you've had a wonderful time with family and friends.
Christmas is such a wonderful season of hope. Despite all of the beauty and joy of the season, there are still those rough times that hit so many of us--family struggles, the stress of finding the right gift, trying to get it all done, etc. We try hard to feel happy all December long but life is still there with it's problems no matter what holiday is here. Even after the holidays, there's the returns, using vacation time wisely and tackling the weather and traffic return to work. More stress and strife.
It is my hope for all of you that despite your struggles you've found something inspiring to carry you through this Christmas. If you made it to a Christmas Eve service this year, or perhaps watched a movie or read a book that had a message of hope in it, you probably felt inspired....happy...at peace. I know I did on Christmas Eve. Our Pastor delivered a wonderful sermon. I'm struggling to hold tight to the feelings I felt on Christmas Eve. Isn't it so easy to slip back into the reality of our lives following all of the twinkling lights, the peaceful music and jolly hugs from family and friends? I want to change my reality.
I think back to Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day and have just the best memories stored up in my heart. My mom and I stayed up all night wrapping--literally. Yet despite the lack of sleep, I know we both cherished every moment of Christmas. Seeing my boys smiles light up the room, watching my 91-year old Grandma chuckle during our family's annual Santa hat photos, wondering how we'd dig ourselves out of the wrapping paper hurricane that filled my mom's house Christmas night...all of these things made the exhaustion worth it! And that's what I'm working hard to keep fresh in my mind right now.
I'm trying so hard to hold on to hope. It's a great test for me right now. As you probably know, we're still trying to have another baby. I find myself watching the calendar and hoping and praying that things will have worked this time. I find that I hate it, if you want to know the truth. I've always hated waiting and hoping for something to happen. I like to just take joy in each day. But when you're in a spot like me, it's challenging to know that things may just turn in the direction you want them to...and then again, maybe they won't. So, you just sit and watch each day to see what will happen.
Christmas Day was the 2-month anniversary of losing Baby Jacob. I found I was emotional at times but thankfully optimistic at others. I also wondered a lot about my baby. What he was doing, who he was with, was he watching us? Was he watching his momma and feeling sad that she was in pain? Did he hear his momma sing her favorite song, "The First Noel", during church? Did he see my new "J" necklace that I wore, just for him? What does he look like? Oh how I wish I could see him!! I have been thinking so much about him. I would have been around 21 weeks. And probably huge. :) I would have been cherishing feeling every kick and nudge in my belly.
All I can do at this point is continue to hope and to pray. My goal is to keep the feelings of Christmas with me close...every day. I'll continue to play Christmas music if I have to. I'll journal or jot down inspiring Bible verses, poems and notes. Whatever I need to do, you can bet that I'll be doing it. It's all I can do as I continue on this journey. I'm just so fearful of my 'ticking clock'--that clock that we face as we get older and our chances for pregnancy start to diminish more and more with each passing year.
My hope for all of you friends is that if you've been fighting your own struggles this holiday season, find something to lift you through it and hold it so close. Christmas isn't just a day on our calendar. It signifies the most wonderful Gift any of us could ever hope to receive. Christmas should be celebrated every day, especially in our hearts.
I'll see you soon...with hope in my heart.
Kim
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Out of the mouth of babes
Sammy came to me recently while I was doing dishes and said, "Mommy, I know what it means when someone is blue. Widget has the 'bluey-blues' and she's blue because she's sad. And her friends tried to do funny stuff to make her laugh but she was still sad." Sammy, my 5-year old, loves 'Wow Wow Wubzy', a popular kids show on Nick Jr.
Knowing the episode he was talking about, I said, "Yes, poor Widget was sad. It's kind of like when Mommy is sad about Baby Jacob. It doesn't always work to do funny stuff when people are sad, sometimes we just have to take care of them." Sammy said, "That's right. That's why we do hearts. Yup, it's all about love!"
Sammy is my sweetheart. He is so tender-hearted, so perceptive. Our 'hearts' that he was referring to I mentioned in one of my earlier posts. It's the shape of a heart with our fingers that we do for each other. It could be at a completely random time, whenever he or I feel like sharing our love. I was so happy when Benny picked it up too. I made my last heart for Baby Jacob on October 26, the morning of my D&C.
I've thought a lot about Sammy and Benny over the last few weeks. Some of you may be wondering how the boys are doing. I thought I'd let you know.
When we first conceived, we didn't tell the boys right away. I knew they were preoccupied with being kids and playing and simply enjoying life. I had read that 9 months is a long time for a child to wait for a baby so thought we'd wait a bit before telling them. I had just bought a new book about babies to read to them. Finally, around week 7 or 8, we told them. Sammy was so excited! He wanted a baby sister AND a baby brother. Alex & I had to laugh and say, "Well, we'll see honey."
Benny was excited too. He said in his almost 3-year old voice, "Oh boy-a! Oh boy-a!" and clapped his hands just like you'd imagine him doing. Both boys talked about it from time to time, especially if I reminded them not to jump or push on mommy's tummy. Sammy would ask when he could see the baby. He kept asking if he could see the doctor take the baby out of mommy's tummy. Well, I thought that was going to be interesting. I had always just said that God puts the baby into a mommy's tummy when a mommy and a daddy love each other so much and want a baby to love. And I said that a doctor takes the baby out. I left it at that. Since I'd had 2 c-sections and more than likely would have a third, I couldn't bring myself to try to explain that procedure to Sammy. Not yet.
Whenever I felt sick or told Sammy & Benny I was taking a 'boo-boo pill' (actually my prenatal vitamin), Sammy was always concerned about the baby. "If you have a boo-boo tummy, does that mean the baby has a boo-boo tummy too, Mommy?" I always reassured him that our baby was fine.
On the day of my 12-week neucco-screen, the advanced ultrasound, Alex had taken the boys to lunch for the first part of my lengthy visit--the genetic counseling. I was so grateful that they got back just in time for my ultrasound. The boys were so excited to see the baby. Benny's attention wasn't held as long as Sammy's but you could see he was happy. Sammy wanted to know everything that he was seeing and why. Their chatter was so gay during that time when I got a foreboding sense that something was wrong.
After the doctor confirmed the news, that our precious baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term, I broke down. I shook. I couldn't have stopped crying if you would have paid me to.
I felt that we had to make a decision right then and there. Benny came up to me and put his hand on my arm. I was still on the table. "You crying, Mama?" Sammy noticed then too. I decided to tell the boys the truth. I said, "Mommy's crying because the baby is really sick, honey."
Sammy, ever learning to say the right things, said, "It'll be okay, Mommy. The baby will be okay." Again, I made a decision and said, "No, honey. No, he won't. The baby is very sick." I don't remember exactly what I said. I didn't use the word 'die', I think I just kept saying, "No, he won't get better." I know I said, "The baby is going home to Heaven to live with God."
The look on Sammy's face as well as the sweetness of his voice when he said, "Oh," was heartbreaking. I hated having to tell him the truth. Don't we all sometimes just wish that we could keep our children innocent and safe and happy forever? That they would never see the pain and hurting in the world? I just felt that with all of the emotion that would surely be surging out of us, he'd have to know the truth. I hoped that telling he and Benny might also help us to talk about it and hopefully understand it? I don't know.
My poor boys. They really did their best to understand. When we went home that Saturday to celebrate my mom's birthday, Sammy told my mom about the baby going home to Heaven. My mom had quietly said, "Yes, he will go live with God." Every moment hearing that was so difficult for me.
And then came that Monday, October 25. Alex had the boys playing with fall leaves in the yard behind our doctor's office. I was in the ultrasound room alone. My baby's heart had stopped. I waited at the car in the parking lot for Alex and the boys. As I spit out the news to Alex, Sammy heard part of it and through a hazed tear-filled vision, I told him, "The baby went bye-bye night night. He went home to live in Heaven. That's why Mommy's sad."
The morning of my D&C, October 26, we didn't tell the boys what was happening. We just told them they were going to play at a lady's house. I did ask the boys to pose with me for a picture in our kitchen. Sammy said they were giving the baby one final hug. This picture is posted on my blog. Boy boys held their hands on my stomach. It was another heart-wrenching moment as I knew this would be the only picture of my three boys together...all of the dreams and hopes were gone. All of Sammy's talk of the new baby and playing with him were gone. It was all gone.
Since then, the boys still bring it up from time to time. I'm glad. I think they understand. When we went to my mom's last week while my husband was out of town, Sammy made sure to tell my mom all about Baby Jacob going bye bye night night and living in Heaven now. He said that within 20 minutes of our arrival. Benny says occasionally, "Baby Jacob go bye bye."
One time Sammy and I talked about Baby Jacob in Heaven. I wrote this before, but in case you missed it, I asked him, "What do you think Baby Jacob is doing?" Sammy said, "Um, I think he's playing!" I replied, "Oh, I bet he is! I bet he's laughing right now!" Sammy said, "I hear him Mommy!" I'd like to think that maybe he did hear him. It was just so sweet of him to say that to me. It was such a happy moment for both of us.
And then another time I asked Sammy, "What song do you think the angels are singing to Baby Jacob?" Sammy said, "The one about Baby Jesus." I always sing 'Away in the Manger' to the boys and they love it. I would like to think that Baby Jacob loves listening to it too.
We were in Wal-mart the other day and browsed the Christmas section. The boys love Christmas as do my husband and I so we're the ones you see shopping those aisles before Thanksgiving. I was feeling sad listening to the Christmas music playing and wondering about what next Christmas would have been like with my baby. I started crying. Sammy saw me and asked why I looked 'a little sad'. I said, "Mommy is thinking of Baby Jacob. I miss him. I want to do a Christmas tree for him." Sammy seemed to get tears in his eyes too. He hugged me tightly and said, "I want to do a tree for Baby Jacob."
It's truly amazed me at how strong and how loving my Sammy is. He is my firstborn. I joke that he & I went through so much together that we're connected in a very special way. I had an emergency c-section and both he & I could have died, it was apparently that serious. Sammy 'turned colicky' at age 10 days. This lasted for MONTHS! One day I clocked his crying at 17 hours straight, I kid you not. Alex wore headphones on some of the really bad days. I cried. It was a really rough beginning. One night after taking Sammy to the hospital thinking something had to be wrong with him, the ER people laughed at us, something about being 'new parents.' Sammy had difficulty nursing. I had sore nipples constantly. Sorry if that was a little too graphic but it was the truth. I didn't give up on us though. Nursing won. We won. We are a mommy and a son, forever connected by love as am I with Benny and Jacob.
Sammy also asks when there will be a new baby in mommy's tummy. I tell him hopefully soon. That we have to pray to God about that. We prayed just the other day for a new baby. I hope that one day soon, I'll be able to tell him that God answered our prayer with another baby. I'll be a nervous wreck throughout the pregnancy but I know my boys will be there for Mommy. They'll keep me strong, smiling and enjoying every step of my journey.
Enjoy your journey, my friends. Keep your ears open for a child's wisdom. Even the simplest of their thoughts can touch you in ways you never thought possible. Remember what Sammy said, "Yup, it's all about love!" That pretty much sums it up for me.
Kim
Knowing the episode he was talking about, I said, "Yes, poor Widget was sad. It's kind of like when Mommy is sad about Baby Jacob. It doesn't always work to do funny stuff when people are sad, sometimes we just have to take care of them." Sammy said, "That's right. That's why we do hearts. Yup, it's all about love!"
Sammy is my sweetheart. He is so tender-hearted, so perceptive. Our 'hearts' that he was referring to I mentioned in one of my earlier posts. It's the shape of a heart with our fingers that we do for each other. It could be at a completely random time, whenever he or I feel like sharing our love. I was so happy when Benny picked it up too. I made my last heart for Baby Jacob on October 26, the morning of my D&C.
I've thought a lot about Sammy and Benny over the last few weeks. Some of you may be wondering how the boys are doing. I thought I'd let you know.
When we first conceived, we didn't tell the boys right away. I knew they were preoccupied with being kids and playing and simply enjoying life. I had read that 9 months is a long time for a child to wait for a baby so thought we'd wait a bit before telling them. I had just bought a new book about babies to read to them. Finally, around week 7 or 8, we told them. Sammy was so excited! He wanted a baby sister AND a baby brother. Alex & I had to laugh and say, "Well, we'll see honey."
Benny was excited too. He said in his almost 3-year old voice, "Oh boy-a! Oh boy-a!" and clapped his hands just like you'd imagine him doing. Both boys talked about it from time to time, especially if I reminded them not to jump or push on mommy's tummy. Sammy would ask when he could see the baby. He kept asking if he could see the doctor take the baby out of mommy's tummy. Well, I thought that was going to be interesting. I had always just said that God puts the baby into a mommy's tummy when a mommy and a daddy love each other so much and want a baby to love. And I said that a doctor takes the baby out. I left it at that. Since I'd had 2 c-sections and more than likely would have a third, I couldn't bring myself to try to explain that procedure to Sammy. Not yet.
Whenever I felt sick or told Sammy & Benny I was taking a 'boo-boo pill' (actually my prenatal vitamin), Sammy was always concerned about the baby. "If you have a boo-boo tummy, does that mean the baby has a boo-boo tummy too, Mommy?" I always reassured him that our baby was fine.
On the day of my 12-week neucco-screen, the advanced ultrasound, Alex had taken the boys to lunch for the first part of my lengthy visit--the genetic counseling. I was so grateful that they got back just in time for my ultrasound. The boys were so excited to see the baby. Benny's attention wasn't held as long as Sammy's but you could see he was happy. Sammy wanted to know everything that he was seeing and why. Their chatter was so gay during that time when I got a foreboding sense that something was wrong.
After the doctor confirmed the news, that our precious baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term, I broke down. I shook. I couldn't have stopped crying if you would have paid me to.
I felt that we had to make a decision right then and there. Benny came up to me and put his hand on my arm. I was still on the table. "You crying, Mama?" Sammy noticed then too. I decided to tell the boys the truth. I said, "Mommy's crying because the baby is really sick, honey."
Sammy, ever learning to say the right things, said, "It'll be okay, Mommy. The baby will be okay." Again, I made a decision and said, "No, honey. No, he won't. The baby is very sick." I don't remember exactly what I said. I didn't use the word 'die', I think I just kept saying, "No, he won't get better." I know I said, "The baby is going home to Heaven to live with God."
The look on Sammy's face as well as the sweetness of his voice when he said, "Oh," was heartbreaking. I hated having to tell him the truth. Don't we all sometimes just wish that we could keep our children innocent and safe and happy forever? That they would never see the pain and hurting in the world? I just felt that with all of the emotion that would surely be surging out of us, he'd have to know the truth. I hoped that telling he and Benny might also help us to talk about it and hopefully understand it? I don't know.
My poor boys. They really did their best to understand. When we went home that Saturday to celebrate my mom's birthday, Sammy told my mom about the baby going home to Heaven. My mom had quietly said, "Yes, he will go live with God." Every moment hearing that was so difficult for me.
And then came that Monday, October 25. Alex had the boys playing with fall leaves in the yard behind our doctor's office. I was in the ultrasound room alone. My baby's heart had stopped. I waited at the car in the parking lot for Alex and the boys. As I spit out the news to Alex, Sammy heard part of it and through a hazed tear-filled vision, I told him, "The baby went bye-bye night night. He went home to live in Heaven. That's why Mommy's sad."
The morning of my D&C, October 26, we didn't tell the boys what was happening. We just told them they were going to play at a lady's house. I did ask the boys to pose with me for a picture in our kitchen. Sammy said they were giving the baby one final hug. This picture is posted on my blog. Boy boys held their hands on my stomach. It was another heart-wrenching moment as I knew this would be the only picture of my three boys together...all of the dreams and hopes were gone. All of Sammy's talk of the new baby and playing with him were gone. It was all gone.
Since then, the boys still bring it up from time to time. I'm glad. I think they understand. When we went to my mom's last week while my husband was out of town, Sammy made sure to tell my mom all about Baby Jacob going bye bye night night and living in Heaven now. He said that within 20 minutes of our arrival. Benny says occasionally, "Baby Jacob go bye bye."
One time Sammy and I talked about Baby Jacob in Heaven. I wrote this before, but in case you missed it, I asked him, "What do you think Baby Jacob is doing?" Sammy said, "Um, I think he's playing!" I replied, "Oh, I bet he is! I bet he's laughing right now!" Sammy said, "I hear him Mommy!" I'd like to think that maybe he did hear him. It was just so sweet of him to say that to me. It was such a happy moment for both of us.
And then another time I asked Sammy, "What song do you think the angels are singing to Baby Jacob?" Sammy said, "The one about Baby Jesus." I always sing 'Away in the Manger' to the boys and they love it. I would like to think that Baby Jacob loves listening to it too.
We were in Wal-mart the other day and browsed the Christmas section. The boys love Christmas as do my husband and I so we're the ones you see shopping those aisles before Thanksgiving. I was feeling sad listening to the Christmas music playing and wondering about what next Christmas would have been like with my baby. I started crying. Sammy saw me and asked why I looked 'a little sad'. I said, "Mommy is thinking of Baby Jacob. I miss him. I want to do a Christmas tree for him." Sammy seemed to get tears in his eyes too. He hugged me tightly and said, "I want to do a tree for Baby Jacob."
It's truly amazed me at how strong and how loving my Sammy is. He is my firstborn. I joke that he & I went through so much together that we're connected in a very special way. I had an emergency c-section and both he & I could have died, it was apparently that serious. Sammy 'turned colicky' at age 10 days. This lasted for MONTHS! One day I clocked his crying at 17 hours straight, I kid you not. Alex wore headphones on some of the really bad days. I cried. It was a really rough beginning. One night after taking Sammy to the hospital thinking something had to be wrong with him, the ER people laughed at us, something about being 'new parents.' Sammy had difficulty nursing. I had sore nipples constantly. Sorry if that was a little too graphic but it was the truth. I didn't give up on us though. Nursing won. We won. We are a mommy and a son, forever connected by love as am I with Benny and Jacob.
Sammy also asks when there will be a new baby in mommy's tummy. I tell him hopefully soon. That we have to pray to God about that. We prayed just the other day for a new baby. I hope that one day soon, I'll be able to tell him that God answered our prayer with another baby. I'll be a nervous wreck throughout the pregnancy but I know my boys will be there for Mommy. They'll keep me strong, smiling and enjoying every step of my journey.
Enjoy your journey, my friends. Keep your ears open for a child's wisdom. Even the simplest of their thoughts can touch you in ways you never thought possible. Remember what Sammy said, "Yup, it's all about love!" That pretty much sums it up for me.
Kim
The Funeral Home--just a bad day overall
Saturday morning, November 6, 2010
Mom, the boys & I took Winnie to the funeral home for cremation. I know that may sound odd to some of you. That's okay, at first it sounded bizarre to me too.
Several years ago, we learned of pet cremation from some wonderful friends of ours when we lived in Oklahoma. At first I wasn't sure what to make of it. Who cremates their pets? Well, it turns out a lot of people do. Pet crematories and even cemeteries are nationwide.
As a kid, I have no idea what happened to our beloved pets. I probably don't want to know. My mom & step-dad bury their deceased pets as they live on a 2-3 acre 'hobby farm'. I buried two 17 year old cats that belonged to a friend of mine who passed away years ago. His cats were his companions and I called him my "Texas Grandpa." His senior feline friends died two days after he did.
As my husband & I have been moving around so much in the last few years, we wondered what we would do with our pets upon losing them. There was no question with Winnie. My mom offered a spot on her property where we could place her. I said, no. She would be cremated.
We pulled up to the funeral home on that chilly morning. A pretty dusting of snow sat on all of the trees and lightly on the grass. I was shocked to realize that we were at a regular old funeral home--one that deals with people. Why did it have to be a regular funeral home? It just so happened that they also dealt with pets. I cannot describe how difficult walking into this place was for me. How many funeral homes would I be visiting anyway? Memories of going to Baby's Jacob's funeral home pummeled me. I looked into the dark rooms while I waited for the owner. It was so quiet. The darkened rooms just look like they are waiting for sorrow. Chairs placed casually around. Flower stands are lined up near the front. And of course, the table or whatever it is that holds the casket sits empty. Boxes of tissue on tables. Silence. Silence that at any time could be filled with sobs and hushed whispers as loved ones grieve.
I was glad that our paperwork was quick, I felt anxious. The floral and other smells were starting to get to me and I felt as if my tears were unleashed once I told the woman of losing my son a week earlier. The woman told me where to bring Winnie. We had to go to a back entrance. I felt sick. This was probably where bodies were brought. I didn't want to go to that room.
My boys wanted to say goodbye to Winnie one more time so we held her bag up to the window so they could wave at her. Mom carried her in and laid her on a table. There was a gurney in the room. The woman locked a big walk-in cooler. It kind of looked like a big open storage room.
My son had been in a place like this Jumbled grief and agony started giving me a headache. Baby Jacob. Winnie.
I made my final farewells to Winnie. I stroked her soft ears for as long as I could before leaving her. My sweet old girl...I truly hoped there was a 'doggie Heaven' somewhere. Maybe she'd be kissing and playing with my baby. Maybe. I really wanted to hope for that. I know there's a lot of views about this. Does anyone believe that God made a place for our pets...those little creatures that He gave us, so full of unconditional love? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
The woman hugged me with tears in her eyes too. Upon learning of my son and she had called my whole situation, "A pretty big kick in the butt." A 'kick in the butt'. Yup, that's a great way of putting it. I almost laughed. Winnie died 10 days after I lost my son. There's just not words to describe the pain that I felt.
Part of me cried for Winnie. My sweet girl. Guilt hit me. Maybe I should have taken her to the vet when I saw her breathing hard the night before. What if I could have saved her? You know how we frequently second guess ourselves? I think that's a natural part of dealing with loss. We look for ways that we might have done things differently.
I mentioned losing my 'Texas Grandpa' several years ago. I met him through the Meals on Wheels Program and I was his 'Care Caller'. I called him daily as he didn't have any family or friends really to check on him. We grew to be great friends over the next year and a half. Several of our calls were an hour long! He would chat about his past, about his writing, stamp-collecting or about his cats--they were his family. We even took him to dinner on a regular basis.
When I found him that hot July morning several years ago, I slid into a guilt-ridden period of grief. What if I could have been there? Could I have saved him somehow? It finally took talking to his doctor to realize that even if someone had lived with him and noticed when he went down, he would have only had seconds to be helped. As the doctor put it, he was more than likely gone before he hit the floor.
As much as we try to listen when others console us with words like this, it's still often an emotional nightmare. On the 30 minute ride back up to my mom's the boys and mom sang the name song ("Sammy! Bananarama Bo Bammy, Fee Fi Fo Fammy...Sammy!") and I was grateful for how she distracted them. Amidst a smile here and there as I listened to my Sammy & Benny's laughter, I thought of my Baby Jacob. I wondered if he felt any pain when he died? I thought back to our 12 week neucco screen ultrasound when I saw his mouth opening and closing. I loved watching his movements. I wish that ultrasound could have been recorded for me.
I read that babies are practicing breathing for when their lungs fully develop. Would Jacob have gasped for air in his final moments in my womb? I knew that I'd have to ask my doctor how he died. It was something I had to know. The guilt still pummeled me. Even though women of any age can have babies withTrisomy 13, it is more common for older women. Me. My age could have hurt my poor baby. No woman wants to think that anything she did or didn't do could have harmed her baby.
The rest of Saturday was a full of headaches. I finally broke down, called a pharmacist and asked what kind of sinus medicine I should take since I figured out that my headaches were largely sinus related. Do you know that it has been over 6 years since I'd taken sinus medication? Seriously. Because I was either pregnant or nursing, I suffered through colds, sinus problems, allergies, you name it. You can't take those types of medications when you're pregnant or nursing. It was almost comical that night as I kept reading the medication box over and over. I think it's a good thing that I found humor in laughing at myself. It helped to chase the day's storm cloud away.
The boys love a Winne the Pooh episode where Tigger insults a cloud and the cloud follows him everywhere. It finds him when he's sleeping. It hovers over him soaking him with rain and grey shadows. That's how I felt all day. A big grey cloud was following me hour after hour. I wished I could have solved my problem as easily as Tigger had--all he had to do was to apologize to the cloud! At least my medication quandary helped to finally lighten my mood around midnight.
So,Saturday, November 6 was one of those 'heavy days'. Unending tears, hunched shoulders and my head bent low. I'm happy to say that things haven't been that rough since that day. I've had up and down days and I'll keep you informed of the clouds and the moments when sunshine peaks through to warm my heart.
Keep a look out for the sunshine, it really is there even if it's just a little ray. One little ray can sometimes brighten a whole room.
I welcome your comments and am so grateful for all of you who read this. I've heard from several of you through the last few weeks through Facebook. I had no idea that my words could touch anyone or even possibly someday help someone, although it's been my hope since I started writing. I knew that I needed to do this for me, but was truly hoping that I could reach someone else. Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement. They have helped me get through these dark times.
Until next time my friends,
Kim
Mom, the boys & I took Winnie to the funeral home for cremation. I know that may sound odd to some of you. That's okay, at first it sounded bizarre to me too.
Several years ago, we learned of pet cremation from some wonderful friends of ours when we lived in Oklahoma. At first I wasn't sure what to make of it. Who cremates their pets? Well, it turns out a lot of people do. Pet crematories and even cemeteries are nationwide.
As a kid, I have no idea what happened to our beloved pets. I probably don't want to know. My mom & step-dad bury their deceased pets as they live on a 2-3 acre 'hobby farm'. I buried two 17 year old cats that belonged to a friend of mine who passed away years ago. His cats were his companions and I called him my "Texas Grandpa." His senior feline friends died two days after he did.
As my husband & I have been moving around so much in the last few years, we wondered what we would do with our pets upon losing them. There was no question with Winnie. My mom offered a spot on her property where we could place her. I said, no. She would be cremated.
We pulled up to the funeral home on that chilly morning. A pretty dusting of snow sat on all of the trees and lightly on the grass. I was shocked to realize that we were at a regular old funeral home--one that deals with people. Why did it have to be a regular funeral home? It just so happened that they also dealt with pets. I cannot describe how difficult walking into this place was for me. How many funeral homes would I be visiting anyway? Memories of going to Baby's Jacob's funeral home pummeled me. I looked into the dark rooms while I waited for the owner. It was so quiet. The darkened rooms just look like they are waiting for sorrow. Chairs placed casually around. Flower stands are lined up near the front. And of course, the table or whatever it is that holds the casket sits empty. Boxes of tissue on tables. Silence. Silence that at any time could be filled with sobs and hushed whispers as loved ones grieve.
I was glad that our paperwork was quick, I felt anxious. The floral and other smells were starting to get to me and I felt as if my tears were unleashed once I told the woman of losing my son a week earlier. The woman told me where to bring Winnie. We had to go to a back entrance. I felt sick. This was probably where bodies were brought. I didn't want to go to that room.
My boys wanted to say goodbye to Winnie one more time so we held her bag up to the window so they could wave at her. Mom carried her in and laid her on a table. There was a gurney in the room. The woman locked a big walk-in cooler. It kind of looked like a big open storage room.
My son had been in a place like this Jumbled grief and agony started giving me a headache. Baby Jacob. Winnie.
I made my final farewells to Winnie. I stroked her soft ears for as long as I could before leaving her. My sweet old girl...I truly hoped there was a 'doggie Heaven' somewhere. Maybe she'd be kissing and playing with my baby. Maybe. I really wanted to hope for that. I know there's a lot of views about this. Does anyone believe that God made a place for our pets...those little creatures that He gave us, so full of unconditional love? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
The woman hugged me with tears in her eyes too. Upon learning of my son and she had called my whole situation, "A pretty big kick in the butt." A 'kick in the butt'. Yup, that's a great way of putting it. I almost laughed. Winnie died 10 days after I lost my son. There's just not words to describe the pain that I felt.
Part of me cried for Winnie. My sweet girl. Guilt hit me. Maybe I should have taken her to the vet when I saw her breathing hard the night before. What if I could have saved her? You know how we frequently second guess ourselves? I think that's a natural part of dealing with loss. We look for ways that we might have done things differently.
I mentioned losing my 'Texas Grandpa' several years ago. I met him through the Meals on Wheels Program and I was his 'Care Caller'. I called him daily as he didn't have any family or friends really to check on him. We grew to be great friends over the next year and a half. Several of our calls were an hour long! He would chat about his past, about his writing, stamp-collecting or about his cats--they were his family. We even took him to dinner on a regular basis.
When I found him that hot July morning several years ago, I slid into a guilt-ridden period of grief. What if I could have been there? Could I have saved him somehow? It finally took talking to his doctor to realize that even if someone had lived with him and noticed when he went down, he would have only had seconds to be helped. As the doctor put it, he was more than likely gone before he hit the floor.
As much as we try to listen when others console us with words like this, it's still often an emotional nightmare. On the 30 minute ride back up to my mom's the boys and mom sang the name song ("Sammy! Bananarama Bo Bammy, Fee Fi Fo Fammy...Sammy!") and I was grateful for how she distracted them. Amidst a smile here and there as I listened to my Sammy & Benny's laughter, I thought of my Baby Jacob. I wondered if he felt any pain when he died? I thought back to our 12 week neucco screen ultrasound when I saw his mouth opening and closing. I loved watching his movements. I wish that ultrasound could have been recorded for me.
I read that babies are practicing breathing for when their lungs fully develop. Would Jacob have gasped for air in his final moments in my womb? I knew that I'd have to ask my doctor how he died. It was something I had to know. The guilt still pummeled me. Even though women of any age can have babies withTrisomy 13, it is more common for older women. Me. My age could have hurt my poor baby. No woman wants to think that anything she did or didn't do could have harmed her baby.
The rest of Saturday was a full of headaches. I finally broke down, called a pharmacist and asked what kind of sinus medicine I should take since I figured out that my headaches were largely sinus related. Do you know that it has been over 6 years since I'd taken sinus medication? Seriously. Because I was either pregnant or nursing, I suffered through colds, sinus problems, allergies, you name it. You can't take those types of medications when you're pregnant or nursing. It was almost comical that night as I kept reading the medication box over and over. I think it's a good thing that I found humor in laughing at myself. It helped to chase the day's storm cloud away.
The boys love a Winne the Pooh episode where Tigger insults a cloud and the cloud follows him everywhere. It finds him when he's sleeping. It hovers over him soaking him with rain and grey shadows. That's how I felt all day. A big grey cloud was following me hour after hour. I wished I could have solved my problem as easily as Tigger had--all he had to do was to apologize to the cloud! At least my medication quandary helped to finally lighten my mood around midnight.
So,Saturday, November 6 was one of those 'heavy days'. Unending tears, hunched shoulders and my head bent low. I'm happy to say that things haven't been that rough since that day. I've had up and down days and I'll keep you informed of the clouds and the moments when sunshine peaks through to warm my heart.
Keep a look out for the sunshine, it really is there even if it's just a little ray. One little ray can sometimes brighten a whole room.
I welcome your comments and am so grateful for all of you who read this. I've heard from several of you through the last few weeks through Facebook. I had no idea that my words could touch anyone or even possibly someday help someone, although it's been my hope since I started writing. I knew that I needed to do this for me, but was truly hoping that I could reach someone else. Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement. They have helped me get through these dark times.
Until next time my friends,
Kim
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)