This wasn't what I was going to do. I was coming by the computer to turn it off and to go to bed. But I had to jot a quick note.
Without going into much, let's just say that today was a crusher, draining, exhausting and emotionally very upsetting--again. More crummy test results from my RE--ovulation either didn't happen or was lousy--it's hard to understand. Period still hasn't started yet. Yes, according to the nurse Clomid can extend my cycle. Who knows. When I asked her if that meant that I more than likely was not pregnant, her reply was, "Never say never. We've seen everything here." Okay, whatever that means.
After I was hit with the additional still-in-the-same ballpark bad news mid-afternoon, my day plummeted. All of that energy and drive I had throughout the last week was gone. My still hopeful spirit felt heavy and like it was sinking. I spent time researching Clomid, fertility drugs, high FSH, you name it--I looked it up. The day has just about stunk all around. The tears I couldn't shed last night at seeing my negative pregnancy test? Oh boy, they fell today...and hard...and often.
And then at our folk dance practice tonight, at what I had hoped would be a stress-reducing event, turned out to be a night full of kids running amok while their parents didn't intervene. I couldn't concentrate on my dancing and left even more stressed and down then when I had arrived.
More tears.
Well, at some point I put Benny to bed and he asked for a song but said he wouldn't sing with me this time. He was 'canky' (that would be cranky) as he explained his mood to me and why he didn't want to sing as he usually did at night. I said I'd sing for him anyway and decided to sing 'Silent Night'. Yes, it's a Christmas carol and it's mid-March but hey, I've always loved Christmas carols and they are frequently what I have sung to my boys ever since they were babies.
Benny laid in his crib holding my hand and watching me as I sung. When I was done, Sammy came in the room and asked what the song was and could I sing the pretty song again? Benny had started crying and wanted to sing it with me this time (I think he felt bad that he didn't sing the first time since he was cranky). I sang it again, this time holding both boys' hands. Neither boy knew the words but they both tried to sing with me regardless. My voice broke as I heard their sweet voices try to match mine and I did my best to hold it together for them. I closed my eyes, held their hands and just sang. And, for the first time today, I felt a smidgen of peace.
Of course, I have to thank my mom for talking to me for an hour and a half prior to that. She really helped me to start to settle down. Just having her to talk to helped boost my hope back up just a bit. And then topping off that conversation with singing with Sammy & Benny? Well, I think maybe God was giving me a moment of peace and pure love with my boys. Just for that moment, I felt peace.
I'm going to bed now...weary, about to cry again, frustrated, confused and wondering how much hope I should still hold on to. I want to unplug my phone so I don't hear from any more doctors. I want to think about my baby Jacob who lives in my heart and in Heaven...I want to dream about him tonight. And I want to forget about things while I hopefully can sleep some.
Hoping for a silent and peaceful night...and dreams.
Kim
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