I had planned to do so much more tonight...I'm behind on my blog, I have the month of October to keep prepping for--so much to do to remember my sweet little Jacob as well as all babies lost.
Well, I'll keep this quick. I found a video tonight that had me sobbing. I hadn't cried this hard since the night of my D&C when I found the beautifully written, "Still", by Gerritt Hofsnik (too late to look up spelling, sorry if I got his name wrong). His song captured my tragic feelings of loss so wonderfully nearly one year ago.
Oh, I cry a lot at the beautiful babyloss videos out there...kinda hard not to. But this one, wow. This one really had me in gut-wrenching sobs every time that I watched it--you know, the kind that shake your whole body? Thankfully, I don't have that type very often.
What is this song that moved me in so many ways? Please check out the link below. The song is called, "Hug Him For Me Now" and the song is by Erica McClure.
I miss my Jacob so much. I'm sure it's the anxiety of his one-year angelversary building. The words to this song are beyond beautiful--they reveal every emotion that I've felt for my son...all of the sorrow, the dreams and the joy at seeing him again some day.
The joy...yes, you read that right. Oh, the scene in the video when that part is sung had me holding my arms open wide! Whenever my time comes to go to our Heavenly Home, you can bet I'll be running with my arms open wide first to our Lord and Savior who brought me to everlasting peace and then to my sweet little angel, Jacob. What a sweet embrace that will be!
Thank you, Lord, for being with me on every step of this journey. Even tonight, I believe God was here with me in my study while I was finding this video. Want to hear of a miracle? Well, it's close enough for me.
I stumbled on this video through a babyloss page on Facebook. It hooked me and I loved it. I tried to save it to my favorites on YouTube. I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't save. Then, I realized that somehow I was logged out. My husband! ARGH! He must have logged me out at some point--usually I just stay logged in and don't frequent YouTube so don't think about it much.
Well, wouldn't you know I couldn't remember my password. I tried everything. I probably tried TOO many things. I was locked out! I then tried everything I could to reset my password but for some reason it just wouldn't do it. I searched all through help. Finally and at this point in a very agitated state, I found a link to email someone with my question.
By this time I had remembered my password. Duh, how could I have forgotten it?? And of course, YouTube still had me locked out. I also now realized that I use the same information for my blog and started to panic. What if they reset my password but somehow it still wouldn't work? What if my blog was messed up and I couldn't get in to that? Not now! Oh, please not this close to Jacob's one year angelversary! I need my blog and am going to need it so much in this next month, especially.
I wrote the tech people and tried to clearly explain my dilemma--please unlock my account but don't reset my password. I sent the email to who knows where and kept checking for a response but got nothing.
You can imagine my mood. I went from highly emotional in a sad and missing my baby way to angry at the computer to scared that my blog would be ruined. Talk about a rollercoaster that I wasn't planning on riding tonight.
I quickly went back to the video and shared it with one of my facebook babyloss groups. It's so beautiful that I had to share it somewhere. I hopped around for a bit more, scanning other posts and decided I needed to go to bed. I felt drained and unmotivated. I felt sad and just wanted to crawl into bed and hug Jacob's giraffe.
Then. I clicked on the link one more time for one final good cry before bed...and somehow I ended up on YouTube with my USERNAME LOGGED IN! I sat here dumbfounded for a minute. All of my favorites were there--the beautiful tributes to babies lost, every single one of them!
How could this be? Could the YouTube tech person have gotten my email, and unlocked the system that quickly even though they never wrote back to me? But then...I never logged back in! My name and account just popped up as if I had, but I hadn't.
I believe God did this. Maybe he had the tech support people somehow make everything how it was and with me logged in, I don't know. However it happend, I know He did it. Maybe that's my hug from Him tonight...thank you, Lord. Thank you for something so small that meant so much to me tonight.
Enjoy this beautiful video, my friends. Drifting off here soon with these words in my heart...
"But Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good;
But Jesus I was wondering
if you would...
Hug him once for me?..."
Sending momma's hug to Heaven tonight to my baby Jacob...