It's hard to back up your talk

Funny how after I wrote my posts from a week ago, I was feeling optimistic, joyful.  I was full of hope, just like I wrote about in my Christmas stories this year. 

And then.

Crash.  Plummet. 

I took an early pregnancy test on New Year's Eve.  It was negative.  Another test two days later was negative too.  And then all was confirmed when my period started.  I was so hopeful that maybe...just maybe something worked this time.  I called it, "round two", following my D&C.  Well, round two failed.   And I was pretty down about it--right on New Year's too.  Guess that wasn't such a good idea to take a test on that date.

When you think of 'hope', isn't it much easier to think about it when you feel there is a chance?  I think women who are trying to conceive feel a bit more hopeful at certain times in the month.  There's even a time when you try not to watch each day tick closer and closer to the day when you find out...but you do and because you hope that perhaps "it" worked.  And while you're hoping you try to battle the fears and doubts that sneak in.  For me, I've found that it helps to distract myself during this time.  And then as soon as it's okay to take an early test, I grab it and do it.  For me it's better to get an idea early on rather than to drive myself nuts waiting and waiting.  If the test comes back negative, it helps me in some bizarre way to decrease the hope that I was feeling.  To face reality.  Or rather to let it smack me in the face. 

It is such a tug of war.  Hope, no hope.  While it's easier sometimes to not want to be hopeful (as I do when I take an early test), it's not what I want in the long run.  I want to hope.  I need to hope that if it didn't work this time, maybe it will work next time.  But does hoping then make it more painful for me when things don't work? 

So I took the test on New Year's Eve and felt my emotions just plummet to the ground.  The tears started again and they weren't the 'light' tears that I wrote about earlier.  These were big, fat, heavy tears full of sorrow over not conceiving yet and thinking that just two and a half months ago I was indeed carrying a child.  These were gloomy tears that wondered if I would ever get pregnant again.  These were the tears that reminded me how far into my pregnancy I would have been.  How I would have been feeling my little Jacob kick and box at me...and how I would have griped, but loved every minute of it!

This is where I think my struggle will be hardest.  Every month there will come a time when I'll be very optimistic about things.  And then it could all sink around me.  How do I deal with 'hope' during these times?  How do I lift myself up?  It's hard.  All I could do on New Year's was to let myself wallow, feel the pain and to cry... a lot. I had to then wait for my self-pity to lessen so I could try to bounce back.

The other part of hope that I am struggling with is how much hope I should hold on to long term.  My doctor was giving us three months.  We go to see her again on February 2.  We're two months into her time frame.  At my appointment, I think she will put me on some medication and then give us three more months.  That's all.  After that, we'd have to be referred to a specialist.

So out of six attempts before seeing a specialist, we're already down two.  Boy, that's depressing. 

How can someone not panic at this timeline?  Talk about my clock ticking.  It's one thing when you're just laughing about it on your own but it's another when you have medical personnel reminding you that the alarm bell is going off.  So, you're not supposed to panic and be stressed.  Just relax, right?  Sure.  Easier said than done.  You hope that things will work and then you find out they didn't.  And then you see how close you're getting to your final chances.  I don't know much about specialists but I don't think we will be able to afford any of that.  So to me, my chances are slim and becoming slimmer.

As you can tell, I'm engaged in a mental battle right now--where do I put my head?  Hopeful?  Realistic?  Maybe?  Maybe not?  Do I just start adjusting my head to say that I will not be having another baby?  Or do I keep focused on the positive...on hope and say, "I will have another baby, I just don't know when."  As I wrote about when I first described learning of my Jacob's diagnosis, I don't do well with uncertainty.  It's a huge weakness in me.  If I knew for sure that I would indeed get pregnant again but just not know when, then I'd have that to work with.  But I just don't know if it will happen at all.  How do I deal with this?

I still wonder why this all happened.  Why did it take longer to get pregnant with Jacob only to then lose him?  If I wasn't to have a third child, why did I get pregnant at all?  Wouldn't you think that if someone wasn't meant to have any more children, they wouldn't conceive only to lose that child?  Why did my baby make it so long--for 13 weeks--before leaving me?

I feel awful even asking these questions.  I know God has a plan. I just wish he'd let me know what that plan is. 

Well, I obviously have a lot that I need to pray about and to think about.  My head is cluttered with feelings of hope and despair clashing and slamming into one another. 

I guess I'll just keep living my life by the calendar right now and see what happens.  I look forward to learning more at my doctor appointment in a few weeks.  Hopefully that will help to answer more of my questions.  In the meantime I'll also need to keep myself very distracted.  I know I can't dwell on this.  Such a struggle.

Thanks friends for reading my ramblings.  If anyone has gone through something similar and has suggestions for how to get through each month waiting for the test days only to have a single line stare you in the face, please let me know.  I'd appreciate your thoughts.

I hope all of you are off to a great start to your 2011!

Kim