Does anyone else know where the summer has gone? Wow, it sure has flown by here. It's so hard to think back to just one month ago when it was the 4th of July and we were celebrating the Red, White and Blue...and, when I was agonizing over what those colors were like for me at that time.
Where to start? What's happened in the last few weeks? I've been bouncing all over the place. Not just physically, but also mentally.
My last cycle was only 19 days long. I had no warning, my period just started and way too early! I was told by the nurses that cycle length varies due to fertility medications so I tried not to worry about it. I also figured that since I had a cyst, that may have thrown things off a bit, who knows.
Well, with my cycles that close together it's not like there is a lot of time for planning and preparations. Wham, bam, boom. Another cycle. Decisions to be made. Doctor appointments to cram in and money to be found...or not. Stress levels start rising with the start of each period.
Amazingly, all of my woes and worries for when this last cycle would start were put to rest when my period started at the last possible date that it could have prior to our trip to Washington, D.C. It allowed me to schedule my baseline ultrasound for early Wednesday morning. Alex had just returned to town on Monday evening from an extended drill weekend in Kentucky, went to work on Tuesday and came to pick us up at my mom's that evening and then to return to Dayton late that night.
It was a short night for me Tuesday, and we all got up early to go to my doctor appointment for my ultrasound. Good news--my cyst had shrunk--and I had 8 follicles! Wow! I don't know when I've had that many. Of course, I knew they may not all grow but it was kind of neat hearing that I had that many.
We ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up my Femara prescription which I was to start taking that night. And, after about another hour to finish adding my hubby's stuff to our already crammed van (we had packed the boys' toys, clothes, etc. as well as mine the night before at my mom's), we finally set off for D.C.
Our trip to Washington, D.C. was a bit longer than we thought. I think it was like 14 hours or something like that. I don't remember for sure but it was getting difficult in the wee hours. We had one major delay with the van that slowed us down. We were somewhere in some rural mountains and realized the back hatch wouldn't open. Alex had to crawl into the back from the front. This meant slithering over tons of stuff on what was one of those extreme heat days a few weeks back (remember how most of the country was in triple digits with severe heat warnings?) in order to pull out Mary, our old terrier. She was in a cage in the back of the van and was now stuck. I knew we still had several hours to go and didn't want to risk leaving her back there without a potty break or water so Alex braved the piles and stacks and crawled back out over the boys' seats with Mary in his arms. I then rode with her at my feet up front for the rest of the trip.
It wasn't only that delay which added to our lengthy trip. It was also the path we took. Coming from Dayton, we soon found that most of our drive was through mountains! And tons of them! Curves, sneaky paths, twisting and turning up and down the hills made for a slower and more cautious drive than if we had been on straight roads.
Well, our trip to D.C. was great. Alex's conference went extremely well and we even managed 2 days to sight see during the heatwave. Everyone had a great time. But, Alex & I were whooped in the end. We drove back to my mom's in Seville to pick up another dog that she was babysitting for us. We laid over that night and took off for Dayton the next day.
If you've been mentally calculating the days in my cycle you'd see that we should be somewhere nearing our "window" in this cycle. Well, try facing that window when you're tired and then frustrated because you're tired. I wish I could say that for me it as all because I was just tired but it wasn't just that. I think going into this cycle I was crabby. The last cycle with the cyst was 'non-existent' for the most part. I was doubtful and had a "great attitude" going into this round. Several times I thought to myself, "Why even bother? Why am I putting myself through all of this? It won't work anyway."
Consequently, I wasn't as focused on the task at hand as much as I should have been. I was like, "Eh...whatever." And then I'd beat myself up for feeling like that and thought, "Why would God give you a baby with a terrible attitude like this?" One night Alex & I even got into a fight prior to our "window". That's really great, huh? I was mad because he was tired and because I always have to remind him of the dates and timing. He was mad simply because he was tired and who knows what else. We had a pretty serious discussion about making this a priority and ways to make sure that dates are cleared as much as possible, etc. Thankfully, we cleared the air and resumed with the work at hand. I can only wonder how many other couples feel the stress and get into similar arguments? So very difficult.
I hate to say it but we didn't even hit all of our windows this last round. I felt terrible. My nurse told me not to fret about the exact timing and that we hit the most critical. I tried to shake off my frustration, held on to the fact that we did do the most critical windows and looked forward to starting over with this next cycle approaching.
And then suddenly, I noticed how extremely tired I was over the weekend. I mean, I was pooped. I was beyond pooped. It was terrible. It was so hard to get things done. I didn't think anything of it until that Sunday right after supper when I felt myself entering a yawning marathon. Even Alex noticed my exhaustion and said how unlike me that was. I'd like to think that normally I'm pretty hearty! I can get by on little sleep when I have to or when insomnia hits. I somehow find the rest when I need it and build myself back up. But this time I just couldn't get caught up.
It was then that I remembered something my nurse told me when I got my trigger shot on Day 10. She said something about the shot containing the pregnancy hormone, progesterone, and that it causes pregnancy symptoms in some women--one of them being tiredness. A-HA! Maybe that was it? But why don't I remember being this tired the one other time I had the shot? With that question on my mind, I drifted off quite easily that night.
A chat with my nurse on Monday confirmed that more than likely it was the progesterone making me tired. Follow that up with ANOTHER shot that day and more Zzz..... on the way for me. Supposedly it takes 10 days for the progesterone to get out of your system so I still have another 2 days to wait it out. Unless....
And this is where the title of my blog comes in. Hope. Why, oh why, oh WHY did I have to have this tiredness symptom of pregnancy this cycle? I know that more than likely, what I've been feeling has been simply a side effect of the Ovidrel shot but I would be lying if part of me didn't stop more than once and wonder, what if? Could I be this tired because maybe something did work this round? Maybe I could just be pregnant??? Probably not...but possibly??? Why wasn't I this tired before? Even after the first shot I don't remember being this tired at all. Maybe you can react differently each time, I don't know.
Another step towards Hope. My progesterone test on Thursday of last week came back really good. My level was a 40. Previously my other two tests were in the low 20s. Obviously the second shot probably had something to do with this but still, they told me that I had a really good ovulation and that the second shot was supporting what the body does naturally to support an egg being implanted if it was fertilized. Why can't the dumb test TELL you that though?
Even though I totally don't understand the necessity of testing one's progesterone every treatment cycle, here's what I'm walking away with:
1. Maybe it's how it was in school--high school or something like that--where an A was an A. It didn't matter if you barely made it with a 90/92 or 94 or if you totally aced it with a 98. If you had an A, you had an A. As long as your progesterone score is above 15, that's good and that's it.
2. I'm very THANKFUL that the medication is working and that I AM having good ovulations! If that is something that some women struggle with in conceiving, then I need to recognize that and be thankful that I am having good ovulations. Take time to thank God for all that I can.
So what do I do about Hope? Part of me so desperately wants to think that maybe, just maybe, my tiredness is a result of possibly being pregnant. And if my progesterone score shows a good level, than that's really good. Oh, but the inner battle! I told myself I wasn't going to let myself do this again. And here I am watching every strange symptom that my body shows and wondering about it. I'm finding myself frustrated at my hope and fearing a major letdown in a few days. You see, I don't think I've felt this hopeful in awhile and coming off of my 19 day cyst cycle and then the start of this one with my "give up" attitude, I'm ready for a little optimism. In fact, I need it. I'm clinging to it. I'm desperate for it!
Hope is one of those things that I think we all need. Without it, our lives have no sense of 'maybes', 'what ifs' or 'could bes'. They are simply what we stare at every day with no thought of anything different in the future. But when we dare to hope, we are setting are selves up for the potential of what we want not coming to be. The risk is huge. We hope that our marriages will work out. We hope that our spouses will live to be a ripe old age with us. We hope that our family will stay healthy and happy. We hope that we will continue to have a job in a crummy economy. We hope and yet we know that things could fall through in an instant.
No one knows this more than a parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, still birth or infant loss. I have heard of so many mothers who fear that the child born after the child they lost, may not make it. The stories are the same--these women get up throughout the night to make sure their child is still breathing. I do that every night. I think I always have, actually, but since losing Jacob last fall, I feel like I watch over Sammy and Benny even more sometimes. It's hard to explain why, but I think knowing what can happen to those we love makes us more protective.
I know that our attempts to conceive again carry a huge risk. Will we get pregnant? Will we have a miscarriage? How on earth would I make it through 38 weeks???
And yet, despite all of my fears, I still cling to hope. I am desperate to hope. I don't think we can exist without it. I know I can't. No matter how tough we want to be. Despite the fact that I want to toughen myself up for what's going to happen in three days, a big part of me doesn't want to. I want to remain vulnerable. I need to if I'm going to have any chance at having another baby. If not, I might as well truly quit right now.
What's coming in a few days? You guessed it. My scheduled pregnancy test at my RE's. I have never before made it to one of these as my period has always come before the scheduled test. Now, despite the fact that frequently my period gives me signs that its coming--spotting, cramping, etc.--watch this time it will lay in wait and perhaps even not start prior to my test leaving me fully open to the test results when my nurse calls sometime Thursday afternoon. Please pray that I'll have the strength to get through that morning if that is indeed what happens! I still can't fathom how I'll keep myself busy enough to not go crazy after my blood test--unless my period comes prior to then.
I'm at day 22...well, actually since it's midnight I can say I'm on day 23 now. Last time my cycle was only 19 days. I don't remember what it was before that. I'm thankful also that I made it past 19 days. That kind of freaked me out a bit having a cycle that short. Every day forward is a good one!
I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days. I know that I'm desperate, truly desperate, to hold on to some hope at this point in my journey. Last night, as we were packing and getting ready to leave my mom's where we had spent the weekend going to a parade and a county fair, I saw a rainbow. Not just a piece of one, but the entire beautiful rainbow reaching from end to end! I couldn't stop looking at it. Even after I ran in the house to get everyone to come look and take pictures, I still found myself watching it fade away and felt...hope. I felt like God was sending me a message to keep holding on. Here we were about to get underway and tackle this busy week that included my blood test. And right before we left, I spotted what I needed to see. A rainbow.
Fellow moms who have lost babies are familiar with this term but others of you reading may not be. Do you know what a "rainbow baby" is? In the Baby Loss Community, this is a term used to describe the baby who comes after the storm--that is our loss of a child--our rainbow. This baby doesn't replace the one we lost, it simply represents the hope that comes again after such a tragedy in our lives.
Could I be carrying my rainbow baby right now? I'm sure the statistics out there say no, and my period might play a mean trick on me this month and start at 5:00 AM Thursday morning or something totally unfair. But, anything is possible. If God wants us to have another baby then all of the statistics in the world mean nada. It could just be so if He makes it so. And, I have to keep reminding myself to hold on to hope even if it doesn't happen this round. Anything is possible.
One more note about rainbows. Several years ago when we lived in Oklahoma, Sammy was only two weeks old when he became colicky. Horribly colicky. He cried all the time. One time I clocked him at over 10 hours straight. I kid you not!! It was terrible. Alex would wear ear plugs to drown out the noise when he'd hold Sam. I can only imagine what the stress levels were in our household that summer of 2006.
On a particularly trying day, I told Alex I needed to clear my head for just a bit. I was a stay-at-home mom still recovering from a c-section with an infection in it. I had a baby who cried all the time and nothing I did would soothe him. I had no break from the non-stop crying. None. I didn't go anywhere ever. I had been crying and had a headache so told Alex I had to go for a walk. Right then. I handed Sammy to him and he took our wailing baby to the computer room and put his earplugs in.
I remember as I left our driveway and got onto the road I could still hear Sammy crying outside!!! I couldn't believe it. That kid sure had some lungs on him! It was a light rain at the time and I didn't have an umbrella but I didn't care. I just had to get out of the house for just a few moments. I wanted to extend my walk and keep going at one point but I thought, "No, Alex might not know what to do with the baby, you really should get back." I remember giving a big sigh and right then I looked in the direction that I had originally wanted to go on my walk--and there was a rainbow. Never before had seeing something so common in nature meant so much to me. It was like I instantly felt lighter. I smiled. I smiled up at the sky. I think I talked to God right there in the street thanking Him for sending me that rainbow and for telling me that things were going to be okay. It was as if He agreed that I should turn around right then and go back to my baby. That I would be stronger when I went into the house.
I will never forget that day and that message of hope that I received. If I wouldn't have still been a bit achy I probably would have skipped back to our house!! I don't remember exactly what happened when I went home but I know I felt better. I probably took a screaming baby back into my arms and gave him a big kiss. All that mattered to me was that hope still existed. I wasn't doomed to non-stop crying for the rest of my life. God was with me and our family and He would give us the strength to make it through. And do you know what? For 4 months, we did. We made it! When Sammy turned 4 months old, the crying stopped--almost like a light switch!
All I can do this week is to take one day at a time, keep myself busy, and keep hoping and praying that perhaps we will be taking the next step on this journey and that is towards our rainbow baby. The storm is certainly rocky, full of risks and dropping bucketfuls of fear on me sometimes but I can only imagine how wonderful the rainbow looks when the storm clears...may my rainbow be a sweet little baby to come into our lives.
I trust you, Lord. Please give me the strength to keep hoping and to keep trusting in you. Thank you for those in my life who continue to pray for me and our family during this wonderfully challenging and yet beautiful journey of faith, hope and love!
Is there a storm in your life right now? Go after your rainbows, my friends! They are out there, I know they are. We just have to keep moving forward and keep our eyes upward. Our rainbows are out there!
Kim :)
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Showing posts with label Femara. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Femara. Show all posts
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Season of Growing
So here we are. It's slightly past mid-June and summer has come and decided to stay...finally! For us folks in Ohio, we had a teaser of spring coming back once or twice but I think summer's hanging on now for the long haul.
In the past three weeks I've found myself doing something that I never thought I'd love. Gardening. Planting. Weeding. That sounds so silly. I can't believe I'm even admitting it but you know how sometimes things in life just feel right? You may not be thinking of it consciously but it's there...at some point you smile to yourself and say, "This is right. I feel content and happy." Well, that's how I felt again this evening--it was my third time in the past few weeks planting flowers at our new house.
Now, what no one knows is that I've never been much of a green thumb. I can remember as a kid we would have family work days where on a Saturday we would work as a family to clean out the garage, rake leaves, etc. Typical chores kind of stuff. For some reason, as much as I loved to play outside, to ride my bike outside and to feel the grass beneath my bare feet, I just wasn't one to care to plant flowers, veggies, pull weeds or anything. In fact, if I had a choice of chores, I would usually pick the inside stuff like vacuuming or dusting while my mom, dad and brother went outside to work. I know I wasn't fond of dirt and bugs were definitely not high on my list so perhaps that was it?? For whatever reason, I preferred housework to yard work.
Anyway, as I grew older, got out on my own and then married, I did try to plant flowers wherever we lived. I never had any luck. In Texas, it was just too hot. Plain and simple. I could never figure out how often to water what I had planted in pots outside of my apartment during my grad school years and so every flower died within a week.
Oklahoma wasn't much better. Our home there had a few bushes and ugly grass. It wasn't very scenic. It was also very shady so didn't allow for petunias and the like to enjoy the sun.
Let's move ahead to when we lived in Tennessee..any luck? Nope. When I planted flowers in flower boxes at our one house, they all died. Too much water? Not enough? Who knows. Of course it probably didn't help that one box fell right off of the porch because the wood had rotted. Bad memories of that place. Enough said about that.
I think besides the weather, the other problem that I found through my adventures in gardening was that we have always been renting homes. We've moved 5 times in 7 years (yes, you read that right) so haven't officially settled down yet (but I'm really hoping we can buy soon!) Most of our homes didn't have flower beds or any space to try to plant flowers or a garden in. I guess I could have just dug up some grass and plopped a flower into it but I kind of think the homeowners wouldn't have appreciated that much.
So you have my history of not being too in to gardening. Let me throw a contradiction out there if it makes sense. Would you believe that oh, in the past 5 or more years I've found myself imagining what life would be like on a farm? Not that I'd ever see myself as a farmer but...well, I guess I've been attracted to the calmness. To the idea of trying to understand how the earth works--when dirt is ready for planting, how to plant and actually grow things, how to eat what you grow, etc. My space. My land. I guess it's kind of a secret dream of mine to maybe someday buy a couple acres and play around with it. A garden here. A flower bed there. A play area for the kids over there. Space for my husband's dream Army WWII Jeep somewhere (wait, that's his dream!)
Well, I guess you could say here in Dayton, we've hit the jackpot as far as space. The house we are currently living in has TONS of flowerbeds. They are everywhere. When we moved in last August, they were overgrown with weeds and such and we didn't want to spend money to plant so late in the season. But, once the rainy spring finally let up a few weeks ago I jumped in and gave it a shot. Our landlord has joked with me several times saying that if he had it his way he'd dig up every bed and put grass seed in. But, because it was his mother-in-law's house and she's still alive, they can't change things too much in case she wants to drive by to see her old home. She really misses it and prided herself on her flowers. He told us several times too that we weren't expected to do the flower/mulch thing but I told him I wanted to for us. I love how flowers look so was so excited to see what might happen. Did I mention that in the past our home had been in House Beautiful Magazine for it's beautiful landscaping?? Talk about a past!
I think a big part of my recent enjoyment of planting came when we returned from a week-long trip to my mom's. I was so surprised to see that the petunias and marigolds I had planted were STILL ALIVE!! And, would you believe the seeds I planted were sprouting?? Well, whatever you call it--sprouts, seedlings...little green stuff was poking through the dirt. I have never had any luck ever with seeds and yet, here they were showing themselves! I was overjoyed to see that something I planted had actually lived. And they live still!!
I've found myself thinking a lot about this in the past few weeks, and especially tonight as I was planting more flowers that I bought while at my mom's. When I was pulling weeds from the warm earth with my bare fingers earlier today, I felt proud of the work I was doing. I knew I'd see the result and be happy with it. So it was raining. So I had dirt in my fingernails. It just felt right to be there in that moment doing what I was doing.
And then tonight again after dinner, even as my cheap shovel broke in two, I was still smiling as I plopped each little flower into their hole. You know how people talk about "seasons" of their lives? I think there's even a song--"For every season..." something-something-something. Well, I've heard that a lot in the past 2 years. Friends in writing groups, online, etc. have mentioned that they were in this season or that season of their lives. Even my Christian Writing Group in Texas last year mentioned that. That sometimes members were with us for a season and then may have to step out for a bit. The idea of "seasons" of our lives has kind of stuck with me.
Is this a season of growing for me? Could it be? Not just a green thumb but perhaps a pink thumb or a light blue one? Some of you might be wondering where we are at with our fertility treatments. We've finished "round 2" as I like to call it. Basically this is the second month of treatment that we've gone through with the RE. It was nice to finally be able to start a month ago. We did Femara for two cycles now. Femara works like Clomid and blocks the estrogen, I think, so that something else beefs up and helps your eggs grow better. I ovulated on my own last cycle and had a great ovulation based on my progesterone test but no luck beyond that.
For this cycle, they caught me just in time and gave me the trigger shot--Ovidrel--to start the ovulation process and help mature the egg. For those of you not familiar with this stuff, Ovidrel is a shot you get in your stomach. EEK! Well, it's not that bad. I hate needles so planned for the nurse to give it to me. It hurt a tad but nothing like I thought it could. Thankfully it's a little tiny needle that goes just below the surface of your skin. I still don't totally get it, but apparently by them triggering my ovulation we can better time intercourse. I just do what they say to do.
Well, with our eh, assignment, in hand, we did what we were supposed to do. While it was most definitely enjoyable, I won't lie and say it wasn't also a bit of work. I tell you, I am constantly thinking of couples who go through this and more for months and years to try to conceive. My heart truly goes out to them because it gets to be really taxing on you physically, emotionally, and of course, not to mention financially. Because we had timing to consider, we didn't always get a lot of sleep. Life goes on, you know. It doesn't just stop for you to do your fertility thing. The boys were in Bible School that week. We had just returned from an out of town trip. We have been getting ready for another big trip across country. To say that our efforts were a breeze would be a big ol' fib.
Work. Yes, trying to have a baby can be a lot of work. Just like trying to get things to grow outside. As I struggled with some of the weeds tonight I kept telling myself, "It's worth it. Think of how pretty this spot will look when you're done. Think of the stress you're relieving!" :) That's what I kept telling myself throughout the last week of our attempts as well. It's worth it to put forth the extra effort--to at least try. I remember I made that decision with myself back at the beginning on the fertility journey when I found out that I had old eggs. In February of this year, I had said that I'd try for as long as I could. I had been pregnant before and could be again if I tried hard enough, and if it was to be. But I knew I had to put forth the effort--to take the medications, deal with the side effects, plan our lives around doctor appointments, etc. If there were options, we'd go for it. If we could afford it, we'd do it. I'm grateful that my husband knows that this isn't an easy task. He's put forth the effort too (obviously) and so we run to appointment after appointment, he has to listen to me worry about new medications when I get them, cry if I have a cyst that prevents treatment, etc. He also just stays tuned in to when I tell him it's showtime.
As I walked around the yard tonight I stopped and checked out some little seedlings in a smaller bed. They don't look so good. A few of them in the row that I planted a few weeks ago are poking through but they are much tinier than all of the others in the yard. I don't even remember what flower I planted there--perhaps it was something that needed more sun than the area is getting, I don't know. I planted a bunch of impatiens around that area to give them some friends. I figure I'll see what happens when I get back from my trip in about 10 days. If they don't start growing more, I'll just re-plant more flowers there and figure that they just didn't take root.
I find myself wondering about how seeds take root. You can do everything right but sometimes things still don't grow. Just like in trying to make a baby. I truly believe it's way more than just science. God has a hand it in, I know He does. I like imagining Him as the Gardener who forms us in the womb--I love that verse in the Bible. I know He knew my special little Jacob in the womb. He had plans for my little sweetheart.
In thinking about my little flower seeds that are struggling, I find myself worrying about my own gardening going on. Has an egg made friends with some sperm recently? Will something take root and start to grow? Is it a good egg??
I go tomorrow for my progesterone test. I hope my score is as good as last round. Last round they said it was "excellent" and for some reason, both doctors said this. I still wonder why both docs looked at my blood tests when I only see one of them? Perhaps it's because I'm older so they were discussing how well Femara works in older women?? :) Hah. Who knows! But hey, I'll take the "excellent" news any way I can.
If they call me with a similar rating tomorrow afternoon, I still have to wait another week or so to take the HcG test. Our out-of-town trip is delaying how soon I can take the test but I hope to take it July 1. What I don't get is why they are scheduling me for this. I thought in the past they just told me to come in if and when my next cycle started to start the baseline ultrasound process all over. I am nervous about that appointment. Well, actually, I'm nervous about missing it! We'll be getting in late the night prior so there's no wiggle room here. I'd hate to miss it and have to wait until July 5 (with the holiday) to get in. Of course, if things don't work this round, I'd probably find out on my own either through the urine home tests or if my cycle starts up at some point.
Where does that put me right now? I really don't know. I've been wondering how I would answer this question if someone out there reading my blog asked me how I feel--optimistic? hopeful? doubtful? I just don't know. I think I'm still very hopeful in general. But I can't even begin to imagine it, you know? It seems almost foreign to me. And scary, very scary. Because I know that even if I get a plus sign or two lines or a great blood test, I may not get a heartbeat. Or my precious little one might only make it a short while. It's a very difficult spot to be in mentally and emotionally. And of course, I try not to think too far into the future about the "end"--that time when and if they tell me we've done everything possible, I'm out of options, etc.
A season of growing. Boy I really hope that this is MY season. I really hope and pray that this is my time now to conceive again and to carry the child throughout a healthy pregnancy and delivery. My boys can't wait to be big brothers. They talk about it all the time. Sammy even saw an infomercial for some organic baby food maker and told me we should get it for my baby. I smile every time I see a baby and imagine me with a baby again. My heart melts when I imagine my husband holding a baby--I know we'd both love a little girl--but would be equally happy with another little boy. It takes a lot of work, time, money, patience and energy for sure. But it's so worth it just knowing that we aren't giving up. We are putting in everything we can to try to make it work.
Okay, time to be honest. :) I should have been packing tonight--not gardening! Oh, I had a million indoor tasks to do! We're going out of town for a major trip soon and I have nothing packed!! Panic!! So my flowers might have died in their little plastic holders while we were out of town. So. I should have been packing. But, I didn't want to!! I longed to be taking care of my flowers, to push them snug into the ground and help them grab ahold of the earth and to live! It was a lot of work tonight, but so worth it.
This baby-making work on my journey is also worth it, I know. I don't know what exactly will come of it, but the whole experience has opened my eyes to a world I truly never knew about. I look at children and the "miracle of life" in a whole new way. Really, I do. I still treasure my little Jacob in Heaven and am so thankful we keep the memory of him alive on a regular basis.
So go little seeds go! Grow all of you petunias and dahlias! Come on blooms on you zinnias and whatever the other flower seed was that I planted! Let's go pumpkins (yes, the boys asked for pumpkins--that ought to be interesting if those grow!) and peas, tomatoes, rosemary and corn!! :) And of course, go baby seed go!!! Make friends with little sperm and find a happy spot to settle in mommy's uterus! You can do it baby!!!
And lastly---I must mention how much I've thought about my precious little Jacob in the past few days. I saved out a few impatiens to plant in near the praying angel statue that came with the house. I couldn't clear the weeds away fast enough. The angel is praying and the bright pink flowers are right in front of her. When I told my mom what I had done, my voice broke. My baby deserves a memorial garden and I'm going to do what I can to make that happen this year. The angel just looks so beautiful with the flowers with her. This was the same angel I had never noticed until after Jacob passed away last October.
Monday, June 20--you would have turned 2 months old my sweet baby. You couldn't grow so well here on earth but I know in Heaven you are totally healthy and oh, so happy!! Won't you please send Mommy a little coo tonight in my dreams? Oh how I would love to hear you coo! I hope you enjoyed seeing Mommy play in the dirt today...someday we'll play in the dirt together. I bet Heaven's dirt never stains!!
May you all find your seasons of growing, my friends...growing in love, growing in energy, growing in health or relationships. I really think we can learn from paying attention to the seasons of our lives.
Here's to our green thumbs this summer--and of course, to my dream for pink or blue ones. :)
Kim
In the past three weeks I've found myself doing something that I never thought I'd love. Gardening. Planting. Weeding. That sounds so silly. I can't believe I'm even admitting it but you know how sometimes things in life just feel right? You may not be thinking of it consciously but it's there...at some point you smile to yourself and say, "This is right. I feel content and happy." Well, that's how I felt again this evening--it was my third time in the past few weeks planting flowers at our new house.
Now, what no one knows is that I've never been much of a green thumb. I can remember as a kid we would have family work days where on a Saturday we would work as a family to clean out the garage, rake leaves, etc. Typical chores kind of stuff. For some reason, as much as I loved to play outside, to ride my bike outside and to feel the grass beneath my bare feet, I just wasn't one to care to plant flowers, veggies, pull weeds or anything. In fact, if I had a choice of chores, I would usually pick the inside stuff like vacuuming or dusting while my mom, dad and brother went outside to work. I know I wasn't fond of dirt and bugs were definitely not high on my list so perhaps that was it?? For whatever reason, I preferred housework to yard work.
Anyway, as I grew older, got out on my own and then married, I did try to plant flowers wherever we lived. I never had any luck. In Texas, it was just too hot. Plain and simple. I could never figure out how often to water what I had planted in pots outside of my apartment during my grad school years and so every flower died within a week.
Oklahoma wasn't much better. Our home there had a few bushes and ugly grass. It wasn't very scenic. It was also very shady so didn't allow for petunias and the like to enjoy the sun.
Let's move ahead to when we lived in Tennessee..any luck? Nope. When I planted flowers in flower boxes at our one house, they all died. Too much water? Not enough? Who knows. Of course it probably didn't help that one box fell right off of the porch because the wood had rotted. Bad memories of that place. Enough said about that.
I think besides the weather, the other problem that I found through my adventures in gardening was that we have always been renting homes. We've moved 5 times in 7 years (yes, you read that right) so haven't officially settled down yet (but I'm really hoping we can buy soon!) Most of our homes didn't have flower beds or any space to try to plant flowers or a garden in. I guess I could have just dug up some grass and plopped a flower into it but I kind of think the homeowners wouldn't have appreciated that much.
So you have my history of not being too in to gardening. Let me throw a contradiction out there if it makes sense. Would you believe that oh, in the past 5 or more years I've found myself imagining what life would be like on a farm? Not that I'd ever see myself as a farmer but...well, I guess I've been attracted to the calmness. To the idea of trying to understand how the earth works--when dirt is ready for planting, how to plant and actually grow things, how to eat what you grow, etc. My space. My land. I guess it's kind of a secret dream of mine to maybe someday buy a couple acres and play around with it. A garden here. A flower bed there. A play area for the kids over there. Space for my husband's dream Army WWII Jeep somewhere (wait, that's his dream!)
Well, I guess you could say here in Dayton, we've hit the jackpot as far as space. The house we are currently living in has TONS of flowerbeds. They are everywhere. When we moved in last August, they were overgrown with weeds and such and we didn't want to spend money to plant so late in the season. But, once the rainy spring finally let up a few weeks ago I jumped in and gave it a shot. Our landlord has joked with me several times saying that if he had it his way he'd dig up every bed and put grass seed in. But, because it was his mother-in-law's house and she's still alive, they can't change things too much in case she wants to drive by to see her old home. She really misses it and prided herself on her flowers. He told us several times too that we weren't expected to do the flower/mulch thing but I told him I wanted to for us. I love how flowers look so was so excited to see what might happen. Did I mention that in the past our home had been in House Beautiful Magazine for it's beautiful landscaping?? Talk about a past!
I think a big part of my recent enjoyment of planting came when we returned from a week-long trip to my mom's. I was so surprised to see that the petunias and marigolds I had planted were STILL ALIVE!! And, would you believe the seeds I planted were sprouting?? Well, whatever you call it--sprouts, seedlings...little green stuff was poking through the dirt. I have never had any luck ever with seeds and yet, here they were showing themselves! I was overjoyed to see that something I planted had actually lived. And they live still!!
I've found myself thinking a lot about this in the past few weeks, and especially tonight as I was planting more flowers that I bought while at my mom's. When I was pulling weeds from the warm earth with my bare fingers earlier today, I felt proud of the work I was doing. I knew I'd see the result and be happy with it. So it was raining. So I had dirt in my fingernails. It just felt right to be there in that moment doing what I was doing.
And then tonight again after dinner, even as my cheap shovel broke in two, I was still smiling as I plopped each little flower into their hole. You know how people talk about "seasons" of their lives? I think there's even a song--"For every season..." something-something-something. Well, I've heard that a lot in the past 2 years. Friends in writing groups, online, etc. have mentioned that they were in this season or that season of their lives. Even my Christian Writing Group in Texas last year mentioned that. That sometimes members were with us for a season and then may have to step out for a bit. The idea of "seasons" of our lives has kind of stuck with me.
Is this a season of growing for me? Could it be? Not just a green thumb but perhaps a pink thumb or a light blue one? Some of you might be wondering where we are at with our fertility treatments. We've finished "round 2" as I like to call it. Basically this is the second month of treatment that we've gone through with the RE. It was nice to finally be able to start a month ago. We did Femara for two cycles now. Femara works like Clomid and blocks the estrogen, I think, so that something else beefs up and helps your eggs grow better. I ovulated on my own last cycle and had a great ovulation based on my progesterone test but no luck beyond that.
For this cycle, they caught me just in time and gave me the trigger shot--Ovidrel--to start the ovulation process and help mature the egg. For those of you not familiar with this stuff, Ovidrel is a shot you get in your stomach. EEK! Well, it's not that bad. I hate needles so planned for the nurse to give it to me. It hurt a tad but nothing like I thought it could. Thankfully it's a little tiny needle that goes just below the surface of your skin. I still don't totally get it, but apparently by them triggering my ovulation we can better time intercourse. I just do what they say to do.
Well, with our eh, assignment, in hand, we did what we were supposed to do. While it was most definitely enjoyable, I won't lie and say it wasn't also a bit of work. I tell you, I am constantly thinking of couples who go through this and more for months and years to try to conceive. My heart truly goes out to them because it gets to be really taxing on you physically, emotionally, and of course, not to mention financially. Because we had timing to consider, we didn't always get a lot of sleep. Life goes on, you know. It doesn't just stop for you to do your fertility thing. The boys were in Bible School that week. We had just returned from an out of town trip. We have been getting ready for another big trip across country. To say that our efforts were a breeze would be a big ol' fib.
Work. Yes, trying to have a baby can be a lot of work. Just like trying to get things to grow outside. As I struggled with some of the weeds tonight I kept telling myself, "It's worth it. Think of how pretty this spot will look when you're done. Think of the stress you're relieving!" :) That's what I kept telling myself throughout the last week of our attempts as well. It's worth it to put forth the extra effort--to at least try. I remember I made that decision with myself back at the beginning on the fertility journey when I found out that I had old eggs. In February of this year, I had said that I'd try for as long as I could. I had been pregnant before and could be again if I tried hard enough, and if it was to be. But I knew I had to put forth the effort--to take the medications, deal with the side effects, plan our lives around doctor appointments, etc. If there were options, we'd go for it. If we could afford it, we'd do it. I'm grateful that my husband knows that this isn't an easy task. He's put forth the effort too (obviously) and so we run to appointment after appointment, he has to listen to me worry about new medications when I get them, cry if I have a cyst that prevents treatment, etc. He also just stays tuned in to when I tell him it's showtime.
As I walked around the yard tonight I stopped and checked out some little seedlings in a smaller bed. They don't look so good. A few of them in the row that I planted a few weeks ago are poking through but they are much tinier than all of the others in the yard. I don't even remember what flower I planted there--perhaps it was something that needed more sun than the area is getting, I don't know. I planted a bunch of impatiens around that area to give them some friends. I figure I'll see what happens when I get back from my trip in about 10 days. If they don't start growing more, I'll just re-plant more flowers there and figure that they just didn't take root.
I find myself wondering about how seeds take root. You can do everything right but sometimes things still don't grow. Just like in trying to make a baby. I truly believe it's way more than just science. God has a hand it in, I know He does. I like imagining Him as the Gardener who forms us in the womb--I love that verse in the Bible. I know He knew my special little Jacob in the womb. He had plans for my little sweetheart.
In thinking about my little flower seeds that are struggling, I find myself worrying about my own gardening going on. Has an egg made friends with some sperm recently? Will something take root and start to grow? Is it a good egg??
I go tomorrow for my progesterone test. I hope my score is as good as last round. Last round they said it was "excellent" and for some reason, both doctors said this. I still wonder why both docs looked at my blood tests when I only see one of them? Perhaps it's because I'm older so they were discussing how well Femara works in older women?? :) Hah. Who knows! But hey, I'll take the "excellent" news any way I can.
If they call me with a similar rating tomorrow afternoon, I still have to wait another week or so to take the HcG test. Our out-of-town trip is delaying how soon I can take the test but I hope to take it July 1. What I don't get is why they are scheduling me for this. I thought in the past they just told me to come in if and when my next cycle started to start the baseline ultrasound process all over. I am nervous about that appointment. Well, actually, I'm nervous about missing it! We'll be getting in late the night prior so there's no wiggle room here. I'd hate to miss it and have to wait until July 5 (with the holiday) to get in. Of course, if things don't work this round, I'd probably find out on my own either through the urine home tests or if my cycle starts up at some point.
Where does that put me right now? I really don't know. I've been wondering how I would answer this question if someone out there reading my blog asked me how I feel--optimistic? hopeful? doubtful? I just don't know. I think I'm still very hopeful in general. But I can't even begin to imagine it, you know? It seems almost foreign to me. And scary, very scary. Because I know that even if I get a plus sign or two lines or a great blood test, I may not get a heartbeat. Or my precious little one might only make it a short while. It's a very difficult spot to be in mentally and emotionally. And of course, I try not to think too far into the future about the "end"--that time when and if they tell me we've done everything possible, I'm out of options, etc.
A season of growing. Boy I really hope that this is MY season. I really hope and pray that this is my time now to conceive again and to carry the child throughout a healthy pregnancy and delivery. My boys can't wait to be big brothers. They talk about it all the time. Sammy even saw an infomercial for some organic baby food maker and told me we should get it for my baby. I smile every time I see a baby and imagine me with a baby again. My heart melts when I imagine my husband holding a baby--I know we'd both love a little girl--but would be equally happy with another little boy. It takes a lot of work, time, money, patience and energy for sure. But it's so worth it just knowing that we aren't giving up. We are putting in everything we can to try to make it work.
Okay, time to be honest. :) I should have been packing tonight--not gardening! Oh, I had a million indoor tasks to do! We're going out of town for a major trip soon and I have nothing packed!! Panic!! So my flowers might have died in their little plastic holders while we were out of town. So. I should have been packing. But, I didn't want to!! I longed to be taking care of my flowers, to push them snug into the ground and help them grab ahold of the earth and to live! It was a lot of work tonight, but so worth it.
This baby-making work on my journey is also worth it, I know. I don't know what exactly will come of it, but the whole experience has opened my eyes to a world I truly never knew about. I look at children and the "miracle of life" in a whole new way. Really, I do. I still treasure my little Jacob in Heaven and am so thankful we keep the memory of him alive on a regular basis.
So go little seeds go! Grow all of you petunias and dahlias! Come on blooms on you zinnias and whatever the other flower seed was that I planted! Let's go pumpkins (yes, the boys asked for pumpkins--that ought to be interesting if those grow!) and peas, tomatoes, rosemary and corn!! :) And of course, go baby seed go!!! Make friends with little sperm and find a happy spot to settle in mommy's uterus! You can do it baby!!!
And lastly---I must mention how much I've thought about my precious little Jacob in the past few days. I saved out a few impatiens to plant in near the praying angel statue that came with the house. I couldn't clear the weeds away fast enough. The angel is praying and the bright pink flowers are right in front of her. When I told my mom what I had done, my voice broke. My baby deserves a memorial garden and I'm going to do what I can to make that happen this year. The angel just looks so beautiful with the flowers with her. This was the same angel I had never noticed until after Jacob passed away last October.
Monday, June 20--you would have turned 2 months old my sweet baby. You couldn't grow so well here on earth but I know in Heaven you are totally healthy and oh, so happy!! Won't you please send Mommy a little coo tonight in my dreams? Oh how I would love to hear you coo! I hope you enjoyed seeing Mommy play in the dirt today...someday we'll play in the dirt together. I bet Heaven's dirt never stains!!
May you all find your seasons of growing, my friends...growing in love, growing in energy, growing in health or relationships. I really think we can learn from paying attention to the seasons of our lives.
Here's to our green thumbs this summer--and of course, to my dream for pink or blue ones. :)
Kim
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