Three years ago on October 1, I was happily pregnant with my third child. I had just announced our pregnancy, or was getting close to it, I can't remember the dates exactly. Old age, I guess. :)
The boys were thrilled to be big brothers. Alex and I wondered if we might have a little girl this time, but we felt that our sweet baby was probably a boy. I was shopping for a cute shirt to wear to my Tri Sigma Homecoming Event. I hadn't been back in years and looked forward to seeing all of my sisters again. The weather was just starting to turn--leaves, temperatures--yes, everything was lining up to be a beautiful fall.
And then came my 12.5 week in-depth ultrasound on October 21 where we learned of Jacob's "fatal diagnosis". He was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. And then the horrific news that no parent wants to hear hit us on October 25, 2010. Our baby's heart had stopped beating. Our son, whom we named Jacob Alexander, had died at exactly 13 weeks. It was a Monday.
What followed was a whirlwind of emotions. I felt tossed about in a storm that had taken me completely by surprise. Eventually and thankfully, the light shown again and I moved towards healing.
Three years later as I find myself drawn towards my Jacob and reflecting on what happened back then, I'm caught up in another storm. The weather is starting to turn. We can't wait to take the boys' outdoor fall photo shoot as I have every year since they were babies. We are lining up fall festivals to attend--one of our favorite pastimes in the fall! The boys can't wait for Halloween and keep changing their minds about what costumes they'll wear. And with October kicking off the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I'm excited to take this time to remember my sweet babies and to reach out to so many women who've lost too...through cards, supportive posts on facebook and prayer.
But there is this storm that I mentioned...this storm's winds are blurring everything that had been lining up to be yet another beautiful fall. I'm already fighting tears. And this one doesn't just affect me, it affects countless Americans. It is the Government Shutdown that just happened today.
Instead of seeing the colors of fall, right now the color I'm focused on mainly green...that is, cash. We have no idea if this shutdown, i.e. my husband's furlough, will last for several days, weeks, months? Will we get a paycheck next Friday? How much? Will he be paid retroactively? We don't know. No one knows.
So many unanswered questions remind me of how I felt three years ago...while these two storms are very different, in many ways they are the same. You are left struggling. You are left with so many questions---why? why did this have to happen? why me??? I remember asking the same thing when I lost Jacob. Why did we get pregnant if my eggs were so "old" that we were simply going to lose our precious child? How will I get through this? What do I do next?
Wow, I had no idea I'd be facing the same feelings three years later. I'm left wondering why our government can't "play nice"...why they continue to sacrifice us and so many families to prove their points...I'm left asking every "how" question in the book. How on EARTH will we get through this? How will we survive if money doesn't start coming back in? We just came off of the summer furlough...I mean, literally, we JUST CAME OFF of it. And now, this??
And lastly, what do I do next? My planning self wants to revamp our budget...trouble is, what do I budget? If there is potentially no money coming in, what do I budget? What? How? Why?
My friends, I wish so much that I had answers. I wish that I had them for me and for any one of you who are in a similar boat being tossed about right now. These storms suck. Yes, they just suck. I hate them.
But as I think back to the storm three years ago, I find myself holding on to one thing. I survived. I made it through. Somehow, with God's help, with His Steady Hand on my heart, I made it through. I found hope. I found joy. I found peace. I love remembering my Jacob. I love thinking about him. I love helping other baby loss moms now as they find themselves stumbling through this journey of loss.
I know God is with me. He is with my family during this storm. While I'm struggling with my planning self who desperately wants to find answers--to prepare for every 'what if' under the sun--I know I have to just give this all to God. I have to give Him every last piece of it.
Do I know how to do that? No. I will be honest. I don't. But I know it's what I am to do...somehow. I will keep praying. I will cry. I will know that my Father hears every pain in my heart. And that's enough. Somehow I know that's enough. I don't have to be perfect in my prayers. I don't have to quote the best Bible verses. I know He takes me as I am with all of my flaws and worried and with my over-dependency on myself...He takes me with all of my "what ifs" and panicking moments.
So tonight on Day 1 of the Government Shutdown I go to bed with those feelings on my heart. I want to close my eyes and drift into a peaceful sleep that only God can bring. I know He will guide our family through this storm. And, yes. October and all of the beautiful things in it aren't going anywhere. It is still a beautiful season that our family will enjoy as much as possible. It still will be full of candy corn, Kit Kats and Reese Cups. It will still be a chance for me to write about Jacob, to share his story and to remember all of those precious babies lost.
Tonight I pray for my blurry and weary eyes to be cleared so that I may see only the beauty this month. I want to see red and gold leaves. I want to see my children's faces erupt in laughter as they act out their Halloween costumed character (whoever they pick). I want to see Jacob's balloon launch high into the sky on his anniversary. And I trust God for the rest.
With much love for you my friends, however this month finds you...
Kim
Heart
Mommy's heart for Baby Jacob
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, October 3, 2011
HEAL - A Walk to Remember...A Time of Shared Tears
October is finally here! For those of you who are familiar with the significance of this month, you may have already been planning your activities to remember your precious baby. For those of you who are new to the baby loss world, the month of October is a very special month for baby loss families. In 1988 President Ronald Reagan made October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Day. The entire month of October is a time for us to reflect on our journey through loss and grief and a time to honor and remember all babies gone too soon. I look forward to sharing this special time of year with you.
For me October has extra special meaning. This is the month one year ago that we received Jacob's fatal diagnosis. It is is also the month that we lost him to Trisomy 13.
I plan on celebrating my love for my baby all month long and I hope you'll share in this journey with me...parts of it might be painful as we look back to where all of this began, and on the difficult times...but then other parts of it will be joyful as we see how far I've come--as far as so many mothers come who have endured this grief. I will also be sharing how much I've learned and how much love I still have for my son. I'd like to think that most of my blog this month will be joyful as that's all I feel for my son--joy and love--no regrets. The last year was definitely not something I planned, but it is something that I have grown from and something that I thank God for.
I hope you'll keep up with my blog this month and if you're not a follower, please add me! I will be unveiling a new blog look later in the month (so excited for that!) and I will be sharing some of the baby remembrance events that I am participating in and coordinating as well. If you are participating in baby remembrance events of your own, I'd love to hear about them and to share some of them here. Please leave a comment so I can reach you.
Because this month is so special to me, I also will be having some giveaways throughout the month. These are just a small way for me to thank you -- each of you for taking the time to read my blog, to follow it and for offering your supportive comments, thoughts and prayers throughout this past year. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. Look for my blog posts to be approximately 3-4 times per week during the month of October. Giveaways will be sprinkled throughout the month so keep an eye out! The very first one will be on Thursday, October 6 and will be a copy of Richard Paul Evan's book, The Christmas Box (read below for why I chose this book). If you don't have this book, it's a very inspirational read! Even if you have the book, consider entering anyway as it would make a great gift. Please just post a comment below this post to enter! I will randomly draw one name on Thursday at 11:30 PM EST.
I couldn't have asked for a more special way to kick off this month of remembrance. We participated in the HEAL Walk to Remember Sunday afternoon and this was our very first remembrance event to attend for Jacob. HEAL stands for Helping Endure A Loss and is sponsored by the Atrium Medical Center in Middletown, OH.
While the Walk to Remember was very emotional for all of us who attended, there was also much beauty and love blooming in the Children's Memorial Garden yesterday. You could feel it all around you. I have included several pictures of the event below and I hope you can feel the beauty that I saw and felt too. Even if you never lost a child, I think there is something that makes us all stronger by sharing in a remembrance ceremony like this.
We got to the Atrium Medical Center at about 1:40 PM on Sunday. I was feeling very anxious. While I was really excited to be doing this for my baby and with my family, I also felt nervous about arriving to the walk on time and getting signed in. The walk was to begin promptly at 2:00 PM and I was worried that we might arrive late, not get a balloon or other memento items. I know it sounds silly, but those things were important to me.
Once we found the event (after being on the wrong side of town) I dashed up to the event sign-in while Alex got the boys and stroller out of the car. I had plenty of time, of course, but still wanted to make sure I made it through all of the stations to do and get what I needed to.
The first station: Welcome
I am so proud to say that HEAL put on an amazing and wonderfully organized event. I know how much planning these events can take and you could tell from the very first step that you took into the event area of the parking lot that they didn't leave any details out. The first table you went to was clearly labeled, "Welcome". Here I received a beautiful program. I had no idea there would be that much structure so felt even more excited at what was to come in the ceremony. The women at this table directed me to the next table to get name tags.
The second station: Name tags
Well, here is where I lost it. A dark-haired woman wearing a beautiful baby photo button instructed me to fill out a name tag with Jacob's name and to wear it on my coat so everyone could see my son's name. I don't know if it was seeing her baby or perhaps just writing Jacob's name on a light blue name tag with a butterfly on it, but somehow right at that moment I couldn't speak. It was the type of tears that suddenly come out of nowhere to choke you while you talk.
I think I spit out that there were four of us so as the lady counted out four name tags in blue and green colors (since Jacob was a boy), I looked up at her and said, "I'm sorry. I was doing fine until I got here." I don't know...was it that she was so kind to get all blue and one green name tags since that's what I originally requested? Something so small and seemingly insignificant brought me to tears. Seeing Jacob's name followed by the heart that I drew on it, knowing that everyone would see my precious baby's name on our coats...well, I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. It was as if they had a mind of their own.
The lady took my hand and said, "It's okay. That's what we are here for today." I don't remember what else she said but she gave me two extra packs of Kleenex from a basket, our orange and yellow, "Free to fly" bracelets, and purple buttons with the same logo. I quickly scooped up my items and went to the next station.
Because my nametag wouldn't stick to my coat, I wore Jacob close to my heart...
The third station: Backpacks
Again, who would have known we would be given so much stuff today? Here I picked up a black and orange backpack with the HEAL and Walk to Remember logos. I didn't look inside right then but found handouts later that talked about their support groups as well as a Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony for our babies in December...oh, and more Kleenex!
The fourth station: Butterflies
I think I was still weepy at this point. I couldn't say anything to the women working behind the tables. The wind was blowing, gentle music played on a loudspeaker, and here I was writing with love and pride, "Jacob Alexander Villalva" on a lavender butterfly while tears continued to force themselves from my eyes. I love to write Jacob's name.
I think all of the women working this event knew what the mood might be. No one pushed you to talk, no one forced you to laugh or smile...there just seemed to be an invisible support net that you felt caught in from the moment you entered the registration area of the parking lot. Here was a safe place to be yourself and to let your emotions out if and whenever you needed to.
I looked towards the car and saw my hubby taking his time getting the boys extra coats and hats and then the stroller so I kept making my way through everything. It was starting to get more crowded as 2:00 approached.
The fifth station: Kids.
Wow. I cannot believe that this organization cared so much to plan goodie bags for kids! They were beyond generous! They had bags for kids 3 and under and 4 and up. Each bag was full of little toys, a pinwheel and animal crackers. It was so sweet to see that butterflies were a common toy item--butterflies are symbolic in the baby loss community and I thought it was so touching that they included this symbol for our children. Kids were also given rocks with butterflies on them--I took two and was told I could have the boys place them in the Memorial Garden or I could take them home. Well, no doubt about that! These rocks were coming home with me! I am going to have Sammy and Benny decorate each of them around the butterfly and then date it for this year. Can't wait to do that special craft with them.
The sixth station: Balloons.
Big purple and orange balloons with alternating colored ribbon were provided for our balloon release...and you didn't just get a balloon. You got to write your sweet baby's name on a card marked, "Precious Child". More tears. Yes, I kind of assumed that I would cry today but I didn't think they would give me so many opportunities and so early in the event! :) At this point though, I never know when it will hit me. My emotions are right there it seems, just waiting for a moment to escape. And of course, this month is probably just a tad extra heavy on emotions due to Jacob's angelversary approaching so I guess I need to be ready for it.
I fought the wind to tie Jacob's card, marked "Jacob--Mommy loves you!", onto the balloon ribbon. Once I secured my card to the ribbon, I wrapped the ribbon around my fingers tightly so it wouldn't blow away. Again, it probably sounds silly, but I felt that I just couldn't lose my balloon. Even when Alex brought Sam back from the bathroom (you probably could have guessed that!), and we were looping the other 3 balloons on to the stroller, I had a death grip on all 4 strings. The wind was pulling so hard and every once in awhile you'd see a balloon fly away. It wasn't long before I felt my left hand cramping but I didn't mind, as long as I didn't lose my balloons.
Our Walk to Remember...Jacob
Finally it was time to start our walk. I gave Alex my camera since my left hand was busy with the balloons. He did a great job capturing the setting and us starting our walk. We started in the middle of the group so had a lot of open space around us. Then we caught up to the mass of people ahead of us, while another large clump trailed slowly behind us. I didn't realize it until I saw the photo below, but I guess my emotions were quite easy to read just by looking at me.
We walked along a sidewalk that lined the curvy road. To our right was the hospital. To our left was a field, woods...simply nature. It was a beautiful walk with the blue sky above and green around us. It was only a 1/4 of a mile walk so it went pretty quick. We didn't say much on this walk. I don't think I could have talked if I had to.
As we walked up the hill, I saw an event photographer take our picture. I wondered what we said to him as we approached...what stories did our faces tell? Could he see a mother's loss and longing to hold her son? Could he see innocence on the boys'? Could he see a quiet uncertainty on my husband's?
We came to the Children's Memorial Garden and found a spot on the grass since the circular bricked area in the middle was already full. Alex guessed that there were probably about 200 people there. Two hundred people came to remember their children on this cold, blustery day. I saw grandparents looking like children themselves as they held the brightly colored balloons. I saw little kids posing by memorial plates for their lost brother or sister. I saw young couples--childless and clinging to each other. I saw people like us. Some families wore shirts to honor their loving children. Others wore photo buttons. All of us proudly wore our baby's name tags. I wished I would have had time to ask about each name that I saw. I'm sure everyone would have shared a beautiful story about their child.
The Ceremony
The coordinator opened with a few comments about how we were all connected on this journey through grief. We are a family. Last year when Jacob died, I would have never thought that I would be joining another family and yet...I have. We have. We belong to the baby loss community now. We are forever a part of this very special group of people who have lost a child...a child gone too soon.
The coordinator then prepared to read the list of names from the butterflies that we filled out earlier. She spoke lovingly of her son, Mark, who passed away 19 years ago. "Even though it's been 19 years, my heart still leaps with joy when someone says Mark's name out loud. I will never hear his name at a football game. Or at his graduation." I will write more about this in a later blog post, but for those of you who have not lost a child, hearing your child's name said aloud is a treasure that long echoes in our ears and our hearts.
As she read each name from the pastel butterflies, another volunteer stapled them to the orange ribbons that were blowing on a wreath. When Sammy heard the name, 'Jacob', he said, "Mommy, that's Jacob!" I said that that was a Jacob...but not our Jacob yet. I counted one family had lost 5 babies. A couple lost 4. Some lost three and many lost 2. My heart breaks for them. One volunteer we met later had three baby girl names on her name tag. She told me there were triplets and she lost them at 20 weeks and only had minutes with them alive. She now has twins. :)
Finally our Jacob's name was read and our last name mispronounced. :) Alex and I just smiled at each other.
After the reading of the names, it was time to let the tears flow once more. A soloist sang the song, "Precious Child" by Karen Taylor-Good and I don't think I was the only one wiping my face. This song has been one of my favorite songs since I found this community. If you have never heard the words to this song, or if you are in the mood for a good cry, click on the link at the very bottom of this post and watch the video. The words speak so gently to your heart.
The Balloon Release
After the song, we were instructed to walk up to the next garden in more of a clearing so the balloons would launch more freely and not get caught in trees. A few had already popped or blown off but HEAL was so prepared that they had volunteers with more balloons so you wouldn't feel left out.
We made our way to the inner part of the garden circle this time and stood on the bricks. Alex worked on untangling our balloons and I kept hoping my loose one wouldn't blow off that close to our release. We untangled mine first. Then Sammy's. Then his and Benny's which had twisted together.
The song, "Somewhere Out There" was played and everyone turned slowly around to face the outside of the circle towards the open sky--almost as if on cue. As I turned, I saw the balloons going into the air from behind me. The wind took each one of them up into the open sky, far from any trees or buildings. I felt the string that I had held so tightly around my fingers loosen...and I let Jacob's balloon fly away to join those of his angel friends. I was so happy to catch a picture of it--it's the orange one in the middle of the picture, (closest to the camera) and you can see the tag hanging from it. :)
Sammy let his go (the orange one in the bottom right corner of the picture above) and finally Alex and Benny. Again, I was able to get a picture of their late release as their purple balloons followed the rest of the already far into the sky. Not only could I hear the timeless melody still playing, and cameras clicking, but also sniffles from all around. We all watched the orange and purple balloons dot the clouds in the beautiful blue sky and dance in the breeze. They all flew off in the same direction--together.
I heard a sniffle to my right--it was Alex. My dear, sweet husband who for so long has held his emotion in, let it out freely during the balloon release. We leaned on each other which of course made me sob some more. I longed for my baby to bundle up in the cold. I wished he was riding in the stroller with a cute little blankie wrapped around him tight. I know I haven't talked a lot about my husband's way of dealing with grief in this past year but have truly respected how we have shared our grief together and yet in very different ways. Seeing him moved that much during the balloon release...well, it's hard to hold it together when you see your husband cry. I was so grateful that he could spending time with his son in this way. For just those few moments, everything stopped around us--schedules slowed down, there was nothing else for either of us to do but to mourn, remember and love our baby.
I blew several kisses to Jacob, waved and gave him my "heart". Sammy and Daddy gave Jacob hearts and we then made our way back to the Children's Garden for pictures.
It's hard to explain the emotion that you see and feel at an event like this. Tears? Sure. Many eyes were red and many cheeks were streaked with eye liner. Many sunglasses hid the depths of pain their owners felt. Many words go unspoken but a hug can between two moms can capture it all--just like the woman at the name tag table who took my hand earlier. I couldn't say much, but looking into her eyes through my hazy tear-filled ones, I knew she knew and felt what I felt. That was enough.
But back in the garden after the balloon release, there were also feelings of love and hope that were shared amongst all of us. I think everyone felt a little bit lighter. No pun intended referring to the balloons, but it's as if the balloons lifted some of our sorrow and let it fly free and far away from our souls. Our love soared to our children and then, I think our grief went too. I think many of us felt a sense of peace settle in after being part of such a beautiful ceremony. Families took pictures of their child's marker or of their kids placing the butterfly rocks in the garden. Others photographed the wreath of names like we were about to do.
I went up to the wreath and remembered that Jacob's butterfly was lavender. Something about the softness of that color spoke to me today and so I wrote on that one instead of looking for a blue one. Because the wind was so strong, it was difficult to pin down the ribbons and to see some of the names which were twisting all around. I'm smiling as I write this because you know what? The very first lavender butterfly I flipped around was my Jacob's. :) There is some significance here and I had a similar event happen years ago when I lost my grandparents' graves in the snow. But, that's another story.
I held his butterfly in my hands and kissed it, just as if I would have held and kissed him had he been alive today.
Alex and I sat next to Jacob's butterfly...together. There was just something so special to me about sharing these moments with my husband. I was also so grateful that we didn't rush our time there. We took our time looking at the memorials, the baby angel statues and the Angel of Hope statue which graces the center of the garden. I didn't know it until today but the Angel of Hope statue came out of a plea from parents nation-wide after reading Richard Paul Evans' A Christmas Box book several years ago. There are 90 Angel of Hope statues across the country and that Evans finally commissioned. We are lucky to have one here!
Below are just a few of the other baby stones that I loved.
We walked back along the curvy road and I too one more picture of the crowd who remained to enjoy the Children's Garden.
When we reached the parking lot, I saw that only one table remained now. All of the brightly colored balloons were gone. All of the families with their baby's names on their coats had left. The event was over. I think many of us came today with heavy feelings of sorrow on our hearts. I know I was looking forward to this day but I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotion that hit me when I got there. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. But I think we left a part of our grief there...it went high up into the clouds with our balloons. Will there be more grief and tears in the future? Yep, most definitely. Does this journey ever have an end where you don't feel some level of sadness? No, I don't think so. I have learned that this journey will continue until I reach my Jacob someday in Heaven and all along it I will face days of great joy and others of sorrow that will pop out at me when I am least expecting it. Some tears I will be happy to shed and others I won't.
No matter what, I am clinging to one thing on this journey. It's what's gotten me this far in the last year and what I know I will need as I walk on my journey...hope. Looking forward to spending this month with you, to sharing our tears, our joy, and of course, our hope.
With love to my precious Jacob...
Kim :)
Don't forget to check out the link to "Precious Child" and to post a comment for the book!
Here is the link to "Precious Child"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo&feature=feedf
For me October has extra special meaning. This is the month one year ago that we received Jacob's fatal diagnosis. It is is also the month that we lost him to Trisomy 13.
I plan on celebrating my love for my baby all month long and I hope you'll share in this journey with me...parts of it might be painful as we look back to where all of this began, and on the difficult times...but then other parts of it will be joyful as we see how far I've come--as far as so many mothers come who have endured this grief. I will also be sharing how much I've learned and how much love I still have for my son. I'd like to think that most of my blog this month will be joyful as that's all I feel for my son--joy and love--no regrets. The last year was definitely not something I planned, but it is something that I have grown from and something that I thank God for.
I hope you'll keep up with my blog this month and if you're not a follower, please add me! I will be unveiling a new blog look later in the month (so excited for that!) and I will be sharing some of the baby remembrance events that I am participating in and coordinating as well. If you are participating in baby remembrance events of your own, I'd love to hear about them and to share some of them here. Please leave a comment so I can reach you.
Because this month is so special to me, I also will be having some giveaways throughout the month. These are just a small way for me to thank you -- each of you for taking the time to read my blog, to follow it and for offering your supportive comments, thoughts and prayers throughout this past year. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. Look for my blog posts to be approximately 3-4 times per week during the month of October. Giveaways will be sprinkled throughout the month so keep an eye out! The very first one will be on Thursday, October 6 and will be a copy of Richard Paul Evan's book, The Christmas Box (read below for why I chose this book). If you don't have this book, it's a very inspirational read! Even if you have the book, consider entering anyway as it would make a great gift. Please just post a comment below this post to enter! I will randomly draw one name on Thursday at 11:30 PM EST.
I couldn't have asked for a more special way to kick off this month of remembrance. We participated in the HEAL Walk to Remember Sunday afternoon and this was our very first remembrance event to attend for Jacob. HEAL stands for Helping Endure A Loss and is sponsored by the Atrium Medical Center in Middletown, OH.
While the Walk to Remember was very emotional for all of us who attended, there was also much beauty and love blooming in the Children's Memorial Garden yesterday. You could feel it all around you. I have included several pictures of the event below and I hope you can feel the beauty that I saw and felt too. Even if you never lost a child, I think there is something that makes us all stronger by sharing in a remembrance ceremony like this.
We got to the Atrium Medical Center at about 1:40 PM on Sunday. I was feeling very anxious. While I was really excited to be doing this for my baby and with my family, I also felt nervous about arriving to the walk on time and getting signed in. The walk was to begin promptly at 2:00 PM and I was worried that we might arrive late, not get a balloon or other memento items. I know it sounds silly, but those things were important to me.
Once we found the event (after being on the wrong side of town) I dashed up to the event sign-in while Alex got the boys and stroller out of the car. I had plenty of time, of course, but still wanted to make sure I made it through all of the stations to do and get what I needed to.
I am so proud to say that HEAL put on an amazing and wonderfully organized event. I know how much planning these events can take and you could tell from the very first step that you took into the event area of the parking lot that they didn't leave any details out. The first table you went to was clearly labeled, "Welcome". Here I received a beautiful program. I had no idea there would be that much structure so felt even more excited at what was to come in the ceremony. The women at this table directed me to the next table to get name tags.
The second station: Name tags
Well, here is where I lost it. A dark-haired woman wearing a beautiful baby photo button instructed me to fill out a name tag with Jacob's name and to wear it on my coat so everyone could see my son's name. I don't know if it was seeing her baby or perhaps just writing Jacob's name on a light blue name tag with a butterfly on it, but somehow right at that moment I couldn't speak. It was the type of tears that suddenly come out of nowhere to choke you while you talk.
I think I spit out that there were four of us so as the lady counted out four name tags in blue and green colors (since Jacob was a boy), I looked up at her and said, "I'm sorry. I was doing fine until I got here." I don't know...was it that she was so kind to get all blue and one green name tags since that's what I originally requested? Something so small and seemingly insignificant brought me to tears. Seeing Jacob's name followed by the heart that I drew on it, knowing that everyone would see my precious baby's name on our coats...well, I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. It was as if they had a mind of their own.
The lady took my hand and said, "It's okay. That's what we are here for today." I don't remember what else she said but she gave me two extra packs of Kleenex from a basket, our orange and yellow, "Free to fly" bracelets, and purple buttons with the same logo. I quickly scooped up my items and went to the next station.
Because my nametag wouldn't stick to my coat, I wore Jacob close to my heart...
The third station: Backpacks
Again, who would have known we would be given so much stuff today? Here I picked up a black and orange backpack with the HEAL and Walk to Remember logos. I didn't look inside right then but found handouts later that talked about their support groups as well as a Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony for our babies in December...oh, and more Kleenex!
The fourth station: Butterflies
I think I was still weepy at this point. I couldn't say anything to the women working behind the tables. The wind was blowing, gentle music played on a loudspeaker, and here I was writing with love and pride, "Jacob Alexander Villalva" on a lavender butterfly while tears continued to force themselves from my eyes. I love to write Jacob's name.
I think all of the women working this event knew what the mood might be. No one pushed you to talk, no one forced you to laugh or smile...there just seemed to be an invisible support net that you felt caught in from the moment you entered the registration area of the parking lot. Here was a safe place to be yourself and to let your emotions out if and whenever you needed to.
I looked towards the car and saw my hubby taking his time getting the boys extra coats and hats and then the stroller so I kept making my way through everything. It was starting to get more crowded as 2:00 approached.
The fifth station: Kids.
Wow. I cannot believe that this organization cared so much to plan goodie bags for kids! They were beyond generous! They had bags for kids 3 and under and 4 and up. Each bag was full of little toys, a pinwheel and animal crackers. It was so sweet to see that butterflies were a common toy item--butterflies are symbolic in the baby loss community and I thought it was so touching that they included this symbol for our children. Kids were also given rocks with butterflies on them--I took two and was told I could have the boys place them in the Memorial Garden or I could take them home. Well, no doubt about that! These rocks were coming home with me! I am going to have Sammy and Benny decorate each of them around the butterfly and then date it for this year. Can't wait to do that special craft with them.
The sixth station: Balloons.
Big purple and orange balloons with alternating colored ribbon were provided for our balloon release...and you didn't just get a balloon. You got to write your sweet baby's name on a card marked, "Precious Child". More tears. Yes, I kind of assumed that I would cry today but I didn't think they would give me so many opportunities and so early in the event! :) At this point though, I never know when it will hit me. My emotions are right there it seems, just waiting for a moment to escape. And of course, this month is probably just a tad extra heavy on emotions due to Jacob's angelversary approaching so I guess I need to be ready for it.
I fought the wind to tie Jacob's card, marked "Jacob--Mommy loves you!", onto the balloon ribbon. Once I secured my card to the ribbon, I wrapped the ribbon around my fingers tightly so it wouldn't blow away. Again, it probably sounds silly, but I felt that I just couldn't lose my balloon. Even when Alex brought Sam back from the bathroom (you probably could have guessed that!), and we were looping the other 3 balloons on to the stroller, I had a death grip on all 4 strings. The wind was pulling so hard and every once in awhile you'd see a balloon fly away. It wasn't long before I felt my left hand cramping but I didn't mind, as long as I didn't lose my balloons.
Our Walk to Remember...Jacob
Finally it was time to start our walk. I gave Alex my camera since my left hand was busy with the balloons. He did a great job capturing the setting and us starting our walk. We started in the middle of the group so had a lot of open space around us. Then we caught up to the mass of people ahead of us, while another large clump trailed slowly behind us. I didn't realize it until I saw the photo below, but I guess my emotions were quite easy to read just by looking at me.
As we walked up the hill, I saw an event photographer take our picture. I wondered what we said to him as we approached...what stories did our faces tell? Could he see a mother's loss and longing to hold her son? Could he see innocence on the boys'? Could he see a quiet uncertainty on my husband's?
We came to the Children's Memorial Garden and found a spot on the grass since the circular bricked area in the middle was already full. Alex guessed that there were probably about 200 people there. Two hundred people came to remember their children on this cold, blustery day. I saw grandparents looking like children themselves as they held the brightly colored balloons. I saw little kids posing by memorial plates for their lost brother or sister. I saw young couples--childless and clinging to each other. I saw people like us. Some families wore shirts to honor their loving children. Others wore photo buttons. All of us proudly wore our baby's name tags. I wished I would have had time to ask about each name that I saw. I'm sure everyone would have shared a beautiful story about their child.
The Ceremony
The coordinator opened with a few comments about how we were all connected on this journey through grief. We are a family. Last year when Jacob died, I would have never thought that I would be joining another family and yet...I have. We have. We belong to the baby loss community now. We are forever a part of this very special group of people who have lost a child...a child gone too soon.
The coordinator then prepared to read the list of names from the butterflies that we filled out earlier. She spoke lovingly of her son, Mark, who passed away 19 years ago. "Even though it's been 19 years, my heart still leaps with joy when someone says Mark's name out loud. I will never hear his name at a football game. Or at his graduation." I will write more about this in a later blog post, but for those of you who have not lost a child, hearing your child's name said aloud is a treasure that long echoes in our ears and our hearts.
As she read each name from the pastel butterflies, another volunteer stapled them to the orange ribbons that were blowing on a wreath. When Sammy heard the name, 'Jacob', he said, "Mommy, that's Jacob!" I said that that was a Jacob...but not our Jacob yet. I counted one family had lost 5 babies. A couple lost 4. Some lost three and many lost 2. My heart breaks for them. One volunteer we met later had three baby girl names on her name tag. She told me there were triplets and she lost them at 20 weeks and only had minutes with them alive. She now has twins. :)
Finally our Jacob's name was read and our last name mispronounced. :) Alex and I just smiled at each other.
After the reading of the names, it was time to let the tears flow once more. A soloist sang the song, "Precious Child" by Karen Taylor-Good and I don't think I was the only one wiping my face. This song has been one of my favorite songs since I found this community. If you have never heard the words to this song, or if you are in the mood for a good cry, click on the link at the very bottom of this post and watch the video. The words speak so gently to your heart.
The Balloon Release
After the song, we were instructed to walk up to the next garden in more of a clearing so the balloons would launch more freely and not get caught in trees. A few had already popped or blown off but HEAL was so prepared that they had volunteers with more balloons so you wouldn't feel left out.
We made our way to the inner part of the garden circle this time and stood on the bricks. Alex worked on untangling our balloons and I kept hoping my loose one wouldn't blow off that close to our release. We untangled mine first. Then Sammy's. Then his and Benny's which had twisted together.
The song, "Somewhere Out There" was played and everyone turned slowly around to face the outside of the circle towards the open sky--almost as if on cue. As I turned, I saw the balloons going into the air from behind me. The wind took each one of them up into the open sky, far from any trees or buildings. I felt the string that I had held so tightly around my fingers loosen...and I let Jacob's balloon fly away to join those of his angel friends. I was so happy to catch a picture of it--it's the orange one in the middle of the picture, (closest to the camera) and you can see the tag hanging from it. :)
Sammy let his go (the orange one in the bottom right corner of the picture above) and finally Alex and Benny. Again, I was able to get a picture of their late release as their purple balloons followed the rest of the already far into the sky. Not only could I hear the timeless melody still playing, and cameras clicking, but also sniffles from all around. We all watched the orange and purple balloons dot the clouds in the beautiful blue sky and dance in the breeze. They all flew off in the same direction--together.
I heard a sniffle to my right--it was Alex. My dear, sweet husband who for so long has held his emotion in, let it out freely during the balloon release. We leaned on each other which of course made me sob some more. I longed for my baby to bundle up in the cold. I wished he was riding in the stroller with a cute little blankie wrapped around him tight. I know I haven't talked a lot about my husband's way of dealing with grief in this past year but have truly respected how we have shared our grief together and yet in very different ways. Seeing him moved that much during the balloon release...well, it's hard to hold it together when you see your husband cry. I was so grateful that he could spending time with his son in this way. For just those few moments, everything stopped around us--schedules slowed down, there was nothing else for either of us to do but to mourn, remember and love our baby.
I blew several kisses to Jacob, waved and gave him my "heart". Sammy and Daddy gave Jacob hearts and we then made our way back to the Children's Garden for pictures.
It's hard to explain the emotion that you see and feel at an event like this. Tears? Sure. Many eyes were red and many cheeks were streaked with eye liner. Many sunglasses hid the depths of pain their owners felt. Many words go unspoken but a hug can between two moms can capture it all--just like the woman at the name tag table who took my hand earlier. I couldn't say much, but looking into her eyes through my hazy tear-filled ones, I knew she knew and felt what I felt. That was enough.
But back in the garden after the balloon release, there were also feelings of love and hope that were shared amongst all of us. I think everyone felt a little bit lighter. No pun intended referring to the balloons, but it's as if the balloons lifted some of our sorrow and let it fly free and far away from our souls. Our love soared to our children and then, I think our grief went too. I think many of us felt a sense of peace settle in after being part of such a beautiful ceremony. Families took pictures of their child's marker or of their kids placing the butterfly rocks in the garden. Others photographed the wreath of names like we were about to do.
I went up to the wreath and remembered that Jacob's butterfly was lavender. Something about the softness of that color spoke to me today and so I wrote on that one instead of looking for a blue one. Because the wind was so strong, it was difficult to pin down the ribbons and to see some of the names which were twisting all around. I'm smiling as I write this because you know what? The very first lavender butterfly I flipped around was my Jacob's. :) There is some significance here and I had a similar event happen years ago when I lost my grandparents' graves in the snow. But, that's another story.
I held his butterfly in my hands and kissed it, just as if I would have held and kissed him had he been alive today.
We walked back along the curvy road and I too one more picture of the crowd who remained to enjoy the Children's Garden.
No matter what, I am clinging to one thing on this journey. It's what's gotten me this far in the last year and what I know I will need as I walk on my journey...hope. Looking forward to spending this month with you, to sharing our tears, our joy, and of course, our hope.
With love to my precious Jacob...
Kim :)
Don't forget to check out the link to "Precious Child" and to post a comment for the book!
Here is the link to "Precious Child"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo&feature=feedf
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Hug Him Once for Me...a Beautiful Video and a Miracle
I had planned to do so much more tonight...I'm behind on my blog, I have the month of October to keep prepping for--so much to do to remember my sweet little Jacob as well as all babies lost.
Well, I'll keep this quick. I found a video tonight that had me sobbing. I hadn't cried this hard since the night of my D&C when I found the beautifully written, "Still", by Gerritt Hofsnik (too late to look up spelling, sorry if I got his name wrong). His song captured my tragic feelings of loss so wonderfully nearly one year ago.
Oh, I cry a lot at the beautiful babyloss videos out there...kinda hard not to. But this one, wow. This one really had me in gut-wrenching sobs every time that I watched it--you know, the kind that shake your whole body? Thankfully, I don't have that type very often.
What is this song that moved me in so many ways? Please check out the link below. The song is called, "Hug Him For Me Now" and the song is by Erica McClure.
I miss my Jacob so much. I'm sure it's the anxiety of his one-year angelversary building. The words to this song are beyond beautiful--they reveal every emotion that I've felt for my son...all of the sorrow, the dreams and the joy at seeing him again some day.
The joy...yes, you read that right. Oh, the scene in the video when that part is sung had me holding my arms open wide! Whenever my time comes to go to our Heavenly Home, you can bet I'll be running with my arms open wide first to our Lord and Savior who brought me to everlasting peace and then to my sweet little angel, Jacob. What a sweet embrace that will be!
Thank you, Lord, for being with me on every step of this journey. Even tonight, I believe God was here with me in my study while I was finding this video. Want to hear of a miracle? Well, it's close enough for me.
I stumbled on this video through a babyloss page on Facebook. It hooked me and I loved it. I tried to save it to my favorites on YouTube. I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't save. Then, I realized that somehow I was logged out. My husband! ARGH! He must have logged me out at some point--usually I just stay logged in and don't frequent YouTube so don't think about it much.
Well, wouldn't you know I couldn't remember my password. I tried everything. I probably tried TOO many things. I was locked out! I then tried everything I could to reset my password but for some reason it just wouldn't do it. I searched all through help. Finally and at this point in a very agitated state, I found a link to email someone with my question.
By this time I had remembered my password. Duh, how could I have forgotten it?? And of course, YouTube still had me locked out. I also now realized that I use the same information for my blog and started to panic. What if they reset my password but somehow it still wouldn't work? What if my blog was messed up and I couldn't get in to that? Not now! Oh, please not this close to Jacob's one year angelversary! I need my blog and am going to need it so much in this next month, especially.
I wrote the tech people and tried to clearly explain my dilemma--please unlock my account but don't reset my password. I sent the email to who knows where and kept checking for a response but got nothing.
You can imagine my mood. I went from highly emotional in a sad and missing my baby way to angry at the computer to scared that my blog would be ruined. Talk about a rollercoaster that I wasn't planning on riding tonight.
I quickly went back to the video and shared it with one of my facebook babyloss groups. It's so beautiful that I had to share it somewhere. I hopped around for a bit more, scanning other posts and decided I needed to go to bed. I felt drained and unmotivated. I felt sad and just wanted to crawl into bed and hug Jacob's giraffe.
Then. I clicked on the link one more time for one final good cry before bed...and somehow I ended up on YouTube with my USERNAME LOGGED IN! I sat here dumbfounded for a minute. All of my favorites were there--the beautiful tributes to babies lost, every single one of them!
How could this be? Could the YouTube tech person have gotten my email, and unlocked the system that quickly even though they never wrote back to me? But then...I never logged back in! My name and account just popped up as if I had, but I hadn't.
I believe God did this. Maybe he had the tech support people somehow make everything how it was and with me logged in, I don't know. However it happend, I know He did it. Maybe that's my hug from Him tonight...thank you, Lord. Thank you for something so small that meant so much to me tonight.
Enjoy this beautiful video, my friends. Drifting off here soon with these words in my heart...
"But Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good;
But Jesus I was wondering
if you would...
Hug him once for me?..."
Sending momma's hug to Heaven tonight to my baby Jacob...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk&feature=youtu.be
Kim
Well, I'll keep this quick. I found a video tonight that had me sobbing. I hadn't cried this hard since the night of my D&C when I found the beautifully written, "Still", by Gerritt Hofsnik (too late to look up spelling, sorry if I got his name wrong). His song captured my tragic feelings of loss so wonderfully nearly one year ago.
Oh, I cry a lot at the beautiful babyloss videos out there...kinda hard not to. But this one, wow. This one really had me in gut-wrenching sobs every time that I watched it--you know, the kind that shake your whole body? Thankfully, I don't have that type very often.
What is this song that moved me in so many ways? Please check out the link below. The song is called, "Hug Him For Me Now" and the song is by Erica McClure.
I miss my Jacob so much. I'm sure it's the anxiety of his one-year angelversary building. The words to this song are beyond beautiful--they reveal every emotion that I've felt for my son...all of the sorrow, the dreams and the joy at seeing him again some day.
The joy...yes, you read that right. Oh, the scene in the video when that part is sung had me holding my arms open wide! Whenever my time comes to go to our Heavenly Home, you can bet I'll be running with my arms open wide first to our Lord and Savior who brought me to everlasting peace and then to my sweet little angel, Jacob. What a sweet embrace that will be!
Thank you, Lord, for being with me on every step of this journey. Even tonight, I believe God was here with me in my study while I was finding this video. Want to hear of a miracle? Well, it's close enough for me.
I stumbled on this video through a babyloss page on Facebook. It hooked me and I loved it. I tried to save it to my favorites on YouTube. I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't save. Then, I realized that somehow I was logged out. My husband! ARGH! He must have logged me out at some point--usually I just stay logged in and don't frequent YouTube so don't think about it much.
Well, wouldn't you know I couldn't remember my password. I tried everything. I probably tried TOO many things. I was locked out! I then tried everything I could to reset my password but for some reason it just wouldn't do it. I searched all through help. Finally and at this point in a very agitated state, I found a link to email someone with my question.
By this time I had remembered my password. Duh, how could I have forgotten it?? And of course, YouTube still had me locked out. I also now realized that I use the same information for my blog and started to panic. What if they reset my password but somehow it still wouldn't work? What if my blog was messed up and I couldn't get in to that? Not now! Oh, please not this close to Jacob's one year angelversary! I need my blog and am going to need it so much in this next month, especially.
I wrote the tech people and tried to clearly explain my dilemma--please unlock my account but don't reset my password. I sent the email to who knows where and kept checking for a response but got nothing.
You can imagine my mood. I went from highly emotional in a sad and missing my baby way to angry at the computer to scared that my blog would be ruined. Talk about a rollercoaster that I wasn't planning on riding tonight.
I quickly went back to the video and shared it with one of my facebook babyloss groups. It's so beautiful that I had to share it somewhere. I hopped around for a bit more, scanning other posts and decided I needed to go to bed. I felt drained and unmotivated. I felt sad and just wanted to crawl into bed and hug Jacob's giraffe.
Then. I clicked on the link one more time for one final good cry before bed...and somehow I ended up on YouTube with my USERNAME LOGGED IN! I sat here dumbfounded for a minute. All of my favorites were there--the beautiful tributes to babies lost, every single one of them!
How could this be? Could the YouTube tech person have gotten my email, and unlocked the system that quickly even though they never wrote back to me? But then...I never logged back in! My name and account just popped up as if I had, but I hadn't.
I believe God did this. Maybe he had the tech support people somehow make everything how it was and with me logged in, I don't know. However it happend, I know He did it. Maybe that's my hug from Him tonight...thank you, Lord. Thank you for something so small that meant so much to me tonight.
Enjoy this beautiful video, my friends. Drifting off here soon with these words in my heart...
"But Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good;
But Jesus I was wondering
if you would...
Hug him once for me?..."
Sending momma's hug to Heaven tonight to my baby Jacob...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk&feature=youtu.be
Kim
Friday, September 2, 2011
An Overwhelmingly Sad Day
Well, I'm back. And it's late. What's new? I'm always the late-night poster. :) That's probably because it's the only time I have free time to write.
I'm sorry for the lengthy delay in responding. Been a fast, furious and fatiguing several weeks.
Will keep this post short so I can try to get to bed for at least a bit...before we head out of town tomorrow.
Today was rough. I've been thinking a lot lately about so many women I've met in the Baby Loss Community--both online and in person. They are such beautiful, compassionate and supportive women. We all share a common bond--the loss of a baby. Today for some reason and more than normal, I was feeling their losses, I was looking at pictures of their babies at various ages when they passed away and I even saw a picture of a little boy who may have looked like Jacob did when he died at 13 weeks in my womb. What a sweet little baby...so tender, so innocent...just like my Jacob.
And then right before dinner, I saw a note that a woman in one of our facebook baby loss communities was right then in labor to deliver her son who died two days prior. I couldn't believe it. Yes, we know this stuff happens all the time but how often do we know right when it's happening? Here I was sitting down to dinner with my boys, about to eat teriyaki chicken and I couldn't stop thinking of what this woman was going through. My heart still goes out to her and her family. Just yesterday she had posted a question about not feeling her baby move for the last day or so. I, along with so many others, advised her to go to the doctor and not to wait. I know we all held her in our prayers as we hoped that the baby was okay.
On a personal note, earlier I had to reschedule my blood test for next week. Actually I had to push it back--just what every woman who is trying to conceive wants to do, you know? My nurse wants to make sure we don't catch my trigger shot like we did last time (I'll have to fill you in later). So I still have another week left to wait. I can't even cheat and take a home pregnancy test because it will just pick up the hcg in my system from the shot so no go there. Patience, patience and more patience.
Can I be honest? Part of me is horribly scared. What if? What if this time things somehow were to work? I will have to give more details to catch you up on this latest round of fertility treatments in a day or so...but let's just pretend things do work. I've known that even if I get a positive it's a long, scary road with an unknown destination. Maybe I'll never get that chance to go down that road again, I don't know. Would I stop trying because I don't want to take that path? Nope. I can't do that. I don't know. It's just so scary knowing that I may make it even farther than 13 weeks only to lose another baby. And yet, even though I am well aware of this, I have to keep trying until there are no options left.
My hope and prayer is simple. If I do get pregnant again that I can 1) be strong enough to get through whatever happens with God's help, and that of my friends and family and 2) that I will celebrate each and every day with that baby with joy, hope and love...no matter how short or long that time may be. Joy, lots and lots of joy. That's what I want. I want to share that joy with all of you if I'm ever able.
Do you know that's what I still feel about Jacob? Joy. I think today may have been when I found out that I was pregnant last year. It's got to be getting close but since I'm not organized enough to find last year's calendar right now all I can do is to go by gut feelings and timing. I remember the shock and joy I felt at finally becoming pregnant again! I still feel that joy for my son. I love him dearly. I would not have changed anything that happened (well, of course that he lived)...but even though he left us, I know he is happy and so loved in Heaven. Just knowing I have him waiting there for me brings me such comfort. He lives in my heart too...always.
For some reason the tears fell a bit more freely than normal today. Perhaps because I was overwhelmed by the grief that others have been suffering, maybe having 3 "slower than normal" days in my life allowed feelings to surface that I normally keep buried under all of my busyness, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what caused my off and on sadness today. Who knows, if this hcg in my system mimics pregnancy symptoms as I'm told it does, that might explain my mood too. I know it definitely has knocked me on my butt fatigue-wise just like last month.
That would also explain my absence from writing--too plain tired to write at 3:00 AM! :)
Well, friends just wanted to let you know I'm still here, my blog is still here and I have lots and lots to write about! I must tell you to end on a happy note how much I am looking forward to the month of October. I've dubbed that, "Jacob's month", and have all sorts of things planned--from my blog, to our day to remember him, to things I will be doing to honor my sweet baby who is waiting for me in Heaven. I really am looking forward to a month-long celebration of his short, yet special time here on this earth. I hope you'll join me in celebrating him.
With joy in my heart for my Jacob,
Kim :)
I'm sorry for the lengthy delay in responding. Been a fast, furious and fatiguing several weeks.
Will keep this post short so I can try to get to bed for at least a bit...before we head out of town tomorrow.
Today was rough. I've been thinking a lot lately about so many women I've met in the Baby Loss Community--both online and in person. They are such beautiful, compassionate and supportive women. We all share a common bond--the loss of a baby. Today for some reason and more than normal, I was feeling their losses, I was looking at pictures of their babies at various ages when they passed away and I even saw a picture of a little boy who may have looked like Jacob did when he died at 13 weeks in my womb. What a sweet little baby...so tender, so innocent...just like my Jacob.
And then right before dinner, I saw a note that a woman in one of our facebook baby loss communities was right then in labor to deliver her son who died two days prior. I couldn't believe it. Yes, we know this stuff happens all the time but how often do we know right when it's happening? Here I was sitting down to dinner with my boys, about to eat teriyaki chicken and I couldn't stop thinking of what this woman was going through. My heart still goes out to her and her family. Just yesterday she had posted a question about not feeling her baby move for the last day or so. I, along with so many others, advised her to go to the doctor and not to wait. I know we all held her in our prayers as we hoped that the baby was okay.
On a personal note, earlier I had to reschedule my blood test for next week. Actually I had to push it back--just what every woman who is trying to conceive wants to do, you know? My nurse wants to make sure we don't catch my trigger shot like we did last time (I'll have to fill you in later). So I still have another week left to wait. I can't even cheat and take a home pregnancy test because it will just pick up the hcg in my system from the shot so no go there. Patience, patience and more patience.
Can I be honest? Part of me is horribly scared. What if? What if this time things somehow were to work? I will have to give more details to catch you up on this latest round of fertility treatments in a day or so...but let's just pretend things do work. I've known that even if I get a positive it's a long, scary road with an unknown destination. Maybe I'll never get that chance to go down that road again, I don't know. Would I stop trying because I don't want to take that path? Nope. I can't do that. I don't know. It's just so scary knowing that I may make it even farther than 13 weeks only to lose another baby. And yet, even though I am well aware of this, I have to keep trying until there are no options left.
My hope and prayer is simple. If I do get pregnant again that I can 1) be strong enough to get through whatever happens with God's help, and that of my friends and family and 2) that I will celebrate each and every day with that baby with joy, hope and love...no matter how short or long that time may be. Joy, lots and lots of joy. That's what I want. I want to share that joy with all of you if I'm ever able.
Do you know that's what I still feel about Jacob? Joy. I think today may have been when I found out that I was pregnant last year. It's got to be getting close but since I'm not organized enough to find last year's calendar right now all I can do is to go by gut feelings and timing. I remember the shock and joy I felt at finally becoming pregnant again! I still feel that joy for my son. I love him dearly. I would not have changed anything that happened (well, of course that he lived)...but even though he left us, I know he is happy and so loved in Heaven. Just knowing I have him waiting there for me brings me such comfort. He lives in my heart too...always.
For some reason the tears fell a bit more freely than normal today. Perhaps because I was overwhelmed by the grief that others have been suffering, maybe having 3 "slower than normal" days in my life allowed feelings to surface that I normally keep buried under all of my busyness, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what caused my off and on sadness today. Who knows, if this hcg in my system mimics pregnancy symptoms as I'm told it does, that might explain my mood too. I know it definitely has knocked me on my butt fatigue-wise just like last month.
That would also explain my absence from writing--too plain tired to write at 3:00 AM! :)
Well, friends just wanted to let you know I'm still here, my blog is still here and I have lots and lots to write about! I must tell you to end on a happy note how much I am looking forward to the month of October. I've dubbed that, "Jacob's month", and have all sorts of things planned--from my blog, to our day to remember him, to things I will be doing to honor my sweet baby who is waiting for me in Heaven. I really am looking forward to a month-long celebration of his short, yet special time here on this earth. I hope you'll join me in celebrating him.
With joy in my heart for my Jacob,
Kim :)
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