Government Shutdowns and Babyloss...

Three years ago on October 1, I was happily pregnant with my third child.  I had just announced our pregnancy, or was getting close to it, I can't remember the dates exactly.  Old age, I guess. :)

The boys were thrilled to be big brothers.  Alex and I wondered if we might have a little girl this time, but we felt that our sweet baby was probably a boy.  I was shopping for a cute shirt to wear to my Tri Sigma Homecoming Event. I hadn't been back in years and looked forward to seeing all of my sisters again.  The weather was just starting to turn--leaves, temperatures--yes, everything was lining up to be a beautiful fall.

And then came my 12.5 week in-depth ultrasound on October 21 where we learned of Jacob's "fatal diagnosis".  He was diagnosed with Trisomy 13.  And then the horrific news that no parent wants to hear hit us on October 25, 2010. Our baby's heart had stopped beating.  Our son, whom we named Jacob Alexander, had died at exactly 13 weeks. It was a Monday.

What followed was a whirlwind of emotions. I felt tossed about in a storm that had taken me completely by surprise.  Eventually and thankfully, the light shown again and I moved towards healing.

Three years later as I find myself drawn towards my Jacob and reflecting on what happened back then, I'm caught up in another storm.  The weather is starting to turn.  We can't wait to take the boys' outdoor fall photo shoot as I have every year since they were babies. We are lining up fall festivals to attend--one of our favorite pastimes in the fall!  The boys can't wait for Halloween and keep changing their minds about what costumes they'll wear.  And with October kicking off the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I'm excited to take this time to remember my sweet babies and to reach out to so many women who've lost too...through cards, supportive posts on facebook and prayer.

But there is this storm that I mentioned...this storm's winds are blurring everything that had been lining up to be yet another beautiful fall. I'm already fighting tears.  And this one doesn't just affect me, it affects countless Americans.  It is the Government Shutdown that just happened today.

Instead of seeing the colors of fall, right now the color I'm focused on mainly green...that is, cash.  We have no idea if this shutdown, i.e. my husband's furlough, will last for several days, weeks, months?  Will we get a paycheck next Friday?  How much?  Will he be paid retroactively?  We don't know.  No one knows.

So many unanswered questions remind me of how I felt three years ago...while these two storms are very different, in many ways they are the same. You are left struggling.  You are left with so many questions---why? why did this have to happen? why me???  I remember asking the same thing when I lost Jacob. Why did we get pregnant if my eggs were so "old" that we were simply going to lose our precious child?  How will I get through this?  What do I do next?

Wow, I had no idea I'd be facing the same feelings three years later.  I'm left wondering why our government can't "play nice"...why they continue to sacrifice us and so many families to prove their points...I'm left asking every "how" question in the book. How on EARTH will we get through this?  How will we survive if money doesn't start coming back in? We just came off of the summer furlough...I mean, literally, we JUST CAME OFF of it.  And now, this??

And lastly, what do I do next?  My planning self wants to revamp our budget...trouble is, what do I budget?  If there is potentially no money coming in, what do I budget?  What?  How? Why?

My friends, I wish so much that I had answers. I wish that I had them for me and for any one of you who are in a similar boat being tossed about right now. These storms suck. Yes, they just suck.  I hate them.

But as I think back to the storm three years ago, I find myself holding on to one thing.  I survived. I made it through.  Somehow, with God's help, with His Steady Hand on my heart, I made it through.  I found hope. I found joy. I found peace. I love remembering my Jacob. I love thinking about him.  I love helping other baby loss moms now as they find themselves stumbling through this journey of loss.

I know God is with me.  He is with my family during this storm.  While I'm struggling with my planning self who desperately wants to find answers--to prepare for every 'what if' under the sun--I know I have to just give this all to God. I have to give Him every last piece of it.

Do I know how to do that?  No. I will be honest.  I don't.  But I know it's what I am to do...somehow.  I will keep praying. I will cry. I will know that my Father hears every pain in my heart.  And that's enough. Somehow I know that's enough. I don't have to be perfect in my prayers. I don't have to quote the best Bible verses.  I know He takes me as I am with all of my flaws and worried and with my over-dependency on myself...He takes me with all of my "what ifs" and panicking moments.

So tonight on Day 1 of the Government Shutdown I go to bed with those feelings on my heart. I want to close my eyes and drift into a peaceful sleep that only God can bring.  I know He will guide our family through this storm.  And, yes.  October and all of the beautiful things in it aren't going anywhere.  It is still a beautiful season that our family will enjoy as much as possible.  It still will be full of candy corn, Kit Kats and Reese Cups.  It will still be a chance for me to write about Jacob, to share his story and to remember all of those precious babies lost.

Tonight I pray for my blurry and weary eyes to be cleared so that I may see only the beauty this month.  I want to see red and gold leaves.  I want to see my children's faces erupt in laughter as they act out their Halloween costumed character (whoever they pick).  I want to see Jacob's balloon launch high into the sky on his anniversary.  And I trust God for the rest.

With much love for you my friends, however this month finds you...

Kim

One Year Ago--'A Mother's Journey' is created--October 21st--One Year Ago--"I'm Sorry" Changed My Life

Hi Friends.  Well, so much for my great intentions with regards to my blog this month! :)  What can I say?  So many things I had planned for this month have changed as a result of unforeseen difficulties.  I'm sure I'm not writing about anything new and we've all been there.  I am sorry to those of you who have been checking my blog for updates, I really hadn't planned to be absent for so long.  I hope you'll stay with me and forgive me for the delays!

The first thing I want to tell you is that I do plan to continue what I wanted to do on my blog this month into November.  I have so many posts that I need to write about, more giveaways to do, etc.  If there's one thing I've learned on this journey throughout the last year it's to allow myself to do what I need to do when I need to do it.  If that means staying up late to write a blog post in order to express something that's on my heart, then I do it.  If that means forgiving myself and allowing myself an "extension" so-to-speak for "Jacob's month" (October), well, then I am doing that now.  There is so much in a journey like this that you simply cannot plan for.  You never know when the grief may hit you harder...you never know when the struggle to conceive again may overwhelm you...you just never know.

Tonight though, I simply could not go to bed without writing.  One year ago today was a pivotal day in my life.  It was the day that this blog was born.  As grateful as I am for the chance to write and to reach others, I'd give it all up if I could simply change one key thing from October 21, 2010.  I would change the diagnosis of my sweet little baby to one of "everything is fine" rather than the two words every parent dreads hearing..."I'm sorry."

Where was I last year at this time?  I remember being so excited to be nearing the end of my first trimester.  I hate to complain but I'm human and I remember being cranky from time to time during those early months of my pregnancy (maybe I was cranky a lot, who knows!).  If you've been keeping up with my blog since last year, you might remember me saying that everything stunk.  Seriously!  It did!  I was so sensitive to smells. I could smell things that the average person couldn't.  And, of course, every smell made me nauseous. 

Last year at this time too I had just recently announced my pregnancy on Facebook and to family and friends.  The congratulations were so joyous and I truly felt like everyone was sharing in our good news.  I had even been lucky enough to have made it back to my school for Homecoming and to participate in a ceremony to dedicate my sorority's new house. I was so goofy back then.  I knew I was showing a bit--guess I'll blame some of that on my previous two c-sections!--and wanted to find a cute top to wear when I saw my sisters--most that I hadn't seen in almost 20 years! I didn't want to look like I was wearing a tent, but wanted to wear something to show where I was still skinny and well, where I wasn't so skinny.

I picked out a new blue shirt and remember having a wonderful time that beautiful fall day and just 5 days prior to Oct. 21.  Here is a photo from that very fun Saturday...a picture of me (wearing my blue shirt, little belly sticking out) with some of my dear sorority sisters.  Those of us in the photo were some of our chapter's charter members who were able to attend.  When did we colonize at Kent?  Sometimes 1990 seems like just yesterday!

We were all so happy to see each other.  I loved renewing old friendships and catching up.  The day was so much fun--we all watched the Homecoming Parade, I showed Alex where I used to live, we had a great time touring our chapter's new home (seen behind us in picture above) and then we took the boys to tour the part of KSU where the May 4, 1970 shooting had occurred.  I had never seen all of the tour spots as they were new to the school.  It was such a beautiful fall day to spend on campus with the leaves turning gold and the black squirrels darting about. 

And then.  Everything beautiful about fall turned ugly just a few days later on Thursday, October 21.  Here's just a sample from my very first blog post which I started that evening after my appointment at 12.5 weeks for an in-depth ultrasound:

With a sigh, he (the doctor) looked at me and started by saying, "We have some serious issues here.  There are some severe problems."  He went on to list things like:  thickness behind the baby's neck, extra digits, a protrusion in the abdominal wall and a cleft lip.  Never in my life could I have imagined hearing such things.  He said that while we didn't know for 100% sure, chances were highly likely that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18, but he was pretty sure it was Trisomy 13.

Suddenly the the genetic counselor's information and diagrams came flashing back in my head.  I was thinking, "Wait a minute, isn't Trisomy 13 the most rare of the chromosomal abnormalities that a baby can have?"   People sometimes say that time stops when they receive horrible news. I wish I could say that time did stop.  I'd give anything if it just would have stopped.  It didn't.  It just kept ticking on with each second, each minute getting more and more unbelievable and awful with what the doctor told me. 

The doctor put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm very sorry."  Again, more red flags went off in my head.  It was almost like I had to pump him for the 'bottom line.'  It was then that he told me that my baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term.  It was difficult for me to form words at this point, but I asked, "So, are you saying I'm just waiting for my baby to die?  That it's just a matter of when and how?"  He said, "Yes."

I don't think any woman ever wants to use the words, 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.  It should be illegal. It was almost surreal as I used the words.  The doctor said I would more than likely miscarry.  Again, more shock.  Don't the statistics say that once you see the baby's heartbeat, once you reach the end of the first trimester, you have something like a 95% chance that everything is good and that you won't miscarry?  What good are statistics like that?  Again, I asked, "So, I'm waiting for my baby to die?  Is that what you're saying?"

My mind raced ahead through the next 6 mos.  Trick-or-Treating is next weekend.  My mom's birthday is this weekend.  Thanksgiving.  My husband out of town for various November weekends.  Christmas.  Do I just continue to live my life waiting for this awful thing to happen to me?  It could happen at any time.  How?  How do I do that?  How do you continue to get bigger, wear maternity clothes and at a time when you should be getting things ready for the baby, instead prepare yourself for your baby's death??  How?  How do I do that?


If you'd like to read more about the start of my journey, please feel free to read the rest of the post from October 21, 2010 by clicking on that link in the sidebar.

How fast things change.  Here I had just announced my pregnancy right before my trip home to school, I had just seen my sorority sisters who were full of congratulating hugs and I came back to what I thought would be a fresh start into my second trimester only instead to be forced into a journey that I never asked to take.

Who does ask to go on this journey?  Not many people would, I don't think.  While I didn't choose this journey for myself and my family, I would not change a thing that's happened in the last year.  Well, obviously if I could have had Jacob live, that's an easy one--of course I would have done that.  But, aside from that, I do not have any regrets.  For whatever reasons, God chose me for this journey and I am taking it one day at a time.  In the early days of losing Jacob or on some bad days, I take it one minute of a time.  That's all I can do and so far it's worked.  I have no idea what the "end" of this journey will look like or even if there is one. 

I think one thing that's helped me make it through the past year since receiving Jacob's fatal diagnosis and then losing him has been to not fight this journey.  As much as I would have loved to have denied what was happening, to hide from it or to lash out at it constantly, what good would it do me? 

I think back to Oct. 21, 2010 when I was so blunt in telling Sammy that his baby brother was going to die.  In his caring way, he had told me, "The baby will be okay, Mommy.  Don't cry."  I wouldn't have it.  I told him, "No, honey.  The baby is very sick and is going to die."  Sometimes I cringe when I think about my response.  How could I have been so insensitive to my sweetheart Sammy?  But then other times when I think about it I know I did it because I had to. I had to face this journey head on if I was going to make it through.  Even my mom was in utter shock when I called her with the news in the car.  Again, she tried to provide the ever supportive, "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay."  I remember yelling and crying, "No!  No, he won't, Mom!  He is going to die!"  I needed everyone around me to know the truth. I needed them to share the truth with me.  Only in sharing in the truth about sweet Jacob would I or would any of us make it through...and make it through together. 

From that day on, everyone was concerned and supportive.  Well, most everyone.  We'll leave that lie for now.  Even my loving Sammy offered me hugs to catch my tears. I knew he loved his little brother too and together our family shared in the uncertainty that came with that dreaded doctor visit and Jacob's fatal diagnosis.

Of course I prayed for the opposite. I prayed constantly that God would show all of these doctors with their stupid statistics.  That God would save my baby--that he would be a miracle baby and would live to be born and to be kissed in his mommy's arms.  I dreamt about it too.  How much I wanted to show them all that they were wrong!  Jacob would live and be an example of God's wondrous saving power and love!

I knew in my heart though that God had a plan.  I just didn't know my part in that plan.  Would his plan include my son living for a bit longer?  Much longer?  To be born?  To only live for a few months into his first year?  I had no idea.  It was like I was setting sail into an unknown sea where there was a tumultuous wave everywhere I looked.  How would I make it through? I had no idea. 

But I had to try. For the sake of my family--for Alex, for Sammy, for Benny...even for Jacob--I had to try to make it through that storm.  I had to be strong.

I tried to start planning for all of the "hows" and "what ifs" that very day.  Do we go out of town for my mom's birthday?  How do we celebrate mom's birthday with my brother and sister-in-law who also just announced they were pregnant?  What happens if the baby dies while Alex is out of town? What if the baby makes it past 20 weeks only to die shortly after?  Will I have a c-section?  Will I be able to have more children?  What if he made it to be born only to die immediately after he took his first breath?  What if he only makes it a few days or weeks?  How would I cope?  How? How?  How? 

All I can say is from October 21 on I started thinking about all of this.  I didn't have answers but I was going to get them as soon as I could in order to regain some sort of control because when I left the doctor's office last year, I felt like I was caught up in a whirling tornado that was thrashing all over the place. I had so many questions.  Scenarios in my head.  Fears.  Tears.  Anger.  Sadness.   And what did I leave the doctor's office with?  Pamphlets?  Support groups?  Anything to help me make sense out of what had just happened? 

Nothing.  For the most part, I left that awful place with nothing.  I left only with three ultrasound pictures that I had to ask the technician for over and over--I still think that she wasn't going to do them because of Jacob's fatal condition.  Did she really think that I didn't care to have them after hearing the news???  I also left with stupid printout that the genetic counselor ran to get for me when she saw me come out of the ultrasound room.  I remember asking her if she had anything about Trisomy 13 so I could begin to educate myself on what was happening to my son.  She said no but that she'd find something.  Do you know what she gave me?  A one-page sheet which was a technical summary of Trisomy 13.  It's all she could find.  You are a genetic counselor who grills people on their genetic family history and you don't even have packets of information assembled to hand to patients when they need the information?  I couldn't even understand what she gave me.  That's what I walked out of there with.  More questions than answers and certainly no help from the doctor's office.  So I was going to get the answers myself.

One question that I've yet to find an answer to is about the "odds" in pregnancy.  What are the chances for a miscarriage/stillbirth/etc.  The "1 in 4" at times seems to be conflicting with so many things that you read.  To this day I find myself HATING statistics. I will never forget how after I had sat through an hour-long meeting with a genetic counselor answering every question under the sun that she told me, "Don't worry about all of this.  You have a 98% chance everything is fine."  This was just prior to my ultrasound.  Ninety-eight percent.  That's pretty good, huh?

Really???  How is it that I fell in the 2%?  I guess someone has to, right?  Unless I'm the "1 in 4?"  And then of all things for my precious little one to have, it's one of the most rare chromosomal abnormalities?  Well.  Let's just say when someone now quotes statistics about how rare things are, I frequently react with sarcasm.

So.  It's officially one year since I received the horrible news that my precious son wasn't going to make it.  One whole year.  One year of tears, of sadness, of anger, of confusion, of questions...and also one year of discovery, of learning, of reaching out, of helping others...and lastly, one year of love and of hope.  I love my son.  I love Jacob so much.  I will never stop loving him nor will I stop talking about him.  He was a gift from God and I treasure him daily.  I never regret that we got pregnant. I carried my son for 13 weeks and I now treasure every one of those weeks.

October 21, 2010?  A day of horrible sadness for sure.  But also a day that I CHOOSE to remember something else. I CHOOSE to remember Jacob when he was alive and showing his mommy that he was very much ALIVE during the ultrasound.  I CHOOSE to remember those moments with a smile on my face.  Jacob was kicking.  He was squirming.  He was punching.  He was opening and closing his mouth to practice for when he would breathe someday.  I loved every minute of that part of my ultrasound!  How I wish I had a video of it!  That was the last time that I saw my sweet little baby alive.  But it's not the last time that I will see him, for I will see him again.  And I will kiss every squirmy inch of him when I do.

Much of this year has been about choices.  I have learned that I must choose how I will react to things.  Sure, some days I will cry because that's all I can do.  Crying is the only choice sometimes...like on the day you find out that your baby probably will not survive. That's what I did last October 21.  I cried.  I panicked. I yelled.  I moped.  But other days when I can make that choice, I choose to be grateful for my baby, for the 13 weeks that we had with him and for the opportunity to see him so clearly that day. 

October 21, 2010.  Where were you on that day?  I was at the very beginning of my journey and one that is common to so many, unfortunately.  It's not just my journey.  It is "A Mother's Journey"...full of loss, full of love and full of hope.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, my friends. 

With love to my sweet little Jacob--Mommy remembers seeing you on October 21! I know you wanted me to see you.  You wanted me to watch every movement you made--to laugh, to cry because I loved watching you so much.  You were here, my sweet baby.  Mommy loved seeing you and always will dream of the day when I can hold you in my arms.

Kim

*Special thanks to Small Bird Studio for the beautiful graphic about strength!

HEAL - A Walk to Remember...A Time of Shared Tears

October is finally here!  For those of you who are familiar with the significance of this month, you may have already been planning your activities to remember your precious baby. For those of you who are new to the baby loss world, the month of October is a very special month for baby loss families.  In 1988 President Ronald Reagan made October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Day.  The entire month of October is a time for us to reflect on our journey through loss and grief and a time to honor and remember all babies gone too soon. I look forward to sharing this special time of year with you.

For me October has extra special meaning. This is the month one year ago that we received Jacob's fatal diagnosis.  It is is also the month that we lost him to Trisomy 13.

I plan on celebrating my love for my baby all month long and I hope you'll share in this journey with me...parts of it might be painful as we look back to where all of this began, and on the difficult times...but then other parts of it will be joyful as we see how far I've come--as far as so many mothers come who have endured this grief.  I will also be sharing how much I've learned and how much love I still have for my son.  I'd like to think that most of my blog this month will be joyful as that's all I feel for my son--joy and love--no regrets.  The last year was definitely not something I planned, but it is something that I have grown from and something that I thank God for.

I hope you'll keep up with my blog this month and if you're not a follower, please add me!  I will be unveiling a new blog look later in the month (so excited for that!) and I will be sharing some of the baby remembrance events that I am participating in and coordinating as well.  If you are participating in baby remembrance events of your own, I'd love to hear about them and to share some of them here.  Please leave a comment so I can reach you. 

Because this month is so special to me, I also will be having some giveaways throughout the month.  These are just a small way for me to thank you -- each of you for taking the time to read my blog, to follow it and for offering your supportive comments, thoughts and prayers throughout this past year.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me.  Look for my blog posts to be approximately 3-4 times per week during the month of October.  Giveaways will be sprinkled throughout the month so keep an eye out!  The very first one will be on Thursday, October 6 and will be a copy of Richard Paul Evan's book, The Christmas Box (read below for why I chose this book).  If you don't have this book, it's a very inspirational read!  Even if you have the book, consider entering anyway as it would make a great gift.  Please just post a comment below this post to enter!  I will randomly draw one name on Thursday at 11:30 PM EST.

I couldn't have asked for a more special way to kick off this month of remembrance.  We participated in the HEAL Walk to Remember Sunday afternoon and this was our very first remembrance event to attend for Jacob.  HEAL stands for Helping Endure A Loss and is sponsored by the Atrium Medical Center in Middletown, OH. 

While the Walk to Remember was very emotional for all of us who attended, there was also much beauty and love blooming in the Children's Memorial Garden yesterday.  You could feel it all around you.  I have included several pictures of the event below and I hope you can feel the beauty that I saw and felt too.  Even if you never lost a child, I think there is something that makes us all stronger by sharing in a remembrance ceremony like this.

We got to the Atrium Medical Center at about 1:40 PM on Sunday.  I was feeling very anxious.  While I was really excited to be doing this for my baby and with my family, I also felt nervous about arriving to the walk on time and getting signed in. The walk was to begin promptly at 2:00 PM and I was worried that we might arrive late, not get a balloon or other memento items.  I know it sounds silly, but those things were important to me.

Once we found the event (after being on the wrong side of town) I dashed up to the event sign-in while Alex got the boys and stroller out of the car.  I had plenty of time, of course, but still wanted to make sure I made it through all of the stations to do and get what I needed to.

The first station:  Welcome

I am so proud to say that HEAL put on an amazing and wonderfully organized event.  I know how much planning these events can take and you could tell from the very first step that you took into the event area of the parking lot that they didn't leave any details out.  The first table you went to was clearly labeled, "Welcome".  Here I received a beautiful program.  I had no idea there would be that much structure so felt even more excited at what was to come in the ceremony.  The women at this table directed me to the next table to get name tags.

The second station: Name tags

Well, here is where I lost it.  A dark-haired woman wearing a beautiful baby photo button instructed me to fill out a name tag with Jacob's name and to wear it on my coat so everyone could see my son's name.   I don't know if it was seeing her baby or perhaps just writing Jacob's name on a light blue name tag with a butterfly on it, but somehow right at that moment I couldn't speak.  It was the type of tears that suddenly come out of nowhere to choke you while you talk. 

I think I spit out that there were four of us so as the lady counted out four name tags in blue and green colors (since Jacob was a boy), I looked up at her and said, "I'm sorry.  I was doing fine until I got here."  I don't know...was it that she was so kind to get all blue and one green name tags since that's what I originally requested?  Something so small and seemingly insignificant brought me to tears.  Seeing Jacob's name followed by the heart that I drew on it, knowing that everyone would see my precious baby's name on our coats...well, I just couldn't stop the tears from coming.  It was as if they had a mind of their own.

The lady took my hand and said, "It's okay.  That's what we are here for today."  I don't remember what else she said but she gave me two extra packs of Kleenex from a basket, our orange and yellow, "Free to fly" bracelets, and purple buttons with the same logo.  I quickly scooped up my items and went to the next station.

Because my nametag wouldn't stick to my coat, I wore Jacob close to my heart...

The third station: Backpacks

Again, who would have known we would be given so much stuff today?  Here I picked up a black and orange backpack with the HEAL and Walk to Remember logos.  I didn't look inside right then but found handouts later that talked about their support groups as well as a Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony for our babies in December...oh, and more Kleenex!

The fourth station: Butterflies

I think I was still weepy at this point.  I couldn't say anything to the women working behind the tables.  The wind was blowing, gentle music played on a loudspeaker, and here I was writing with love and pride, "Jacob Alexander Villalva" on a lavender butterfly while tears continued to force themselves from my eyes.  I love to write Jacob's name. 

I think all of the women working this event knew what the mood might be.  No one pushed you to talk, no one forced you to laugh or smile...there just seemed to be an invisible support net that you felt caught in from the moment you entered the registration area of the parking lot.  Here was a safe place to be yourself and to let your emotions out if and whenever you needed to.

I looked towards the car and saw my hubby taking his time getting the boys extra coats and hats and then the stroller so I kept making my way through everything.  It was starting to get more crowded as 2:00 approached.

The fifth station:  Kids.

Wow.  I cannot believe that this organization cared so much to plan goodie bags for kids!  They were beyond generous!  They had bags for kids 3 and under and 4 and up.  Each bag was full of little toys, a pinwheel and animal crackers.  It was so sweet to see that butterflies were a common toy item--butterflies are symbolic in the baby loss community and I thought it was so touching that they included this symbol for our children.  Kids were also given rocks with butterflies on them--I took two and was told I could have the boys place them in the Memorial Garden or I could take them home.  Well, no doubt about that!  These rocks were coming home with me!  I am going to have Sammy and Benny decorate each of them around the butterfly and then date it for this year.  Can't wait to do that special craft with them.

The sixth station:  Balloons.

Big purple and orange balloons with alternating colored ribbon were provided for our balloon release...and you didn't just get a balloon.  You got to write your sweet baby's name on a card marked, "Precious Child".  More tears.  Yes, I kind of assumed that I would cry today but I didn't think they would give me so many opportunities and so early in the event!  :) At this point though, I never know when it will hit me.  My emotions are right there it seems, just waiting for a moment to escape. And of course, this month is probably just a tad extra heavy on emotions due to Jacob's angelversary approaching so I guess I need to be ready for it.

I fought the wind to tie Jacob's card, marked "Jacob--Mommy loves you!", onto the balloon ribbon.  Once I secured my card to the ribbon, I wrapped the ribbon around my fingers tightly so it wouldn't blow away.  Again, it probably sounds silly, but I felt that I just couldn't lose my balloon.  Even when Alex brought Sam back from the bathroom (you probably could have guessed that!), and we were looping the other 3 balloons on to the stroller, I had a death grip on all 4 strings.  The wind was pulling so hard and every once in awhile you'd see a balloon fly away.  It wasn't long before I felt my left hand cramping but I didn't mind, as long as I didn't lose my balloons.

Our Walk to Remember...Jacob

Finally it was time to start our walk.  I gave Alex my camera since my left hand was busy with the balloons.  He did a great job capturing the setting and us starting our walk.  We started in the middle of the group so had a lot of open space around us.  Then we caught up to the mass of people ahead of us, while another large clump trailed slowly behind us.  I didn't realize it until I saw the photo below, but I guess my emotions were quite easy to read just by looking at me.

We walked along a sidewalk that lined the curvy road.  To our right was the hospital.  To our left was a field, woods...simply nature.  It was a beautiful walk with the blue sky above and green around us.  It was only a 1/4 of a mile walk so it went pretty quick.  We didn't say much on this walk.  I don't think I could have talked if I had to. 

As we walked up the hill, I saw an event photographer take our picture.  I wondered what we said to him as we approached...what stories did our faces tell?  Could he see a mother's loss and longing to hold her son?  Could he see innocence on the boys'?   Could he see a quiet uncertainty on my husband's?

We came to the Children's Memorial Garden and found a spot on the grass since the circular bricked area in the middle was already full.  Alex guessed that there were probably about 200 people there.  Two hundred people came to remember their children on this cold, blustery day.  I saw grandparents looking like children themselves as they held the brightly colored balloons.  I saw little kids posing by memorial plates for their lost brother or sister.  I saw young couples--childless and clinging to each other.  I saw people like us.  Some families wore shirts to honor their loving children.  Others wore photo buttons.  All of us proudly wore our baby's name tags. I wished I would have had time to ask about each name that I saw.  I'm sure everyone would have shared a beautiful story about their child.

The Ceremony

The coordinator opened with a few comments about how we were all connected on this journey through grief.  We are a family. Last year when Jacob died, I would have never thought that I would be joining another family and yet...I have.  We have.  We belong to the baby loss community now.  We are forever a part of this very special group of people who have lost a child...a child gone too soon. 

The coordinator then prepared to read the list of names from the butterflies that we filled out earlier.  She spoke lovingly of her son, Mark, who passed away 19 years ago.  "Even though it's been 19 years, my heart still leaps with joy when someone says Mark's name out loud.  I will never hear his name at a football game.  Or at his graduation."  I will write more about this in a later blog post, but for those of you who have not lost a child, hearing your child's name said aloud is a treasure that long echoes in our ears and our hearts. 

As she read each name from the pastel butterflies, another volunteer stapled them to the orange ribbons that were blowing on a wreath.  When Sammy heard the name, 'Jacob', he said, "Mommy, that's Jacob!"  I said that that was a Jacob...but not our Jacob yet.  I counted one family had lost 5 babies.  A couple lost 4.  Some lost three and many lost 2.  My heart breaks for them.  One volunteer we met later had three baby girl names on her name tag.  She told me there were triplets and she lost them at 20 weeks and only had minutes with them alive.  She now has twins. :)

Finally our Jacob's name was read and our last name mispronounced. :)  Alex and I just smiled at each other. 

After the reading of the names, it was time to let the tears flow once more.  A soloist sang the song, "Precious Child" by Karen Taylor-Good and I don't think I was the only one wiping my face.  This song has been one of my favorite songs since I found this community. If you have never heard the words to this song, or if you are in the mood for a good cry, click on the link at the very bottom of this post and watch the video.  The words speak so gently to your heart.

The Balloon Release

After the song, we were instructed to walk up to the next garden in more of a clearing so the balloons would launch more freely and not get caught in trees.  A few had already popped or blown off but HEAL was so prepared that they had volunteers with more balloons so you wouldn't feel left out.

We made our way to the inner part of the garden circle this time and stood on the bricks.  Alex worked on untangling our balloons and I kept hoping my loose one wouldn't blow off that close to our release.  We untangled mine first.  Then Sammy's.  Then his and Benny's which had twisted together. 

The song, "Somewhere Out There" was played and everyone turned slowly around to face the outside of the circle towards the open sky--almost as if on cue.  As I turned, I saw the balloons going into the air from behind me.  The wind took each one of them up into the open sky, far from any trees or buildings.  I felt the string that I had held so tightly around my fingers loosen...and I let Jacob's balloon fly away to join those of his angel friends.  I was so happy to catch a picture of it--it's the orange one in the middle of the picture, (closest to the camera) and you can see the tag hanging from it. :)

Sammy let his go (the orange one in the bottom right corner of the picture above) and finally Alex and Benny.  Again, I was able to get a picture of their late release as their purple balloons followed the rest of the already far into the sky.  Not only could I hear the timeless melody still playing, and cameras clicking, but also sniffles from all around.  We all watched the orange and purple balloons dot the clouds in the beautiful blue sky and dance in the breeze.  They all flew off in the same direction--together. 

I heard a sniffle to my right--it was Alex.  My dear, sweet husband who for so long has held his emotion in, let it out freely during the balloon release.  We leaned on each other which of course made me sob some more. I longed for my baby to bundle up in the cold.  I wished he was riding in the stroller with a cute little blankie wrapped around him tight.  I know I haven't talked a lot about my husband's way of dealing with grief in this past year but have truly respected how we have shared our grief together and yet in very different ways.  Seeing him moved that much during the balloon release...well, it's hard to hold it together when you see your husband cry.  I was so grateful that he could spending time with his son in this way.  For just those few moments, everything stopped around us--schedules slowed down, there was nothing else for either of us to do but to mourn, remember and love our baby. 

I blew several kisses to Jacob, waved and gave him my "heart".  Sammy and Daddy gave Jacob hearts and we then made our way back to the Children's Garden for pictures.

It's hard to explain the emotion that you see and feel at an event like this.  Tears?  Sure.  Many eyes were red and many cheeks were streaked with eye liner.  Many sunglasses hid the depths of pain their owners felt.  Many words go unspoken but a hug can between two moms can capture it all--just like the woman at the name tag table who took my hand earlier.  I couldn't say much, but looking into her eyes through my hazy tear-filled ones, I knew she knew and felt what I felt.  That was enough.

But back in the garden after the balloon release, there were also feelings of love and hope that were shared amongst all of us.  I think everyone felt a little bit lighter.  No pun intended referring to the balloons, but it's as if the balloons lifted some of our sorrow and let it fly free and far away from our souls.  Our love soared to our children and then, I think our grief went too.  I think many of us felt a sense of peace settle in after being part of such a beautiful ceremony.  Families took pictures of their child's marker or of their kids placing the butterfly rocks in the garden.  Others photographed the wreath of names like we were about to do.

I went up to the wreath and remembered that Jacob's butterfly was lavender.  Something about the softness of that color spoke to me today and so I wrote on that one instead of looking for a blue one.  Because the wind was so strong, it was difficult to pin down the ribbons and to see some of the names which were twisting all around.  I'm smiling as I write this because you know what?  The very first lavender butterfly I flipped around was my Jacob's. :)  There is some significance here and I had a similar event happen years ago when I lost my grandparents' graves in the snow.  But, that's another story.

I held his butterfly in my hands and kissed it, just as if I would have held and kissed him had he been alive today.

Alex and I sat next to Jacob's butterfly...together.  There was just something so special to me about sharing these moments with my husband. I was also so grateful that we didn't rush our time there.  We took our time looking at the memorials, the baby angel statues and the Angel of Hope statue which graces the center of the garden.  I didn't know it until today but the Angel of Hope statue came out of a plea from parents nation-wide after reading Richard Paul Evans' A Christmas Box book several years ago.  There are 90 Angel of Hope statues across the country and that Evans finally commissioned.  We are lucky to have one here!

Below are just a few of the other baby stones that I loved.

We walked back along the curvy road and I too one more picture of the crowd who remained to enjoy the Children's Garden.

When we reached the parking lot, I saw that only one table remained now.  All of the brightly colored balloons were gone.  All of the families with their baby's names on their coats had left.  The event was over.  I think many of us came today with heavy feelings of sorrow on our hearts.  I know I was looking forward to this day but I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me when I got there.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one.  But I think we left a part of our grief there...it went high up into the clouds with our balloons.  Will there be more grief and tears in the future?  Yep, most definitely.  Does this journey ever have an end where you don't feel some level of sadness?  No, I don't think so.  I have learned that this journey will continue until I reach my Jacob someday in Heaven and all along it I will face days of great joy and others of sorrow that will pop out at me when I am least expecting it.  Some tears I will be happy to shed and others I won't. 
No matter what, I am clinging to one thing on this journey.  It's what's gotten me this far in the last year and what I know I will need as I walk on my journey...hope.  Looking forward to spending this month with you, to sharing our tears, our joy, and of course, our hope.

With love to my precious Jacob...
Kim :)

Don't forget to check out the link to "Precious Child" and to post a comment for the book!

Here is the link to "Precious Child"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo&feature=feedf

An Overwhelmingly Sad Day

Well, I'm back.  And it's late.  What's new?  I'm always the late-night poster. :)  That's probably because it's the only time I have free time to write. 

I'm sorry for the lengthy delay in responding.  Been a fast, furious and fatiguing several weeks. 

Will keep this post short so I can try to get to bed for at least a bit...before we head out of town tomorrow.

Today was rough.  I've been thinking a lot lately about so many women I've met in the Baby Loss Community--both online and in person.  They are such beautiful, compassionate and supportive women.  We all share a common bond--the loss of a baby.  Today for some reason and more than normal, I was feeling their losses, I was looking at pictures of their babies at various ages when they passed away and I even saw a picture of a little boy who may have looked like Jacob did when he died at 13 weeks in my womb.  What a sweet little baby...so tender, so innocent...just like my Jacob.

And then right before dinner, I saw a note that a woman in one of our facebook baby loss communities was right then in labor to deliver her son who died two days prior.  I couldn't believe it.  Yes, we know this stuff happens all the time but how often do we know right when it's happening?  Here I was sitting down to dinner with my boys, about to eat teriyaki chicken and I couldn't stop thinking of what this woman was going through.  My heart still goes out to her and her family.  Just yesterday she had posted a question about not feeling her baby move for the last day or so. I, along with so many others, advised her to go to the doctor and not to wait.  I know we all held her in our prayers as we hoped that the baby was okay.

On a personal note, earlier I had to reschedule my blood test for next week.  Actually I had to push it back--just what every woman who is trying to conceive wants to do, you know?  My nurse wants to make sure we don't catch my trigger shot like we did last time (I'll have to fill you in later).  So I still have another week left to wait.  I can't even cheat and take a home pregnancy test because it will just pick up the hcg in my system from the shot so no go there.  Patience, patience and more patience. 

Can I be honest?  Part of me is horribly scared.  What if?  What if this time things somehow were to work?  I will have to give more details to catch you up on this latest round of fertility treatments in a day or so...but let's just pretend things do work.  I've known that even if I get a positive it's a long, scary road with an unknown destination.  Maybe I'll never get that chance to go down that road again, I don't know.  Would I stop trying because I don't want to take that path?  Nope.  I can't do that.  I don't know.  It's just so scary knowing that I may make it even farther than 13 weeks only to lose another baby.  And yet, even though I am well aware of this, I have to keep trying until there are no options left.

My hope and prayer is simple.  If I do get pregnant again that I can 1) be strong enough to get through whatever happens with God's help, and that of my friends and family and 2) that I will celebrate each and every day with that baby with joy, hope and love...no matter how short or long that time may be.   Joy, lots and lots of joy.  That's what I want.  I want to share that joy with all of you if I'm ever able.

Do you know that's what I still feel about Jacob?  Joy.  I think today may have been when I found out that I was pregnant last year.  It's got to be getting close but since I'm not organized enough to find last year's calendar right now all I can do is to go by gut feelings and timing.  I remember the shock and joy I felt at finally becoming pregnant again!  I still feel that joy for my son.  I love him dearly.  I would not have changed anything that happened (well, of course that he lived)...but even though he left us, I know he is happy and so loved in Heaven.  Just knowing I have him waiting there for me brings me such comfort.  He lives in my heart too...always.

For some reason the tears fell a bit more freely than normal today.  Perhaps because I was overwhelmed by the grief that others have been suffering, maybe having 3 "slower than normal" days in my life allowed feelings to surface that I normally keep buried under all of my busyness, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what caused my off and on sadness today.  Who knows, if this hcg in my system mimics pregnancy symptoms as I'm told it does, that might explain my mood too.  I know it definitely has knocked me on my butt fatigue-wise just like last month.

That would also explain my absence from writing--too plain tired to write at 3:00 AM! :) 

Well, friends just wanted to let you know I'm still here, my blog is still here and I have lots and lots to write about!  I must tell you to end on a happy note how much I am looking forward to the month of October.  I've dubbed that, "Jacob's month", and have all sorts of things planned--from my blog, to our day to remember him, to things I will be doing to honor my sweet baby who is waiting for me in Heaven.  I really am looking forward to a month-long celebration of his short, yet special time here on this earth.  I hope you'll join me in celebrating him.

With joy in my heart for my Jacob,

Kim :)

Is My Faith Strong Enough?

You know, I wanted to write a week ago.  Right after the 4th of July I was beaming with joy.  Not at being pregnant unfortunately, but because of the wonderful time I had with my family on the holiday.  There were just so many joyful moments that day.  I was full of love for my boys and am so very thankful for them.  I had so much I wanted to write in my blog but didn't get to the computer as quickly as I would have liked.  Recently then, my mood has shifted again...no, I'm not NOT thankful for my boys--I am and always will be.  It's just that I don't feel all peppy and hopeful enough to write the post I had planned.  Been feeling frustrated lately.

So forgive me for the tone of this post, I guess I have to write about the good and the bad, the optimistic and the doubtful...I know the more inspirational stuff will be back.  I just need to get this out of my system because I hate feeling like this. 

Why the frustration?  I'm sure you can guess.  Well, for one, finding out I had those cysts which are preventing treatment this month was a downer for sure.  I just hate how they keep telling me that "we can't afford to waste any opportunity" but then they tell me I have cysts so can't do treatment this month but that "it's very normal when taking fertility drugs."  Talk about pressure. I tell you it's a wonder I don't hear an old-fashioned alarm clock literally ticking out loud...following me with every "tick tick tick" and then those bells on top...at some point I know they will go off--"BRRRIIINNNGG!"  You know how the alarm sound (digital or old-fashioned) can send your heart flipping sometimes?  That's how I feel.  Like I'm waiting for the alarm to go off signalling that my chances at another baby are over.  Done.  Gone.  Serious biological clock ticking away.

If the cysts weren't enough to spike my frustration, the negative ovulation tests are.  Now, I don't know if I ovulated early or perhaps if I just missed it with my random testing.  Who knows.  I just have a bad feeling that I'm not anywhere in the game this month.  The RE had told me that some couples do conceive in "off months" because the medicines had helped the eggs to mature in quality so that did give me hope.   But if I'm not even seeing a positive on my ovulation predictor, where's the hope in that???  My nurse had told me not to bother with the tests this month, just to time intercourse appropriately.  Did she tell me that because she knew my chances were slim and she wanted me to save the $25 this month?   That's what I'm thinking.  I don't know, maybe I would have rather them told me to not even try this month because I'd have a .00000001 chance instead of 5% or whatever my normal percentages are.  So frustrating.

As a result, I just haven't felt that in to it this month.  I think that's why I may have started testing too late.  I also haven't been testing totally regularly either--you're supposed to test at the same time every day and preferably in the mornings.  I've tested whenever I thought about it.  Each time a big hollow circle stares at me from the digital screen.  No happy face this month--on the read out screen or on me.

It's almost like I don't even care to try.  I mean, I want to and I'm still trudging through it but I keep hearing, "Why bother?" in my head.  Of course, time with my husband is nice but I know it's not achieving anything in the baby area so why sacrifice sleep on some of these nights?  We could just skip it and wait until we're on vacation or something.  Why even try now?

Additionally I haven't called my RE yet to ask all of the "what if" questions about my next cycle and the timing of potential treatments. I think I mentioned in my previous post that we're going to be out of town sometime at the start of my next cycle.  That's just great.  This would prevent me from making it in to the office for the ultrasound (obviously) and hence, cancel any treatment for that month...again. 

I've been agonizing over what to do.  Could I ask my husband to bow out of this work trip?  Yeah, I guess I could.  And his boss might allow it, although I kind of doubt it.  But, this is a once a year trip and a pretty important one at that in our nation's capital.  It's just not the best thing to try to back out of.  I've looked at the dates backwards and forwards and analyzed the times my period may start until I gave myself a headache that one night sitting at my dining room table.  My calendar was there and I kept looking at the dates...trying to guess when the next show would start.  It comes down to a slim window of when my period may or may not start and trying to make an appointment before we leave for D.C.   I keep joking that my luck my period will show up an hour after we're on the road.  Talk about depressing.

I just don't know what to do about the whole D.C. thing.  Trying to put off making the decision about the appointment and subsequent departure city (long story) until the last minute.  And it's coming up on me fast.  Tick, tick, tick.

I think my worries are that I'm losing time faster than fast.  Since I may not be ovulating on my own this month, is that just due to the cysts or perhaps the oncoming menopause??  I do know that cysts can supposedly interfere with ovulation and that's one of the reasons they don't give you medicines during that time.  I'd love it if that's why I may not have ovulated this month.  I hope that's it and not that I'm taking big strides towards the "end."  Just makes me sick to even think about.

Of course I know I simply need to call and pummel a nurse with all of my fears and questions.  I just didn't have the desire to do it last week and didn't have the energy today.  I'm going to force myself to make the call tomorrow.

I have to make that call and one more.  I have to call to find out how MUCH all of the next round of treatment will cost, provided I can be here for it.  I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty.  I know again it's just a simple call to the pharmacy company that researches and handles it for you but I'm just not looking forward to the answer I may get. 

Fear of the unknown.  Yup, that's me in a nutshell.  I'm totally panicked at what might be out there---what if I can't afford the meds for this month?  Let alone next month?  What if I can't make the appointment this month?  Will I still have an opportunity next time??  How much longer can I try?? 

Yesterday I made it to church despite having a short night of choppy sleep. I've been trying to go more regularly...that's another story for another post.  Anyway, something the pastor spoke about hit home with me.  The sermon was based on Matthew 13:3, "And He (Jesus) told them many things in parables, saying:  'Listen!  A sower went out to sow.'"  You may remember the story--depending on where the seeds fell affected how well they grew.  Seeds that fell into thorns were choked out, etc.  Jesus went on to make his point in the story and explained that only the person who hears the word and understands it will be like the seeds that fell on good soil. 

I wonder where I am?  Do I really understand God's word the way I should?  I'm not talking about the facts--dates, places, and such but rather the message that God wants us to get out of His word.  How we come to Him in times of trouble.  How we are supposed to give everything to Him. 

I know my faith isn't as strong as I'd love it to be, I can't deny that.  I don't question God in Jacob's death..I know it was for a reason.  He had Trisomy 13, yes, but I believe God has a plan for everything--even Jacob's short time here in his mommy's belly.  Was his death to bring me closer to God?  Was God calling me back because I hadn't been going to church regularly?  Oh yes, I pray regularly and I read lots of religious books.  I belong to a Christian Writing Group here in Ohio and also in Texas. I started writing devotionals a few years go.  But church?  I have to admit that life had gotten in the way of what I grew up doing and did for years and years--going to church regularly every Sunday.

I know I've needed God more in my life and am thankful that I'm taking steps to make that happen.  Even going to church more regularly is helping.  I can feel it.

I can imagine that there are a ton of reasons that God had for what happened to my baby.  I would never be able to guess them all and that's okay because no matter what I'm thankful that I carried Jacob for those 13 weeks.  I love my baby so much.  He continues to be a part of our lives and I am so happy about that. 

There are so many things that I'm thankful for since losing Jacob.  I'm grateful for the healing that I've felt since losing my precious little baby.  It still hits me hard some times but I'm really trying to turn my grief into something good--I'm trying to find ways to help others, to connect with other Baby Loss Moms and to never take anything or anyone for granted.

I thank God that I've been able to grow so much from Jacob's passing.  My Christmas stories about Jacob's death won and were printed all over the country and even in Canada.  I still am so amazed that my words reached others during the holiday season and hope they were inspired by my story of hope.  As you know, I've also been blogging and trying to make sense out of this crazy journey that I'm on and I'm grateful for the opportunity to write as often as I have.  I'm also so very thankful that my writing has touched others.  Thank you for sharing that with me when my posts do hit you in some way!  Your comments and support means more to me than you'll ever know! 

So, to sum it up, I'm still trying to have another baby.  I'm still on this journey.  But I feel so shaky...like maybe I'm the rocky soil or the bad dirt that was mentioned in Jesus' parable yesterday and that this baby won't take root because I'm not strong enough in my faith.  Does this make sense?  I feel like I can't get my words right tonight.  I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing?  Should we just give up?  If we give up, then that's telling God that we're done, right? How can He help us if we don't take the steps to let Him help us?? 

Yeah, I know of the saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."  I had a dear friend tell me recently that God might just put a young woman in our paths who has a baby for us to adopt.  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Yes, I'd love to have my own baby but I'd be just as happy adopting one.  There's only one problem with this--we just wouldn't have the money.  Plain and simple.  So that's that.

To me I see my options as 1--keep trying until I've exhausted everything I can or until I run out of time and hit menopause or 2--give up now and "move on."  I've said before that I wish God would just write it in the sky or something--"Here's what Kim is supposed to do about the baby thing..."  I keep hoping that I'm reading the "signs" right.  We make it to our appointments when we've come in late from out of town.  I have a new RE working with me to up the medications and to be more aggressive.  So far I've come up with the funds I've needed.  Stuff like that.  I figure that these are all good things, right?  Or despite these things, am I to just give up and stop trying?

I ask again, is my faith strong enough?  I know in the end what will be, will be.  I'll have to find a way to deal with it--to get through it--to 'move on' if that's what it comes to.  I don't look forward to it if that's what's coming, I can be honest.  But...where does faith play in to all of this?  Am I to have faith that things will work out somehow, someway and that we should just keep trying?  Isn't the Bible full of stories of people who didn't understand the whys and whens but they kept holding on to faith anyway? 

I was flipping through a book the other day that talked about that very thing.  All through the Bible, people were told of Jesus' coming.  They just didn't know when.  They waited.  They waited some more.  They waited a whole lot more.  And then, finally, He came.  They had to keep believing.  I think faith is kind of a key to everything...faith in Jesus brings us salvation.  Believing.  Holding on.  Trusting. 

Remember Abraham, was it??  The man who found out he'd have as many descendants as the stars?  I don't know why but that story has popped up so many times in books and devotionals that I've read.  I would love to think that it's trying to tell me something or teach me something, I don't know.  Abraham and his wife were past childbearing age and hadn't thought it possible, but then...a baby.  More importantly--they trusted God.  They believed Him.  They had faith.

All I can do is to pray again tonight and every night that God speaks to me, that He quiets the clamor and fear and distrust in my mind and helps me to focus on Him.  I know I can get in the way so often.  I'm the queen of worry warts, the one who tries to work so hard to plan, plan and plan some more.  I know I need to get out of the way and trust God completely in this.  If I can just be quiet, I hope I will be able to hear Him more clearly.

Sorry if this post has you wondering why I'm all over the place...I know what I'm trying to say but struggling to explain it.  I am desperately holding on to hope that things will work out for the best, whatever that means.  I'm also desperately holding on to hope that anything is possible and that we can have another baby if God wants us to.  I'm just struggling with how to balance both of those views of hope.  Wow.  I think that's it in a nut shell.  Wow.

Looking for silence tonight my friends, silence and of course, God's calming voice to lead me to where He wants me to go.

Wishing for all of you quiet moments to pray, to reflect, to love or to simply pause in your life...

Kim :)

A Season of Growing

So here we are.  It's slightly past mid-June and summer has come and decided to stay...finally!  For us folks in Ohio, we had a teaser of spring coming back once or twice but I think summer's hanging on now for the long haul.

In the past three weeks I've found myself doing something that I never thought I'd love.  Gardening.  Planting. Weeding.  That sounds so silly.  I can't believe I'm even admitting it but you know how sometimes things in life just feel right?  You may not be thinking of it consciously but it's there...at some point you smile to yourself and say, "This is right.  I feel content and happy."  Well, that's how I felt again this evening--it was my third time in the past few weeks planting flowers at our new house.

Now, what no one knows is that I've never been much of a green thumb.  I can remember as a kid we would have family work days where on a Saturday we would work as a family to clean out the garage, rake leaves, etc.  Typical chores kind of stuff.  For some reason, as much as I loved to play outside, to ride my bike outside and to feel the grass beneath my bare feet, I just wasn't one to care to plant flowers, veggies, pull weeds or anything.  In fact, if I had a choice of chores, I would usually pick the inside stuff like vacuuming or dusting while my mom, dad and brother went outside to work.  I know I wasn't fond of dirt and bugs were definitely not high on my list so perhaps that was it??  For whatever reason, I preferred housework to yard work. 

Anyway, as I grew older, got out on my own and then married, I did try to plant flowers wherever we lived.  I never had any luck.  In Texas, it was just too hot.  Plain and simple.  I could never figure out how often to water what I had planted in pots outside of my apartment during my grad school years and so every flower died within a week. 

Oklahoma wasn't much better.  Our home there had a few bushes and ugly grass.  It wasn't very scenic.  It was also very shady so didn't allow for petunias and the like to enjoy the sun. 

Let's move ahead to when we lived in Tennessee..any luck?  Nope. When I planted flowers in flower boxes at our one house, they all died.  Too much water?  Not enough?  Who knows.  Of course it probably didn't help that one box fell right off of the porch because the wood had rotted.  Bad memories of that place.  Enough said about that.

I think besides the weather, the other problem that I found through my adventures in gardening was that we have always been renting homes.  We've moved 5 times in 7 years (yes, you read that right) so haven't officially settled down yet (but I'm really hoping we can buy soon!)  Most of our homes didn't have flower beds or any space to try to plant flowers or a garden in.  I guess I could have just dug up some grass and plopped a flower into it but I kind of think the homeowners wouldn't have appreciated that much.

So you have my history of not being too in to gardening.  Let me throw a contradiction out there if it makes sense.  Would you believe that oh, in the past 5 or more years I've found myself imagining what life would be like on a farm?  Not that I'd ever see myself as a farmer but...well, I guess I've been attracted to the calmness.  To the idea of trying to understand how the earth works--when dirt is ready for planting, how to plant and actually grow things, how to eat what you grow, etc.  My space.  My land.  I guess it's kind of a secret dream of mine to maybe someday buy a couple acres and play around with it. A garden here.  A flower bed there.  A play area for the kids over there.  Space for my husband's dream Army WWII Jeep somewhere (wait, that's his dream!) 

Well, I guess you could say here in Dayton, we've hit the jackpot as far as space.  The house we are currently living in has TONS of flowerbeds.  They are everywhere. When we moved in last August, they were overgrown with weeds and such and we didn't want to spend money to plant so late in the season.  But, once the rainy spring finally let up a few weeks ago I jumped in and gave it a shot. Our landlord has joked with me several times saying that if he had it his way he'd dig up every bed and put grass seed in.  But, because it was his mother-in-law's house and she's still alive, they can't change things too much in case she wants to drive by to see her old home.  She really misses it and prided herself on her flowers.  He told us several times too that we weren't expected to do the flower/mulch thing but I told him I wanted to for us. I love how flowers look so was so excited to see what might happen.  Did I mention that in the past our home had been in House Beautiful Magazine for it's beautiful landscaping??  Talk about a past!

I think a big part of my recent enjoyment of planting came when we returned from a week-long trip to my mom's.  I was so surprised to see that the petunias and marigolds I had planted were STILL ALIVE!!  And, would you believe the seeds I planted were sprouting??  Well, whatever you call it--sprouts, seedlings...little green stuff was poking through the dirt.  I have never had any luck ever with seeds and yet, here they were showing themselves!  I was overjoyed to see that something I planted had actually lived.  And they live still!!

I've found myself thinking a lot about this in the past few weeks, and especially tonight as I was planting more flowers that I bought while at my mom's.  When I was pulling weeds from the warm earth with my bare fingers earlier today, I felt proud of the work I was doing.  I knew I'd see the result and be happy with it.   So it was raining.  So I had dirt in my fingernails.  It just felt right to be there in that moment doing what I was doing.

And then tonight again after dinner, even as my cheap shovel broke in two, I was still smiling as I plopped each little flower into their hole.   You know how people talk about "seasons" of their lives?  I think there's even a song--"For every season..." something-something-something.  Well, I've heard that a lot in the past 2 years.  Friends in writing groups, online, etc. have mentioned that they were in this season or that season of their lives.  Even my Christian Writing Group in Texas last year mentioned that.  That sometimes members were with us for a season and then may have to step out for a bit.  The idea of "seasons" of our lives has kind of stuck with me.

Is this a season of growing for me?  Could it be?  Not just a green thumb but perhaps a pink thumb or a light blue one?  Some of you might be wondering where we are at with our fertility treatments.  We've finished "round 2" as I like to call it. Basically this is the second month of treatment that we've gone through with the RE. It was nice to finally be able to start a month ago.  We did Femara for two cycles now.  Femara works like Clomid and blocks the estrogen, I think, so that something else beefs up and helps your eggs grow better.  I ovulated on my own last cycle and had a great ovulation based on my progesterone test but no luck beyond that.

For this cycle, they caught me just in time and gave me the trigger shot--Ovidrel--to start the ovulation process and help mature the egg.  For those of you not familiar with this stuff, Ovidrel is a shot you get in your stomach.  EEK!  Well,  it's not that bad.  I hate needles so planned for the nurse to give it to me.  It hurt a tad but nothing like I thought it could.  Thankfully it's a little tiny needle that goes just below the surface of your skin.  I still don't totally get it, but apparently by them triggering my ovulation we can better time intercourse.  I just do what they say to do.

Well, with our eh, assignment, in hand, we did what we were supposed to do.  While it was most definitely enjoyable, I won't lie and say it wasn't also a bit of work.  I tell you, I am constantly thinking of couples who go through this and more for months and years to try to conceive.  My heart truly goes out to them because it gets to be really taxing on you physically, emotionally, and of course, not to mention financially.  Because we had timing to consider, we didn't always get a lot of sleep.  Life goes on, you know.  It doesn't just stop for you to do your fertility thing.  The boys were in Bible School that week.  We had just returned from an out of town trip.  We have been getting ready for another big trip across country.  To say that our efforts were a breeze would be a big ol' fib. 

Work.  Yes, trying to have a baby can be a lot of work.  Just like trying to get things to grow outside.  As I struggled with some of the weeds tonight I kept telling myself, "It's worth it.  Think of how pretty this spot will look when you're done.  Think of the stress you're relieving!"  :)  That's what I kept telling myself throughout the last week of our attempts as well.  It's worth it to put forth the extra effort--to at least try.  I remember I made that decision with myself back at the beginning on the fertility journey when I found out that I had old eggs.  In February of this year, I had said that I'd try for as long as I could.  I had been pregnant before and could be again if I tried hard enough, and if it was to be.  But I knew I had to put forth the effort--to take the medications, deal with the side effects, plan our lives around doctor appointments, etc.  If there were options, we'd go for it.  If we could afford it, we'd do it.  I'm grateful that my husband knows that this isn't an easy task.  He's put forth the effort too (obviously) and so we run to appointment after appointment, he has to listen to me worry about new medications when I get them, cry if I have a cyst that prevents treatment, etc.  He also just stays tuned in to when I tell him it's showtime. 

As I walked around the yard tonight I stopped and checked out some little seedlings in a smaller bed.  They don't look so good.  A few of them in the row that I planted a few weeks ago are poking through but they are much tinier than all of the others in the yard.  I don't even remember what flower I planted there--perhaps it was something that needed more sun than the area is getting, I don't know.  I planted a bunch of impatiens around that area to give them some friends.  I figure I'll see what happens when I get back from my trip in about 10 days.  If they don't start growing more, I'll just re-plant more flowers there and figure that they just didn't take root.

I find myself wondering about how seeds take root.  You can do everything right but sometimes things still don't grow.  Just like in trying to make a baby.  I truly believe it's way more than just science.  God has a hand it in, I know He does.  I like imagining Him as the Gardener who forms us in the womb--I love that verse in the Bible.  I know He knew my special little Jacob in the womb.  He had plans for my little sweetheart. 

In thinking about my little flower seeds that are struggling, I find myself worrying about my own gardening going on.  Has an egg made friends with some sperm recently?  Will something take root and start to grow?  Is it a good egg?? 

I go tomorrow for my progesterone test.  I hope my score is as good as last round.  Last round they said it was "excellent" and for some reason, both doctors said this.  I still wonder why both docs looked at my blood tests when I only see one of them?  Perhaps it's because I'm older so they were discussing how well Femara works in older women?? :)  Hah.  Who knows!  But hey, I'll take the "excellent" news any way I can.

If they call me with a similar rating tomorrow afternoon, I still have to wait another week or so to take the HcG test.  Our out-of-town trip is delaying how soon I can take the test but I hope to take it July 1.  What I don't get is why they are scheduling me for this.  I thought in the past they just told me to come in if and when my next cycle started to start the baseline ultrasound process all over.  I am nervous about that appointment.  Well, actually, I'm nervous about missing it!  We'll be getting in late the night prior so there's no wiggle room here.  I'd hate to miss it and have to wait until July 5 (with the holiday) to get in.  Of course, if things don't work this round, I'd probably find out on my own either through the urine home tests or if my cycle starts up at some point.

Where does that put me right now?  I really don't know.  I've been wondering how I would answer this question if someone out there reading my blog asked me how I feel--optimistic?  hopeful?  doubtful?  I just don't know.  I think I'm still very hopeful in general.  But I can't even begin to imagine it, you know?  It seems almost foreign to me.  And scary, very scary.  Because I know that even if I get a plus sign or two lines or a great blood test, I may not get a heartbeat.  Or my precious little one might only make it a short while.  It's a very difficult spot to be in mentally and emotionally.  And of course, I try not to think too far into the future about the "end"--that time when and if they tell me we've done everything possible, I'm out of options, etc. 

A season of growing.  Boy I really hope that this is MY season.  I really hope and pray that this is my time now to conceive again and to carry the child throughout a healthy pregnancy and delivery.  My boys can't wait to be big brothers.  They talk about it all the time.  Sammy even saw an infomercial for some organic baby food maker and told me we should get it for my baby.  I smile every time I see a baby and imagine me with a baby again.  My heart melts when I imagine my husband holding a baby--I know we'd both love a little girl--but would be equally happy with another little boy.  It takes a lot of work, time, money, patience and energy for sure.  But it's so worth it just knowing that we aren't giving up.  We are putting in everything we can to try to make it work. 

Okay, time to be honest. :)  I should have been packing tonight--not gardening!  Oh, I had a million indoor tasks to do!  We're going out of town for a major trip soon and I have nothing packed!!  Panic!!  So my flowers might have died in their little plastic holders while we were out of town.  So.  I should have been packing.  But, I didn't want to!!  I longed to be taking care of my flowers, to push them snug into the ground and help them grab ahold of the earth and to live!  It was a lot of work tonight, but so worth it.

This baby-making work on my journey is also worth it, I know.  I don't know what exactly will come of it, but the whole experience has opened my eyes to a world I truly never knew about.  I look at children and the "miracle of life" in a whole new way.  Really, I do.  I still treasure my little Jacob in Heaven and am so thankful we keep the memory of him alive on a regular basis.

So go little seeds go!  Grow all of you petunias and dahlias!  Come on blooms on you zinnias and whatever the other flower seed was that I planted!  Let's go pumpkins (yes, the boys asked for pumpkins--that ought to be interesting if those grow!) and peas, tomatoes, rosemary and corn!! :)  And of course, go baby seed go!!!  Make friends with little sperm and find a happy spot to settle in mommy's uterus!  You can do it baby!!!

And lastly---I must mention how much I've thought about my precious little Jacob in the past few days.  I saved out a few impatiens to plant in near the praying angel statue that came with the house.  I couldn't clear the weeds away fast enough.  The angel is praying and the bright pink flowers are right in front of her.  When I told my mom what I had done, my voice broke.  My baby deserves a memorial garden and I'm going to do what I can to make that happen this year.  The angel just looks so beautiful with the flowers with her.  This was the same angel I had never noticed until after Jacob passed away last October.

Monday, June 20--you would have turned 2 months old my sweet baby.   You couldn't grow so well here on earth but I know in Heaven you are totally healthy and oh, so happy!!  Won't you please send Mommy a little coo tonight in my dreams?  Oh how I would love to hear you coo!  I hope you enjoyed seeing Mommy play in the dirt today...someday we'll play in the dirt together.  I bet Heaven's dirt never stains!! 

May you all find your seasons of growing, my friends...growing in love, growing in energy, growing in health or relationships.  I really think we can learn from paying attention to the seasons of our lives.

Here's to our green thumbs this summer--and of course, to my dream for pink or blue ones. :)

Kim