Jacob's Birthday Preparations

Well, I'm back!  I had no idea that I would ever be gone actually.  First let me apologize to everyone who read my blog faithfully or even who just occasionally popped in to check this mother's journey...I never had any intention of taking a break from writing something which was so dear to me.  You probably noticed that my last post was the day before Jacob's first angelversary (the first anniversary of his death) and then everything dropped and went silent.  I am so sorry for disappearing without a word or update in the last 5.5 months.

Something happened on Jacob's anniversary which caused me to stop writing.  I've thought for months now about how I would come back...what would my first post say as far as explaining what could be strong enough to keep me from writing for so long.  I longed to write, I needed to desperately but just couldn't.  Until now.  It's time.  It's time to come back to what helped me heal so much in the beginning.  It's time to come back to writing also what I hope helps others whether they are baby loss moms or not.  It's time to come back to writing about Jacob and my journey through motherhood.  How can I deny my heart any longer? :)

Jacob's first birthday is coming up in a matter of days and I knew I had to be writing by then so here I am.  I want to focus on nothing but the joy and love I have in my heart for my sweet baby in Heaven so for now, just know that I humbly apologize for my disappearance last fall.  I would be so honored if you would consider once again reading my blog.  Your support has always meant so much to me and has truly touched me since day one of my writing.

While I have so many posts drafted up right now, I had to start with something most timely for my first post back.  I've already mentioned that Jacob's birthday is coming up.  This Friday, April 20, 2012 my sweet little baby would be turning one had he lived to be born here on Earth.  I remember last year when I calculated his due date.  I was originally given an early May date but knew Jacob would have come early just like his brothers.  Sammy was born 10 days early.  Benny was born 14 days early.  I picked a mid-way point and calculated that my sweet Jacob would have been born around 12 days early, so April 20, 2011 became my "due date" or what would have been his "birth" day.  So this is the day that we will lovingly celebrate every year.  I love that it's in April too--just 16 days after my birthday--makes me feel even closer to him knowing that he would have been the sweetest birthday present ever last year.

The other night I sat down and did something I had been meaning to do for months.  I sent out Jacob's invitations to his birthday party.  Okay, that would be Facebook Event invitations that I "sent out".  I had meant to do it awhile back as so many baby loss moms create those special birthday and angelversary events far in advance.  I hadn't created Jacob's yet because I've been trying to get some things ready first.  Can't say more than that right now but that was my delay.  Well, you know how you can try for so long to get everything "just right" and then before you know it, you've missed the boat altogether? 

I told myself that no matter what I was sitting down that night and creating the event regardless of what was done or not.  The boys were outside playing while Alex mowed.  The dogs were chowing down on their food.  The laundry was movin' and groovin' downstairs.  I finally took the precious time I needed to create Jacob's birthday note.  I cannot tell you how happy and how proud I felt.  I know it probably sounds silly but I was a mommy who was truly excited to celebrate her son's first birthday and to share my love for him with everyone.  Well, happy and proud just doesn't describe enough how I felt.

I found myself thinking back to Sammy and Benny's first birthdays.  Neither boy had a big birthday party that required invitations as it was just immediate family who came.  What I do remember though is how much fun I had picking out the birthday decor and a cake theme for each.  I know I did Winnie the Pooh for each because I'd always loved Pooh Bear and it just fit so well with a one-year old party.  We still have the hats and even a few spare plates that were never used.  I will be pulling them out this Friday!

It was so fun buying all of that stuff back then...the plastic tablecloth, the party hats, the birthday badge, the plates, the napkins.  And I remember Sammy's cake had plastic birthday figures on it.  Sammy loved Tigger and ended up breaking Tigger's tail off at some point when he was a little older.  He was so upset about that poor Tigger.  Right now I can't remember Benny's cake exactly but I know I recycled the Pooh characters for it as well...broken Tigger and all.

If you are a baby loss mom, then you've probably heard or read a sentence like this before on another baby loss mom's or group's page,  "I should be...(fill in the blank regarding what she would do if her baby was still here)".  Well, here's my go at it...  Right now had things gone differently in 2010 and Jacob not passed away, I should be planning Jacob's first birthday party. I should be digging around the baby wipes boxes that I use to store the boys' plastic figures and trying to find that missing tailed Tigger.  I should be talking to my mom about what cake to order for when we would come up to celebrate with the rest of our family for the big "baby's first birthday party".  I should be buying a new tablecloth, plates and then checking the Pooh hats to make sure the strings all still work.  I should be picking out which birthday outfit Jacob would be wearing and wondering if the icing will stain it or not.  I should be checking out the newest baby toys in the store to find something different that Jacob would like.

But, I'm not doing all of those things...and that's okay, because I am doing some of those things.  :)

I AM planning Jacob's first birthday parties.  Yes, you read that right.  I am actually planning two little celebrations of joy and love for our sweet Jacob.  One little birthday party we will hold on his actual birthday, Friday, April 20.  Because Alex will be out of town it will just be the boys and I.  But you can bet your boots that I will pull out what I can of the Pooh birthday stuff for one more party.  I will pull out whatever I can find that is left from the boys' first birthday parties.  I will be hunting for Tigger and the gang to join us as well.  Benny is asking for Valentine cookies (it doesn't matter what holiday or season we are in, Benny likes Valentine cookies) so we will see what is on the dessert menu for the night. :)

And then on Sunday when Alex will be home, we will have our sweet little family birthday party...this time with a giraffe theme.  Even though I always made a cake for the boys whenever we celebrated at home (we would have either a bakery-bought or one of mom's cakes at her house), I have just been wanting to something really special for Jacob's birthday and that is to order a bakery cake with a giraffe on it.  I'm far from a great cake decorator so don't even want to think what my version of a giraffe would look like if I do it on my own!

The night of my D&C back in 2010 we stopped by Walmart for something that we probably couldn't live without, who knows what it was.  It donned on me that night as I trudged through the aisles with a very heavy heart and eyes that burned from crying way too much that I hadn't yet bought any kind of stuffed animal for Jacob...something personal just for him.  I wished I had more to choose from than just Walmart's selection of baby plush but I couldn't be choosy at that point. I needed something desperately and decided upon a small pale yellow giraffe with a white tummy, brown spots and the sweetest smile.  It's the kind of stuffed animal just right for a young baby--no fuzzy hair, just a smooth and soft feel to it.  And no pull-on eyes or features either...just eyes and other features sewn flat. 

That sweet little giraffe would have been perfect for chubby little baby hands, perfect for little drooling baby gums and perfect to chunk from a high chair.  I'm sure Jacob would have loved it.  Just like his mommy loves it now.

That giraffe might not have ever been chewed on, spit up on or thrown from a grocery cart, but wouldn't you know it means the world to me.  I take Jacob's giraffe with me every time we travel.  I've taken it with me sometimes when we just so somewhere locally--to church, to a special event like the Memorial Walk we went on for Jacob last October, to the Christmas Tree Lighting Remebrance Ceremony for Jacob, etc.  Yup, if you see me someday and happen to sneak a peak into my purse or bag, you might just see my little buddy travelling with me. 

Here's my little buddy.  You can see his neck getting a little floppy and his paws are getting nubby. 
He's been loved a lot by this mommy.

This is a new giraffe that my Sammy surprised me with about a month or two ago!  The boys were shopping with Alex while I was in another store.  We met at the car and Sammy quickly pulled out this giraffe for me for Jacob.  Yup, I cried right there in the parking lot.  My boys are so incredibly thoughtful.

And here they are together.  What sweet little buddies.

Giraffes obviously have become one of the two animals that remind me of Jacob.  Giraffes and baby bunnies.  I'll talk more about baby bunnies another time.  For this first birthday party though giraffes are the theme that I am going with.  No, I'm probably not going to deck the house out in spots, but I will have my giraffe cake for our sweet baby!  I can't wait to see it.

I'm still hammering out plans for the whole weekend trying to figure out what I will do with just the boys, as opposed to when Alex is back and we celebrate all together.  Even now though I can tell you I'm excited.  Just a month ago I planned Sammy's first "friend" birthday party.  He turned 7 and we had 20-some kids show up and bounce off the walls for 2 hours.  It was a super-hero theme and I had set up "superhero training" stations for the games, prizes, name tags, you name it.  The party was a total hit with Sammy, Benny, the kids and their parents.  I had so much fun planning it and every throb of my head that night after the screaming children left was worth it.  So I hadn't slept because I was stuffing goody bags and pulling all of the signs and supplies together.  So I'd been on my aching feet forever in my "Super Mommy" costume boots (all of the kids came in superhero costumes).  Sammy's smile (and of course Benny's) was priceless and I'd to it all again for my sons without a doubt.

Just as I was excited to plan that party for Sammy because I love him so very much, I feel the same amount of excitement, joy and love at planning this little celebration for Jacob.  It doesn't matter that he isn't here physically, that he was never truly "born" here on Earth and that we've never met him face-to-face.  He is our son, our precious child that I carried for 13 wonderful weeks.  He is a part of Alex and I. He is the boys' little baby brother that they couldn't wait to meet and that they still talk about today.  He lives in our hearts and always will.  And that's enough.  That's more than enough reason to remember him and to celebrate the love we feel for him on such a special day.  I know the boys will have fun at our little parties and it will be a wonderful time of making precious memories for our family as we include our baby up in Heaven.

And I have to try to describe one more thing I am feeling today as I write this post...overwhelming gratitude.  As soon as I posted my event invitation on facebook, I started seeing friends and family accept it.  The notification, "__________________ is attending Jacob's First Birthday Party in Heaven" was silently and ever so sweetly popping up on the lower left side of my screen.  As more and more notifications came in, one right after another, the tears started flowing.  I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to see people's quick responses.  Do you know what it means to a baby loss mom to hear/see her child acknowledged and remembered by others?  There are no words to describe the feeling fully. 

Our friends and family have come and will continue to come to parties for Sammy and Benny through the years--they saw the "smash cake" that Sammy dug into at his first birthday party, they saw the icing smeared all over both boys' faces, they saw the tears when both boys grew tired of smiling for pictures...they saw the boys learn how to unwrap gifts--a nice slow tear of wrapping paper when they were both younger which has now turned into a frantic 'rip-fest'...echoed by Benny's excited shouts of what he got and his "...ooh, nice!" following each item.  They will continue to see how the boys grow and develop each year.  They've seen what is on each cake--Winnie the Pooh, Thomas, Power Rangers, Spiderman, Micky Mouse, Ben 10...and will wonder who the lucky characters will be next year.  They will see how big the boys smile when we all sing "Happy Birthday" to them...ah, how I've loved this part of our birthday celebrations!!  Both Sammy and Benny smile so big when we break into song.  The candles light up their joyful smiles and you can see how truly special they feel when it is their turn to be the "birthday boy.".  Our friends and family will be a part of these precious memories through the years.

But the same can't be said for Jacob's birthday parties.  Jacob won't have candles illuminating his face or icing in his fingernails.  He won't have his birthday hat sliding off of his head or wrapping paper to tackle. He won't have years of birthday party photos that mommy will need to scrabook someday.

But he will have love and so much of it.  He will have the love of his family and friends who acknowledge that he was here, even if only for a short 13 weeks.  He was here and will forever be a part of our family.  So for that, please let me express my heartfelt thank you to everyone who is "coming" to Jacob's birthday party.  It may seem silly to those of you who aren't baby loss moms that I'm even holding such an "event" but it means so much to those of us who are, me included.  Thank you for simply acknowledging Jacob and our love for him.  It truly touches my heart.  For those of you who are reading this and who don't know me personally on facebook, thank you as well for sharing in my joy at planning Jacob's First Birthday Party.  I hope you'll check out my next several posts as I share more of our party preparations and photos!

So with that, my friends, let me apologize once again for my absence of the last few months.  I appreciate that you are reading this now and hope to hear from you some time.  For those of you who are "coming" to Jacob's birthday party, thank you for your acknowledgement and support of our love for him.  And if I missed anyone accidentally, or if you'd like to "come" to our little shindig on facebook, please let me know so that I can invite you! :)

You'll be hearing from me...soon.

One Year Ago--'A Mother's Journey' is created--October 21st--One Year Ago--"I'm Sorry" Changed My Life

Hi Friends.  Well, so much for my great intentions with regards to my blog this month! :)  What can I say?  So many things I had planned for this month have changed as a result of unforeseen difficulties.  I'm sure I'm not writing about anything new and we've all been there.  I am sorry to those of you who have been checking my blog for updates, I really hadn't planned to be absent for so long.  I hope you'll stay with me and forgive me for the delays!

The first thing I want to tell you is that I do plan to continue what I wanted to do on my blog this month into November.  I have so many posts that I need to write about, more giveaways to do, etc.  If there's one thing I've learned on this journey throughout the last year it's to allow myself to do what I need to do when I need to do it.  If that means staying up late to write a blog post in order to express something that's on my heart, then I do it.  If that means forgiving myself and allowing myself an "extension" so-to-speak for "Jacob's month" (October), well, then I am doing that now.  There is so much in a journey like this that you simply cannot plan for.  You never know when the grief may hit you harder...you never know when the struggle to conceive again may overwhelm you...you just never know.

Tonight though, I simply could not go to bed without writing.  One year ago today was a pivotal day in my life.  It was the day that this blog was born.  As grateful as I am for the chance to write and to reach others, I'd give it all up if I could simply change one key thing from October 21, 2010.  I would change the diagnosis of my sweet little baby to one of "everything is fine" rather than the two words every parent dreads hearing..."I'm sorry."

Where was I last year at this time?  I remember being so excited to be nearing the end of my first trimester.  I hate to complain but I'm human and I remember being cranky from time to time during those early months of my pregnancy (maybe I was cranky a lot, who knows!).  If you've been keeping up with my blog since last year, you might remember me saying that everything stunk.  Seriously!  It did!  I was so sensitive to smells. I could smell things that the average person couldn't.  And, of course, every smell made me nauseous. 

Last year at this time too I had just recently announced my pregnancy on Facebook and to family and friends.  The congratulations were so joyous and I truly felt like everyone was sharing in our good news.  I had even been lucky enough to have made it back to my school for Homecoming and to participate in a ceremony to dedicate my sorority's new house. I was so goofy back then.  I knew I was showing a bit--guess I'll blame some of that on my previous two c-sections!--and wanted to find a cute top to wear when I saw my sisters--most that I hadn't seen in almost 20 years! I didn't want to look like I was wearing a tent, but wanted to wear something to show where I was still skinny and well, where I wasn't so skinny.

I picked out a new blue shirt and remember having a wonderful time that beautiful fall day and just 5 days prior to Oct. 21.  Here is a photo from that very fun Saturday...a picture of me (wearing my blue shirt, little belly sticking out) with some of my dear sorority sisters.  Those of us in the photo were some of our chapter's charter members who were able to attend.  When did we colonize at Kent?  Sometimes 1990 seems like just yesterday!

We were all so happy to see each other.  I loved renewing old friendships and catching up.  The day was so much fun--we all watched the Homecoming Parade, I showed Alex where I used to live, we had a great time touring our chapter's new home (seen behind us in picture above) and then we took the boys to tour the part of KSU where the May 4, 1970 shooting had occurred.  I had never seen all of the tour spots as they were new to the school.  It was such a beautiful fall day to spend on campus with the leaves turning gold and the black squirrels darting about. 

And then.  Everything beautiful about fall turned ugly just a few days later on Thursday, October 21.  Here's just a sample from my very first blog post which I started that evening after my appointment at 12.5 weeks for an in-depth ultrasound:

With a sigh, he (the doctor) looked at me and started by saying, "We have some serious issues here.  There are some severe problems."  He went on to list things like:  thickness behind the baby's neck, extra digits, a protrusion in the abdominal wall and a cleft lip.  Never in my life could I have imagined hearing such things.  He said that while we didn't know for 100% sure, chances were highly likely that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18, but he was pretty sure it was Trisomy 13.

Suddenly the the genetic counselor's information and diagrams came flashing back in my head.  I was thinking, "Wait a minute, isn't Trisomy 13 the most rare of the chromosomal abnormalities that a baby can have?"   People sometimes say that time stops when they receive horrible news. I wish I could say that time did stop.  I'd give anything if it just would have stopped.  It didn't.  It just kept ticking on with each second, each minute getting more and more unbelievable and awful with what the doctor told me. 

The doctor put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm very sorry."  Again, more red flags went off in my head.  It was almost like I had to pump him for the 'bottom line.'  It was then that he told me that my baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term.  It was difficult for me to form words at this point, but I asked, "So, are you saying I'm just waiting for my baby to die?  That it's just a matter of when and how?"  He said, "Yes."

I don't think any woman ever wants to use the words, 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.  It should be illegal. It was almost surreal as I used the words.  The doctor said I would more than likely miscarry.  Again, more shock.  Don't the statistics say that once you see the baby's heartbeat, once you reach the end of the first trimester, you have something like a 95% chance that everything is good and that you won't miscarry?  What good are statistics like that?  Again, I asked, "So, I'm waiting for my baby to die?  Is that what you're saying?"

My mind raced ahead through the next 6 mos.  Trick-or-Treating is next weekend.  My mom's birthday is this weekend.  Thanksgiving.  My husband out of town for various November weekends.  Christmas.  Do I just continue to live my life waiting for this awful thing to happen to me?  It could happen at any time.  How?  How do I do that?  How do you continue to get bigger, wear maternity clothes and at a time when you should be getting things ready for the baby, instead prepare yourself for your baby's death??  How?  How do I do that?


If you'd like to read more about the start of my journey, please feel free to read the rest of the post from October 21, 2010 by clicking on that link in the sidebar.

How fast things change.  Here I had just announced my pregnancy right before my trip home to school, I had just seen my sorority sisters who were full of congratulating hugs and I came back to what I thought would be a fresh start into my second trimester only instead to be forced into a journey that I never asked to take.

Who does ask to go on this journey?  Not many people would, I don't think.  While I didn't choose this journey for myself and my family, I would not change a thing that's happened in the last year.  Well, obviously if I could have had Jacob live, that's an easy one--of course I would have done that.  But, aside from that, I do not have any regrets.  For whatever reasons, God chose me for this journey and I am taking it one day at a time.  In the early days of losing Jacob or on some bad days, I take it one minute of a time.  That's all I can do and so far it's worked.  I have no idea what the "end" of this journey will look like or even if there is one. 

I think one thing that's helped me make it through the past year since receiving Jacob's fatal diagnosis and then losing him has been to not fight this journey.  As much as I would have loved to have denied what was happening, to hide from it or to lash out at it constantly, what good would it do me? 

I think back to Oct. 21, 2010 when I was so blunt in telling Sammy that his baby brother was going to die.  In his caring way, he had told me, "The baby will be okay, Mommy.  Don't cry."  I wouldn't have it.  I told him, "No, honey.  The baby is very sick and is going to die."  Sometimes I cringe when I think about my response.  How could I have been so insensitive to my sweetheart Sammy?  But then other times when I think about it I know I did it because I had to. I had to face this journey head on if I was going to make it through.  Even my mom was in utter shock when I called her with the news in the car.  Again, she tried to provide the ever supportive, "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay."  I remember yelling and crying, "No!  No, he won't, Mom!  He is going to die!"  I needed everyone around me to know the truth. I needed them to share the truth with me.  Only in sharing in the truth about sweet Jacob would I or would any of us make it through...and make it through together. 

From that day on, everyone was concerned and supportive.  Well, most everyone.  We'll leave that lie for now.  Even my loving Sammy offered me hugs to catch my tears. I knew he loved his little brother too and together our family shared in the uncertainty that came with that dreaded doctor visit and Jacob's fatal diagnosis.

Of course I prayed for the opposite. I prayed constantly that God would show all of these doctors with their stupid statistics.  That God would save my baby--that he would be a miracle baby and would live to be born and to be kissed in his mommy's arms.  I dreamt about it too.  How much I wanted to show them all that they were wrong!  Jacob would live and be an example of God's wondrous saving power and love!

I knew in my heart though that God had a plan.  I just didn't know my part in that plan.  Would his plan include my son living for a bit longer?  Much longer?  To be born?  To only live for a few months into his first year?  I had no idea.  It was like I was setting sail into an unknown sea where there was a tumultuous wave everywhere I looked.  How would I make it through? I had no idea. 

But I had to try. For the sake of my family--for Alex, for Sammy, for Benny...even for Jacob--I had to try to make it through that storm.  I had to be strong.

I tried to start planning for all of the "hows" and "what ifs" that very day.  Do we go out of town for my mom's birthday?  How do we celebrate mom's birthday with my brother and sister-in-law who also just announced they were pregnant?  What happens if the baby dies while Alex is out of town? What if the baby makes it past 20 weeks only to die shortly after?  Will I have a c-section?  Will I be able to have more children?  What if he made it to be born only to die immediately after he took his first breath?  What if he only makes it a few days or weeks?  How would I cope?  How? How?  How? 

All I can say is from October 21 on I started thinking about all of this.  I didn't have answers but I was going to get them as soon as I could in order to regain some sort of control because when I left the doctor's office last year, I felt like I was caught up in a whirling tornado that was thrashing all over the place. I had so many questions.  Scenarios in my head.  Fears.  Tears.  Anger.  Sadness.   And what did I leave the doctor's office with?  Pamphlets?  Support groups?  Anything to help me make sense out of what had just happened? 

Nothing.  For the most part, I left that awful place with nothing.  I left only with three ultrasound pictures that I had to ask the technician for over and over--I still think that she wasn't going to do them because of Jacob's fatal condition.  Did she really think that I didn't care to have them after hearing the news???  I also left with stupid printout that the genetic counselor ran to get for me when she saw me come out of the ultrasound room.  I remember asking her if she had anything about Trisomy 13 so I could begin to educate myself on what was happening to my son.  She said no but that she'd find something.  Do you know what she gave me?  A one-page sheet which was a technical summary of Trisomy 13.  It's all she could find.  You are a genetic counselor who grills people on their genetic family history and you don't even have packets of information assembled to hand to patients when they need the information?  I couldn't even understand what she gave me.  That's what I walked out of there with.  More questions than answers and certainly no help from the doctor's office.  So I was going to get the answers myself.

One question that I've yet to find an answer to is about the "odds" in pregnancy.  What are the chances for a miscarriage/stillbirth/etc.  The "1 in 4" at times seems to be conflicting with so many things that you read.  To this day I find myself HATING statistics. I will never forget how after I had sat through an hour-long meeting with a genetic counselor answering every question under the sun that she told me, "Don't worry about all of this.  You have a 98% chance everything is fine."  This was just prior to my ultrasound.  Ninety-eight percent.  That's pretty good, huh?

Really???  How is it that I fell in the 2%?  I guess someone has to, right?  Unless I'm the "1 in 4?"  And then of all things for my precious little one to have, it's one of the most rare chromosomal abnormalities?  Well.  Let's just say when someone now quotes statistics about how rare things are, I frequently react with sarcasm.

So.  It's officially one year since I received the horrible news that my precious son wasn't going to make it.  One whole year.  One year of tears, of sadness, of anger, of confusion, of questions...and also one year of discovery, of learning, of reaching out, of helping others...and lastly, one year of love and of hope.  I love my son.  I love Jacob so much.  I will never stop loving him nor will I stop talking about him.  He was a gift from God and I treasure him daily.  I never regret that we got pregnant. I carried my son for 13 weeks and I now treasure every one of those weeks.

October 21, 2010?  A day of horrible sadness for sure.  But also a day that I CHOOSE to remember something else. I CHOOSE to remember Jacob when he was alive and showing his mommy that he was very much ALIVE during the ultrasound.  I CHOOSE to remember those moments with a smile on my face.  Jacob was kicking.  He was squirming.  He was punching.  He was opening and closing his mouth to practice for when he would breathe someday.  I loved every minute of that part of my ultrasound!  How I wish I had a video of it!  That was the last time that I saw my sweet little baby alive.  But it's not the last time that I will see him, for I will see him again.  And I will kiss every squirmy inch of him when I do.

Much of this year has been about choices.  I have learned that I must choose how I will react to things.  Sure, some days I will cry because that's all I can do.  Crying is the only choice sometimes...like on the day you find out that your baby probably will not survive. That's what I did last October 21.  I cried.  I panicked. I yelled.  I moped.  But other days when I can make that choice, I choose to be grateful for my baby, for the 13 weeks that we had with him and for the opportunity to see him so clearly that day. 

October 21, 2010.  Where were you on that day?  I was at the very beginning of my journey and one that is common to so many, unfortunately.  It's not just my journey.  It is "A Mother's Journey"...full of loss, full of love and full of hope.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, my friends. 

With love to my sweet little Jacob--Mommy remembers seeing you on October 21! I know you wanted me to see you.  You wanted me to watch every movement you made--to laugh, to cry because I loved watching you so much.  You were here, my sweet baby.  Mommy loved seeing you and always will dream of the day when I can hold you in my arms.

Kim

*Special thanks to Small Bird Studio for the beautiful graphic about strength!

HEAL - A Walk to Remember...A Time of Shared Tears

October is finally here!  For those of you who are familiar with the significance of this month, you may have already been planning your activities to remember your precious baby. For those of you who are new to the baby loss world, the month of October is a very special month for baby loss families.  In 1988 President Ronald Reagan made October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Day.  The entire month of October is a time for us to reflect on our journey through loss and grief and a time to honor and remember all babies gone too soon. I look forward to sharing this special time of year with you.

For me October has extra special meaning. This is the month one year ago that we received Jacob's fatal diagnosis.  It is is also the month that we lost him to Trisomy 13.

I plan on celebrating my love for my baby all month long and I hope you'll share in this journey with me...parts of it might be painful as we look back to where all of this began, and on the difficult times...but then other parts of it will be joyful as we see how far I've come--as far as so many mothers come who have endured this grief.  I will also be sharing how much I've learned and how much love I still have for my son.  I'd like to think that most of my blog this month will be joyful as that's all I feel for my son--joy and love--no regrets.  The last year was definitely not something I planned, but it is something that I have grown from and something that I thank God for.

I hope you'll keep up with my blog this month and if you're not a follower, please add me!  I will be unveiling a new blog look later in the month (so excited for that!) and I will be sharing some of the baby remembrance events that I am participating in and coordinating as well.  If you are participating in baby remembrance events of your own, I'd love to hear about them and to share some of them here.  Please leave a comment so I can reach you. 

Because this month is so special to me, I also will be having some giveaways throughout the month.  These are just a small way for me to thank you -- each of you for taking the time to read my blog, to follow it and for offering your supportive comments, thoughts and prayers throughout this past year.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me.  Look for my blog posts to be approximately 3-4 times per week during the month of October.  Giveaways will be sprinkled throughout the month so keep an eye out!  The very first one will be on Thursday, October 6 and will be a copy of Richard Paul Evan's book, The Christmas Box (read below for why I chose this book).  If you don't have this book, it's a very inspirational read!  Even if you have the book, consider entering anyway as it would make a great gift.  Please just post a comment below this post to enter!  I will randomly draw one name on Thursday at 11:30 PM EST.

I couldn't have asked for a more special way to kick off this month of remembrance.  We participated in the HEAL Walk to Remember Sunday afternoon and this was our very first remembrance event to attend for Jacob.  HEAL stands for Helping Endure A Loss and is sponsored by the Atrium Medical Center in Middletown, OH. 

While the Walk to Remember was very emotional for all of us who attended, there was also much beauty and love blooming in the Children's Memorial Garden yesterday.  You could feel it all around you.  I have included several pictures of the event below and I hope you can feel the beauty that I saw and felt too.  Even if you never lost a child, I think there is something that makes us all stronger by sharing in a remembrance ceremony like this.

We got to the Atrium Medical Center at about 1:40 PM on Sunday.  I was feeling very anxious.  While I was really excited to be doing this for my baby and with my family, I also felt nervous about arriving to the walk on time and getting signed in. The walk was to begin promptly at 2:00 PM and I was worried that we might arrive late, not get a balloon or other memento items.  I know it sounds silly, but those things were important to me.

Once we found the event (after being on the wrong side of town) I dashed up to the event sign-in while Alex got the boys and stroller out of the car.  I had plenty of time, of course, but still wanted to make sure I made it through all of the stations to do and get what I needed to.

The first station:  Welcome

I am so proud to say that HEAL put on an amazing and wonderfully organized event.  I know how much planning these events can take and you could tell from the very first step that you took into the event area of the parking lot that they didn't leave any details out.  The first table you went to was clearly labeled, "Welcome".  Here I received a beautiful program.  I had no idea there would be that much structure so felt even more excited at what was to come in the ceremony.  The women at this table directed me to the next table to get name tags.

The second station: Name tags

Well, here is where I lost it.  A dark-haired woman wearing a beautiful baby photo button instructed me to fill out a name tag with Jacob's name and to wear it on my coat so everyone could see my son's name.   I don't know if it was seeing her baby or perhaps just writing Jacob's name on a light blue name tag with a butterfly on it, but somehow right at that moment I couldn't speak.  It was the type of tears that suddenly come out of nowhere to choke you while you talk. 

I think I spit out that there were four of us so as the lady counted out four name tags in blue and green colors (since Jacob was a boy), I looked up at her and said, "I'm sorry.  I was doing fine until I got here."  I don't know...was it that she was so kind to get all blue and one green name tags since that's what I originally requested?  Something so small and seemingly insignificant brought me to tears.  Seeing Jacob's name followed by the heart that I drew on it, knowing that everyone would see my precious baby's name on our coats...well, I just couldn't stop the tears from coming.  It was as if they had a mind of their own.

The lady took my hand and said, "It's okay.  That's what we are here for today."  I don't remember what else she said but she gave me two extra packs of Kleenex from a basket, our orange and yellow, "Free to fly" bracelets, and purple buttons with the same logo.  I quickly scooped up my items and went to the next station.

Because my nametag wouldn't stick to my coat, I wore Jacob close to my heart...

The third station: Backpacks

Again, who would have known we would be given so much stuff today?  Here I picked up a black and orange backpack with the HEAL and Walk to Remember logos.  I didn't look inside right then but found handouts later that talked about their support groups as well as a Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony for our babies in December...oh, and more Kleenex!

The fourth station: Butterflies

I think I was still weepy at this point.  I couldn't say anything to the women working behind the tables.  The wind was blowing, gentle music played on a loudspeaker, and here I was writing with love and pride, "Jacob Alexander Villalva" on a lavender butterfly while tears continued to force themselves from my eyes.  I love to write Jacob's name. 

I think all of the women working this event knew what the mood might be.  No one pushed you to talk, no one forced you to laugh or smile...there just seemed to be an invisible support net that you felt caught in from the moment you entered the registration area of the parking lot.  Here was a safe place to be yourself and to let your emotions out if and whenever you needed to.

I looked towards the car and saw my hubby taking his time getting the boys extra coats and hats and then the stroller so I kept making my way through everything.  It was starting to get more crowded as 2:00 approached.

The fifth station:  Kids.

Wow.  I cannot believe that this organization cared so much to plan goodie bags for kids!  They were beyond generous!  They had bags for kids 3 and under and 4 and up.  Each bag was full of little toys, a pinwheel and animal crackers.  It was so sweet to see that butterflies were a common toy item--butterflies are symbolic in the baby loss community and I thought it was so touching that they included this symbol for our children.  Kids were also given rocks with butterflies on them--I took two and was told I could have the boys place them in the Memorial Garden or I could take them home.  Well, no doubt about that!  These rocks were coming home with me!  I am going to have Sammy and Benny decorate each of them around the butterfly and then date it for this year.  Can't wait to do that special craft with them.

The sixth station:  Balloons.

Big purple and orange balloons with alternating colored ribbon were provided for our balloon release...and you didn't just get a balloon.  You got to write your sweet baby's name on a card marked, "Precious Child".  More tears.  Yes, I kind of assumed that I would cry today but I didn't think they would give me so many opportunities and so early in the event!  :) At this point though, I never know when it will hit me.  My emotions are right there it seems, just waiting for a moment to escape. And of course, this month is probably just a tad extra heavy on emotions due to Jacob's angelversary approaching so I guess I need to be ready for it.

I fought the wind to tie Jacob's card, marked "Jacob--Mommy loves you!", onto the balloon ribbon.  Once I secured my card to the ribbon, I wrapped the ribbon around my fingers tightly so it wouldn't blow away.  Again, it probably sounds silly, but I felt that I just couldn't lose my balloon.  Even when Alex brought Sam back from the bathroom (you probably could have guessed that!), and we were looping the other 3 balloons on to the stroller, I had a death grip on all 4 strings.  The wind was pulling so hard and every once in awhile you'd see a balloon fly away.  It wasn't long before I felt my left hand cramping but I didn't mind, as long as I didn't lose my balloons.

Our Walk to Remember...Jacob

Finally it was time to start our walk.  I gave Alex my camera since my left hand was busy with the balloons.  He did a great job capturing the setting and us starting our walk.  We started in the middle of the group so had a lot of open space around us.  Then we caught up to the mass of people ahead of us, while another large clump trailed slowly behind us.  I didn't realize it until I saw the photo below, but I guess my emotions were quite easy to read just by looking at me.

We walked along a sidewalk that lined the curvy road.  To our right was the hospital.  To our left was a field, woods...simply nature.  It was a beautiful walk with the blue sky above and green around us.  It was only a 1/4 of a mile walk so it went pretty quick.  We didn't say much on this walk.  I don't think I could have talked if I had to. 

As we walked up the hill, I saw an event photographer take our picture.  I wondered what we said to him as we approached...what stories did our faces tell?  Could he see a mother's loss and longing to hold her son?  Could he see innocence on the boys'?   Could he see a quiet uncertainty on my husband's?

We came to the Children's Memorial Garden and found a spot on the grass since the circular bricked area in the middle was already full.  Alex guessed that there were probably about 200 people there.  Two hundred people came to remember their children on this cold, blustery day.  I saw grandparents looking like children themselves as they held the brightly colored balloons.  I saw little kids posing by memorial plates for their lost brother or sister.  I saw young couples--childless and clinging to each other.  I saw people like us.  Some families wore shirts to honor their loving children.  Others wore photo buttons.  All of us proudly wore our baby's name tags. I wished I would have had time to ask about each name that I saw.  I'm sure everyone would have shared a beautiful story about their child.

The Ceremony

The coordinator opened with a few comments about how we were all connected on this journey through grief.  We are a family. Last year when Jacob died, I would have never thought that I would be joining another family and yet...I have.  We have.  We belong to the baby loss community now.  We are forever a part of this very special group of people who have lost a child...a child gone too soon. 

The coordinator then prepared to read the list of names from the butterflies that we filled out earlier.  She spoke lovingly of her son, Mark, who passed away 19 years ago.  "Even though it's been 19 years, my heart still leaps with joy when someone says Mark's name out loud.  I will never hear his name at a football game.  Or at his graduation."  I will write more about this in a later blog post, but for those of you who have not lost a child, hearing your child's name said aloud is a treasure that long echoes in our ears and our hearts. 

As she read each name from the pastel butterflies, another volunteer stapled them to the orange ribbons that were blowing on a wreath.  When Sammy heard the name, 'Jacob', he said, "Mommy, that's Jacob!"  I said that that was a Jacob...but not our Jacob yet.  I counted one family had lost 5 babies.  A couple lost 4.  Some lost three and many lost 2.  My heart breaks for them.  One volunteer we met later had three baby girl names on her name tag.  She told me there were triplets and she lost them at 20 weeks and only had minutes with them alive.  She now has twins. :)

Finally our Jacob's name was read and our last name mispronounced. :)  Alex and I just smiled at each other. 

After the reading of the names, it was time to let the tears flow once more.  A soloist sang the song, "Precious Child" by Karen Taylor-Good and I don't think I was the only one wiping my face.  This song has been one of my favorite songs since I found this community. If you have never heard the words to this song, or if you are in the mood for a good cry, click on the link at the very bottom of this post and watch the video.  The words speak so gently to your heart.

The Balloon Release

After the song, we were instructed to walk up to the next garden in more of a clearing so the balloons would launch more freely and not get caught in trees.  A few had already popped or blown off but HEAL was so prepared that they had volunteers with more balloons so you wouldn't feel left out.

We made our way to the inner part of the garden circle this time and stood on the bricks.  Alex worked on untangling our balloons and I kept hoping my loose one wouldn't blow off that close to our release.  We untangled mine first.  Then Sammy's.  Then his and Benny's which had twisted together. 

The song, "Somewhere Out There" was played and everyone turned slowly around to face the outside of the circle towards the open sky--almost as if on cue.  As I turned, I saw the balloons going into the air from behind me.  The wind took each one of them up into the open sky, far from any trees or buildings.  I felt the string that I had held so tightly around my fingers loosen...and I let Jacob's balloon fly away to join those of his angel friends.  I was so happy to catch a picture of it--it's the orange one in the middle of the picture, (closest to the camera) and you can see the tag hanging from it. :)

Sammy let his go (the orange one in the bottom right corner of the picture above) and finally Alex and Benny.  Again, I was able to get a picture of their late release as their purple balloons followed the rest of the already far into the sky.  Not only could I hear the timeless melody still playing, and cameras clicking, but also sniffles from all around.  We all watched the orange and purple balloons dot the clouds in the beautiful blue sky and dance in the breeze.  They all flew off in the same direction--together. 

I heard a sniffle to my right--it was Alex.  My dear, sweet husband who for so long has held his emotion in, let it out freely during the balloon release.  We leaned on each other which of course made me sob some more. I longed for my baby to bundle up in the cold.  I wished he was riding in the stroller with a cute little blankie wrapped around him tight.  I know I haven't talked a lot about my husband's way of dealing with grief in this past year but have truly respected how we have shared our grief together and yet in very different ways.  Seeing him moved that much during the balloon release...well, it's hard to hold it together when you see your husband cry.  I was so grateful that he could spending time with his son in this way.  For just those few moments, everything stopped around us--schedules slowed down, there was nothing else for either of us to do but to mourn, remember and love our baby. 

I blew several kisses to Jacob, waved and gave him my "heart".  Sammy and Daddy gave Jacob hearts and we then made our way back to the Children's Garden for pictures.

It's hard to explain the emotion that you see and feel at an event like this.  Tears?  Sure.  Many eyes were red and many cheeks were streaked with eye liner.  Many sunglasses hid the depths of pain their owners felt.  Many words go unspoken but a hug can between two moms can capture it all--just like the woman at the name tag table who took my hand earlier.  I couldn't say much, but looking into her eyes through my hazy tear-filled ones, I knew she knew and felt what I felt.  That was enough.

But back in the garden after the balloon release, there were also feelings of love and hope that were shared amongst all of us.  I think everyone felt a little bit lighter.  No pun intended referring to the balloons, but it's as if the balloons lifted some of our sorrow and let it fly free and far away from our souls.  Our love soared to our children and then, I think our grief went too.  I think many of us felt a sense of peace settle in after being part of such a beautiful ceremony.  Families took pictures of their child's marker or of their kids placing the butterfly rocks in the garden.  Others photographed the wreath of names like we were about to do.

I went up to the wreath and remembered that Jacob's butterfly was lavender.  Something about the softness of that color spoke to me today and so I wrote on that one instead of looking for a blue one.  Because the wind was so strong, it was difficult to pin down the ribbons and to see some of the names which were twisting all around.  I'm smiling as I write this because you know what?  The very first lavender butterfly I flipped around was my Jacob's. :)  There is some significance here and I had a similar event happen years ago when I lost my grandparents' graves in the snow.  But, that's another story.

I held his butterfly in my hands and kissed it, just as if I would have held and kissed him had he been alive today.

Alex and I sat next to Jacob's butterfly...together.  There was just something so special to me about sharing these moments with my husband. I was also so grateful that we didn't rush our time there.  We took our time looking at the memorials, the baby angel statues and the Angel of Hope statue which graces the center of the garden.  I didn't know it until today but the Angel of Hope statue came out of a plea from parents nation-wide after reading Richard Paul Evans' A Christmas Box book several years ago.  There are 90 Angel of Hope statues across the country and that Evans finally commissioned.  We are lucky to have one here!

Below are just a few of the other baby stones that I loved.

We walked back along the curvy road and I too one more picture of the crowd who remained to enjoy the Children's Garden.

When we reached the parking lot, I saw that only one table remained now.  All of the brightly colored balloons were gone.  All of the families with their baby's names on their coats had left.  The event was over.  I think many of us came today with heavy feelings of sorrow on our hearts.  I know I was looking forward to this day but I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me when I got there.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one.  But I think we left a part of our grief there...it went high up into the clouds with our balloons.  Will there be more grief and tears in the future?  Yep, most definitely.  Does this journey ever have an end where you don't feel some level of sadness?  No, I don't think so.  I have learned that this journey will continue until I reach my Jacob someday in Heaven and all along it I will face days of great joy and others of sorrow that will pop out at me when I am least expecting it.  Some tears I will be happy to shed and others I won't. 
No matter what, I am clinging to one thing on this journey.  It's what's gotten me this far in the last year and what I know I will need as I walk on my journey...hope.  Looking forward to spending this month with you, to sharing our tears, our joy, and of course, our hope.

With love to my precious Jacob...
Kim :)

Don't forget to check out the link to "Precious Child" and to post a comment for the book!

Here is the link to "Precious Child"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo&feature=feedf

Hug Him Once for Me...a Beautiful Video and a Miracle

I had planned to do so much more tonight...I'm behind on my blog, I have the month of October to keep prepping for--so much to do to remember my sweet little Jacob as well as all babies lost. 

Well, I'll keep this quick.  I found a video tonight that had me sobbing.  I hadn't cried this hard since the night of my D&C when I found the beautifully written, "Still", by Gerritt Hofsnik (too late to look up spelling, sorry if I got his name wrong).  His song captured my tragic feelings of loss so wonderfully nearly one year ago. 

Oh, I cry a lot at the beautiful babyloss videos out there...kinda hard not to.  But this one, wow.  This one really had me in gut-wrenching sobs every time that I watched it--you know, the kind that shake your whole body?  Thankfully, I don't have that type very often. 

What is this song that moved me in so many ways?  Please check out the link below.  The song is called, "Hug Him For Me Now" and the song is by Erica McClure.
I miss my Jacob so much.  I'm sure it's the anxiety of his one-year angelversary building.  The words to this song are beyond beautiful--they reveal every emotion that I've felt for my son...all of the sorrow, the dreams and the joy at seeing him again some day. 

The joy...yes, you read that right.  Oh, the scene in the video when that part is sung had me holding my arms open wide!  Whenever my time comes to go to our Heavenly Home, you can bet I'll be running with my arms open wide first to our Lord and Savior who brought me to everlasting peace and then to my sweet little angel, Jacob.  What a sweet embrace that will be!

Thank you, Lord, for being with me on every step of this journey.  Even tonight, I believe God was here with me in my study while I was finding this video.  Want to hear of a miracle?  Well, it's close enough for me.

I stumbled on this video through a babyloss page on Facebook. It hooked me and I loved it.  I tried to save it to my favorites on YouTube.  I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't save.  Then, I realized that somehow I was logged out.  My husband!  ARGH!  He must have logged me out at some point--usually I just stay logged in and don't frequent YouTube so don't think about it much.

Well, wouldn't you know I couldn't remember my password.  I tried everything. I probably tried TOO many things.  I was locked out!  I then tried everything I could to reset my password but for some reason it just wouldn't do it.  I searched all through help.  Finally and at this point in a very agitated state, I found a link to email someone with my question. 

By this time I had remembered my password.  Duh, how could I have forgotten it??  And of course, YouTube still had me locked out. I also now realized that I use the same information for my blog and started to panic.  What if they reset my password but somehow it still wouldn't work?  What if my blog was messed up and I couldn't get in to that?  Not now!  Oh, please not this close to Jacob's one year angelversary!  I need my blog and am going to need it so much in this next month, especially.

I wrote the tech people and tried to clearly explain my dilemma--please unlock my account but don't reset my password. I sent the email to who knows where and kept checking for a response but got nothing.

You can imagine my mood. I went from highly emotional in a sad and missing my baby way to angry at the computer to scared that my blog would be ruined.  Talk about a rollercoaster that I wasn't planning on riding tonight.

I quickly went back to the video and shared it with one of my facebook babyloss groups.  It's so beautiful that I had to share it somewhere.  I hopped around for a bit more, scanning other posts and decided I needed to go to bed.  I felt drained and unmotivated.  I felt sad and just wanted to crawl into bed and hug Jacob's giraffe. 

Then.  I clicked on the link one more time for one final good cry before bed...and somehow I ended up on YouTube with my USERNAME LOGGED IN!  I sat here dumbfounded for a minute.  All of my favorites were there--the beautiful tributes to babies lost, every single one of them!

How could this be?  Could the YouTube tech person have gotten my email, and unlocked the system that quickly even though they never wrote back to me?  But then...I never logged back in!  My name and account just popped up as if I had, but I hadn't.

I believe God did this.  Maybe he had the tech support people somehow make everything how it was and with me logged in, I don't know.  However it happend, I know He did it.  Maybe that's my hug from Him tonight...thank you, Lord.  Thank you for something so small that meant so much to me tonight.

Enjoy this beautiful video, my friends.  Drifting off here soon with these words in my heart...

"But Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good;
But Jesus I was wondering
if you would...
Hug him once for me?..."

Sending momma's hug to Heaven tonight to my baby Jacob...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk&feature=youtu.be

Kim

Time is Running Out -- part 1

Last Friday. 

I gave Sam my standard hug and "I love you!" before letting him take that first big step up onto the school bus.  The bus driver gave me a cheery "Have a good weekend!" and a smile and I stepped back to look for my baby in the first-seat window.  He smiled at me, waved and gave me a 'heart'--our hand-shaped gesture of love.  I returned the gesture by blowing a kiss, waving and giving him my 'heart'. 

Only as the bus started to slowly roll away did I see the little girl who always sits behind Sammy.  She waved at me too.  And she curled her fingers into a heart-shape against the glass.  My smile widened and I waved more for her.

After watching the bus go around the corner, I turned to walk back up the driveway.  And it was then that the tears started flowing.  I'd held them in since this morning and during the last few days of uncertainty but now they weren't taking no for an answer.  Seeing that little girl wave and give me a 'heart' was just too much.  Why on today of all days had this little girl chosen to wave and share with me such a loving gesture that Sammy & I do for each other?  She'd never before done this.  I don't even know who she is.

I went back into the house and crawled into bed with my younger son to take a nap.  I sobbed as I thought about her sweet gesture and about the little girl we would probably never have.

This last round of fertility treatments was probably the hardest on me.  Not only physically, but also emotionally as well.  For the first time ever, I actually thought I might be pregnant.  I didn't just hope I might be, I actually thought I was based on what I had been feeling as far as physical symptoms.  Turns out it was all fake--well, real in that the symptoms were real but fake in that they were caused by the stupid shots and not by an actual pregnancy.

Three or four weeks ago.  When this cycle started I was feeling optimistic just like I normally did.  I knew that things could go one way or another but was hopeful that perhaps this time since we were trying IUI, we might just sway things in the positive direction a bit.  So I took my Femara on Days 3-7.  I went into the RE's office to have my ultrasound done on day 9.  This was pretty early for me since I normally go in on day 10 but with day 10 being a Sunday we went in early in the hopes of not missing my ovulation.

My day 9 ultrasound showed that the follicles weren't ready to trigger yet.  Even though they told me this was normal, I was a bit worried.  I always ovulated early. The nurse scheduled me for a second ultrasound on Monday, I think it was.  This time when I went in the follicles were closer to the size they needed to be.  I was told to do my trigger shot on Tuesday night and that our IUI would be Thursday morning.

Just in case it might help, we had been trying on our own off and on throughout the weekend and then even on their suggested schedule of Tuesday night.  I don't think I slept at all Wednesday evening. I had no idea of what to expect for the procedure.  It cracks me up now to think about how nervous I was for something so simple but when you are in the dark about something it can be pretty frightening to think about. 

Thursday, about two or three weeks ago.  Alex's part went well.  I guess that's how you word it?  :)  He went in early that morning, did his thing and came back to get us.  My procedure was supposed to be at 9:45 but they didn't get to me until almost 10:15!  I was trying not to panic about the time seeing as how my son was supposed to catch his bus at 11:49! 

The doctor came in with the nurse and they had me sign paperwork--this is me, that's my hubby's sperm, yup, yup.  Then my RE, whom I very rarely see and have much conversation with, asked me to look at the number on the form. I read it aloud as he asked me to.  Well, that number was my hubby's sperm count.  Apparently it was not just good but off the charts good!  My RE said that they very rarely see someone what that many sperm.  I laughed and said I'd have to tell my husband he did well.  We all joked for a few minutes and I ended with, "Well, it's too bad this can't help me any."  My RE said, "Well, actually it can.  Sometimes when we have one partner who is deficient (that would be me), if the other has something like this, it might just help make up for the deficiency." 

Wow.  That was the first GOOD news I had ever heard come out of my RE's mouth.  He was the same guy who painted that awfully gloomy picture of black for us back in March.  Now even if my hubby's super sperm (that's what I've dubbed it) give me even a half of a half of a half of a percent increase in our chances, well, I'll take it.  I take all of the good news I can in this journey.

So.  The procedure ended up being relatively painless to which I was grateful.  The nurse had said I may feel my uterus contracting or something like that and period-like cramping.  Nope.  Didn't feel a thing!  My cervix wasn't tipped or anything--it was in a perfect position which made the doc's job even easier.  The worst part was probably the speculum but we all know how much fun that is anyway.  After a few minutes I was handed a timer and told to lie flat for 7 minutes.  Wow.  That was it.

Luckily we made it home in time for Sammy to catch his bus and this was the first time Daddy was there to see him off too.  For the rest of the day I felt fine and was thankful that the procedure had been so painless and easy to move forward from.

That night I went to my folk dance group and danced for 3.5 hours! I loved it.  It was truly like I needed to be there.  The music just carried me away and allowed me to stop thinking of dates and times and schedules--pills, shots, intercourse.  I could just be in the moment.

With the first two weeks of my cycle out of the way I felt like a lot of pressure had been lifted.  What I was into now was the "tww" which stands for "two week wait."  For those of you not in the baby loss community, did you even think of all of the acronyms that are out there?  The "tww" is just one of many!  So here I was in the my two week wait and I actually felt better knowing that I had done everything I could at that point and that again, it was in God's hands.  I felt a lot of relief.

Tuesday following my IUI.  That Tuesday, about 5-6 days later, I had some strong crampy feelings.  My first thought was that my period was going to be coming soon.  Again I called my RE and they said what they told me the previous month, based on the timing, it could be early PMS or possibly implantation cramping.  Wouldn't you know that I had to go look that up again?  I keep telling myself to stay off of the computer.  Stop looking up pregnancy symptoms. But no, I had to go yet again and found out that implantation can occur as early as 5-6 days past ovulation all the way up to 12 days past.  Wow.  So I was in that ballpark for my pain.  Hmm.

That was the last symptom that I felt.  No spotting which I had had before.  No other ideas that my period was coming.  And so the hope slowly began to build.

One week ago.  As I entered into my final week of the "tww" I kept trying not to think about my test date.  I also noticed that I was developing more strange symptoms that are totally unlike me.  Remember last cycle where I was about flattened by the fatigue?  Turns out that was caused by my second shot--since it's the pregnancy hormone, it causes actual symptoms of pregnancy--like extreme fatigue.

Not only was I feeling extreme fatigue this time but also stomach troubles.  Lots of gas.  Not like you care to know that but boy, it didn't matter what I ate, it was not settling well in my tummy.  I just figured my stomach was out of whack about something and tried not to think about it. 

Tuesday, one week ago.  That Tuesday of my 4th week I developed a new symptom that REALLY threw me.  Heartburn.  I had to go look up those symptoms because to tell the truth, I really wasn't sure that's what it was.  I normally never have heartburn/acid reflux/whatever and only got it when I was pregnant with all of my boys.  Upon reading of how heartburn is triggered in early pregnancy by the pregnancy hormone and other hormones loosening some flap between your stomach and esophagus, I thought--well, that makes sense.  Huh.

The heartburn settled down a bit but my nauseous feelings continued off and on for the next few days.  I had to have my pregnancy test pushed back all the way to last Friday instead of Wednesday. I caught their error and called them and they realized they had scheduled my test too early.  Last time it took forever for me to get the hcg shot out of my body so I had to be re-tested.  They were trying to avoid that this time.

The other significant thing about that Tuesday was that it was day 26 of my cycle.  My cycles are typically 25 days long and I should have gotten my period that day for sure...or even earlier.  But, no period.  Hmm.  Home pregnancy test was positive although I knew that I was still within the 10-day window of my second shot and that I was picking up the hcg.  That's okay.  I figured I'd keep testing until it went negative...or perhaps stayed positive.

Wednesday, just last week.  The day my dreams started to fall.  Spotting that evening.  I remember saying, "Oh God, no! Please no!"  as I stared at the toilet paper.  It was just a faint pinkish-tannish but I knew in my gut what it meant.  My period was coming.  Another brand of home testing showed a negative.  Another major punch in the gut.  That night I had to buy my original brand of test.  Even though I knew my period was coming, I was desperately holding on to hope that maybe it wasn't.  The original test was back to positive.  Talk about a yo-yo of emotions building in the past few days.

This day had to have been the worst that I have felt since losing Jacob last October.  After I got the negative test and the slight spotting, I went and sat at the dining room table.  I just stared out of the window for a few minutes.  I didn't have much more time but took just a few minutes to do nothing.  It felt almost like a death.  I really thought, not for sure, but thought that I might just actually be pregnant and all of those bizzare symptoms that I had felt might actually be do to a pregnancy. 

Then I felt stupid.  I felt like I had been suckered in by this whole thing and that I fell prey to it.  I hated feeling like that.  I wanted to be stronger than that.

Thursday, just last week and one day from official test day.  More spotting that night.  Home test still showing a faint positive line.  Tried to prepare myself for the official news.  I felt it.  I knew Wednesday that things weren't good.  The nurse said some women bleed all throughout their pregnancy and it's normal. I knew and hoped that if I was pregnant, I would fear what the bleeding would mean.  Either way, it wasn't looking good in my mind.

I also had to call my nurse today to figure out what on earth to do...if my period started and when, or if it didn't.  Their phones don't open until 8:30 and my appointment was scheduled for then.  It's all timing. 

Last Friday morning.  No "flow" yet. I had been told to come in if I didn't have flow (heavy bleeding) or to call and reschedule for an ultrasound if I did.  The nurse drawing my blood told me my period should have started by now.  I was like, Geez, please don't get my hopes up any more.  It's coming.  It's probably coming today.

Ready for another yo-yo?  One of my regular nurses came into talk with me for some reason after the other nurse did my blood draw.  First she scolded me for taking home tests when I knew the hcg would still be in my system from the shot.  I have no clue why she did this because it's not like I was whining or worrying or even said anything about it.  I thought, "What do you care?"  I was actually very matter-of-fact in knowing my period was coming.  I was simply reporting to them what I had found because they asked if I tested at home.  Duh.

My nurse even clarified that perhaps the shot hcg went out of my system (hence the faint positive line) and then my own would build back up and that home tests might pick this up if they were sensitive enough to indeed pick it up.  Apparently the one test I used is awesome and super sensitive.  Good to know.  Maybe.

And then my nurse did something awful.  She crushed my dreams. Stomped all over them.  Left them in pieces there in the blood draw room.  If the cramping, spotting, impending period news and negative pregnancy test weren't all enough to throw at me on top of the last week of building hope and actually feeling pregnant, she thought she'd hit me with a lot more.
She started counting how many rounds of this treatment plan I'd been doing and said that I would have to take this next round off and meet with the doctor to discuss my options at this point.  She leaned on the counter and said, "We're fighting that low AMH score with you.  You just aren't making a lot of eggs and that signifies diminished ovarian reserve."  No kidding, really??  Do you think I've forgotten how abysmal my scores are??  Must you remind me??  And on a day like today???  She went through the one option of injectables if the doc would go that route but said she just didn't know. 

So I leave the RE's office feeling more crampy and more down than ever.  I truly felt like my nurse's little speech was more of a getting ready to "kick me to the curb" speech than anything else.  I know my options are limited.  Oh sure, there's maybe IVF which we can't afford.  And who could forget egg donation?  Sure. I have $20K in my pocket right now for that.  Yup.

I fought tears as I went back to the car to relay all of this to Alex.  He suggested we start looking for another doc to work with.  A second opinion.  The sky over me was getting more and more gloomy.  It was so hard getting Sammy ready for school.  He noticed my mood and asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?"  I sat on the driveway with him waiting for the bus and told him I was sad because the doctor said it was hard for me to have a baby. He said, "Oh," and hugged me.  Just the other day he was talking about where we'd put his baby's sister's car seat in the car.  Out of the blue. 

And then the bus came.  Sammy and I gave our 'hearts' to each other...and then the little dark-haired girl in the seat behind him made that special shape that my sons and I share.  Why had she chosen this day of all of days to do the same gesture to some other little boy's mommy?  It was too much.  It was as if seeing her do that shoved the pain of not ever having another baby, let alone a little girl, even deeper into my heart.  And that's when I cried.  Finally.  After all week of holding back, I cried for the lost that I felt thinking I had been pregnant.  And I cried for the lack of another chance--for the extinguishing of hope. 

To be continued....

Kim

An Overwhelmingly Sad Day

Well, I'm back.  And it's late.  What's new?  I'm always the late-night poster. :)  That's probably because it's the only time I have free time to write. 

I'm sorry for the lengthy delay in responding.  Been a fast, furious and fatiguing several weeks. 

Will keep this post short so I can try to get to bed for at least a bit...before we head out of town tomorrow.

Today was rough.  I've been thinking a lot lately about so many women I've met in the Baby Loss Community--both online and in person.  They are such beautiful, compassionate and supportive women.  We all share a common bond--the loss of a baby.  Today for some reason and more than normal, I was feeling their losses, I was looking at pictures of their babies at various ages when they passed away and I even saw a picture of a little boy who may have looked like Jacob did when he died at 13 weeks in my womb.  What a sweet little baby...so tender, so innocent...just like my Jacob.

And then right before dinner, I saw a note that a woman in one of our facebook baby loss communities was right then in labor to deliver her son who died two days prior.  I couldn't believe it.  Yes, we know this stuff happens all the time but how often do we know right when it's happening?  Here I was sitting down to dinner with my boys, about to eat teriyaki chicken and I couldn't stop thinking of what this woman was going through.  My heart still goes out to her and her family.  Just yesterday she had posted a question about not feeling her baby move for the last day or so. I, along with so many others, advised her to go to the doctor and not to wait.  I know we all held her in our prayers as we hoped that the baby was okay.

On a personal note, earlier I had to reschedule my blood test for next week.  Actually I had to push it back--just what every woman who is trying to conceive wants to do, you know?  My nurse wants to make sure we don't catch my trigger shot like we did last time (I'll have to fill you in later).  So I still have another week left to wait.  I can't even cheat and take a home pregnancy test because it will just pick up the hcg in my system from the shot so no go there.  Patience, patience and more patience. 

Can I be honest?  Part of me is horribly scared.  What if?  What if this time things somehow were to work?  I will have to give more details to catch you up on this latest round of fertility treatments in a day or so...but let's just pretend things do work.  I've known that even if I get a positive it's a long, scary road with an unknown destination.  Maybe I'll never get that chance to go down that road again, I don't know.  Would I stop trying because I don't want to take that path?  Nope.  I can't do that.  I don't know.  It's just so scary knowing that I may make it even farther than 13 weeks only to lose another baby.  And yet, even though I am well aware of this, I have to keep trying until there are no options left.

My hope and prayer is simple.  If I do get pregnant again that I can 1) be strong enough to get through whatever happens with God's help, and that of my friends and family and 2) that I will celebrate each and every day with that baby with joy, hope and love...no matter how short or long that time may be.   Joy, lots and lots of joy.  That's what I want.  I want to share that joy with all of you if I'm ever able.

Do you know that's what I still feel about Jacob?  Joy.  I think today may have been when I found out that I was pregnant last year.  It's got to be getting close but since I'm not organized enough to find last year's calendar right now all I can do is to go by gut feelings and timing.  I remember the shock and joy I felt at finally becoming pregnant again!  I still feel that joy for my son.  I love him dearly.  I would not have changed anything that happened (well, of course that he lived)...but even though he left us, I know he is happy and so loved in Heaven.  Just knowing I have him waiting there for me brings me such comfort.  He lives in my heart too...always.

For some reason the tears fell a bit more freely than normal today.  Perhaps because I was overwhelmed by the grief that others have been suffering, maybe having 3 "slower than normal" days in my life allowed feelings to surface that I normally keep buried under all of my busyness, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what caused my off and on sadness today.  Who knows, if this hcg in my system mimics pregnancy symptoms as I'm told it does, that might explain my mood too.  I know it definitely has knocked me on my butt fatigue-wise just like last month.

That would also explain my absence from writing--too plain tired to write at 3:00 AM! :) 

Well, friends just wanted to let you know I'm still here, my blog is still here and I have lots and lots to write about!  I must tell you to end on a happy note how much I am looking forward to the month of October.  I've dubbed that, "Jacob's month", and have all sorts of things planned--from my blog, to our day to remember him, to things I will be doing to honor my sweet baby who is waiting for me in Heaven.  I really am looking forward to a month-long celebration of his short, yet special time here on this earth.  I hope you'll join me in celebrating him.

With joy in my heart for my Jacob,

Kim :)