Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob

Friday, September 2, 2011

An Overwhelmingly Sad Day

Well, I'm back.  And it's late.  What's new?  I'm always the late-night poster. :)  That's probably because it's the only time I have free time to write. 

I'm sorry for the lengthy delay in responding.  Been a fast, furious and fatiguing several weeks. 

Will keep this post short so I can try to get to bed for at least a bit...before we head out of town tomorrow.

Today was rough.  I've been thinking a lot lately about so many women I've met in the Baby Loss Community--both online and in person.  They are such beautiful, compassionate and supportive women.  We all share a common bond--the loss of a baby.  Today for some reason and more than normal, I was feeling their losses, I was looking at pictures of their babies at various ages when they passed away and I even saw a picture of a little boy who may have looked like Jacob did when he died at 13 weeks in my womb.  What a sweet little baby...so tender, so innocent...just like my Jacob.

And then right before dinner, I saw a note that a woman in one of our facebook baby loss communities was right then in labor to deliver her son who died two days prior.  I couldn't believe it.  Yes, we know this stuff happens all the time but how often do we know right when it's happening?  Here I was sitting down to dinner with my boys, about to eat teriyaki chicken and I couldn't stop thinking of what this woman was going through.  My heart still goes out to her and her family.  Just yesterday she had posted a question about not feeling her baby move for the last day or so. I, along with so many others, advised her to go to the doctor and not to wait.  I know we all held her in our prayers as we hoped that the baby was okay.

On a personal note, earlier I had to reschedule my blood test for next week.  Actually I had to push it back--just what every woman who is trying to conceive wants to do, you know?  My nurse wants to make sure we don't catch my trigger shot like we did last time (I'll have to fill you in later).  So I still have another week left to wait.  I can't even cheat and take a home pregnancy test because it will just pick up the hcg in my system from the shot so no go there.  Patience, patience and more patience. 

Can I be honest?  Part of me is horribly scared.  What if?  What if this time things somehow were to work?  I will have to give more details to catch you up on this latest round of fertility treatments in a day or so...but let's just pretend things do work.  I've known that even if I get a positive it's a long, scary road with an unknown destination.  Maybe I'll never get that chance to go down that road again, I don't know.  Would I stop trying because I don't want to take that path?  Nope.  I can't do that.  I don't know.  It's just so scary knowing that I may make it even farther than 13 weeks only to lose another baby.  And yet, even though I am well aware of this, I have to keep trying until there are no options left.

My hope and prayer is simple.  If I do get pregnant again that I can 1) be strong enough to get through whatever happens with God's help, and that of my friends and family and 2) that I will celebrate each and every day with that baby with joy, hope and love...no matter how short or long that time may be.   Joy, lots and lots of joy.  That's what I want.  I want to share that joy with all of you if I'm ever able.

Do you know that's what I still feel about Jacob?  Joy.  I think today may have been when I found out that I was pregnant last year.  It's got to be getting close but since I'm not organized enough to find last year's calendar right now all I can do is to go by gut feelings and timing.  I remember the shock and joy I felt at finally becoming pregnant again!  I still feel that joy for my son.  I love him dearly.  I would not have changed anything that happened (well, of course that he lived)...but even though he left us, I know he is happy and so loved in Heaven.  Just knowing I have him waiting there for me brings me such comfort.  He lives in my heart too...always.

For some reason the tears fell a bit more freely than normal today.  Perhaps because I was overwhelmed by the grief that others have been suffering, maybe having 3 "slower than normal" days in my life allowed feelings to surface that I normally keep buried under all of my busyness, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what caused my off and on sadness today.  Who knows, if this hcg in my system mimics pregnancy symptoms as I'm told it does, that might explain my mood too.  I know it definitely has knocked me on my butt fatigue-wise just like last month.

That would also explain my absence from writing--too plain tired to write at 3:00 AM! :) 

Well, friends just wanted to let you know I'm still here, my blog is still here and I have lots and lots to write about!  I must tell you to end on a happy note how much I am looking forward to the month of October.  I've dubbed that, "Jacob's month", and have all sorts of things planned--from my blog, to our day to remember him, to things I will be doing to honor my sweet baby who is waiting for me in Heaven.  I really am looking forward to a month-long celebration of his short, yet special time here on this earth.  I hope you'll join me in celebrating him.

With joy in my heart for my Jacob,

Kim :)

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