In the midst of all of this fertility chaos and stress, I wanted to share something that happened to me about six weeks ago and literally right before all of this stuff with my cyst, fertility tests and RE appointments. I've been thinking about it over the last few weeks and smile at the timing.
It was the second week of February and we had just finished dinner. Alex and I were still sitting at the dining room table discussing who knows what and the boys were playing. Alex had left the table and within a milisecond I had a sudden thought leap into my head--Jacob. It literally just appeared out of nowhere---we hadn't been discussing him, we weren't talking about doctors, absolutely nothing related to him. At this time too, I hadn't learned of my cyst yet, nor had I started any fertility testing.
But there it was as plain as day. Jacob. I remember that it came on so fast. I remember feeling a warm feeling, something like comfort, happiness and just...warmth. It's really hard to describe it. I smiled like a woman who just received a wonderful surprise and thought to myself, "Is that you Jacob? Are you here with Mommy?"
Now let me stop here and say that I don't know a lot about angels or things like that. I believe they exist but am not up to speed on the topic enough to say how they operate, when, with whom, etc. I cannot tell you though how happy I felt in those few moments. I was so happy. It was the weirdest thing and definitely out of the ordinary. Who knows if it really was my little angel baby visiting me or perhaps just an association of good feelings? I don't know. All I know is that it was an out of the blue warm and joyous feeling that caused me to stop what I was doing and just feel, to just feel what was happening at that time.
It only lasted a few moments that evening but I remember grinning a lot to myself that night. I haven't told Alex about it yet and have pretty much just kept it as a private treasure until sharing it now. The night following that experience I had a similar feeling but not as sudden as the first time it happened. And that was it, it was primarily just that one day, maybe two days that I felt him. I felt something wonderful. I may not know exactly what it was but it was the sweetest feeling, that's the only and best way I can describe it. It was a pure, sweet and loving feeling.
With all that's been going on, I've found myself often reflecting back over the last few weeks. I can't believe how much has happened and in some ways how much my life has changed since my initial March 3 visit with my RE. That was the beginning of the mega-fertility stress. And of course, right before then was the cyst pain and my trip to the ER. Lots of fun in the last several weeks. How funny about the timing of things. My experience with Jacob was just a few days before my cyst and all of the agony over fertility and my future of having a baby.
Some people say we see what we want to see. Someone might say, "Well, she probably just wanted to think of her baby and feel like he was there with her." Who knows. It doesn't bother me or offend me. Of course I think of my precious Jacob often but mostly those thoughts are intentional and direct, not as spontaneous as that evening in my dining room was.
Perhaps God was sending me a little pat on the shoulder giving me a joyous feeling in my heart about my son. Perhaps it really was my little angel fluttering around and warming my heart. Perhaps it was just a random thought that surfaced from somewhere in my mind. What it was exactly isn't important. What is though is what it did for me that day and what I've taken from it since then. I'd like to think that God did indeed have a hand in it and that maybe, just maybe He sent Jacob to me to say a sweet hello. Whatever happened that evening, I am grateful for it. I am touched at the timing of it. I'd like to think that it happened right before the last several weeks of emotional pain to give me a foundation of love, warmth...and possibly hope? Something to let me know that I wasn't alone in this?
Whatever the reason my sweet little baby just leapt into my head that night, the fact is that he did. All I care about is that he was there. He's with me daily but for that wondrous moment he was really, truly with me. It's a feeling that I cherish and wanted to write about in an effort to help me through this rough and uncertain time.
My sweet baby Jacob...how much mama loves you and will always love you. You may not live here with your brothers but you are my son whom I treasure as much as them. I am so thankful that I carried you for those 13 weeks. I am so very thankful. How I loved seeing you on the ultrasound. Every move, every flicker of your heartbeat melted my heart. You were a gift to me that I cherish and always will. Thank you for smiling at mama and for giving me that moment of calm before the storm.
With warm thoughts of my baby angel Jacob, I wish loving, joyous and peaceful thoughts to all of you, my friends!