Well, I know I said that I would be posting the next 13 weeks' worth of reflections...and I still am. That post will be in the next day or two. In the meantime, I felt that I needed to take a moment to feel where I am right now, on this day.
It's almost 'the day'. The day when we'll know for 100% sure that things didn't work. I know my period is coming. I can feel the signs. I also feel myself slipping into a moody state. Weepy. I even 'pre-apologized' to Alex last night. "If I get a little cranky & depressed over the next day or two, I want you to know that it's nothing against you. It's just what happens around this time when I see that things failed once again." The signs? Well, weepy for sure. I found myself crying at the end of a book that I read. Now not, bawling or anything like that but happy tears for sure. I normally don't get that emotional over a book so I figure something is up. And then of course today. I looked up stats about Clomid, fertility, age and all of that fun stuff only to have a stray tear or two run down my cheek as I shared what I found out with Alex.
Why all of this now? Well, funny how timing works out. In addition to almost reaching the end of this cycle and starting the next, we go back to the doctor on Wednesday. If everything stays the same as what she told us in November, she will more than likely be putting me on Clomid. Clomid apparently helps with ovulation thereby potentially increasing your chances for conception. I hadn't wanted to jump the gun and research Clomid over the last few months because I knew it would turn me into a nervous wreck. Instead, I just wanted to go through the last three months without any extra worries about what might happen if things didn't work.
Well, since my doctor appointment is so close I decided to research Clomid today. I'm not exactly thrilled with what I found. The statistics are all over the place. For the most part, it looks like Clomid does help some couples conceive but then you throw in things like age and it may or may not help. There are so many downright depressing statistics out there that you almost are better off not knowing. I mean think about it. Aren't there parts of life that are just better not knowing all of the woes that might befall us?? So frustrating.
I was sharing this with Alex, who obviously picked up on my mood. At this point, let me say how very much I love him. He offered me support that I choose to cling too. He reminded me that we have been very successful conceiving at the later ages. I had Sam three weeks before I turned 35. I had Benny when I was 37. And, I got pregnant with Jacob WHEN I was 40. Alex's point was that we should hold on to OUR history and stats, not necessarily the generic stats for the population. Our history. Wow. That really helps me to shake off some of the misery that I was starting to feel.
That and the fact that we discussed if we would be so lucky again to conceive and have a child, we'd be happy with either a boy or a girl. I know that both of us would love a little girl. It was so sweet to hear Alex say that. I could just picture him totally doting on our little daughter...loving our little girl like a truly wonderful daddy should. But then we laughed about having another boy. Another little boy to add to the mix---more blue, more trucks, more rough-housing...ah, what a household we'd have!
Well, friends. I guess I just had to get this off of my chest. I just think sometimes I should stay off of the Internet. Forget the research. Let my heart and my faith lead. If what happened to Jacob was supposedly so incredibly rare, then who knows....maybe rare stats are good for me and maybe I'll get pregnant again...despite how dismal the statistics make it seem at this age. I truly am working on strengthening my faith. I want to believe so much that God let us get pregnant with Jacob to show us to hold on to hope. That it will come again. I just have to have faith.
Wishing for you a day of faith today...
Kim
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