Last Friday.
I gave Sam my standard hug and "I love you!" before letting him take that first big step up onto the school bus. The bus driver gave me a cheery "Have a good weekend!" and a smile and I stepped back to look for my baby in the first-seat window. He smiled at me, waved and gave me a 'heart'--our hand-shaped gesture of love. I returned the gesture by blowing a kiss, waving and giving him my 'heart'.
Only as the bus started to slowly roll away did I see the little girl who always sits behind Sammy. She waved at me too. And she curled her fingers into a heart-shape against the glass. My smile widened and I waved more for her.
After watching the bus go around the corner, I turned to walk back up the driveway. And it was then that the tears started flowing. I'd held them in since this morning and during the last few days of uncertainty but now they weren't taking no for an answer. Seeing that little girl wave and give me a 'heart' was just too much. Why on today of all days had this little girl chosen to wave and share with me such a loving gesture that Sammy & I do for each other? She'd never before done this. I don't even know who she is.
I went back into the house and crawled into bed with my younger son to take a nap. I sobbed as I thought about her sweet gesture and about the little girl we would probably never have.
This last round of fertility treatments was probably the hardest on me. Not only physically, but also emotionally as well. For the first time ever, I actually thought I might be pregnant. I didn't just hope I might be, I actually thought I was based on what I had been feeling as far as physical symptoms. Turns out it was all fake--well, real in that the symptoms were real but fake in that they were caused by the stupid shots and not by an actual pregnancy.
Three or four weeks ago. When this cycle started I was feeling optimistic just like I normally did. I knew that things could go one way or another but was hopeful that perhaps this time since we were trying IUI, we might just sway things in the positive direction a bit. So I took my Femara on Days 3-7. I went into the RE's office to have my ultrasound done on day 9. This was pretty early for me since I normally go in on day 10 but with day 10 being a Sunday we went in early in the hopes of not missing my ovulation.
My day 9 ultrasound showed that the follicles weren't ready to trigger yet. Even though they told me this was normal, I was a bit worried. I always ovulated early. The nurse scheduled me for a second ultrasound on Monday, I think it was. This time when I went in the follicles were closer to the size they needed to be. I was told to do my trigger shot on Tuesday night and that our IUI would be Thursday morning.
Just in case it might help, we had been trying on our own off and on throughout the weekend and then even on their suggested schedule of Tuesday night. I don't think I slept at all Wednesday evening. I had no idea of what to expect for the procedure. It cracks me up now to think about how nervous I was for something so simple but when you are in the dark about something it can be pretty frightening to think about.
Thursday, about two or three weeks ago. Alex's part went well. I guess that's how you word it? :) He went in early that morning, did his thing and came back to get us. My procedure was supposed to be at 9:45 but they didn't get to me until almost 10:15! I was trying not to panic about the time seeing as how my son was supposed to catch his bus at 11:49!
The doctor came in with the nurse and they had me sign paperwork--this is me, that's my hubby's sperm, yup, yup. Then my RE, whom I very rarely see and have much conversation with, asked me to look at the number on the form. I read it aloud as he asked me to. Well, that number was my hubby's sperm count. Apparently it was not just good but off the charts good! My RE said that they very rarely see someone what that many sperm. I laughed and said I'd have to tell my husband he did well. We all joked for a few minutes and I ended with, "Well, it's too bad this can't help me any." My RE said, "Well, actually it can. Sometimes when we have one partner who is deficient (that would be me), if the other has something like this, it might just help make up for the deficiency."
Wow. That was the first GOOD news I had ever heard come out of my RE's mouth. He was the same guy who painted that awfully gloomy picture of black for us back in March. Now even if my hubby's super sperm (that's what I've dubbed it) give me even a half of a half of a half of a percent increase in our chances, well, I'll take it. I take all of the good news I can in this journey.
So. The procedure ended up being relatively painless to which I was grateful. The nurse had said I may feel my uterus contracting or something like that and period-like cramping. Nope. Didn't feel a thing! My cervix wasn't tipped or anything--it was in a perfect position which made the doc's job even easier. The worst part was probably the speculum but we all know how much fun that is anyway. After a few minutes I was handed a timer and told to lie flat for 7 minutes. Wow. That was it.
Luckily we made it home in time for Sammy to catch his bus and this was the first time Daddy was there to see him off too. For the rest of the day I felt fine and was thankful that the procedure had been so painless and easy to move forward from.
That night I went to my folk dance group and danced for 3.5 hours! I loved it. It was truly like I needed to be there. The music just carried me away and allowed me to stop thinking of dates and times and schedules--pills, shots, intercourse. I could just be in the moment.
With the first two weeks of my cycle out of the way I felt like a lot of pressure had been lifted. What I was into now was the "tww" which stands for "two week wait." For those of you not in the baby loss community, did you even think of all of the acronyms that are out there? The "tww" is just one of many! So here I was in the my two week wait and I actually felt better knowing that I had done everything I could at that point and that again, it was in God's hands. I felt a lot of relief.
Tuesday following my IUI. That Tuesday, about 5-6 days later, I had some strong crampy feelings. My first thought was that my period was going to be coming soon. Again I called my RE and they said what they told me the previous month, based on the timing, it could be early PMS or possibly implantation cramping. Wouldn't you know that I had to go look that up again? I keep telling myself to stay off of the computer. Stop looking up pregnancy symptoms. But no, I had to go yet again and found out that implantation can occur as early as 5-6 days past ovulation all the way up to 12 days past. Wow. So I was in that ballpark for my pain. Hmm.
That was the last symptom that I felt. No spotting which I had had before. No other ideas that my period was coming. And so the hope slowly began to build.
One week ago. As I entered into my final week of the "tww" I kept trying not to think about my test date. I also noticed that I was developing more strange symptoms that are totally unlike me. Remember last cycle where I was about flattened by the fatigue? Turns out that was caused by my second shot--since it's the pregnancy hormone, it causes actual symptoms of pregnancy--like extreme fatigue.
Not only was I feeling extreme fatigue this time but also stomach troubles. Lots of gas. Not like you care to know that but boy, it didn't matter what I ate, it was not settling well in my tummy. I just figured my stomach was out of whack about something and tried not to think about it.
Tuesday, one week ago. That Tuesday of my 4th week I developed a new symptom that REALLY threw me. Heartburn. I had to go look up those symptoms because to tell the truth, I really wasn't sure that's what it was. I normally never have heartburn/acid reflux/whatever and only got it when I was pregnant with all of my boys. Upon reading of how heartburn is triggered in early pregnancy by the pregnancy hormone and other hormones loosening some flap between your stomach and esophagus, I thought--well, that makes sense. Huh.
The heartburn settled down a bit but my nauseous feelings continued off and on for the next few days. I had to have my pregnancy test pushed back all the way to last Friday instead of Wednesday. I caught their error and called them and they realized they had scheduled my test too early. Last time it took forever for me to get the hcg shot out of my body so I had to be re-tested. They were trying to avoid that this time.
The other significant thing about that Tuesday was that it was day 26 of my cycle. My cycles are typically 25 days long and I should have gotten my period that day for sure...or even earlier. But, no period. Hmm. Home pregnancy test was positive although I knew that I was still within the 10-day window of my second shot and that I was picking up the hcg. That's okay. I figured I'd keep testing until it went negative...or perhaps stayed positive.
Wednesday, just last week. The day my dreams started to fall. Spotting that evening. I remember saying, "Oh God, no! Please no!" as I stared at the toilet paper. It was just a faint pinkish-tannish but I knew in my gut what it meant. My period was coming. Another brand of home testing showed a negative. Another major punch in the gut. That night I had to buy my original brand of test. Even though I knew my period was coming, I was desperately holding on to hope that maybe it wasn't. The original test was back to positive. Talk about a yo-yo of emotions building in the past few days.
This day had to have been the worst that I have felt since losing Jacob last October. After I got the negative test and the slight spotting, I went and sat at the dining room table. I just stared out of the window for a few minutes. I didn't have much more time but took just a few minutes to do nothing. It felt almost like a death. I really thought, not for sure, but thought that I might just actually be pregnant and all of those bizzare symptoms that I had felt might actually be do to a pregnancy.
Then I felt stupid. I felt like I had been suckered in by this whole thing and that I fell prey to it. I hated feeling like that. I wanted to be stronger than that.
Thursday, just last week and one day from official test day. More spotting that night. Home test still showing a faint positive line. Tried to prepare myself for the official news. I felt it. I knew Wednesday that things weren't good. The nurse said some women bleed all throughout their pregnancy and it's normal. I knew and hoped that if I was pregnant, I would fear what the bleeding would mean. Either way, it wasn't looking good in my mind.
I also had to call my nurse today to figure out what on earth to do...if my period started and when, or if it didn't. Their phones don't open until 8:30 and my appointment was scheduled for then. It's all timing.
Last Friday morning. No "flow" yet. I had been told to come in if I didn't have flow (heavy bleeding) or to call and reschedule for an ultrasound if I did. The nurse drawing my blood told me my period should have started by now. I was like, Geez, please don't get my hopes up any more. It's coming. It's probably coming today.
Ready for another yo-yo? One of my regular nurses came into talk with me for some reason after the other nurse did my blood draw. First she scolded me for taking home tests when I knew the hcg would still be in my system from the shot. I have no clue why she did this because it's not like I was whining or worrying or even said anything about it. I thought, "What do you care?" I was actually very matter-of-fact in knowing my period was coming. I was simply reporting to them what I had found because they asked if I tested at home. Duh.
My nurse even clarified that perhaps the shot hcg went out of my system (hence the faint positive line) and then my own would build back up and that home tests might pick this up if they were sensitive enough to indeed pick it up. Apparently the one test I used is awesome and super sensitive. Good to know. Maybe.
And then my nurse did something awful. She crushed my dreams. Stomped all over them. Left them in pieces there in the blood draw room. If the cramping, spotting, impending period news and negative pregnancy test weren't all enough to throw at me on top of the last week of building hope and actually feeling pregnant, she thought she'd hit me with a lot more.
She started counting how many rounds of this treatment plan I'd been doing and said that I would have to take this next round off and meet with the doctor to discuss my options at this point. She leaned on the counter and said, "We're fighting that low AMH score with you. You just aren't making a lot of eggs and that signifies diminished ovarian reserve." No kidding, really?? Do you think I've forgotten how abysmal my scores are?? Must you remind me?? And on a day like today??? She went through the one option of injectables if the doc would go that route but said she just didn't know.
So I leave the RE's office feeling more crampy and more down than ever. I truly felt like my nurse's little speech was more of a getting ready to "kick me to the curb" speech than anything else. I know my options are limited. Oh sure, there's maybe IVF which we can't afford. And who could forget egg donation? Sure. I have $20K in my pocket right now for that. Yup.
I fought tears as I went back to the car to relay all of this to Alex. He suggested we start looking for another doc to work with. A second opinion. The sky over me was getting more and more gloomy. It was so hard getting Sammy ready for school. He noticed my mood and asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?" I sat on the driveway with him waiting for the bus and told him I was sad because the doctor said it was hard for me to have a baby. He said, "Oh," and hugged me. Just the other day he was talking about where we'd put his baby's sister's car seat in the car. Out of the blue.
And then the bus came. Sammy and I gave our 'hearts' to each other...and then the little dark-haired girl in the seat behind him made that special shape that my sons and I share. Why had she chosen this day of all of days to do the same gesture to some other little boy's mommy? It was too much. It was as if seeing her do that shoved the pain of not ever having another baby, let alone a little girl, even deeper into my heart. And that's when I cried. Finally. After all week of holding back, I cried for the lost that I felt thinking I had been pregnant. And I cried for the lack of another chance--for the extinguishing of hope.
To be continued....
Kim
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Showing posts with label pregnancy symptoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy symptoms. Show all posts
Monday, September 12, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
So Desperate to Hope...and Yet So Afraid
Does anyone else know where the summer has gone? Wow, it sure has flown by here. It's so hard to think back to just one month ago when it was the 4th of July and we were celebrating the Red, White and Blue...and, when I was agonizing over what those colors were like for me at that time.
Where to start? What's happened in the last few weeks? I've been bouncing all over the place. Not just physically, but also mentally.
My last cycle was only 19 days long. I had no warning, my period just started and way too early! I was told by the nurses that cycle length varies due to fertility medications so I tried not to worry about it. I also figured that since I had a cyst, that may have thrown things off a bit, who knows.
Well, with my cycles that close together it's not like there is a lot of time for planning and preparations. Wham, bam, boom. Another cycle. Decisions to be made. Doctor appointments to cram in and money to be found...or not. Stress levels start rising with the start of each period.
Amazingly, all of my woes and worries for when this last cycle would start were put to rest when my period started at the last possible date that it could have prior to our trip to Washington, D.C. It allowed me to schedule my baseline ultrasound for early Wednesday morning. Alex had just returned to town on Monday evening from an extended drill weekend in Kentucky, went to work on Tuesday and came to pick us up at my mom's that evening and then to return to Dayton late that night.
It was a short night for me Tuesday, and we all got up early to go to my doctor appointment for my ultrasound. Good news--my cyst had shrunk--and I had 8 follicles! Wow! I don't know when I've had that many. Of course, I knew they may not all grow but it was kind of neat hearing that I had that many.
We ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up my Femara prescription which I was to start taking that night. And, after about another hour to finish adding my hubby's stuff to our already crammed van (we had packed the boys' toys, clothes, etc. as well as mine the night before at my mom's), we finally set off for D.C.
Our trip to Washington, D.C. was a bit longer than we thought. I think it was like 14 hours or something like that. I don't remember for sure but it was getting difficult in the wee hours. We had one major delay with the van that slowed us down. We were somewhere in some rural mountains and realized the back hatch wouldn't open. Alex had to crawl into the back from the front. This meant slithering over tons of stuff on what was one of those extreme heat days a few weeks back (remember how most of the country was in triple digits with severe heat warnings?) in order to pull out Mary, our old terrier. She was in a cage in the back of the van and was now stuck. I knew we still had several hours to go and didn't want to risk leaving her back there without a potty break or water so Alex braved the piles and stacks and crawled back out over the boys' seats with Mary in his arms. I then rode with her at my feet up front for the rest of the trip.
It wasn't only that delay which added to our lengthy trip. It was also the path we took. Coming from Dayton, we soon found that most of our drive was through mountains! And tons of them! Curves, sneaky paths, twisting and turning up and down the hills made for a slower and more cautious drive than if we had been on straight roads.
Well, our trip to D.C. was great. Alex's conference went extremely well and we even managed 2 days to sight see during the heatwave. Everyone had a great time. But, Alex & I were whooped in the end. We drove back to my mom's in Seville to pick up another dog that she was babysitting for us. We laid over that night and took off for Dayton the next day.
If you've been mentally calculating the days in my cycle you'd see that we should be somewhere nearing our "window" in this cycle. Well, try facing that window when you're tired and then frustrated because you're tired. I wish I could say that for me it as all because I was just tired but it wasn't just that. I think going into this cycle I was crabby. The last cycle with the cyst was 'non-existent' for the most part. I was doubtful and had a "great attitude" going into this round. Several times I thought to myself, "Why even bother? Why am I putting myself through all of this? It won't work anyway."
Consequently, I wasn't as focused on the task at hand as much as I should have been. I was like, "Eh...whatever." And then I'd beat myself up for feeling like that and thought, "Why would God give you a baby with a terrible attitude like this?" One night Alex & I even got into a fight prior to our "window". That's really great, huh? I was mad because he was tired and because I always have to remind him of the dates and timing. He was mad simply because he was tired and who knows what else. We had a pretty serious discussion about making this a priority and ways to make sure that dates are cleared as much as possible, etc. Thankfully, we cleared the air and resumed with the work at hand. I can only wonder how many other couples feel the stress and get into similar arguments? So very difficult.
I hate to say it but we didn't even hit all of our windows this last round. I felt terrible. My nurse told me not to fret about the exact timing and that we hit the most critical. I tried to shake off my frustration, held on to the fact that we did do the most critical windows and looked forward to starting over with this next cycle approaching.
And then suddenly, I noticed how extremely tired I was over the weekend. I mean, I was pooped. I was beyond pooped. It was terrible. It was so hard to get things done. I didn't think anything of it until that Sunday right after supper when I felt myself entering a yawning marathon. Even Alex noticed my exhaustion and said how unlike me that was. I'd like to think that normally I'm pretty hearty! I can get by on little sleep when I have to or when insomnia hits. I somehow find the rest when I need it and build myself back up. But this time I just couldn't get caught up.
It was then that I remembered something my nurse told me when I got my trigger shot on Day 10. She said something about the shot containing the pregnancy hormone, progesterone, and that it causes pregnancy symptoms in some women--one of them being tiredness. A-HA! Maybe that was it? But why don't I remember being this tired the one other time I had the shot? With that question on my mind, I drifted off quite easily that night.
A chat with my nurse on Monday confirmed that more than likely it was the progesterone making me tired. Follow that up with ANOTHER shot that day and more Zzz..... on the way for me. Supposedly it takes 10 days for the progesterone to get out of your system so I still have another 2 days to wait it out. Unless....
And this is where the title of my blog comes in. Hope. Why, oh why, oh WHY did I have to have this tiredness symptom of pregnancy this cycle? I know that more than likely, what I've been feeling has been simply a side effect of the Ovidrel shot but I would be lying if part of me didn't stop more than once and wonder, what if? Could I be this tired because maybe something did work this round? Maybe I could just be pregnant??? Probably not...but possibly??? Why wasn't I this tired before? Even after the first shot I don't remember being this tired at all. Maybe you can react differently each time, I don't know.
Another step towards Hope. My progesterone test on Thursday of last week came back really good. My level was a 40. Previously my other two tests were in the low 20s. Obviously the second shot probably had something to do with this but still, they told me that I had a really good ovulation and that the second shot was supporting what the body does naturally to support an egg being implanted if it was fertilized. Why can't the dumb test TELL you that though?
Even though I totally don't understand the necessity of testing one's progesterone every treatment cycle, here's what I'm walking away with:
1. Maybe it's how it was in school--high school or something like that--where an A was an A. It didn't matter if you barely made it with a 90/92 or 94 or if you totally aced it with a 98. If you had an A, you had an A. As long as your progesterone score is above 15, that's good and that's it.
2. I'm very THANKFUL that the medication is working and that I AM having good ovulations! If that is something that some women struggle with in conceiving, then I need to recognize that and be thankful that I am having good ovulations. Take time to thank God for all that I can.
So what do I do about Hope? Part of me so desperately wants to think that maybe, just maybe, my tiredness is a result of possibly being pregnant. And if my progesterone score shows a good level, than that's really good. Oh, but the inner battle! I told myself I wasn't going to let myself do this again. And here I am watching every strange symptom that my body shows and wondering about it. I'm finding myself frustrated at my hope and fearing a major letdown in a few days. You see, I don't think I've felt this hopeful in awhile and coming off of my 19 day cyst cycle and then the start of this one with my "give up" attitude, I'm ready for a little optimism. In fact, I need it. I'm clinging to it. I'm desperate for it!
Hope is one of those things that I think we all need. Without it, our lives have no sense of 'maybes', 'what ifs' or 'could bes'. They are simply what we stare at every day with no thought of anything different in the future. But when we dare to hope, we are setting are selves up for the potential of what we want not coming to be. The risk is huge. We hope that our marriages will work out. We hope that our spouses will live to be a ripe old age with us. We hope that our family will stay healthy and happy. We hope that we will continue to have a job in a crummy economy. We hope and yet we know that things could fall through in an instant.
No one knows this more than a parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, still birth or infant loss. I have heard of so many mothers who fear that the child born after the child they lost, may not make it. The stories are the same--these women get up throughout the night to make sure their child is still breathing. I do that every night. I think I always have, actually, but since losing Jacob last fall, I feel like I watch over Sammy and Benny even more sometimes. It's hard to explain why, but I think knowing what can happen to those we love makes us more protective.
I know that our attempts to conceive again carry a huge risk. Will we get pregnant? Will we have a miscarriage? How on earth would I make it through 38 weeks???
And yet, despite all of my fears, I still cling to hope. I am desperate to hope. I don't think we can exist without it. I know I can't. No matter how tough we want to be. Despite the fact that I want to toughen myself up for what's going to happen in three days, a big part of me doesn't want to. I want to remain vulnerable. I need to if I'm going to have any chance at having another baby. If not, I might as well truly quit right now.
What's coming in a few days? You guessed it. My scheduled pregnancy test at my RE's. I have never before made it to one of these as my period has always come before the scheduled test. Now, despite the fact that frequently my period gives me signs that its coming--spotting, cramping, etc.--watch this time it will lay in wait and perhaps even not start prior to my test leaving me fully open to the test results when my nurse calls sometime Thursday afternoon. Please pray that I'll have the strength to get through that morning if that is indeed what happens! I still can't fathom how I'll keep myself busy enough to not go crazy after my blood test--unless my period comes prior to then.
I'm at day 22...well, actually since it's midnight I can say I'm on day 23 now. Last time my cycle was only 19 days. I don't remember what it was before that. I'm thankful also that I made it past 19 days. That kind of freaked me out a bit having a cycle that short. Every day forward is a good one!
I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days. I know that I'm desperate, truly desperate, to hold on to some hope at this point in my journey. Last night, as we were packing and getting ready to leave my mom's where we had spent the weekend going to a parade and a county fair, I saw a rainbow. Not just a piece of one, but the entire beautiful rainbow reaching from end to end! I couldn't stop looking at it. Even after I ran in the house to get everyone to come look and take pictures, I still found myself watching it fade away and felt...hope. I felt like God was sending me a message to keep holding on. Here we were about to get underway and tackle this busy week that included my blood test. And right before we left, I spotted what I needed to see. A rainbow.
Fellow moms who have lost babies are familiar with this term but others of you reading may not be. Do you know what a "rainbow baby" is? In the Baby Loss Community, this is a term used to describe the baby who comes after the storm--that is our loss of a child--our rainbow. This baby doesn't replace the one we lost, it simply represents the hope that comes again after such a tragedy in our lives.
Could I be carrying my rainbow baby right now? I'm sure the statistics out there say no, and my period might play a mean trick on me this month and start at 5:00 AM Thursday morning or something totally unfair. But, anything is possible. If God wants us to have another baby then all of the statistics in the world mean nada. It could just be so if He makes it so. And, I have to keep reminding myself to hold on to hope even if it doesn't happen this round. Anything is possible.
One more note about rainbows. Several years ago when we lived in Oklahoma, Sammy was only two weeks old when he became colicky. Horribly colicky. He cried all the time. One time I clocked him at over 10 hours straight. I kid you not!! It was terrible. Alex would wear ear plugs to drown out the noise when he'd hold Sam. I can only imagine what the stress levels were in our household that summer of 2006.
On a particularly trying day, I told Alex I needed to clear my head for just a bit. I was a stay-at-home mom still recovering from a c-section with an infection in it. I had a baby who cried all the time and nothing I did would soothe him. I had no break from the non-stop crying. None. I didn't go anywhere ever. I had been crying and had a headache so told Alex I had to go for a walk. Right then. I handed Sammy to him and he took our wailing baby to the computer room and put his earplugs in.
I remember as I left our driveway and got onto the road I could still hear Sammy crying outside!!! I couldn't believe it. That kid sure had some lungs on him! It was a light rain at the time and I didn't have an umbrella but I didn't care. I just had to get out of the house for just a few moments. I wanted to extend my walk and keep going at one point but I thought, "No, Alex might not know what to do with the baby, you really should get back." I remember giving a big sigh and right then I looked in the direction that I had originally wanted to go on my walk--and there was a rainbow. Never before had seeing something so common in nature meant so much to me. It was like I instantly felt lighter. I smiled. I smiled up at the sky. I think I talked to God right there in the street thanking Him for sending me that rainbow and for telling me that things were going to be okay. It was as if He agreed that I should turn around right then and go back to my baby. That I would be stronger when I went into the house.
I will never forget that day and that message of hope that I received. If I wouldn't have still been a bit achy I probably would have skipped back to our house!! I don't remember exactly what happened when I went home but I know I felt better. I probably took a screaming baby back into my arms and gave him a big kiss. All that mattered to me was that hope still existed. I wasn't doomed to non-stop crying for the rest of my life. God was with me and our family and He would give us the strength to make it through. And do you know what? For 4 months, we did. We made it! When Sammy turned 4 months old, the crying stopped--almost like a light switch!
All I can do this week is to take one day at a time, keep myself busy, and keep hoping and praying that perhaps we will be taking the next step on this journey and that is towards our rainbow baby. The storm is certainly rocky, full of risks and dropping bucketfuls of fear on me sometimes but I can only imagine how wonderful the rainbow looks when the storm clears...may my rainbow be a sweet little baby to come into our lives.
I trust you, Lord. Please give me the strength to keep hoping and to keep trusting in you. Thank you for those in my life who continue to pray for me and our family during this wonderfully challenging and yet beautiful journey of faith, hope and love!
Is there a storm in your life right now? Go after your rainbows, my friends! They are out there, I know they are. We just have to keep moving forward and keep our eyes upward. Our rainbows are out there!
Kim :)
Where to start? What's happened in the last few weeks? I've been bouncing all over the place. Not just physically, but also mentally.
My last cycle was only 19 days long. I had no warning, my period just started and way too early! I was told by the nurses that cycle length varies due to fertility medications so I tried not to worry about it. I also figured that since I had a cyst, that may have thrown things off a bit, who knows.
Well, with my cycles that close together it's not like there is a lot of time for planning and preparations. Wham, bam, boom. Another cycle. Decisions to be made. Doctor appointments to cram in and money to be found...or not. Stress levels start rising with the start of each period.
Amazingly, all of my woes and worries for when this last cycle would start were put to rest when my period started at the last possible date that it could have prior to our trip to Washington, D.C. It allowed me to schedule my baseline ultrasound for early Wednesday morning. Alex had just returned to town on Monday evening from an extended drill weekend in Kentucky, went to work on Tuesday and came to pick us up at my mom's that evening and then to return to Dayton late that night.
It was a short night for me Tuesday, and we all got up early to go to my doctor appointment for my ultrasound. Good news--my cyst had shrunk--and I had 8 follicles! Wow! I don't know when I've had that many. Of course, I knew they may not all grow but it was kind of neat hearing that I had that many.
We ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up my Femara prescription which I was to start taking that night. And, after about another hour to finish adding my hubby's stuff to our already crammed van (we had packed the boys' toys, clothes, etc. as well as mine the night before at my mom's), we finally set off for D.C.
Our trip to Washington, D.C. was a bit longer than we thought. I think it was like 14 hours or something like that. I don't remember for sure but it was getting difficult in the wee hours. We had one major delay with the van that slowed us down. We were somewhere in some rural mountains and realized the back hatch wouldn't open. Alex had to crawl into the back from the front. This meant slithering over tons of stuff on what was one of those extreme heat days a few weeks back (remember how most of the country was in triple digits with severe heat warnings?) in order to pull out Mary, our old terrier. She was in a cage in the back of the van and was now stuck. I knew we still had several hours to go and didn't want to risk leaving her back there without a potty break or water so Alex braved the piles and stacks and crawled back out over the boys' seats with Mary in his arms. I then rode with her at my feet up front for the rest of the trip.
It wasn't only that delay which added to our lengthy trip. It was also the path we took. Coming from Dayton, we soon found that most of our drive was through mountains! And tons of them! Curves, sneaky paths, twisting and turning up and down the hills made for a slower and more cautious drive than if we had been on straight roads.
Well, our trip to D.C. was great. Alex's conference went extremely well and we even managed 2 days to sight see during the heatwave. Everyone had a great time. But, Alex & I were whooped in the end. We drove back to my mom's in Seville to pick up another dog that she was babysitting for us. We laid over that night and took off for Dayton the next day.
If you've been mentally calculating the days in my cycle you'd see that we should be somewhere nearing our "window" in this cycle. Well, try facing that window when you're tired and then frustrated because you're tired. I wish I could say that for me it as all because I was just tired but it wasn't just that. I think going into this cycle I was crabby. The last cycle with the cyst was 'non-existent' for the most part. I was doubtful and had a "great attitude" going into this round. Several times I thought to myself, "Why even bother? Why am I putting myself through all of this? It won't work anyway."
Consequently, I wasn't as focused on the task at hand as much as I should have been. I was like, "Eh...whatever." And then I'd beat myself up for feeling like that and thought, "Why would God give you a baby with a terrible attitude like this?" One night Alex & I even got into a fight prior to our "window". That's really great, huh? I was mad because he was tired and because I always have to remind him of the dates and timing. He was mad simply because he was tired and who knows what else. We had a pretty serious discussion about making this a priority and ways to make sure that dates are cleared as much as possible, etc. Thankfully, we cleared the air and resumed with the work at hand. I can only wonder how many other couples feel the stress and get into similar arguments? So very difficult.
I hate to say it but we didn't even hit all of our windows this last round. I felt terrible. My nurse told me not to fret about the exact timing and that we hit the most critical. I tried to shake off my frustration, held on to the fact that we did do the most critical windows and looked forward to starting over with this next cycle approaching.
And then suddenly, I noticed how extremely tired I was over the weekend. I mean, I was pooped. I was beyond pooped. It was terrible. It was so hard to get things done. I didn't think anything of it until that Sunday right after supper when I felt myself entering a yawning marathon. Even Alex noticed my exhaustion and said how unlike me that was. I'd like to think that normally I'm pretty hearty! I can get by on little sleep when I have to or when insomnia hits. I somehow find the rest when I need it and build myself back up. But this time I just couldn't get caught up.
It was then that I remembered something my nurse told me when I got my trigger shot on Day 10. She said something about the shot containing the pregnancy hormone, progesterone, and that it causes pregnancy symptoms in some women--one of them being tiredness. A-HA! Maybe that was it? But why don't I remember being this tired the one other time I had the shot? With that question on my mind, I drifted off quite easily that night.
A chat with my nurse on Monday confirmed that more than likely it was the progesterone making me tired. Follow that up with ANOTHER shot that day and more Zzz..... on the way for me. Supposedly it takes 10 days for the progesterone to get out of your system so I still have another 2 days to wait it out. Unless....
And this is where the title of my blog comes in. Hope. Why, oh why, oh WHY did I have to have this tiredness symptom of pregnancy this cycle? I know that more than likely, what I've been feeling has been simply a side effect of the Ovidrel shot but I would be lying if part of me didn't stop more than once and wonder, what if? Could I be this tired because maybe something did work this round? Maybe I could just be pregnant??? Probably not...but possibly??? Why wasn't I this tired before? Even after the first shot I don't remember being this tired at all. Maybe you can react differently each time, I don't know.
Another step towards Hope. My progesterone test on Thursday of last week came back really good. My level was a 40. Previously my other two tests were in the low 20s. Obviously the second shot probably had something to do with this but still, they told me that I had a really good ovulation and that the second shot was supporting what the body does naturally to support an egg being implanted if it was fertilized. Why can't the dumb test TELL you that though?
Even though I totally don't understand the necessity of testing one's progesterone every treatment cycle, here's what I'm walking away with:
1. Maybe it's how it was in school--high school or something like that--where an A was an A. It didn't matter if you barely made it with a 90/92 or 94 or if you totally aced it with a 98. If you had an A, you had an A. As long as your progesterone score is above 15, that's good and that's it.
2. I'm very THANKFUL that the medication is working and that I AM having good ovulations! If that is something that some women struggle with in conceiving, then I need to recognize that and be thankful that I am having good ovulations. Take time to thank God for all that I can.
So what do I do about Hope? Part of me so desperately wants to think that maybe, just maybe, my tiredness is a result of possibly being pregnant. And if my progesterone score shows a good level, than that's really good. Oh, but the inner battle! I told myself I wasn't going to let myself do this again. And here I am watching every strange symptom that my body shows and wondering about it. I'm finding myself frustrated at my hope and fearing a major letdown in a few days. You see, I don't think I've felt this hopeful in awhile and coming off of my 19 day cyst cycle and then the start of this one with my "give up" attitude, I'm ready for a little optimism. In fact, I need it. I'm clinging to it. I'm desperate for it!
Hope is one of those things that I think we all need. Without it, our lives have no sense of 'maybes', 'what ifs' or 'could bes'. They are simply what we stare at every day with no thought of anything different in the future. But when we dare to hope, we are setting are selves up for the potential of what we want not coming to be. The risk is huge. We hope that our marriages will work out. We hope that our spouses will live to be a ripe old age with us. We hope that our family will stay healthy and happy. We hope that we will continue to have a job in a crummy economy. We hope and yet we know that things could fall through in an instant.
No one knows this more than a parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, still birth or infant loss. I have heard of so many mothers who fear that the child born after the child they lost, may not make it. The stories are the same--these women get up throughout the night to make sure their child is still breathing. I do that every night. I think I always have, actually, but since losing Jacob last fall, I feel like I watch over Sammy and Benny even more sometimes. It's hard to explain why, but I think knowing what can happen to those we love makes us more protective.
I know that our attempts to conceive again carry a huge risk. Will we get pregnant? Will we have a miscarriage? How on earth would I make it through 38 weeks???
And yet, despite all of my fears, I still cling to hope. I am desperate to hope. I don't think we can exist without it. I know I can't. No matter how tough we want to be. Despite the fact that I want to toughen myself up for what's going to happen in three days, a big part of me doesn't want to. I want to remain vulnerable. I need to if I'm going to have any chance at having another baby. If not, I might as well truly quit right now.
What's coming in a few days? You guessed it. My scheduled pregnancy test at my RE's. I have never before made it to one of these as my period has always come before the scheduled test. Now, despite the fact that frequently my period gives me signs that its coming--spotting, cramping, etc.--watch this time it will lay in wait and perhaps even not start prior to my test leaving me fully open to the test results when my nurse calls sometime Thursday afternoon. Please pray that I'll have the strength to get through that morning if that is indeed what happens! I still can't fathom how I'll keep myself busy enough to not go crazy after my blood test--unless my period comes prior to then.
I'm at day 22...well, actually since it's midnight I can say I'm on day 23 now. Last time my cycle was only 19 days. I don't remember what it was before that. I'm thankful also that I made it past 19 days. That kind of freaked me out a bit having a cycle that short. Every day forward is a good one!
I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days. I know that I'm desperate, truly desperate, to hold on to some hope at this point in my journey. Last night, as we were packing and getting ready to leave my mom's where we had spent the weekend going to a parade and a county fair, I saw a rainbow. Not just a piece of one, but the entire beautiful rainbow reaching from end to end! I couldn't stop looking at it. Even after I ran in the house to get everyone to come look and take pictures, I still found myself watching it fade away and felt...hope. I felt like God was sending me a message to keep holding on. Here we were about to get underway and tackle this busy week that included my blood test. And right before we left, I spotted what I needed to see. A rainbow.
Fellow moms who have lost babies are familiar with this term but others of you reading may not be. Do you know what a "rainbow baby" is? In the Baby Loss Community, this is a term used to describe the baby who comes after the storm--that is our loss of a child--our rainbow. This baby doesn't replace the one we lost, it simply represents the hope that comes again after such a tragedy in our lives.
Could I be carrying my rainbow baby right now? I'm sure the statistics out there say no, and my period might play a mean trick on me this month and start at 5:00 AM Thursday morning or something totally unfair. But, anything is possible. If God wants us to have another baby then all of the statistics in the world mean nada. It could just be so if He makes it so. And, I have to keep reminding myself to hold on to hope even if it doesn't happen this round. Anything is possible.
One more note about rainbows. Several years ago when we lived in Oklahoma, Sammy was only two weeks old when he became colicky. Horribly colicky. He cried all the time. One time I clocked him at over 10 hours straight. I kid you not!! It was terrible. Alex would wear ear plugs to drown out the noise when he'd hold Sam. I can only imagine what the stress levels were in our household that summer of 2006.
On a particularly trying day, I told Alex I needed to clear my head for just a bit. I was a stay-at-home mom still recovering from a c-section with an infection in it. I had a baby who cried all the time and nothing I did would soothe him. I had no break from the non-stop crying. None. I didn't go anywhere ever. I had been crying and had a headache so told Alex I had to go for a walk. Right then. I handed Sammy to him and he took our wailing baby to the computer room and put his earplugs in.
I remember as I left our driveway and got onto the road I could still hear Sammy crying outside!!! I couldn't believe it. That kid sure had some lungs on him! It was a light rain at the time and I didn't have an umbrella but I didn't care. I just had to get out of the house for just a few moments. I wanted to extend my walk and keep going at one point but I thought, "No, Alex might not know what to do with the baby, you really should get back." I remember giving a big sigh and right then I looked in the direction that I had originally wanted to go on my walk--and there was a rainbow. Never before had seeing something so common in nature meant so much to me. It was like I instantly felt lighter. I smiled. I smiled up at the sky. I think I talked to God right there in the street thanking Him for sending me that rainbow and for telling me that things were going to be okay. It was as if He agreed that I should turn around right then and go back to my baby. That I would be stronger when I went into the house.
I will never forget that day and that message of hope that I received. If I wouldn't have still been a bit achy I probably would have skipped back to our house!! I don't remember exactly what happened when I went home but I know I felt better. I probably took a screaming baby back into my arms and gave him a big kiss. All that mattered to me was that hope still existed. I wasn't doomed to non-stop crying for the rest of my life. God was with me and our family and He would give us the strength to make it through. And do you know what? For 4 months, we did. We made it! When Sammy turned 4 months old, the crying stopped--almost like a light switch!
All I can do this week is to take one day at a time, keep myself busy, and keep hoping and praying that perhaps we will be taking the next step on this journey and that is towards our rainbow baby. The storm is certainly rocky, full of risks and dropping bucketfuls of fear on me sometimes but I can only imagine how wonderful the rainbow looks when the storm clears...may my rainbow be a sweet little baby to come into our lives.
I trust you, Lord. Please give me the strength to keep hoping and to keep trusting in you. Thank you for those in my life who continue to pray for me and our family during this wonderfully challenging and yet beautiful journey of faith, hope and love!
Is there a storm in your life right now? Go after your rainbows, my friends! They are out there, I know they are. We just have to keep moving forward and keep our eyes upward. Our rainbows are out there!
Kim :)
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