Three years ago on October 1, I was happily pregnant with my third child. I had just announced our pregnancy, or was getting close to it, I can't remember the dates exactly. Old age, I guess. :)
The boys were thrilled to be big brothers. Alex and I wondered if we might have a little girl this time, but we felt that our sweet baby was probably a boy. I was shopping for a cute shirt to wear to my Tri Sigma Homecoming Event. I hadn't been back in years and looked forward to seeing all of my sisters again. The weather was just starting to turn--leaves, temperatures--yes, everything was lining up to be a beautiful fall.
And then came my 12.5 week in-depth ultrasound on October 21 where we learned of Jacob's "fatal diagnosis". He was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. And then the horrific news that no parent wants to hear hit us on October 25, 2010. Our baby's heart had stopped beating. Our son, whom we named Jacob Alexander, had died at exactly 13 weeks. It was a Monday.
What followed was a whirlwind of emotions. I felt tossed about in a storm that had taken me completely by surprise. Eventually and thankfully, the light shown again and I moved towards healing.
Three years later as I find myself drawn towards my Jacob and reflecting on what happened back then, I'm caught up in another storm. The weather is starting to turn. We can't wait to take the boys' outdoor fall photo shoot as I have every year since they were babies. We are lining up fall festivals to attend--one of our favorite pastimes in the fall! The boys can't wait for Halloween and keep changing their minds about what costumes they'll wear. And with October kicking off the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I'm excited to take this time to remember my sweet babies and to reach out to so many women who've lost too...through cards, supportive posts on facebook and prayer.
But there is this storm that I mentioned...this storm's winds are blurring everything that had been lining up to be yet another beautiful fall. I'm already fighting tears. And this one doesn't just affect me, it affects countless Americans. It is the Government Shutdown that just happened today.
Instead of seeing the colors of fall, right now the color I'm focused on mainly green...that is, cash. We have no idea if this shutdown, i.e. my husband's furlough, will last for several days, weeks, months? Will we get a paycheck next Friday? How much? Will he be paid retroactively? We don't know. No one knows.
So many unanswered questions remind me of how I felt three years ago...while these two storms are very different, in many ways they are the same. You are left struggling. You are left with so many questions---why? why did this have to happen? why me??? I remember asking the same thing when I lost Jacob. Why did we get pregnant if my eggs were so "old" that we were simply going to lose our precious child? How will I get through this? What do I do next?
Wow, I had no idea I'd be facing the same feelings three years later. I'm left wondering why our government can't "play nice"...why they continue to sacrifice us and so many families to prove their points...I'm left asking every "how" question in the book. How on EARTH will we get through this? How will we survive if money doesn't start coming back in? We just came off of the summer furlough...I mean, literally, we JUST CAME OFF of it. And now, this??
And lastly, what do I do next? My planning self wants to revamp our budget...trouble is, what do I budget? If there is potentially no money coming in, what do I budget? What? How? Why?
My friends, I wish so much that I had answers. I wish that I had them for me and for any one of you who are in a similar boat being tossed about right now. These storms suck. Yes, they just suck. I hate them.
But as I think back to the storm three years ago, I find myself holding on to one thing. I survived. I made it through. Somehow, with God's help, with His Steady Hand on my heart, I made it through. I found hope. I found joy. I found peace. I love remembering my Jacob. I love thinking about him. I love helping other baby loss moms now as they find themselves stumbling through this journey of loss.
I know God is with me. He is with my family during this storm. While I'm struggling with my planning self who desperately wants to find answers--to prepare for every 'what if' under the sun--I know I have to just give this all to God. I have to give Him every last piece of it.
Do I know how to do that? No. I will be honest. I don't. But I know it's what I am to do...somehow. I will keep praying. I will cry. I will know that my Father hears every pain in my heart. And that's enough. Somehow I know that's enough. I don't have to be perfect in my prayers. I don't have to quote the best Bible verses. I know He takes me as I am with all of my flaws and worried and with my over-dependency on myself...He takes me with all of my "what ifs" and panicking moments.
So tonight on Day 1 of the Government Shutdown I go to bed with those feelings on my heart. I want to close my eyes and drift into a peaceful sleep that only God can bring. I know He will guide our family through this storm. And, yes. October and all of the beautiful things in it aren't going anywhere. It is still a beautiful season that our family will enjoy as much as possible. It still will be full of candy corn, Kit Kats and Reese Cups. It will still be a chance for me to write about Jacob, to share his story and to remember all of those precious babies lost.
Tonight I pray for my blurry and weary eyes to be cleared so that I may see only the beauty this month. I want to see red and gold leaves. I want to see my children's faces erupt in laughter as they act out their Halloween costumed character (whoever they pick). I want to see Jacob's balloon launch high into the sky on his anniversary. And I trust God for the rest.
With much love for you my friends, however this month finds you...
Kim
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Showing posts with label Trisomy 13. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trisomy 13. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Thursday, October 20, 2011
One Year Ago--'A Mother's Journey' is created--October 21st--One Year Ago--"I'm Sorry" Changed My Life
Hi Friends. Well, so much for my great intentions with regards to my blog this month! :) What can I say? So many things I had planned for this month have changed as a result of unforeseen difficulties. I'm sure I'm not writing about anything new and we've all been there. I am sorry to those of you who have been checking my blog for updates, I really hadn't planned to be absent for so long. I hope you'll stay with me and forgive me for the delays!
The first thing I want to tell you is that I do plan to continue what I wanted to do on my blog this month into November. I have so many posts that I need to write about, more giveaways to do, etc. If there's one thing I've learned on this journey throughout the last year it's to allow myself to do what I need to do when I need to do it. If that means staying up late to write a blog post in order to express something that's on my heart, then I do it. If that means forgiving myself and allowing myself an "extension" so-to-speak for "Jacob's month" (October), well, then I am doing that now. There is so much in a journey like this that you simply cannot plan for. You never know when the grief may hit you harder...you never know when the struggle to conceive again may overwhelm you...you just never know.
Tonight though, I simply could not go to bed without writing. One year ago today was a pivotal day in my life. It was the day that this blog was born. As grateful as I am for the chance to write and to reach others, I'd give it all up if I could simply change one key thing from October 21, 2010. I would change the diagnosis of my sweet little baby to one of "everything is fine" rather than the two words every parent dreads hearing..."I'm sorry."
Where was I last year at this time? I remember being so excited to be nearing the end of my first trimester. I hate to complain but I'm human and I remember being cranky from time to time during those early months of my pregnancy (maybe I was cranky a lot, who knows!). If you've been keeping up with my blog since last year, you might remember me saying that everything stunk. Seriously! It did! I was so sensitive to smells. I could smell things that the average person couldn't. And, of course, every smell made me nauseous.
Last year at this time too I had just recently announced my pregnancy on Facebook and to family and friends. The congratulations were so joyous and I truly felt like everyone was sharing in our good news. I had even been lucky enough to have made it back to my school for Homecoming and to participate in a ceremony to dedicate my sorority's new house. I was so goofy back then. I knew I was showing a bit--guess I'll blame some of that on my previous two c-sections!--and wanted to find a cute top to wear when I saw my sisters--most that I hadn't seen in almost 20 years! I didn't want to look like I was wearing a tent, but wanted to wear something to show where I was still skinny and well, where I wasn't so skinny.
I picked out a new blue shirt and remember having a wonderful time that beautiful fall day and just 5 days prior to Oct. 21. Here is a photo from that very fun Saturday...a picture of me (wearing my blue shirt, little belly sticking out) with some of my dear sorority sisters. Those of us in the photo were some of our chapter's charter members who were able to attend. When did we colonize at Kent? Sometimes 1990 seems like just yesterday!
We were all so happy to see each other. I loved renewing old friendships and catching up. The day was so much fun--we all watched the Homecoming Parade, I showed Alex where I used to live, we had a great time touring our chapter's new home (seen behind us in picture above) and then we took the boys to tour the part of KSU where the May 4, 1970 shooting had occurred. I had never seen all of the tour spots as they were new to the school. It was such a beautiful fall day to spend on campus with the leaves turning gold and the black squirrels darting about.
And then. Everything beautiful about fall turned ugly just a few days later on Thursday, October 21. Here's just a sample from my very first blog post which I started that evening after my appointment at 12.5 weeks for an in-depth ultrasound:
With a sigh, he (the doctor) looked at me and started by saying, "We have some serious issues here. There are some severe problems." He went on to list things like: thickness behind the baby's neck, extra digits, a protrusion in the abdominal wall and a cleft lip. Never in my life could I have imagined hearing such things. He said that while we didn't know for 100% sure, chances were highly likely that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18, but he was pretty sure it was Trisomy 13.
Suddenly the the genetic counselor's information and diagrams came flashing back in my head. I was thinking, "Wait a minute, isn't Trisomy 13 the most rare of the chromosomal abnormalities that a baby can have?" People sometimes say that time stops when they receive horrible news. I wish I could say that time did stop. I'd give anything if it just would have stopped. It didn't. It just kept ticking on with each second, each minute getting more and more unbelievable and awful with what the doctor told me.
The doctor put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm very sorry." Again, more red flags went off in my head. It was almost like I had to pump him for the 'bottom line.' It was then that he told me that my baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term. It was difficult for me to form words at this point, but I asked, "So, are you saying I'm just waiting for my baby to die? That it's just a matter of when and how?" He said, "Yes."
I don't think any woman ever wants to use the words, 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence. It should be illegal. It was almost surreal as I used the words. The doctor said I would more than likely miscarry. Again, more shock. Don't the statistics say that once you see the baby's heartbeat, once you reach the end of the first trimester, you have something like a 95% chance that everything is good and that you won't miscarry? What good are statistics like that? Again, I asked, "So, I'm waiting for my baby to die? Is that what you're saying?"
My mind raced ahead through the next 6 mos. Trick-or-Treating is next weekend. My mom's birthday is this weekend. Thanksgiving. My husband out of town for various November weekends. Christmas. Do I just continue to live my life waiting for this awful thing to happen to me? It could happen at any time. How? How do I do that? How do you continue to get bigger, wear maternity clothes and at a time when you should be getting things ready for the baby, instead prepare yourself for your baby's death?? How? How do I do that?
If you'd like to read more about the start of my journey, please feel free to read the rest of the post from October 21, 2010 by clicking on that link in the sidebar.
How fast things change. Here I had just announced my pregnancy right before my trip home to school, I had just seen my sorority sisters who were full of congratulating hugs and I came back to what I thought would be a fresh start into my second trimester only instead to be forced into a journey that I never asked to take.
Who does ask to go on this journey? Not many people would, I don't think. While I didn't choose this journey for myself and my family, I would not change a thing that's happened in the last year. Well, obviously if I could have had Jacob live, that's an easy one--of course I would have done that. But, aside from that, I do not have any regrets. For whatever reasons, God chose me for this journey and I am taking it one day at a time. In the early days of losing Jacob or on some bad days, I take it one minute of a time. That's all I can do and so far it's worked. I have no idea what the "end" of this journey will look like or even if there is one.
I think one thing that's helped me make it through the past year since receiving Jacob's fatal diagnosis and then losing him has been to not fight this journey. As much as I would have loved to have denied what was happening, to hide from it or to lash out at it constantly, what good would it do me?
I think back to Oct. 21, 2010 when I was so blunt in telling Sammy that his baby brother was going to die. In his caring way, he had told me, "The baby will be okay, Mommy. Don't cry." I wouldn't have it. I told him, "No, honey. The baby is very sick and is going to die." Sometimes I cringe when I think about my response. How could I have been so insensitive to my sweetheart Sammy? But then other times when I think about it I know I did it because I had to. I had to face this journey head on if I was going to make it through. Even my mom was in utter shock when I called her with the news in the car. Again, she tried to provide the ever supportive, "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay." I remember yelling and crying, "No! No, he won't, Mom! He is going to die!" I needed everyone around me to know the truth. I needed them to share the truth with me. Only in sharing in the truth about sweet Jacob would I or would any of us make it through...and make it through together.
From that day on, everyone was concerned and supportive. Well, most everyone. We'll leave that lie for now. Even my loving Sammy offered me hugs to catch my tears. I knew he loved his little brother too and together our family shared in the uncertainty that came with that dreaded doctor visit and Jacob's fatal diagnosis.
Of course I prayed for the opposite. I prayed constantly that God would show all of these doctors with their stupid statistics. That God would save my baby--that he would be a miracle baby and would live to be born and to be kissed in his mommy's arms. I dreamt about it too. How much I wanted to show them all that they were wrong! Jacob would live and be an example of God's wondrous saving power and love!
I knew in my heart though that God had a plan. I just didn't know my part in that plan. Would his plan include my son living for a bit longer? Much longer? To be born? To only live for a few months into his first year? I had no idea. It was like I was setting sail into an unknown sea where there was a tumultuous wave everywhere I looked. How would I make it through? I had no idea.
But I had to try. For the sake of my family--for Alex, for Sammy, for Benny...even for Jacob--I had to try to make it through that storm. I had to be strong.
All I can say is from October 21 on I started thinking about all of this. I didn't have answers but I was going to get them as soon as I could in order to regain some sort of control because when I left the doctor's office last year, I felt like I was caught up in a whirling tornado that was thrashing all over the place. I had so many questions. Scenarios in my head. Fears. Tears. Anger. Sadness. And what did I leave the doctor's office with? Pamphlets? Support groups? Anything to help me make sense out of what had just happened?
Nothing. For the most part, I left that awful place with nothing. I left only with three ultrasound pictures that I had to ask the technician for over and over--I still think that she wasn't going to do them because of Jacob's fatal condition. Did she really think that I didn't care to have them after hearing the news??? I also left with stupid printout that the genetic counselor ran to get for me when she saw me come out of the ultrasound room. I remember asking her if she had anything about Trisomy 13 so I could begin to educate myself on what was happening to my son. She said no but that she'd find something. Do you know what she gave me? A one-page sheet which was a technical summary of Trisomy 13. It's all she could find. You are a genetic counselor who grills people on their genetic family history and you don't even have packets of information assembled to hand to patients when they need the information? I couldn't even understand what she gave me. That's what I walked out of there with. More questions than answers and certainly no help from the doctor's office. So I was going to get the answers myself.
One question that I've yet to find an answer to is about the "odds" in pregnancy. What are the chances for a miscarriage/stillbirth/etc. The "1 in 4" at times seems to be conflicting with so many things that you read. To this day I find myself HATING statistics. I will never forget how after I had sat through an hour-long meeting with a genetic counselor answering every question under the sun that she told me, "Don't worry about all of this. You have a 98% chance everything is fine." This was just prior to my ultrasound. Ninety-eight percent. That's pretty good, huh?
Really??? How is it that I fell in the 2%? I guess someone has to, right? Unless I'm the "1 in 4?" And then of all things for my precious little one to have, it's one of the most rare chromosomal abnormalities? Well. Let's just say when someone now quotes statistics about how rare things are, I frequently react with sarcasm.
So. It's officially one year since I received the horrible news that my precious son wasn't going to make it. One whole year. One year of tears, of sadness, of anger, of confusion, of questions...and also one year of discovery, of learning, of reaching out, of helping others...and lastly, one year of love and of hope. I love my son. I love Jacob so much. I will never stop loving him nor will I stop talking about him. He was a gift from God and I treasure him daily. I never regret that we got pregnant. I carried my son for 13 weeks and I now treasure every one of those weeks.
October 21, 2010? A day of horrible sadness for sure. But also a day that I CHOOSE to remember something else. I CHOOSE to remember Jacob when he was alive and showing his mommy that he was very much ALIVE during the ultrasound. I CHOOSE to remember those moments with a smile on my face. Jacob was kicking. He was squirming. He was punching. He was opening and closing his mouth to practice for when he would breathe someday. I loved every minute of that part of my ultrasound! How I wish I had a video of it! That was the last time that I saw my sweet little baby alive. But it's not the last time that I will see him, for I will see him again. And I will kiss every squirmy inch of him when I do.
Much of this year has been about choices. I have learned that I must choose how I will react to things. Sure, some days I will cry because that's all I can do. Crying is the only choice sometimes...like on the day you find out that your baby probably will not survive. That's what I did last October 21. I cried. I panicked. I yelled. I moped. But other days when I can make that choice, I choose to be grateful for my baby, for the 13 weeks that we had with him and for the opportunity to see him so clearly that day.
October 21, 2010. Where were you on that day? I was at the very beginning of my journey and one that is common to so many, unfortunately. It's not just my journey. It is "A Mother's Journey"...full of loss, full of love and full of hope.
Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, my friends.
With love to my sweet little Jacob--Mommy remembers seeing you on October 21! I know you wanted me to see you. You wanted me to watch every movement you made--to laugh, to cry because I loved watching you so much. You were here, my sweet baby. Mommy loved seeing you and always will dream of the day when I can hold you in my arms.
Kim
*Special thanks to Small Bird Studio for the beautiful graphic about strength!
The first thing I want to tell you is that I do plan to continue what I wanted to do on my blog this month into November. I have so many posts that I need to write about, more giveaways to do, etc. If there's one thing I've learned on this journey throughout the last year it's to allow myself to do what I need to do when I need to do it. If that means staying up late to write a blog post in order to express something that's on my heart, then I do it. If that means forgiving myself and allowing myself an "extension" so-to-speak for "Jacob's month" (October), well, then I am doing that now. There is so much in a journey like this that you simply cannot plan for. You never know when the grief may hit you harder...you never know when the struggle to conceive again may overwhelm you...you just never know.
Tonight though, I simply could not go to bed without writing. One year ago today was a pivotal day in my life. It was the day that this blog was born. As grateful as I am for the chance to write and to reach others, I'd give it all up if I could simply change one key thing from October 21, 2010. I would change the diagnosis of my sweet little baby to one of "everything is fine" rather than the two words every parent dreads hearing..."I'm sorry."
Where was I last year at this time? I remember being so excited to be nearing the end of my first trimester. I hate to complain but I'm human and I remember being cranky from time to time during those early months of my pregnancy (maybe I was cranky a lot, who knows!). If you've been keeping up with my blog since last year, you might remember me saying that everything stunk. Seriously! It did! I was so sensitive to smells. I could smell things that the average person couldn't. And, of course, every smell made me nauseous.
Last year at this time too I had just recently announced my pregnancy on Facebook and to family and friends. The congratulations were so joyous and I truly felt like everyone was sharing in our good news. I had even been lucky enough to have made it back to my school for Homecoming and to participate in a ceremony to dedicate my sorority's new house. I was so goofy back then. I knew I was showing a bit--guess I'll blame some of that on my previous two c-sections!--and wanted to find a cute top to wear when I saw my sisters--most that I hadn't seen in almost 20 years! I didn't want to look like I was wearing a tent, but wanted to wear something to show where I was still skinny and well, where I wasn't so skinny.
I picked out a new blue shirt and remember having a wonderful time that beautiful fall day and just 5 days prior to Oct. 21. Here is a photo from that very fun Saturday...a picture of me (wearing my blue shirt, little belly sticking out) with some of my dear sorority sisters. Those of us in the photo were some of our chapter's charter members who were able to attend. When did we colonize at Kent? Sometimes 1990 seems like just yesterday!
We were all so happy to see each other. I loved renewing old friendships and catching up. The day was so much fun--we all watched the Homecoming Parade, I showed Alex where I used to live, we had a great time touring our chapter's new home (seen behind us in picture above) and then we took the boys to tour the part of KSU where the May 4, 1970 shooting had occurred. I had never seen all of the tour spots as they were new to the school. It was such a beautiful fall day to spend on campus with the leaves turning gold and the black squirrels darting about.
And then. Everything beautiful about fall turned ugly just a few days later on Thursday, October 21. Here's just a sample from my very first blog post which I started that evening after my appointment at 12.5 weeks for an in-depth ultrasound:
With a sigh, he (the doctor) looked at me and started by saying, "We have some serious issues here. There are some severe problems." He went on to list things like: thickness behind the baby's neck, extra digits, a protrusion in the abdominal wall and a cleft lip. Never in my life could I have imagined hearing such things. He said that while we didn't know for 100% sure, chances were highly likely that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18, but he was pretty sure it was Trisomy 13.
Suddenly the the genetic counselor's information and diagrams came flashing back in my head. I was thinking, "Wait a minute, isn't Trisomy 13 the most rare of the chromosomal abnormalities that a baby can have?" People sometimes say that time stops when they receive horrible news. I wish I could say that time did stop. I'd give anything if it just would have stopped. It didn't. It just kept ticking on with each second, each minute getting more and more unbelievable and awful with what the doctor told me.
The doctor put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm very sorry." Again, more red flags went off in my head. It was almost like I had to pump him for the 'bottom line.' It was then that he told me that my baby had an 80% chance of not making it to term. It was difficult for me to form words at this point, but I asked, "So, are you saying I'm just waiting for my baby to die? That it's just a matter of when and how?" He said, "Yes."
I don't think any woman ever wants to use the words, 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence. It should be illegal. It was almost surreal as I used the words. The doctor said I would more than likely miscarry. Again, more shock. Don't the statistics say that once you see the baby's heartbeat, once you reach the end of the first trimester, you have something like a 95% chance that everything is good and that you won't miscarry? What good are statistics like that? Again, I asked, "So, I'm waiting for my baby to die? Is that what you're saying?"
My mind raced ahead through the next 6 mos. Trick-or-Treating is next weekend. My mom's birthday is this weekend. Thanksgiving. My husband out of town for various November weekends. Christmas. Do I just continue to live my life waiting for this awful thing to happen to me? It could happen at any time. How? How do I do that? How do you continue to get bigger, wear maternity clothes and at a time when you should be getting things ready for the baby, instead prepare yourself for your baby's death?? How? How do I do that?
If you'd like to read more about the start of my journey, please feel free to read the rest of the post from October 21, 2010 by clicking on that link in the sidebar.
How fast things change. Here I had just announced my pregnancy right before my trip home to school, I had just seen my sorority sisters who were full of congratulating hugs and I came back to what I thought would be a fresh start into my second trimester only instead to be forced into a journey that I never asked to take.
Who does ask to go on this journey? Not many people would, I don't think. While I didn't choose this journey for myself and my family, I would not change a thing that's happened in the last year. Well, obviously if I could have had Jacob live, that's an easy one--of course I would have done that. But, aside from that, I do not have any regrets. For whatever reasons, God chose me for this journey and I am taking it one day at a time. In the early days of losing Jacob or on some bad days, I take it one minute of a time. That's all I can do and so far it's worked. I have no idea what the "end" of this journey will look like or even if there is one.
I think one thing that's helped me make it through the past year since receiving Jacob's fatal diagnosis and then losing him has been to not fight this journey. As much as I would have loved to have denied what was happening, to hide from it or to lash out at it constantly, what good would it do me?
I think back to Oct. 21, 2010 when I was so blunt in telling Sammy that his baby brother was going to die. In his caring way, he had told me, "The baby will be okay, Mommy. Don't cry." I wouldn't have it. I told him, "No, honey. The baby is very sick and is going to die." Sometimes I cringe when I think about my response. How could I have been so insensitive to my sweetheart Sammy? But then other times when I think about it I know I did it because I had to. I had to face this journey head on if I was going to make it through. Even my mom was in utter shock when I called her with the news in the car. Again, she tried to provide the ever supportive, "Well, I'm sure he'll be okay." I remember yelling and crying, "No! No, he won't, Mom! He is going to die!" I needed everyone around me to know the truth. I needed them to share the truth with me. Only in sharing in the truth about sweet Jacob would I or would any of us make it through...and make it through together.
From that day on, everyone was concerned and supportive. Well, most everyone. We'll leave that lie for now. Even my loving Sammy offered me hugs to catch my tears. I knew he loved his little brother too and together our family shared in the uncertainty that came with that dreaded doctor visit and Jacob's fatal diagnosis.
Of course I prayed for the opposite. I prayed constantly that God would show all of these doctors with their stupid statistics. That God would save my baby--that he would be a miracle baby and would live to be born and to be kissed in his mommy's arms. I dreamt about it too. How much I wanted to show them all that they were wrong! Jacob would live and be an example of God's wondrous saving power and love!
I knew in my heart though that God had a plan. I just didn't know my part in that plan. Would his plan include my son living for a bit longer? Much longer? To be born? To only live for a few months into his first year? I had no idea. It was like I was setting sail into an unknown sea where there was a tumultuous wave everywhere I looked. How would I make it through? I had no idea.
But I had to try. For the sake of my family--for Alex, for Sammy, for Benny...even for Jacob--I had to try to make it through that storm. I had to be strong.
I tried to start planning for all of the "hows" and "what ifs" that very day. Do we go out of town for my mom's birthday? How do we celebrate mom's birthday with my brother and sister-in-law who also just announced they were pregnant? What happens if the baby dies while Alex is out of town? What if the baby makes it past 20 weeks only to die shortly after? Will I have a c-section? Will I be able to have more children? What if he made it to be born only to die immediately after he took his first breath? What if he only makes it a few days or weeks? How would I cope? How? How? How?
All I can say is from October 21 on I started thinking about all of this. I didn't have answers but I was going to get them as soon as I could in order to regain some sort of control because when I left the doctor's office last year, I felt like I was caught up in a whirling tornado that was thrashing all over the place. I had so many questions. Scenarios in my head. Fears. Tears. Anger. Sadness. And what did I leave the doctor's office with? Pamphlets? Support groups? Anything to help me make sense out of what had just happened?
Nothing. For the most part, I left that awful place with nothing. I left only with three ultrasound pictures that I had to ask the technician for over and over--I still think that she wasn't going to do them because of Jacob's fatal condition. Did she really think that I didn't care to have them after hearing the news??? I also left with stupid printout that the genetic counselor ran to get for me when she saw me come out of the ultrasound room. I remember asking her if she had anything about Trisomy 13 so I could begin to educate myself on what was happening to my son. She said no but that she'd find something. Do you know what she gave me? A one-page sheet which was a technical summary of Trisomy 13. It's all she could find. You are a genetic counselor who grills people on their genetic family history and you don't even have packets of information assembled to hand to patients when they need the information? I couldn't even understand what she gave me. That's what I walked out of there with. More questions than answers and certainly no help from the doctor's office. So I was going to get the answers myself.
One question that I've yet to find an answer to is about the "odds" in pregnancy. What are the chances for a miscarriage/stillbirth/etc. The "1 in 4" at times seems to be conflicting with so many things that you read. To this day I find myself HATING statistics. I will never forget how after I had sat through an hour-long meeting with a genetic counselor answering every question under the sun that she told me, "Don't worry about all of this. You have a 98% chance everything is fine." This was just prior to my ultrasound. Ninety-eight percent. That's pretty good, huh?
Really??? How is it that I fell in the 2%? I guess someone has to, right? Unless I'm the "1 in 4?" And then of all things for my precious little one to have, it's one of the most rare chromosomal abnormalities? Well. Let's just say when someone now quotes statistics about how rare things are, I frequently react with sarcasm.
So. It's officially one year since I received the horrible news that my precious son wasn't going to make it. One whole year. One year of tears, of sadness, of anger, of confusion, of questions...and also one year of discovery, of learning, of reaching out, of helping others...and lastly, one year of love and of hope. I love my son. I love Jacob so much. I will never stop loving him nor will I stop talking about him. He was a gift from God and I treasure him daily. I never regret that we got pregnant. I carried my son for 13 weeks and I now treasure every one of those weeks.
October 21, 2010? A day of horrible sadness for sure. But also a day that I CHOOSE to remember something else. I CHOOSE to remember Jacob when he was alive and showing his mommy that he was very much ALIVE during the ultrasound. I CHOOSE to remember those moments with a smile on my face. Jacob was kicking. He was squirming. He was punching. He was opening and closing his mouth to practice for when he would breathe someday. I loved every minute of that part of my ultrasound! How I wish I had a video of it! That was the last time that I saw my sweet little baby alive. But it's not the last time that I will see him, for I will see him again. And I will kiss every squirmy inch of him when I do.
Much of this year has been about choices. I have learned that I must choose how I will react to things. Sure, some days I will cry because that's all I can do. Crying is the only choice sometimes...like on the day you find out that your baby probably will not survive. That's what I did last October 21. I cried. I panicked. I yelled. I moped. But other days when I can make that choice, I choose to be grateful for my baby, for the 13 weeks that we had with him and for the opportunity to see him so clearly that day.
October 21, 2010. Where were you on that day? I was at the very beginning of my journey and one that is common to so many, unfortunately. It's not just my journey. It is "A Mother's Journey"...full of loss, full of love and full of hope.
Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, my friends.
With love to my sweet little Jacob--Mommy remembers seeing you on October 21! I know you wanted me to see you. You wanted me to watch every movement you made--to laugh, to cry because I loved watching you so much. You were here, my sweet baby. Mommy loved seeing you and always will dream of the day when I can hold you in my arms.
Kim
*Special thanks to Small Bird Studio for the beautiful graphic about strength!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Is My Faith Strong Enough?
You know, I wanted to write a week ago. Right after the 4th of July I was beaming with joy. Not at being pregnant unfortunately, but because of the wonderful time I had with my family on the holiday. There were just so many joyful moments that day. I was full of love for my boys and am so very thankful for them. I had so much I wanted to write in my blog but didn't get to the computer as quickly as I would have liked. Recently then, my mood has shifted again...no, I'm not NOT thankful for my boys--I am and always will be. It's just that I don't feel all peppy and hopeful enough to write the post I had planned. Been feeling frustrated lately.
So forgive me for the tone of this post, I guess I have to write about the good and the bad, the optimistic and the doubtful...I know the more inspirational stuff will be back. I just need to get this out of my system because I hate feeling like this.
Why the frustration? I'm sure you can guess. Well, for one, finding out I had those cysts which are preventing treatment this month was a downer for sure. I just hate how they keep telling me that "we can't afford to waste any opportunity" but then they tell me I have cysts so can't do treatment this month but that "it's very normal when taking fertility drugs." Talk about pressure. I tell you it's a wonder I don't hear an old-fashioned alarm clock literally ticking out loud...following me with every "tick tick tick" and then those bells on top...at some point I know they will go off--"BRRRIIINNNGG!" You know how the alarm sound (digital or old-fashioned) can send your heart flipping sometimes? That's how I feel. Like I'm waiting for the alarm to go off signalling that my chances at another baby are over. Done. Gone. Serious biological clock ticking away.
If the cysts weren't enough to spike my frustration, the negative ovulation tests are. Now, I don't know if I ovulated early or perhaps if I just missed it with my random testing. Who knows. I just have a bad feeling that I'm not anywhere in the game this month. The RE had told me that some couples do conceive in "off months" because the medicines had helped the eggs to mature in quality so that did give me hope. But if I'm not even seeing a positive on my ovulation predictor, where's the hope in that??? My nurse had told me not to bother with the tests this month, just to time intercourse appropriately. Did she tell me that because she knew my chances were slim and she wanted me to save the $25 this month? That's what I'm thinking. I don't know, maybe I would have rather them told me to not even try this month because I'd have a .00000001 chance instead of 5% or whatever my normal percentages are. So frustrating.
As a result, I just haven't felt that in to it this month. I think that's why I may have started testing too late. I also haven't been testing totally regularly either--you're supposed to test at the same time every day and preferably in the mornings. I've tested whenever I thought about it. Each time a big hollow circle stares at me from the digital screen. No happy face this month--on the read out screen or on me.
It's almost like I don't even care to try. I mean, I want to and I'm still trudging through it but I keep hearing, "Why bother?" in my head. Of course, time with my husband is nice but I know it's not achieving anything in the baby area so why sacrifice sleep on some of these nights? We could just skip it and wait until we're on vacation or something. Why even try now?
Additionally I haven't called my RE yet to ask all of the "what if" questions about my next cycle and the timing of potential treatments. I think I mentioned in my previous post that we're going to be out of town sometime at the start of my next cycle. That's just great. This would prevent me from making it in to the office for the ultrasound (obviously) and hence, cancel any treatment for that month...again.
I've been agonizing over what to do. Could I ask my husband to bow out of this work trip? Yeah, I guess I could. And his boss might allow it, although I kind of doubt it. But, this is a once a year trip and a pretty important one at that in our nation's capital. It's just not the best thing to try to back out of. I've looked at the dates backwards and forwards and analyzed the times my period may start until I gave myself a headache that one night sitting at my dining room table. My calendar was there and I kept looking at the dates...trying to guess when the next show would start. It comes down to a slim window of when my period may or may not start and trying to make an appointment before we leave for D.C. I keep joking that my luck my period will show up an hour after we're on the road. Talk about depressing.
I just don't know what to do about the whole D.C. thing. Trying to put off making the decision about the appointment and subsequent departure city (long story) until the last minute. And it's coming up on me fast. Tick, tick, tick.
I think my worries are that I'm losing time faster than fast. Since I may not be ovulating on my own this month, is that just due to the cysts or perhaps the oncoming menopause?? I do know that cysts can supposedly interfere with ovulation and that's one of the reasons they don't give you medicines during that time. I'd love it if that's why I may not have ovulated this month. I hope that's it and not that I'm taking big strides towards the "end." Just makes me sick to even think about.
Of course I know I simply need to call and pummel a nurse with all of my fears and questions. I just didn't have the desire to do it last week and didn't have the energy today. I'm going to force myself to make the call tomorrow.
I have to make that call and one more. I have to call to find out how MUCH all of the next round of treatment will cost, provided I can be here for it. I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty. I know again it's just a simple call to the pharmacy company that researches and handles it for you but I'm just not looking forward to the answer I may get.
Fear of the unknown. Yup, that's me in a nutshell. I'm totally panicked at what might be out there---what if I can't afford the meds for this month? Let alone next month? What if I can't make the appointment this month? Will I still have an opportunity next time?? How much longer can I try??
Yesterday I made it to church despite having a short night of choppy sleep. I've been trying to go more regularly...that's another story for another post. Anyway, something the pastor spoke about hit home with me. The sermon was based on Matthew 13:3, "And He (Jesus) told them many things in parables, saying: 'Listen! A sower went out to sow.'" You may remember the story--depending on where the seeds fell affected how well they grew. Seeds that fell into thorns were choked out, etc. Jesus went on to make his point in the story and explained that only the person who hears the word and understands it will be like the seeds that fell on good soil.
I wonder where I am? Do I really understand God's word the way I should? I'm not talking about the facts--dates, places, and such but rather the message that God wants us to get out of His word. How we come to Him in times of trouble. How we are supposed to give everything to Him.
I know my faith isn't as strong as I'd love it to be, I can't deny that. I don't question God in Jacob's death..I know it was for a reason. He had Trisomy 13, yes, but I believe God has a plan for everything--even Jacob's short time here in his mommy's belly. Was his death to bring me closer to God? Was God calling me back because I hadn't been going to church regularly? Oh yes, I pray regularly and I read lots of religious books. I belong to a Christian Writing Group here in Ohio and also in Texas. I started writing devotionals a few years go. But church? I have to admit that life had gotten in the way of what I grew up doing and did for years and years--going to church regularly every Sunday.
I know I've needed God more in my life and am thankful that I'm taking steps to make that happen. Even going to church more regularly is helping. I can feel it.
I can imagine that there are a ton of reasons that God had for what happened to my baby. I would never be able to guess them all and that's okay because no matter what I'm thankful that I carried Jacob for those 13 weeks. I love my baby so much. He continues to be a part of our lives and I am so happy about that.
There are so many things that I'm thankful for since losing Jacob. I'm grateful for the healing that I've felt since losing my precious little baby. It still hits me hard some times but I'm really trying to turn my grief into something good--I'm trying to find ways to help others, to connect with other Baby Loss Moms and to never take anything or anyone for granted.
I thank God that I've been able to grow so much from Jacob's passing. My Christmas stories about Jacob's death won and were printed all over the country and even in Canada. I still am so amazed that my words reached others during the holiday season and hope they were inspired by my story of hope. As you know, I've also been blogging and trying to make sense out of this crazy journey that I'm on and I'm grateful for the opportunity to write as often as I have. I'm also so very thankful that my writing has touched others. Thank you for sharing that with me when my posts do hit you in some way! Your comments and support means more to me than you'll ever know!
So, to sum it up, I'm still trying to have another baby. I'm still on this journey. But I feel so shaky...like maybe I'm the rocky soil or the bad dirt that was mentioned in Jesus' parable yesterday and that this baby won't take root because I'm not strong enough in my faith. Does this make sense? I feel like I can't get my words right tonight. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing? Should we just give up? If we give up, then that's telling God that we're done, right? How can He help us if we don't take the steps to let Him help us??
Yeah, I know of the saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I had a dear friend tell me recently that God might just put a young woman in our paths who has a baby for us to adopt. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Yes, I'd love to have my own baby but I'd be just as happy adopting one. There's only one problem with this--we just wouldn't have the money. Plain and simple. So that's that.
To me I see my options as 1--keep trying until I've exhausted everything I can or until I run out of time and hit menopause or 2--give up now and "move on." I've said before that I wish God would just write it in the sky or something--"Here's what Kim is supposed to do about the baby thing..." I keep hoping that I'm reading the "signs" right. We make it to our appointments when we've come in late from out of town. I have a new RE working with me to up the medications and to be more aggressive. So far I've come up with the funds I've needed. Stuff like that. I figure that these are all good things, right? Or despite these things, am I to just give up and stop trying?
I ask again, is my faith strong enough? I know in the end what will be, will be. I'll have to find a way to deal with it--to get through it--to 'move on' if that's what it comes to. I don't look forward to it if that's what's coming, I can be honest. But...where does faith play in to all of this? Am I to have faith that things will work out somehow, someway and that we should just keep trying? Isn't the Bible full of stories of people who didn't understand the whys and whens but they kept holding on to faith anyway?
I was flipping through a book the other day that talked about that very thing. All through the Bible, people were told of Jesus' coming. They just didn't know when. They waited. They waited some more. They waited a whole lot more. And then, finally, He came. They had to keep believing. I think faith is kind of a key to everything...faith in Jesus brings us salvation. Believing. Holding on. Trusting.
Remember Abraham, was it?? The man who found out he'd have as many descendants as the stars? I don't know why but that story has popped up so many times in books and devotionals that I've read. I would love to think that it's trying to tell me something or teach me something, I don't know. Abraham and his wife were past childbearing age and hadn't thought it possible, but then...a baby. More importantly--they trusted God. They believed Him. They had faith.
All I can do is to pray again tonight and every night that God speaks to me, that He quiets the clamor and fear and distrust in my mind and helps me to focus on Him. I know I can get in the way so often. I'm the queen of worry warts, the one who tries to work so hard to plan, plan and plan some more. I know I need to get out of the way and trust God completely in this. If I can just be quiet, I hope I will be able to hear Him more clearly.
Sorry if this post has you wondering why I'm all over the place...I know what I'm trying to say but struggling to explain it. I am desperately holding on to hope that things will work out for the best, whatever that means. I'm also desperately holding on to hope that anything is possible and that we can have another baby if God wants us to. I'm just struggling with how to balance both of those views of hope. Wow. I think that's it in a nut shell. Wow.
Looking for silence tonight my friends, silence and of course, God's calming voice to lead me to where He wants me to go.
Wishing for all of you quiet moments to pray, to reflect, to love or to simply pause in your life...
Kim :)
So forgive me for the tone of this post, I guess I have to write about the good and the bad, the optimistic and the doubtful...I know the more inspirational stuff will be back. I just need to get this out of my system because I hate feeling like this.
Why the frustration? I'm sure you can guess. Well, for one, finding out I had those cysts which are preventing treatment this month was a downer for sure. I just hate how they keep telling me that "we can't afford to waste any opportunity" but then they tell me I have cysts so can't do treatment this month but that "it's very normal when taking fertility drugs." Talk about pressure. I tell you it's a wonder I don't hear an old-fashioned alarm clock literally ticking out loud...following me with every "tick tick tick" and then those bells on top...at some point I know they will go off--"BRRRIIINNNGG!" You know how the alarm sound (digital or old-fashioned) can send your heart flipping sometimes? That's how I feel. Like I'm waiting for the alarm to go off signalling that my chances at another baby are over. Done. Gone. Serious biological clock ticking away.
If the cysts weren't enough to spike my frustration, the negative ovulation tests are. Now, I don't know if I ovulated early or perhaps if I just missed it with my random testing. Who knows. I just have a bad feeling that I'm not anywhere in the game this month. The RE had told me that some couples do conceive in "off months" because the medicines had helped the eggs to mature in quality so that did give me hope. But if I'm not even seeing a positive on my ovulation predictor, where's the hope in that??? My nurse had told me not to bother with the tests this month, just to time intercourse appropriately. Did she tell me that because she knew my chances were slim and she wanted me to save the $25 this month? That's what I'm thinking. I don't know, maybe I would have rather them told me to not even try this month because I'd have a .00000001 chance instead of 5% or whatever my normal percentages are. So frustrating.
As a result, I just haven't felt that in to it this month. I think that's why I may have started testing too late. I also haven't been testing totally regularly either--you're supposed to test at the same time every day and preferably in the mornings. I've tested whenever I thought about it. Each time a big hollow circle stares at me from the digital screen. No happy face this month--on the read out screen or on me.
It's almost like I don't even care to try. I mean, I want to and I'm still trudging through it but I keep hearing, "Why bother?" in my head. Of course, time with my husband is nice but I know it's not achieving anything in the baby area so why sacrifice sleep on some of these nights? We could just skip it and wait until we're on vacation or something. Why even try now?
Additionally I haven't called my RE yet to ask all of the "what if" questions about my next cycle and the timing of potential treatments. I think I mentioned in my previous post that we're going to be out of town sometime at the start of my next cycle. That's just great. This would prevent me from making it in to the office for the ultrasound (obviously) and hence, cancel any treatment for that month...again.
I've been agonizing over what to do. Could I ask my husband to bow out of this work trip? Yeah, I guess I could. And his boss might allow it, although I kind of doubt it. But, this is a once a year trip and a pretty important one at that in our nation's capital. It's just not the best thing to try to back out of. I've looked at the dates backwards and forwards and analyzed the times my period may start until I gave myself a headache that one night sitting at my dining room table. My calendar was there and I kept looking at the dates...trying to guess when the next show would start. It comes down to a slim window of when my period may or may not start and trying to make an appointment before we leave for D.C. I keep joking that my luck my period will show up an hour after we're on the road. Talk about depressing.
I just don't know what to do about the whole D.C. thing. Trying to put off making the decision about the appointment and subsequent departure city (long story) until the last minute. And it's coming up on me fast. Tick, tick, tick.
I think my worries are that I'm losing time faster than fast. Since I may not be ovulating on my own this month, is that just due to the cysts or perhaps the oncoming menopause?? I do know that cysts can supposedly interfere with ovulation and that's one of the reasons they don't give you medicines during that time. I'd love it if that's why I may not have ovulated this month. I hope that's it and not that I'm taking big strides towards the "end." Just makes me sick to even think about.
Of course I know I simply need to call and pummel a nurse with all of my fears and questions. I just didn't have the desire to do it last week and didn't have the energy today. I'm going to force myself to make the call tomorrow.
I have to make that call and one more. I have to call to find out how MUCH all of the next round of treatment will cost, provided I can be here for it. I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty. I know again it's just a simple call to the pharmacy company that researches and handles it for you but I'm just not looking forward to the answer I may get.
Fear of the unknown. Yup, that's me in a nutshell. I'm totally panicked at what might be out there---what if I can't afford the meds for this month? Let alone next month? What if I can't make the appointment this month? Will I still have an opportunity next time?? How much longer can I try??
Yesterday I made it to church despite having a short night of choppy sleep. I've been trying to go more regularly...that's another story for another post. Anyway, something the pastor spoke about hit home with me. The sermon was based on Matthew 13:3, "And He (Jesus) told them many things in parables, saying: 'Listen! A sower went out to sow.'" You may remember the story--depending on where the seeds fell affected how well they grew. Seeds that fell into thorns were choked out, etc. Jesus went on to make his point in the story and explained that only the person who hears the word and understands it will be like the seeds that fell on good soil.
I wonder where I am? Do I really understand God's word the way I should? I'm not talking about the facts--dates, places, and such but rather the message that God wants us to get out of His word. How we come to Him in times of trouble. How we are supposed to give everything to Him.
I know my faith isn't as strong as I'd love it to be, I can't deny that. I don't question God in Jacob's death..I know it was for a reason. He had Trisomy 13, yes, but I believe God has a plan for everything--even Jacob's short time here in his mommy's belly. Was his death to bring me closer to God? Was God calling me back because I hadn't been going to church regularly? Oh yes, I pray regularly and I read lots of religious books. I belong to a Christian Writing Group here in Ohio and also in Texas. I started writing devotionals a few years go. But church? I have to admit that life had gotten in the way of what I grew up doing and did for years and years--going to church regularly every Sunday.
I know I've needed God more in my life and am thankful that I'm taking steps to make that happen. Even going to church more regularly is helping. I can feel it.
I can imagine that there are a ton of reasons that God had for what happened to my baby. I would never be able to guess them all and that's okay because no matter what I'm thankful that I carried Jacob for those 13 weeks. I love my baby so much. He continues to be a part of our lives and I am so happy about that.
There are so many things that I'm thankful for since losing Jacob. I'm grateful for the healing that I've felt since losing my precious little baby. It still hits me hard some times but I'm really trying to turn my grief into something good--I'm trying to find ways to help others, to connect with other Baby Loss Moms and to never take anything or anyone for granted.
I thank God that I've been able to grow so much from Jacob's passing. My Christmas stories about Jacob's death won and were printed all over the country and even in Canada. I still am so amazed that my words reached others during the holiday season and hope they were inspired by my story of hope. As you know, I've also been blogging and trying to make sense out of this crazy journey that I'm on and I'm grateful for the opportunity to write as often as I have. I'm also so very thankful that my writing has touched others. Thank you for sharing that with me when my posts do hit you in some way! Your comments and support means more to me than you'll ever know!
So, to sum it up, I'm still trying to have another baby. I'm still on this journey. But I feel so shaky...like maybe I'm the rocky soil or the bad dirt that was mentioned in Jesus' parable yesterday and that this baby won't take root because I'm not strong enough in my faith. Does this make sense? I feel like I can't get my words right tonight. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing? Should we just give up? If we give up, then that's telling God that we're done, right? How can He help us if we don't take the steps to let Him help us??
Yeah, I know of the saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I had a dear friend tell me recently that God might just put a young woman in our paths who has a baby for us to adopt. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Yes, I'd love to have my own baby but I'd be just as happy adopting one. There's only one problem with this--we just wouldn't have the money. Plain and simple. So that's that.
To me I see my options as 1--keep trying until I've exhausted everything I can or until I run out of time and hit menopause or 2--give up now and "move on." I've said before that I wish God would just write it in the sky or something--"Here's what Kim is supposed to do about the baby thing..." I keep hoping that I'm reading the "signs" right. We make it to our appointments when we've come in late from out of town. I have a new RE working with me to up the medications and to be more aggressive. So far I've come up with the funds I've needed. Stuff like that. I figure that these are all good things, right? Or despite these things, am I to just give up and stop trying?
I ask again, is my faith strong enough? I know in the end what will be, will be. I'll have to find a way to deal with it--to get through it--to 'move on' if that's what it comes to. I don't look forward to it if that's what's coming, I can be honest. But...where does faith play in to all of this? Am I to have faith that things will work out somehow, someway and that we should just keep trying? Isn't the Bible full of stories of people who didn't understand the whys and whens but they kept holding on to faith anyway?
I was flipping through a book the other day that talked about that very thing. All through the Bible, people were told of Jesus' coming. They just didn't know when. They waited. They waited some more. They waited a whole lot more. And then, finally, He came. They had to keep believing. I think faith is kind of a key to everything...faith in Jesus brings us salvation. Believing. Holding on. Trusting.
Remember Abraham, was it?? The man who found out he'd have as many descendants as the stars? I don't know why but that story has popped up so many times in books and devotionals that I've read. I would love to think that it's trying to tell me something or teach me something, I don't know. Abraham and his wife were past childbearing age and hadn't thought it possible, but then...a baby. More importantly--they trusted God. They believed Him. They had faith.
All I can do is to pray again tonight and every night that God speaks to me, that He quiets the clamor and fear and distrust in my mind and helps me to focus on Him. I know I can get in the way so often. I'm the queen of worry warts, the one who tries to work so hard to plan, plan and plan some more. I know I need to get out of the way and trust God completely in this. If I can just be quiet, I hope I will be able to hear Him more clearly.
Sorry if this post has you wondering why I'm all over the place...I know what I'm trying to say but struggling to explain it. I am desperately holding on to hope that things will work out for the best, whatever that means. I'm also desperately holding on to hope that anything is possible and that we can have another baby if God wants us to. I'm just struggling with how to balance both of those views of hope. Wow. I think that's it in a nut shell. Wow.
Looking for silence tonight my friends, silence and of course, God's calming voice to lead me to where He wants me to go.
Wishing for all of you quiet moments to pray, to reflect, to love or to simply pause in your life...
Kim :)
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