One Year Ago--'A Mother's Journey' is created--October 21st--One Year Ago--"I'm Sorry" Changed My Life

Hi Friends.  Well, so much for my great intentions with regards to my blog this month! :)  What can I say?  So many things I had planned for this month have changed as a result of unforeseen difficulties.  I'm sure I'm not writing about anything new and we've all been there.  I am sorry to those of you who have been checking my blog for updates, I really hadn't planned to be absent for so long.  I hope you'll stay with me and forgive me for the delays!

The first thing I want to tell you is that I do plan to continue what I wanted to do on my blog this month into November.  I have so many posts that I need to write about, more giveaways to do, etc.  If there's one thing I've learned on this journey throughout the last year it's to allow myself to do what I need to do when I need to do it.  If that means staying up late to write a blog post in order to express something that's on my heart, then I do it.  If that means forgiving myself and allowing myself an "extension" so-to-speak for "Jacob's month" (October), well, then I am doing that now.  There is so much in a journey like this that you simply cannot plan for.  You never know when the grief may hit you harder...you never know when the struggle to conceive again may overwhelm you...you just never know.

Tonight though, I simply could not go to bed without writing.  One year ago today was a pivotal day in my life.  It was the day that this blog was born.  As grateful as I am for the chance to write and to reach others, I'd give it all up if I could simply change one key thing from October 21, 2010.  I would change the diagnosis of my sweet little baby to one of "everything is fine" rather than the two words every parent dreads hearing..."I'm sorry."

Where was I last year at this time?  I remember being so excited to be nearing the end of my first trimester.  I hate to complain but I'm human and I remember being cranky from time to time during those early months of my pregnancy (maybe I was cranky a lot, who knows!).  If you've been keeping up with my blog since last year, you might remember me saying that everything stunk.  Seriously!  It did!  I was so sensitive to smells. I could smell things that the average person couldn't.  And, of course, every smell made me nauseous. 

Last year at this time too I had just recently announced my pregnancy on Facebook and to family and friends.  The congratulations were so joyous and I truly felt like everyone was sharing in our good news.  I had even been lucky enough to have made it back to my school for Homecoming and to participate in a ceremony to dedicate my sorority's new house. I was so goofy back then.  I knew I was showing a bit--guess I'll blame some of that on my previous two c-sections!--and wanted to find a cute top to wear when I saw my sisters--most that I hadn't seen in almost 20 years! I didn't want to look like I was wearing a tent, but wanted to wear something to show where I was still skinny and well, where I wasn't so skinny.

I picked out a new blue shirt and remember having a wonderful time that beautiful fall day and just 5 days prior to Oct. 21.  Here is a photo from that very fun Saturday...a picture of me (wearing my blue shirt, little belly sticking out) with some of my dear sorority sisters.  Those of us in the photo were some of our chapter's charter members who were able to attend.  When did we colonize at Kent?  Sometimes 1990 seems like just yesterday!

We were all so happy to see each other.  I loved renewing old friendships and catching up.  The day was so much fun--we all watched the Homecoming Parade, I showed Alex where I used to live, we had a great time touring our chapter's new home (seen behind us in picture above) and then we took the boys to tour the part of KSU where the May 4, 1970 shooting had occurred.  I had never seen all of the tour spots as they were new to the school.  It was such a beautiful fall day to spend on campus with the leaves turning gold and the black squirrels darting about. 

And then.  Everything beautiful about fall turned ugly just a few days later on Thursday, October 21.  Here's just a sample from my very first blog post which I started that evening after my appointment at 12.5 weeks for an in-depth ultrasound:

With a sigh, he (the doctor) looked at me and started by saying, "We have some serious issues here.  There are some severe problems."  He went on to list things like:  thickness behind the baby's neck, extra digits, a protrusion in the abdominal wall and a cleft lip.  Never in my life could I have imagined hearing such things.  He said that while we didn't know for 100% sure, chances were highly likely that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18, but he was pretty sure it was Trisomy 13.

Suddenly the the genetic counselor's information and diagrams came flashing back in my head.  I was thinking, "Wait a minute, isn't Trisomy 13 the most rare of the chromosomal abnormalities that a baby can have?"   People sometimes say that time stops when they receive horrible news. I wish I could say that time did stop.  I'd give anything if it just would have stopped.  It didn't.  It just kept ticking on with each second, each minute getting more and more unbelievable and awful with what the doctor told me. 

The doctor put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm very sorry."  Again, more red flags went off in my head.  It was almost like I had to pump him for the 'bottom line.'  It was then that he told me that my baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term.  It was difficult for me to form words at this point, but I asked, "So, are you saying I'm just waiting for my baby to die?  That it's just a matter of when and how?"  He said, "Yes."

I don't think any woman ever wants to use the words, 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.  It should be illegal. It was almost surreal as I used the words.  The doctor said I would more than likely miscarry.  Again, more shock.  Don't the statistics say that once you see the baby's heartbeat, once you reach the end of the first trimester, you have something like a 95% chance that everything is good and that you won't miscarry?  What good are statistics like that?  Again, I asked, "So, I'm waiting for my baby to die?  Is that what you're saying?"

My mind raced ahead through the next 6 mos.  Trick-or-Treating is next weekend.  My mom's birthday is this weekend.  Thanksgiving.  My husband out of town for various November weekends.  Christmas.  Do I just continue to live my life waiting for this awful thing to happen to me?  It could happen at any time.  How?  How do I do that?  How do you continue to get bigger, wear maternity clothes and at a time when you should be getting things ready for the baby, instead prepare yourself for your baby's death??  How?  How do I do that?


If you'd like to read more about the start of my journey, please feel free to read the rest of the post from October 21, 2010 by clicking on that link in the sidebar.

How fast things change.  Here I had just announced my pregnancy right before my trip home to school, I had just seen my sorority sisters who were full of congratulating hugs and I came back to what I thought would be a fresh start into my second trimester only instead to be forced into a journey that I never asked to take.

Who does ask to go on this journey?  Not many people would, I don't think.  While I didn't choose this journey for myself and my family, I would not change a thing that's happened in the last year.  Well, obviously if I could have had Jacob live, that's an easy one--of course I would have done that.  But, aside from that, I do not have any regrets.  For whatever reasons, God chose me for this journey and I am taking it one day at a time.  In the early days of losing Jacob or on some bad days, I take it one minute of a time.  That's all I can do and so far it's worked.  I have no idea what the "end" of this journey will look like or even if there is one. 

I think one thing that's helped me make it through the past year since receiving Jacob's fatal diagnosis and then losing him has been to not fight this journey.  As much as I would have loved to have denied what was happening, to hide from it or to lash out at it constantly, what good would it do me? 

I think back to Oct. 21, 2010 when I was so blunt in telling Sammy that his baby brother was going to die.  In his caring way, he had told me, "The baby will be okay, Mommy.  Don't cry."  I wouldn't have it.  I told him, "No, honey.  The baby is very sick and is going to die."  Sometimes I cringe when I think about my response.  How could I have been so insensitive to my sweetheart Sammy?  But then other times when I think about it I know I did it because I had to. I had to face this journey head on if I was going to make it through.  Even my mom was in utter shock when I called her with the news in the car.  Again, she tried to provide the ever supportive, "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay."  I remember yelling and crying, "No!  No, he won't, Mom!  He is going to die!"  I needed everyone around me to know the truth. I needed them to share the truth with me.  Only in sharing in the truth about sweet Jacob would I or would any of us make it through...and make it through together. 

From that day on, everyone was concerned and supportive.  Well, most everyone.  We'll leave that lie for now.  Even my loving Sammy offered me hugs to catch my tears. I knew he loved his little brother too and together our family shared in the uncertainty that came with that dreaded doctor visit and Jacob's fatal diagnosis.

Of course I prayed for the opposite. I prayed constantly that God would show all of these doctors with their stupid statistics.  That God would save my baby--that he would be a miracle baby and would live to be born and to be kissed in his mommy's arms.  I dreamt about it too.  How much I wanted to show them all that they were wrong!  Jacob would live and be an example of God's wondrous saving power and love!

I knew in my heart though that God had a plan.  I just didn't know my part in that plan.  Would his plan include my son living for a bit longer?  Much longer?  To be born?  To only live for a few months into his first year?  I had no idea.  It was like I was setting sail into an unknown sea where there was a tumultuous wave everywhere I looked.  How would I make it through? I had no idea. 

But I had to try. For the sake of my family--for Alex, for Sammy, for Benny...even for Jacob--I had to try to make it through that storm.  I had to be strong.

I tried to start planning for all of the "hows" and "what ifs" that very day.  Do we go out of town for my mom's birthday?  How do we celebrate mom's birthday with my brother and sister-in-law who also just announced they were pregnant?  What happens if the baby dies while Alex is out of town? What if the baby makes it past 20 weeks only to die shortly after?  Will I have a c-section?  Will I be able to have more children?  What if he made it to be born only to die immediately after he took his first breath?  What if he only makes it a few days or weeks?  How would I cope?  How? How?  How? 

All I can say is from October 21 on I started thinking about all of this.  I didn't have answers but I was going to get them as soon as I could in order to regain some sort of control because when I left the doctor's office last year, I felt like I was caught up in a whirling tornado that was thrashing all over the place. I had so many questions.  Scenarios in my head.  Fears.  Tears.  Anger.  Sadness.   And what did I leave the doctor's office with?  Pamphlets?  Support groups?  Anything to help me make sense out of what had just happened? 

Nothing.  For the most part, I left that awful place with nothing.  I left only with three ultrasound pictures that I had to ask the technician for over and over--I still think that she wasn't going to do them because of Jacob's fatal condition.  Did she really think that I didn't care to have them after hearing the news???  I also left with stupid printout that the genetic counselor ran to get for me when she saw me come out of the ultrasound room.  I remember asking her if she had anything about Trisomy 13 so I could begin to educate myself on what was happening to my son.  She said no but that she'd find something.  Do you know what she gave me?  A one-page sheet which was a technical summary of Trisomy 13.  It's all she could find.  You are a genetic counselor who grills people on their genetic family history and you don't even have packets of information assembled to hand to patients when they need the information?  I couldn't even understand what she gave me.  That's what I walked out of there with.  More questions than answers and certainly no help from the doctor's office.  So I was going to get the answers myself.

One question that I've yet to find an answer to is about the "odds" in pregnancy.  What are the chances for a miscarriage/stillbirth/etc.  The "1 in 4" at times seems to be conflicting with so many things that you read.  To this day I find myself HATING statistics. I will never forget how after I had sat through an hour-long meeting with a genetic counselor answering every question under the sun that she told me, "Don't worry about all of this.  You have a 98% chance everything is fine."  This was just prior to my ultrasound.  Ninety-eight percent.  That's pretty good, huh?

Really???  How is it that I fell in the 2%?  I guess someone has to, right?  Unless I'm the "1 in 4?"  And then of all things for my precious little one to have, it's one of the most rare chromosomal abnormalities?  Well.  Let's just say when someone now quotes statistics about how rare things are, I frequently react with sarcasm.

So.  It's officially one year since I received the horrible news that my precious son wasn't going to make it.  One whole year.  One year of tears, of sadness, of anger, of confusion, of questions...and also one year of discovery, of learning, of reaching out, of helping others...and lastly, one year of love and of hope.  I love my son.  I love Jacob so much.  I will never stop loving him nor will I stop talking about him.  He was a gift from God and I treasure him daily.  I never regret that we got pregnant. I carried my son for 13 weeks and I now treasure every one of those weeks.

October 21, 2010?  A day of horrible sadness for sure.  But also a day that I CHOOSE to remember something else. I CHOOSE to remember Jacob when he was alive and showing his mommy that he was very much ALIVE during the ultrasound.  I CHOOSE to remember those moments with a smile on my face.  Jacob was kicking.  He was squirming.  He was punching.  He was opening and closing his mouth to practice for when he would breathe someday.  I loved every minute of that part of my ultrasound!  How I wish I had a video of it!  That was the last time that I saw my sweet little baby alive.  But it's not the last time that I will see him, for I will see him again.  And I will kiss every squirmy inch of him when I do.

Much of this year has been about choices.  I have learned that I must choose how I will react to things.  Sure, some days I will cry because that's all I can do.  Crying is the only choice sometimes...like on the day you find out that your baby probably will not survive. That's what I did last October 21.  I cried.  I panicked. I yelled.  I moped.  But other days when I can make that choice, I choose to be grateful for my baby, for the 13 weeks that we had with him and for the opportunity to see him so clearly that day. 

October 21, 2010.  Where were you on that day?  I was at the very beginning of my journey and one that is common to so many, unfortunately.  It's not just my journey.  It is "A Mother's Journey"...full of loss, full of love and full of hope.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, my friends. 

With love to my sweet little Jacob--Mommy remembers seeing you on October 21! I know you wanted me to see you.  You wanted me to watch every movement you made--to laugh, to cry because I loved watching you so much.  You were here, my sweet baby.  Mommy loved seeing you and always will dream of the day when I can hold you in my arms.

Kim

*Special thanks to Small Bird Studio for the beautiful graphic about strength!

Hug Him Once for Me...a Beautiful Video and a Miracle

I had planned to do so much more tonight...I'm behind on my blog, I have the month of October to keep prepping for--so much to do to remember my sweet little Jacob as well as all babies lost. 

Well, I'll keep this quick.  I found a video tonight that had me sobbing.  I hadn't cried this hard since the night of my D&C when I found the beautifully written, "Still", by Gerritt Hofsnik (too late to look up spelling, sorry if I got his name wrong).  His song captured my tragic feelings of loss so wonderfully nearly one year ago. 

Oh, I cry a lot at the beautiful babyloss videos out there...kinda hard not to.  But this one, wow.  This one really had me in gut-wrenching sobs every time that I watched it--you know, the kind that shake your whole body?  Thankfully, I don't have that type very often. 

What is this song that moved me in so many ways?  Please check out the link below.  The song is called, "Hug Him For Me Now" and the song is by Erica McClure.
I miss my Jacob so much.  I'm sure it's the anxiety of his one-year angelversary building.  The words to this song are beyond beautiful--they reveal every emotion that I've felt for my son...all of the sorrow, the dreams and the joy at seeing him again some day. 

The joy...yes, you read that right.  Oh, the scene in the video when that part is sung had me holding my arms open wide!  Whenever my time comes to go to our Heavenly Home, you can bet I'll be running with my arms open wide first to our Lord and Savior who brought me to everlasting peace and then to my sweet little angel, Jacob.  What a sweet embrace that will be!

Thank you, Lord, for being with me on every step of this journey.  Even tonight, I believe God was here with me in my study while I was finding this video.  Want to hear of a miracle?  Well, it's close enough for me.

I stumbled on this video through a babyloss page on Facebook. It hooked me and I loved it.  I tried to save it to my favorites on YouTube.  I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't save.  Then, I realized that somehow I was logged out.  My husband!  ARGH!  He must have logged me out at some point--usually I just stay logged in and don't frequent YouTube so don't think about it much.

Well, wouldn't you know I couldn't remember my password.  I tried everything. I probably tried TOO many things.  I was locked out!  I then tried everything I could to reset my password but for some reason it just wouldn't do it.  I searched all through help.  Finally and at this point in a very agitated state, I found a link to email someone with my question. 

By this time I had remembered my password.  Duh, how could I have forgotten it??  And of course, YouTube still had me locked out. I also now realized that I use the same information for my blog and started to panic.  What if they reset my password but somehow it still wouldn't work?  What if my blog was messed up and I couldn't get in to that?  Not now!  Oh, please not this close to Jacob's one year angelversary!  I need my blog and am going to need it so much in this next month, especially.

I wrote the tech people and tried to clearly explain my dilemma--please unlock my account but don't reset my password. I sent the email to who knows where and kept checking for a response but got nothing.

You can imagine my mood. I went from highly emotional in a sad and missing my baby way to angry at the computer to scared that my blog would be ruined.  Talk about a rollercoaster that I wasn't planning on riding tonight.

I quickly went back to the video and shared it with one of my facebook babyloss groups.  It's so beautiful that I had to share it somewhere.  I hopped around for a bit more, scanning other posts and decided I needed to go to bed.  I felt drained and unmotivated.  I felt sad and just wanted to crawl into bed and hug Jacob's giraffe. 

Then.  I clicked on the link one more time for one final good cry before bed...and somehow I ended up on YouTube with my USERNAME LOGGED IN!  I sat here dumbfounded for a minute.  All of my favorites were there--the beautiful tributes to babies lost, every single one of them!

How could this be?  Could the YouTube tech person have gotten my email, and unlocked the system that quickly even though they never wrote back to me?  But then...I never logged back in!  My name and account just popped up as if I had, but I hadn't.

I believe God did this.  Maybe he had the tech support people somehow make everything how it was and with me logged in, I don't know.  However it happend, I know He did it.  Maybe that's my hug from Him tonight...thank you, Lord.  Thank you for something so small that meant so much to me tonight.

Enjoy this beautiful video, my friends.  Drifting off here soon with these words in my heart...

"But Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good;
But Jesus I was wondering
if you would...
Hug him once for me?..."

Sending momma's hug to Heaven tonight to my baby Jacob...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk&feature=youtu.be

Kim

A Season of Growing

So here we are.  It's slightly past mid-June and summer has come and decided to stay...finally!  For us folks in Ohio, we had a teaser of spring coming back once or twice but I think summer's hanging on now for the long haul.

In the past three weeks I've found myself doing something that I never thought I'd love.  Gardening.  Planting. Weeding.  That sounds so silly.  I can't believe I'm even admitting it but you know how sometimes things in life just feel right?  You may not be thinking of it consciously but it's there...at some point you smile to yourself and say, "This is right.  I feel content and happy."  Well, that's how I felt again this evening--it was my third time in the past few weeks planting flowers at our new house.

Now, what no one knows is that I've never been much of a green thumb.  I can remember as a kid we would have family work days where on a Saturday we would work as a family to clean out the garage, rake leaves, etc.  Typical chores kind of stuff.  For some reason, as much as I loved to play outside, to ride my bike outside and to feel the grass beneath my bare feet, I just wasn't one to care to plant flowers, veggies, pull weeds or anything.  In fact, if I had a choice of chores, I would usually pick the inside stuff like vacuuming or dusting while my mom, dad and brother went outside to work.  I know I wasn't fond of dirt and bugs were definitely not high on my list so perhaps that was it??  For whatever reason, I preferred housework to yard work. 

Anyway, as I grew older, got out on my own and then married, I did try to plant flowers wherever we lived.  I never had any luck.  In Texas, it was just too hot.  Plain and simple.  I could never figure out how often to water what I had planted in pots outside of my apartment during my grad school years and so every flower died within a week. 

Oklahoma wasn't much better.  Our home there had a few bushes and ugly grass.  It wasn't very scenic.  It was also very shady so didn't allow for petunias and the like to enjoy the sun. 

Let's move ahead to when we lived in Tennessee..any luck?  Nope. When I planted flowers in flower boxes at our one house, they all died.  Too much water?  Not enough?  Who knows.  Of course it probably didn't help that one box fell right off of the porch because the wood had rotted.  Bad memories of that place.  Enough said about that.

I think besides the weather, the other problem that I found through my adventures in gardening was that we have always been renting homes.  We've moved 5 times in 7 years (yes, you read that right) so haven't officially settled down yet (but I'm really hoping we can buy soon!)  Most of our homes didn't have flower beds or any space to try to plant flowers or a garden in.  I guess I could have just dug up some grass and plopped a flower into it but I kind of think the homeowners wouldn't have appreciated that much.

So you have my history of not being too in to gardening.  Let me throw a contradiction out there if it makes sense.  Would you believe that oh, in the past 5 or more years I've found myself imagining what life would be like on a farm?  Not that I'd ever see myself as a farmer but...well, I guess I've been attracted to the calmness.  To the idea of trying to understand how the earth works--when dirt is ready for planting, how to plant and actually grow things, how to eat what you grow, etc.  My space.  My land.  I guess it's kind of a secret dream of mine to maybe someday buy a couple acres and play around with it. A garden here.  A flower bed there.  A play area for the kids over there.  Space for my husband's dream Army WWII Jeep somewhere (wait, that's his dream!) 

Well, I guess you could say here in Dayton, we've hit the jackpot as far as space.  The house we are currently living in has TONS of flowerbeds.  They are everywhere. When we moved in last August, they were overgrown with weeds and such and we didn't want to spend money to plant so late in the season.  But, once the rainy spring finally let up a few weeks ago I jumped in and gave it a shot. Our landlord has joked with me several times saying that if he had it his way he'd dig up every bed and put grass seed in.  But, because it was his mother-in-law's house and she's still alive, they can't change things too much in case she wants to drive by to see her old home.  She really misses it and prided herself on her flowers.  He told us several times too that we weren't expected to do the flower/mulch thing but I told him I wanted to for us. I love how flowers look so was so excited to see what might happen.  Did I mention that in the past our home had been in House Beautiful Magazine for it's beautiful landscaping??  Talk about a past!

I think a big part of my recent enjoyment of planting came when we returned from a week-long trip to my mom's.  I was so surprised to see that the petunias and marigolds I had planted were STILL ALIVE!!  And, would you believe the seeds I planted were sprouting??  Well, whatever you call it--sprouts, seedlings...little green stuff was poking through the dirt.  I have never had any luck ever with seeds and yet, here they were showing themselves!  I was overjoyed to see that something I planted had actually lived.  And they live still!!

I've found myself thinking a lot about this in the past few weeks, and especially tonight as I was planting more flowers that I bought while at my mom's.  When I was pulling weeds from the warm earth with my bare fingers earlier today, I felt proud of the work I was doing.  I knew I'd see the result and be happy with it.   So it was raining.  So I had dirt in my fingernails.  It just felt right to be there in that moment doing what I was doing.

And then tonight again after dinner, even as my cheap shovel broke in two, I was still smiling as I plopped each little flower into their hole.   You know how people talk about "seasons" of their lives?  I think there's even a song--"For every season..." something-something-something.  Well, I've heard that a lot in the past 2 years.  Friends in writing groups, online, etc. have mentioned that they were in this season or that season of their lives.  Even my Christian Writing Group in Texas last year mentioned that.  That sometimes members were with us for a season and then may have to step out for a bit.  The idea of "seasons" of our lives has kind of stuck with me.

Is this a season of growing for me?  Could it be?  Not just a green thumb but perhaps a pink thumb or a light blue one?  Some of you might be wondering where we are at with our fertility treatments.  We've finished "round 2" as I like to call it. Basically this is the second month of treatment that we've gone through with the RE. It was nice to finally be able to start a month ago.  We did Femara for two cycles now.  Femara works like Clomid and blocks the estrogen, I think, so that something else beefs up and helps your eggs grow better.  I ovulated on my own last cycle and had a great ovulation based on my progesterone test but no luck beyond that.

For this cycle, they caught me just in time and gave me the trigger shot--Ovidrel--to start the ovulation process and help mature the egg.  For those of you not familiar with this stuff, Ovidrel is a shot you get in your stomach.  EEK!  Well,  it's not that bad.  I hate needles so planned for the nurse to give it to me.  It hurt a tad but nothing like I thought it could.  Thankfully it's a little tiny needle that goes just below the surface of your skin.  I still don't totally get it, but apparently by them triggering my ovulation we can better time intercourse.  I just do what they say to do.

Well, with our eh, assignment, in hand, we did what we were supposed to do.  While it was most definitely enjoyable, I won't lie and say it wasn't also a bit of work.  I tell you, I am constantly thinking of couples who go through this and more for months and years to try to conceive.  My heart truly goes out to them because it gets to be really taxing on you physically, emotionally, and of course, not to mention financially.  Because we had timing to consider, we didn't always get a lot of sleep.  Life goes on, you know.  It doesn't just stop for you to do your fertility thing.  The boys were in Bible School that week.  We had just returned from an out of town trip.  We have been getting ready for another big trip across country.  To say that our efforts were a breeze would be a big ol' fib. 

Work.  Yes, trying to have a baby can be a lot of work.  Just like trying to get things to grow outside.  As I struggled with some of the weeds tonight I kept telling myself, "It's worth it.  Think of how pretty this spot will look when you're done.  Think of the stress you're relieving!"  :)  That's what I kept telling myself throughout the last week of our attempts as well.  It's worth it to put forth the extra effort--to at least try.  I remember I made that decision with myself back at the beginning on the fertility journey when I found out that I had old eggs.  In February of this year, I had said that I'd try for as long as I could.  I had been pregnant before and could be again if I tried hard enough, and if it was to be.  But I knew I had to put forth the effort--to take the medications, deal with the side effects, plan our lives around doctor appointments, etc.  If there were options, we'd go for it.  If we could afford it, we'd do it.  I'm grateful that my husband knows that this isn't an easy task.  He's put forth the effort too (obviously) and so we run to appointment after appointment, he has to listen to me worry about new medications when I get them, cry if I have a cyst that prevents treatment, etc.  He also just stays tuned in to when I tell him it's showtime. 

As I walked around the yard tonight I stopped and checked out some little seedlings in a smaller bed.  They don't look so good.  A few of them in the row that I planted a few weeks ago are poking through but they are much tinier than all of the others in the yard.  I don't even remember what flower I planted there--perhaps it was something that needed more sun than the area is getting, I don't know.  I planted a bunch of impatiens around that area to give them some friends.  I figure I'll see what happens when I get back from my trip in about 10 days.  If they don't start growing more, I'll just re-plant more flowers there and figure that they just didn't take root.

I find myself wondering about how seeds take root.  You can do everything right but sometimes things still don't grow.  Just like in trying to make a baby.  I truly believe it's way more than just science.  God has a hand it in, I know He does.  I like imagining Him as the Gardener who forms us in the womb--I love that verse in the Bible.  I know He knew my special little Jacob in the womb.  He had plans for my little sweetheart. 

In thinking about my little flower seeds that are struggling, I find myself worrying about my own gardening going on.  Has an egg made friends with some sperm recently?  Will something take root and start to grow?  Is it a good egg?? 

I go tomorrow for my progesterone test.  I hope my score is as good as last round.  Last round they said it was "excellent" and for some reason, both doctors said this.  I still wonder why both docs looked at my blood tests when I only see one of them?  Perhaps it's because I'm older so they were discussing how well Femara works in older women?? :)  Hah.  Who knows!  But hey, I'll take the "excellent" news any way I can.

If they call me with a similar rating tomorrow afternoon, I still have to wait another week or so to take the HcG test.  Our out-of-town trip is delaying how soon I can take the test but I hope to take it July 1.  What I don't get is why they are scheduling me for this.  I thought in the past they just told me to come in if and when my next cycle started to start the baseline ultrasound process all over.  I am nervous about that appointment.  Well, actually, I'm nervous about missing it!  We'll be getting in late the night prior so there's no wiggle room here.  I'd hate to miss it and have to wait until July 5 (with the holiday) to get in.  Of course, if things don't work this round, I'd probably find out on my own either through the urine home tests or if my cycle starts up at some point.

Where does that put me right now?  I really don't know.  I've been wondering how I would answer this question if someone out there reading my blog asked me how I feel--optimistic?  hopeful?  doubtful?  I just don't know.  I think I'm still very hopeful in general.  But I can't even begin to imagine it, you know?  It seems almost foreign to me.  And scary, very scary.  Because I know that even if I get a plus sign or two lines or a great blood test, I may not get a heartbeat.  Or my precious little one might only make it a short while.  It's a very difficult spot to be in mentally and emotionally.  And of course, I try not to think too far into the future about the "end"--that time when and if they tell me we've done everything possible, I'm out of options, etc. 

A season of growing.  Boy I really hope that this is MY season.  I really hope and pray that this is my time now to conceive again and to carry the child throughout a healthy pregnancy and delivery.  My boys can't wait to be big brothers.  They talk about it all the time.  Sammy even saw an infomercial for some organic baby food maker and told me we should get it for my baby.  I smile every time I see a baby and imagine me with a baby again.  My heart melts when I imagine my husband holding a baby--I know we'd both love a little girl--but would be equally happy with another little boy.  It takes a lot of work, time, money, patience and energy for sure.  But it's so worth it just knowing that we aren't giving up.  We are putting in everything we can to try to make it work. 

Okay, time to be honest. :)  I should have been packing tonight--not gardening!  Oh, I had a million indoor tasks to do!  We're going out of town for a major trip soon and I have nothing packed!!  Panic!!  So my flowers might have died in their little plastic holders while we were out of town.  So.  I should have been packing.  But, I didn't want to!!  I longed to be taking care of my flowers, to push them snug into the ground and help them grab ahold of the earth and to live!  It was a lot of work tonight, but so worth it.

This baby-making work on my journey is also worth it, I know.  I don't know what exactly will come of it, but the whole experience has opened my eyes to a world I truly never knew about.  I look at children and the "miracle of life" in a whole new way.  Really, I do.  I still treasure my little Jacob in Heaven and am so thankful we keep the memory of him alive on a regular basis.

So go little seeds go!  Grow all of you petunias and dahlias!  Come on blooms on you zinnias and whatever the other flower seed was that I planted!  Let's go pumpkins (yes, the boys asked for pumpkins--that ought to be interesting if those grow!) and peas, tomatoes, rosemary and corn!! :)  And of course, go baby seed go!!!  Make friends with little sperm and find a happy spot to settle in mommy's uterus!  You can do it baby!!!

And lastly---I must mention how much I've thought about my precious little Jacob in the past few days.  I saved out a few impatiens to plant in near the praying angel statue that came with the house.  I couldn't clear the weeds away fast enough.  The angel is praying and the bright pink flowers are right in front of her.  When I told my mom what I had done, my voice broke.  My baby deserves a memorial garden and I'm going to do what I can to make that happen this year.  The angel just looks so beautiful with the flowers with her.  This was the same angel I had never noticed until after Jacob passed away last October.

Monday, June 20--you would have turned 2 months old my sweet baby.   You couldn't grow so well here on earth but I know in Heaven you are totally healthy and oh, so happy!!  Won't you please send Mommy a little coo tonight in my dreams?  Oh how I would love to hear you coo!  I hope you enjoyed seeing Mommy play in the dirt today...someday we'll play in the dirt together.  I bet Heaven's dirt never stains!! 

May you all find your seasons of growing, my friends...growing in love, growing in energy, growing in health or relationships.  I really think we can learn from paying attention to the seasons of our lives.

Here's to our green thumbs this summer--and of course, to my dream for pink or blue ones. :)

Kim